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User Topic: She wants me back, but is still with OM. wtf
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone here know why we get so addicted to people like this?

I think part of it ties into each of us wanting to be needed. She is flat out saying she isn't capable (or desiring) to take care of herself so she neeeeeds you (to do it all for her).

The guy I am seeing now said this was his biggest problem with his past - he confused that person needing him for love.

Stay strong my friend. Sadly there wasn't one thing in her information that indicates the desire of reconciling is for the good of you. Stay on your path - you will keep getting stronger and happier!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2177 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
PRNDL
♂ Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A week ago, when she told me that she was back with the OM, she told me how she always thinks of me and talks about me when she is with him. Thats so nice.

Did she actually expect me to believe this? Only an insane person could say such a thing.

Haha, just adding a bit of humor. I have not smiled fof 2 years. During IC treatment, we practice replacing bad thoughts with happy thoughts. Its hard because other than my son. Nothing makes me smile anymore.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
frankier
♂ Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PRNDL - Sorry for your situation.

I totally understand how thorn you must be upon hearing your WW asking to get back together.

The fact that she continues to see OM, even without sex (did they actually move in together?) is certainly a negative mark on her. Stating that they do not have sex, is almost an insult to your intelligence. Saying that since you started divorce, whatever she did does not count is also upsetting.

Having said that, an 11 year-old child in the mix certainly add another dimension to the situation as, ideally, we would want to rise our kids with an intact family. I can sense that you love or loved this woman very much and is not easy to switch that off. I know it is very hard to give up on more than a decade with your WW and the life you (thought) you had together and that you want to do everything you can to fix it.

Can it be recovered? I am not sure. Only you will know. But, in your situation, I feel that you have to "kill" your relationship first, and feel like you are really wanted and loved, not as a plan B, but as the only plan she envisions. Divorce is certainly a way to "kill" that relationship.

Maybe, a solution could be that you meet and talk to her in a public place (just to avoid any "temptations") and let her know that you need to "kill" your previous relationship to find strength in yourself and for your kid. Live as single for sometime, both of you. Find yourself, she (might) find herself, and take it from there.

Approach this from a strength position rather than from a weakness one. Can you do that? Most importantly. can she do that? Can she be alone? Not because she is waiting for you to come around, but because she is comfortable to be by herself, without a man in the wind, just in case, waiting for her. If she can reach that point, showing you that she is ready to re-engage with you and addressed the issues that drove her to a 1-year relationship with OM, then maybe there is a chance that you would be interested in exploring reconciliation. I surmise that she still needs to get off the entitlement train. If she really wants to get back together, she will behave as such and move mountains to get there, including going along with divorce and understanding your need for that.

Talk to her in this terms. Divorce proceedings will continue. Both of you need to heal and then, if and when both of you are ready and willing, will take it from there.

Best of luck

[This message edited by frankier at 4:38 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 117 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
PRNDL
♂ Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do love her so much. She was the love of my life. My best friend. My son's mother. My bride. My fiance. My girl.

She said herself that she cant and will not be alone.

I told her that I did need to burn the marriage to the ground before we could restart, but that would also mean putting a lot of time between her and the OM.

Sadly, based on what I have seen of her, and ghe things she says, she has become someone I can never be with again.

I cant be with her. Its not that I dont want to.

I do miss her so much. Even though she treated me like an old door mat that after years of use, she just threw me away.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry for your situation so I am not trying to be hard on you but I cannot see how you can even contemplate any talk of R while she is with this OM. The talk should start when and if she is done with him , can verify that for you, and acts like she only wants you.
The rest of her actions are a bunch of crap

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are hard things PRNDL.

But your last post says that you understand who she is.

Staying strong is hard when all you want is the woman you thought you loved.

For me, it came down to understanding that I was in love with my memories and not the woman I was actually dealing with.

I hope something like that works for you.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
frankier
♂ Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, based on what I have seen of her, and ghe things she says, she has become someone I can never be with again.

Sorry to hear that... By all means, focus on yourself and become stronger for yourself and your son. The journey to detachment is not easy, but it sure is rewarding.


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 117 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she doesn't respect and value you and her main obsession is to avoid being alone, then its a matter of time before someone else comes along and the whole cycle begins once more.

If their is no consequence when your WW treated you like something she has scraped off her shoe, then where is your self-worth? She just wants someone to spoil her and look after her. The OM was doing a better job for a while, but now he's slacking off so its back to PRNDL


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
PRNDL
♂ Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could never R with her. Even if she changes, it does not erase the past. The past determines her propensity.

Thank you all for the kicks in the butt. I need them. they make me strong. Thank you for your support and encouragement.
Also, I read through all of your stats in your signatures plus your stories and im so sorry you all have gone through this too.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Cally60
♀ Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds as though your wife doesn’t understand the concept of marriage. She wants two men in her life at all times, each with a different role.

One to provide for her and take care of her.
One to play with.

You have been allocated the role of “Provider”, or, as she apparently calls it, Husband. You deserve a real marriage, and a wife who loves you for yourself, not for what you provide, and who wants to give to you, as well as to receive the gift of unselfish love that you yourself so obviously possess.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 12:31 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2116 | Registered: Mar 2009
PRNDL
♂ Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, she is a selfish person. She wants me because she told me I was her "home" and her "safety".

She wants the OM because "he is fun", just like she told the councilor the one time she agreed to go.

Lets not forget that she also cheated on the OM a year and a month ago with a 56 year old rich guy.
Her old high school girl friend was seeing this married 56 year old guy. They wanted to do a theeesome with another girl and my wife agreed to it. No protection used.

She wants to also whore around.

Makes me so sad. What would our son think if he knew? Why didnt she at least think of him? We had a family.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PRNDL

Think of it from this angle:
When you were together she felt the need for an affair and found OM.
Now that she’s with OM she still has that need for an affair… and looks in your direction.
So basically she’s offering you the option to become OM’s OM…
Sound like a nice choice? Do you want to become the third person in someone else’s relationship?


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She humiliated me. Never again. Never never again.

Good. Repeat as necessary.

You ask about the "addiction" element. I second the other poster's recommendation of the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It gave me insight into the deep biochemical roots of our brain's "addiction" to our partner.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, she is a selfish person. She wants me because she told me I was her "home" and her "safety".

PRNDL,

Listen: Over the course of our marriage, during her affair, and during false reconciliation, my ex told me passionately many times the following as we cuddled in bed: "Nobody has ever made me feel so safe."

Imagine how good that made me feel, how bonding and intimate.

Then I read an email from the AP POS. Guess what she had told him, verbatim?

That hurt like you can't believe. (Well, probably you can.)

My point is that your wife is a liar. You better believe that she told the OM the same bullshit she has told you. Internalize this truth, feel the pain, gather your anger and keep moving forward. Actions, not words.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said herself that she cant and will not be alone.

That's a huge red flag. You get to know you best when you are by yourself.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Nobody has ever made me feel so safe."

My WS said the OW tells him this. I said, WTF is/was her momma and daddy at? Save your kids, grown people are supposed to be team mates.

Teammates do rely on each other, but for each to do their parts, not one person bare the entire load.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow,
Just read your the whole post.

She is going down fast. Let her.

She loves you because she needs you! Not needs you because she loves you! Big difference. She is a user. She feels safe with you because you are safe. Ummmm, she is a fucking cake eater! OM is fun. Yup its so fun to go out drinking, acting like a HO, having unsafe sex. What the HELL. She is not a grown woman she is a little bratty girl who wants what she can have. YOU! She wants you because you left and have morals and drew the line in the sand. She she changed back to nice. I went through this for 5 years with a hoover and still do at times.

Let her have her OM and get away from her. She is toxic!

You are a good man and you deserve a good woman.

And to your question:
You please because you want them to be happy, you put their needs and wants before your own. This becomes a cycle even before the A. You put yourself last and her first. There is nothing wrong with that as long as it is being reciprocated. But like most of us it is not! It stays this way and we become the doormat, and no matter what they become entitled to do whatever they want to do in their minds with no regards to us. The Satan spew they dish out to us is because they are doing evil to the one they were to love and protect.

This is hell and they will never get it or understand until they get help and look at themselves and the selfish behavior.

Look what she is doing to your son! She ripped his world to shreds, his safe place with both parents, his family. He didn't ask for this but she is to into herself to get it!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow,
Just read your the whole post.

She is going down fast. Let her.

She loves you because she needs you! Not needs you because she loves you! Big difference. She is a user. She feels safe with you because you are safe. Ummmm, she is a fucking cake eater! OM is fun. Yup its so fun to go out drinking, acting like a HO, having unsafe sex. What the HELL. She is not a grown woman she is a little bratty girl who wants what she can have. YOU! She wants you because you left and have morals and drew the line in the sand. She she changed back to nice. I went through this for 5 years with a hoover and still do at times.

Let her have her OM and get away from her. She is toxic!

You are a good man and you deserve a good woman.

And to your question:
You please because you want them to be happy, you put their needs and wants before your own. This becomes a cycle even before the A. You put yourself last and her first. There is nothing wrong with that as long as it is being reciprocated. But like most of us it is not! It stays this way and we become the doormat, and no matter what they become entitled to do whatever they want to do in their minds with no regards to us. The Satan spew they dish out to us is because they are doing evil to the one they were to love and protect.

This is hell and they will never get it or understand until they get help and look at themselves and the selfish behavior.

Look what she is doing to your son! She ripped his world to shreds, his safe place with both parents, his family. He didn't ask for this but she is to into herself to get it!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2791 | Registered: Aug 2011
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H tried this same stuff with me. So, I said, I don't want a fake marriage. Go to counseling and get yourself straightened out. Then we'll talk.
Still waiting. When someone won't go to counseling to save their own family, I think that says it all.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your child needs you.
Continue going to IC.
It is a rollercoaster.
But you are putting on your oxygen mask now, and you will save yourself and your child.

I know in my state the child can decide at 13 where to live. I have a very calm environment in my home and both of my sons told me last weekend that their Dad has moved into a big home with the OW. They BOTH said they want to live with me, that there is too much "crazy" at their Dad's.

I cried all day when they told me that! I cannot control their Dad, but I can give them a great place to call home, and they visit their Dad's like he is a fun uncle or something.

My best friend told me when her parents divorced she learned how NOT to be like her mom when she became a parent - because her mom was a cheater and left her Dad.

The only way to deal with these people is like "tough love" -- pushing them away until they take 100% responsibility and get serious help.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 80
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