I was a very happily married man, and very in love with my wife. I thought I had a perfect life, and couldn't wait to see her every day. I am a police officer, and work at night, which is a big cause of my failed marriage. I believe its also a reason why I refuse to seek help or counseling. My marriage lasted 5 years, and I was blinded by love and denial as to what she was up to.
It all started about 3 years ago, when my wife took a six day trip to Barcelona with her girlfriend. All was well when she left, and when she returned, she was different. We went from being the happy couple, to not speaking. She would never give me a reason for the change, and I had my suspicions, but buried them inside. Shortly after returning, she tells me she wants her own bank account, and that I can tell her each month what the bills are. She said she just wanted to feel more in control of her money. She then, started to work "overtime" each day. She would normally come home from work at 2:30, and we would hang out until I left for work at 5:30. All of the sudden, she was coming home after I had already left for work. Could have been 6pm, or 2:30 am. This is why she needed her own bank account. Otherwise, I would have seen that she was not making extra money working overtime each day.
A few weeks after she came home from Spain, we were supposed to do something on a Saturday night. She went to the store, at 6, and disappeared until 3a.m. She claimed she was at her gf's house talking and lost track of time. She then proceeds to tell me that she is going to NYC with the gf over Memorial day weekend. I begged her not to go, and told her we were on the road to divorce, and she basically told me tough crap, and that she was going no matter what.
So, after 5 days in NYC, she returns. She immediately advises me that she is getting on birth control, and that she was moving out on Aug. 01, 2011. She said she needed space.
July 31st rolls around, and I come home to find half of my stuff gone, my 2 dogs gone, and my house empty. Like Hall and Oates said, shes gone. I felt like it was the right thing to do to let her move without a fight, because I loved her enough to sacrifice my happiness, knowing she wanted to be with someone else. I had no idea, almost 3 years later, I would still be suffering.
3 months pass, with little contact. I was in a great state of depression, (still am), and was not dating anyone, or doing anything. On November 12th, a Saturday, she calls me out of the blue. We have a nice talk, and she tells me she wants to come home. I tell her that I can forgive her for anything, and that I know in my heart she was having an affair, so if she wants another try, she needed to own up to it. She tells me that she was but doesn't want to say with who. Now I know its someone I know. She tells me to not contact him if she tells me. I agree. She tells me the name, and it turns out its a guy she had introduced me to in the past. I never contact him, although I want to very badly. We meet that night for dinner. The second I see her in the parking lot, I fall so in love again. I know I can forgive her and move on.
After dinner, we come back to our house. Things obviously happen, and it was a great night. She leaves to go to her apartment, and we talk about when she can move back in, etc. She asks if we can have dinner Monday and hang out again. Of course, I say yes.
Monday rolls around, she calls me at 3, and says she is coming over early. After she arrives, she tells me she told her aunt that she would have dinner with her, and that she has to leave at 5. Instantly, I know she has a date with someone. I am happy to see her, and I try to put the moves on her. She tells me no, and now I know she is saving herself for her date. So, as she is leaving she asks me if we can go to dinner on Thursday because its our 5 year wedding anniversary. Of course I say yes.
Wednesday afternoon, I receive a text from her saying she wont have dinner with me. I call her and ask her what's going on and she tells me she felt trashy on Monday when I tried to have sex with her. I say " your husband wants to have sex with you and you feel trashy, but you are cheating on me in hotel rooms with a guy you barely know, and that's ok?" She shuts me down right away. I tell her that her date on Monday must have been really good. She tells me she never wants to speak to me again, and hangs up on me.
So, months and months go by. We do the divorce through the mail. She came over to pick up the paperwork and I ask her how she is. She says she misses me. I tell her we should fix things and she agrees. She leaves with the paperwork, and 7 days later I get a manila envelope with my copies of the divorce papers. I ask her why she sent them in, and she acts like she doesn't know what I am talking about.
Now, Its coming up on 3 years. I have dated several women. As soon as they start liking me, I run for the hills. I have lost the ability to care about any other woman. I am blocked from being able to contact her. I send her text messages daily, even though I know they wont go through. I send her emails, just asking to talk. I know how pathetic I must look to her. I know she brags to her friends, shows them my emails, and wallows in the fact that she treated me so badly, and I still love her.
I feel like something was triggered in my brain when I lost my wife to another man. I feel like some primitive thing happened that makes me feel like I have to get my wife back to be happy. I also feel like I may be punishing myself for my failed marriage. I miss her every second of the day. But, I have no outlet. Being in my line of work, the other guys don't understand what I am going through. Everyone says Get over it, or that I should hate her, but that's just not possible. Sorry this is so long. Maybe someone can help me.
There is also another forum you can post in that may help a little more it's the Divorce/separation forum, they will have great advice for you, they have walked in your shoes.
Keep posting there is great support here.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
I'm glad that you found is, but sorry that you had to need.
I can feel your pain through your post. The best thing that you can do for yourself is stop contacting her. You are emotionally ripping that wound open every single day.
You deserve so much better than she has given to you. Please see your worth and value as a man, and don't allow her to consume your thoughts.
We have all been there, and we understand.
I would also recommend going to see and IC (Individual counselor) to help you work through this. Maybe your department offers something for free? I'm not sure how all of that works, but if it is a resource available to you, then take advantage of it.
It wasn't your fault, and you didn't/don't deserve this treatment. Hang in there and I wish you healing.
All the usual stuff like make sure you are eating well, sleeping enough, trying to exercise - that is stuff you should be doing, but this far out you could really use a professional assist. Look at it like a fucked up set of wiring in your brain, and the CBT therapist is the techie that can help rewire it.
Talking to the folks down in S/D is a great suggestion too. There are guys here from all walks - LEO, various military branches included. You are not alone. Take a look in the Betrayed Men thread(s) down in I Can Relate if you feel more comfortable, as well.
You will be okay.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a little professional help. Please, reach out.
Check out the whole site, lots of great people helping people.
Read read read!!!
My XH and XSO both blamed me for their affairs. The thing of it all. I was in the same relationship as they were and I didn't step over that boundary.
Cheaters make a choice to betray their spouse/SO. If the affair partner came on to them - they could (and should) have said " no, I'm married/ in a relationship". They CHOSE not to. If they propositioned the affair partner - they made the choice to step outside the marriage.
No amount of " you made me do it" is going to have me owning their decisions- not gonna happen!
Don't own her choices.
Hugs and welcome again!
As a LEO you are going to work shift work, OT, weekends and you likely get vacation based on seniority. You understood this and so did she. Working nights is common especially if your early on in your career.
You were married for five years but she started cheating after two years. I'm not bashing you and please don't feel like I am. She seems to be a real b!7ch. She strings you along and when you ask her to do the slightest thing to help you. She signs the papers. I'm angry for you. F her.
I get the thought process of why you haven't sought help. But think of it this way. OIS get response from counselors and it would be mandatory. You have been dealt a huge emotional injury and need help. Bro see someone call EAP. It helps I know.
I've had plenty of IC from my time in the military and Law enforcement.Don't know if it helped but I wanted you to know.
I can't remember all of the good advice I got. If your interested read my thread. The revenge affair...that wasn't. It's in I just found out.
The only person who can really help you is YOU. Get those cutters and start snipping away at the most painful bits and give yourself some slack. Breathe. Take your time. You’ve been in this crappy place for a long time and it’s going to take some time to get out.
As others have said, read the healing library and look in JFO and find “great posts for newbies” – there WILL be something there to light up some of the dark.
What she did was cruel and incredibly selfish. But remember SHE was and is the broken one. SHE made poor choices, not you. The first thing to do is go NO CONTACT. Because No Contact = No New Hurts. The longer you go, the easier it becomes, the more you can concentrate on you and the future instead of her and the past.
You have found the right place to begin your healing. Take a seat with your new friends.
People are telling you to go No Contact, and do the 180, (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11) and I'm guessing your emotions are such a mess, you don't have the first clue how to do that.
Here is how - take your time, think about this. Internalize it.
Take all the energy you have been spending on her, and turn it to yourself. Love yourself. Value yourself.
It is hard, because for so long, we're trained to find value in a relationship (external to us), and seeking self-worth in another (external to us). Esteeming yourself, after suffering on the grindstone of low self-esteem, may seem like a foreign concept at first, but I'm telling you - you must find your worth. You didn't cause this.
You didn't deserve this. Not. At. All.
Love yourself - that's how you detach from an unworthy, punishing and abusive "other".
You have value.
You are worth full love and commitment and faithfulness. Take that to the bank.
Stop engaging with those who do not value you. Your worth, your value is within you - not 'out there', or externally, with 'someone else' who would discard you.
Find yourself within.
Detach from the painful 'without' by attaching to what is true and loving 'within'.
Do all the work within. You can do this. You got this.
Strength and honor.
I am used to being the one who helps others, and its hard for me to ask for help,
This is true for so many of us, on so many levels. I get that its a pride thing. There is no shame in seeking help.
Nobody wanted to be a part of this forum, but you are here, among friends.
As the others have said, read up. Post away...there IS strength in numbers.
When it comes down to it this is not your fault. Not one bit. We all have marriage and personal issues. But it's how we CHOOSE to handle those situations that defines us. Your wife CHOSE how she wanted to handle it. The blame lies with her and only her.
Initially I internalized a lot of my wife's choices. She blamed me for her choice to have an affair. I wasn't this, or I wasn't that for her so she felt that an affair was what she needed, at least in her mind. The thing is, that was her choice. Once I accepted that it was a lot easier for me to start directing the blame where it needed to go.
Being married we tend to put all of ourselves into it. Including our selfesteem and worth. Then when someone tramples all over that we are left depressed and shattered. Like others have said the absolute best thing you can do is focus on you right now. It's hard to do after giving your all to your spouse but you absolutely have to stop giving her the time of day. You need control of your life. Waiting on her to come back to you is only setting yourself up to be hurt again. She is off living her life how she wants without regard for you. It's time you started doing that for yourself. Detaching from her will take time and you will mess up here and there, I know I did. But once you start living for you again you will find a new sense of confidence and strength. There is happiness and worth within you that doesn't involve her. It's hard to see but it's there just waiting to burst out.
As you struggle with all this post here often. Even with things that may seem trivial to you. This is a large community of lots and lots of experience and insight. It has helped me a ton.
Again, thanks for the help. I really have nobody to talk to that understands what I am going through. And to have everyone here, even though we aren't friends in person, it just feels a little better to have my story out.
I have found it extremely helpful. Give it a chance. There is no shame in it. This is coming from a fellow type A personality. Do something for yourself.
You absolutely came to the right place. Everyone here is from all walks of life.
In my earliest days after DD I wanted so badly to call xwf. Everyone said NO. They were right.
He proved he would have wasted my time, would have caused me more pain. I went NC. It was painful, but it would have been much worse and lasted so much longer.
Everytime you have contact with her it is a big trigger of memories and bonding. Better to prevent that. Protect yourself. Even dating anyone else is a trigger. You need more healing.
And take care of yourself. Drink lots of water, eat everyday, go for a walk outdoors away from work everyday, sleep. And IC.
Please keep posting and read everything in the yellow box up in the corner. The menz thread in I can relate is good.
It will get better.
I cant even imagine the pain you have been experiencing in the last 3-4 years.
I dont understand how people can be so cruel. Especially to one they claim to have loved.
I have never been in your situation, but for your own health,, well being and happiness, you have to let her go.
She has treated you so badly and I say this gently, she does not want anything to do with you.
I'm so sorry for your pain, its so unfair. Please seek some help, keep coming here. We are all here for you.
Please stop trying to contact her, you prolong your pain. To the best of your ability, put her out of your mind. When you start to think of her, change your thoughts!! It is the only way.
you'll be in my prayers tonight,,,,,,,,,,,,
She is doing this because she can, and you are actually encouraging her by just being there and accessible.
But I convince myself in my moments of weakness, that "she may be thinking of me", or " what if she wants to contact me but thinks I don't want to hear from her."
Think and act your way out of this. The first thing to do is No Contact. When you go to press those buttons, don’t. Put it off until later because you have something else to do – right? And then put it off until later. Again. And again.
Think of it as a dog returning to its own vomit. I read that somewhere and it’s a good analogy. That is what you are doing. Does that sick taste any better or have any nutritional quality? No. Don’t do it.
Wear a rubber band on your wrist and ping it when you think of her or think of trying to contact her. That painful ping is a message to stop your brain going there and to go somewhere else.
Make plans. Have a holiday, go to a concert, join a volunteer group. Be busy. I bet you have heard that one hundreds of times before, but you know what? It works.
Remove all physical triggers that remind you of her. With each one, say goodbye with a smile. Time to go.
Oh, and smile. Especially when you don't feel like it. Forcing your face into a smile can actually lift your spirits a little. Try it now.
Take one part of a day at a time. If you find one part of the day or one day of the week particularly hard, get yourself out and do something physical. Don’t take your phone, that way you will be less tempted. When you have done a day, two days, a week, a month, know that you are getting further away from her. If you receive any contact from her, ignore it and delete any messages. And do it without giving yourself time to think.
Keep on keeping on.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:28 AM, April 10th (Thursday)]