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User Topic: She wants me back, but is still with OM. wtf
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any advice. I know this is abvious but please guide me. Im torn apart.

Tell her you're done talking to her about personal shit until she prefaces a conversation with "I am done seeing the OM" and that's not a guarantee of R, it's what she needs to do to talk to you.

Then don't talk to her. If she starts to talk about personal shit on the phone, hang up. Delete the text. If she shows up in person, lock her out or exit immediately.

You can keep moving forward by leaving her in the rearview. Don't stop and let her sink the hooks in.

Before I even knew my wife was having an affair there was a day when we were at a play being put on by the local high school. Afterward she started to talk about how in a few years those would be our kids and we'd be going to these to see them up there.

After so much abuse, after months of detaching, with her move out day like a week off, I just lost it. I told her I didn't want her to say shit like that when she knew it wasn't true. To stop including me in that shit since she wasn't including me in her life anymore. To not tell me we would be doing shit we weren't going to be doing because she was leaving.

You can't argue because she is arguing to engage you. She keeps the argument going to keep you involved. If you cut that off, you cut her off and she has to face that reality.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For your own sanity please stop talking to her. I don't post to your threads often as many others give you much better advice than I could. But every time you talk to her you are torn to shreds. Please stop talking to her. Let the attorneys handle the D going forward. I don't see any other option than a 180 for you to continue to move forward at this point. You can't save her. So so yourself a favor and save yourself.

Strength and courage to keep moving forward.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As kripsy47 put it so eloquently,
Oh HELL no, honey. She is messing with your head.

My thoughts exactly, leave her swinging in the breeze and move on to a real woman. This one has proven what's she made of. Once a sucker, well, we've all been there, but twice just makes you look stupid.

[This message edited by twisted at 4:17 PM, April 7th (Monday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Three simple words: boo fucking hoo.

It's important to locate the world's smallest violin, bro.


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You already know the answers to your questions---you were just hoping for something to be different.

Please: NC = No New Hurts. I know that minimum contact is needed for your son, and other issues, but there should be ZERO conversation...even if you still want reconciliation...unless your WW takes steps to show her sincerity.

Actually, she HAS been showing you her sincerity this whole time. And you know it. Identifying her lack of remorse isn't the problem---it's how to make the pain stop from her lack of remorse that is the real issue. And the best way to deal with that is to keep removing yourself from a toxic situation. She is toxic, therefore you need to remove that element from your life...even though it currently hurts like hell.

I am sorry, friend.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2078 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading this makes me angry for you. It is cruel and deeply selfish. She has not changed. I too got the tears, the apologies, the "I miss you's," "Nobody can replace you," "If I leave him while you take him back," "I don't want this divorce," on and on....

But they were words and tears for her and her only. NEVER one word of apology for decimating our family. Never ONR admission of sole guilt.

And when I rebuffed her hollow, meaningless contrition? You'd better believe that weeping turned to viciousness on a dime.

Yet I know how excruciatingly difficult this is for you.

Please, please don't be her fall-back plan, not after all your strides. Don't you dare fall for her narcissistic bag of tricks.

Keep your head down and muscle through this divorce. She will soon enough show her true colors once again--those she showed you when she destroyed you before.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2012
PRNDL
♂ Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all very much! I have read all your posts over and over and over. They give me strength. I will keep moving with the D. No looking back. I will reinstate the NC.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said that the OM is not long term husband material and "does his own thing".

God!!
Really WW, ya don't say!! Not long term husband material?
That really takes the selfish clueless cake.

I wouldn't doubt he'll be cheating on her asap, if he isn't already. She knows this deep down. The thrill of the A is over, you were a big player in their sick little game, a big bad thing to plan against and not get caught, a common enemy, the only thing standing in the way of their luurve. You refused to play that role, and now they are standing around looking at each other, probably thinking a regular boring relationship without a common enemy and thrill of exposure ain't all that great with each other. Too bad, not your problem.

Stay strong!!


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell her “GIRL BYE!”

Of course the grass isn’t greener. It’s only greener where you water it and where you shit. Tell her make that shit over there work cause your yard is off limits to her.

I don’t know why people don’t realize, it takes work. Always, everything. There is no way around it. She tried skirt it and wants to come back to you…I know you love her, but take the feelings out and look at it as objectively as you can. And go from there.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said she is with him because i filed for divorce so it does not count. We go back and forth over this and argue. I hang up and my day is ruined.

NC. Step away from the crazy. Cut off that barnacle-covered anchor that is dragging you and sail away.

You do not even need our advice, really...just look at what you yourself wrote above. Don't listen to her. Don't argue. Don't let her ruin anything else in your life. You can control all of that with your own actions.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said she is with him because i filed for divorce so it does not count

Geezus man...I got the same line. And I simply said...well stay your ass over there then...


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said no one will take care of her like I did.

Wow.

PRNDL, get a dog to take care of. They are a lot more loyal.
She is a Train Wreck. Her life is a disaster of her own making. Not your problem. Do not try to save her.

Eyes forward. Keep driving. Leave only dust behind. There is a better road ahead of you than what lays behind.
You can do this.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
abbycadabby
♀ Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will keep moving with the D. No looking back. I will reinstate the NC.

Good plan, even though I know it sucks to be in this position. Stay strong.

(((PRNDL)))


Posts: 1278 | Registered: Feb 2010
OutoftheDeep
♀ Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PRNDL, get a dog to take care of. They are a lot more loyal.

Aint that the truth. Sometimes makes me wonder why any of us even bother with these human vampires that we love when there are so many more other beings deserving of our attention and devotion.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
PRNDL
♂ Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone here know why we get so addicted to people like this? I was reading up a little on it, and it seems as if its some kind of mental abuse that we cant get away from. We go into "please them" mode so they would want to stay. Its horrible. Im surprised at the things I allowed her to say to me, or do to me blatantly behind my back. She humiliated me. Never again. Never never again.

Thank you for your strength.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PRNDL - Sorry, I dont know much of your story but this sounds like something hard to deal with.

If she wants you back, how is she still with the OM? She isn't making any sense.

Did she ever tell you why she did any of this, including the ONS with her friend. The why would be important if she could even be honest with herself.

Sounds to me like she has some bad things in her distant past or is just screwed up.

It sounds to me that she thought this OM was better than you and that was the reason she had this A with him in the first place. She has said some things to you, I don't know if you could ever forget.

R might be just impossible given the things she said to you. Now she says he isnt husband material I think you wrote.

That tells me she thought all along he was and he was better than you.

You say you still love her. You need to think hard about that...do you still love her or do you still love the past.

Loving the past is without question the hardest thing to get over.


Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jun 2002
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you got so super awesome posts - yes re-read them over and over

yes get a dog if you feel you must be a care-giver but also focus on caring for you and your son

He needs to not model EVER to be attracted to head trauma-mama so break away from her selfishness and therefore abusing yourself

please = for the future with truly good women in his and your life = stay the course, stay strong I so agree go NC is no new hurts


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 213 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's easy to get 'addicted'. You want her to choose you. So you keep looking for it. She's trouble, serious trouble, and she's shown you who she is. BELIEVE HER.

He isn't husband material. You take care of her. Blah blah blah. So, what if the next OM is husband material? Then what? What if her friend and her geriatric cheater want another 3some? Then what?

Your wife not only completely disrespected you, and your family, but she's shown she has zero morals whatsoever. She was happily used by a married man, old enough to be her father, because her friends are as piggish as she is.

So OM isn't husband material. That's fine, because she's not wife material.

How she said such disgusting things to you I don't know, but given who she is, I hope you're fighting for full custody of your son. This woman isn't fit to raise a child. She's selfish, without morals, and cruel. Your son deserves better, and you definitely do!!

Stay away from her. She's worthless.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did everything for her.

We go into "please them" mode so they would want to stay.

Gently, that is not healthy. Have you read Codependent No More? Or anything about abandonment, like Journey from Abandonment to Healing. It may explain why you did everything you could to make her happy while it sounds like you accepted such poor treatment.

She has cycled like this for to years. I hate you, get out, i love you, dont leave.

Another book that comes to mind when I see this is Walking on Eggshells. It's about living with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

and it seems as if its some kind of mental abuse that we cant get away from.

You must get away from it for your own sanity. IMO you need to look at what it is about yourself that allow it, so you don't go down this same path again. Bottom Line PRNDL, you deserve better. Good luck with everything.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regret and remorse or two totally different things. She is regretting that she did this because her life is falling apart. But she is selfish because she wants the comfort of her old life back and OM cannot provide it. Clearly she is still only thinking of what benefits herself first and not you.

Fact is if you take her back, you better be willing to go through the same emotions TWICE in case she pulls this shit again.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
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