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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need some quick advice on a new guy
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met a new guy that I like. We've been on 5 dates, and he's been the initiator each time. He's attentive without being overbearing. He's easy to talk to. And he's the first guy since xwBF that I've had any interest in at all. Most guys just disgust me. Like last night I had a guy flirting with me and I made some excuse to leave early because I had no desire to be around him. But I really like this new guy.

We had a date Thursday, and he invited me to go to the beach on Saturday to hang out with his friends. There's a group of ten people that are renting a house for the weekend. He said he would text me the details Friday night after he got there and talked to them about their plans. Well, I didn't hear anything from him yesterday. I was going to text him, but my female friend told me not to.

Should I text him today to see if he still wants me to come? I have mixed feelings. I hate games. But I also kinda feel like it's rude that he didn't either give me details or cancel with me.

If he texts today, should I still go? Or should I tell him that I made other plans since I didn't hear from him? I don't want to be bitchy, but I also don't want him to think its cool to just leave me hanging by the phone.

I might be looking too much into this. My xwBF stood me up one day when he was with OW, so I guess waiting by the phone is a sore spot for me.

Thoughts?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1150 | Registered: Jul 2013
notmeanymore
♀ Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't text him.

Now as to what to do if he texts you today. I guess you'll have to decide how annoyed you are about him not texting last night. If he has a legitimate reason, maybe give him some leeway?

I don't know that I'd lie about making other plans. Just tell him you're not feeling like coming after all if that's the truth.

If you don't hear from him today I'd be pissed if I were you. Plans change unexpectedly, but there's no excuse for not communicating.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 870 | Registered: Feb 2006
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it wouldn't be a lie. I had a friend invite me to her house tonight for a movie. I'm not sure how long to give him to text me before I make other plans. I wonder if I'm being immature by thinking he should contact me first. If I make other plans and he texts me, will he not wonder why I didn't just text him about it?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1150 | Registered: Jul 2013
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know why people make up so many "rules" about dating-- who can text first, who should call, how many days before you see each other again, do this, don't say that...

Games. No thank you.

If you want to text him and find out what's up then do that. If you want to make other plans so that you will definitely have something to do tonight, well do that. I just think it's so silly that you have to sit around basically in limbo because someone somewhere said he has to call first..


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3579 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, not texting when you have something to say is game playing. Text him and tell him you had expected to hear from him last night and did he still want to hang out today.

He'll either respond yes or no with an explanation, in which case, fine. You can see him next week. Or he won't respond. If that happens then you know he's chickenshit and you can move on.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3074 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok thanks. I'm probably just being overly sensitive from the time my ex stood me up. I guess I just don't want to look desperate or over eager, and I don't want to invite myself around his friends for the first time.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1150 | Registered: Jul 2013
absolut
♀ Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there's any games involved by not contacting him.

And there is a difference between silly dating rules like waiting some random number of days to return a phone calls and adhering to important personal boundaries. The second one really has nothing to do with dating anyway.

You're getting to know someone new. You still don't REALLY know him. He made plans with you and told you he'd call you to confirm. You haven't heard from him.

Don't ignore what he is communicating to you loud and clear (by his lack of communication).


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he would text, but didn't.

Maybe the text didn't go through.
Maybe he texted the message to someone else by mistake (happens all the time) and the other person realized it wasn't for them and just ignored it.
Maybe there was an emergency.
Maybe he forgot.

I would send him a quick text saying something like, "hey new guy, Is everything ok? I think the way we left things was that you were going to text some details about tonight. Did something change, etc.? Hope everything is ok. Look forward to hearing from you."


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there's any games involved by not contacting him.

It is if you have something to say, a question to ask. Sitting around wondering, hoping, being annoyed or any other negative emotion means you're making yourself a sitting duck and playing a game when you don't have to. And saying "he didn't text, fuck him" is a zero sum game since you are acting and decision making unilaterally.

Just reach out. You'll get an answer that will clarify what's what. Or you won't, which again clarifies. No more wondering. And you can hold your head high knowing that you were decent the entire time. You didn't sit around like a teenager moping waiting for him to call. Instead, you were an adult who didn't leave someone hanging.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3074 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I guess I keep flip flopping between whether it's playing games or setting boundaries. I despise playing games, and I never do stuff like waiting x amount of days before calling. But I also want to set good boundaries this time because I became a doormat with my ex. Setting boundaries is hard for me.

I think I'll wait until around 11, and then text him something like "hey hope you're having fun. Are you still wanting to hang out today? I'd enjoy it. If not though, I'm going to make other plans with some friends that are getting together. Let me know what you think."


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1150 | Registered: Jul 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...sounds like a good plan. I'm hoping that there is a good explanation.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't text. I'd *call* him and ask what's up? If it goes to voicemail, tell him you're making other plans by noon if you don't hear from him.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17381 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want to text him and find out what's up then do that. If you want to make other plans so that you will definitely have something to do tonight, well do that. I just think it's so silly that you have to sit around basically in limbo because someone somewhere said he has to call first..

Absoeffinglutely to this. I just keep reading where folks are waiting around to see if he or she will call or text or whatever the hell. It seems to me, waiting around for someone you barely know to control what is happening in your life is not healthy. Call his ass and ask what is up my man, or simply go on with your life and find something else to do.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2011
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, what happened?! :)


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No fair - I was also waiting to see what happened.

It's too late now to advise, but I would have said don't bother with him. And I'd also recommend the book "Why Men Love Bitches."

Has nothing to do with being a bitch but EVERYTHING to do with never allowing a man to be the central focus of your life. If someone says they'll contact you and they don't, then it's highly advised you continue living your life and making your own plans without skipping a beat - not sitting around hoping he'll call or worse yet, calling HIM and hoping to get an invitation.

Look, maybe his text did get misdirected. Big deal. Only 10 or so years ago people had to CALL other people and didn't have these silly childish texting excuses to fall back on when they needed an excuse for rudely not contacting when they said they would. Is the guy so lame that he thinks texting is the only way to communicate with people?

So no, I wouldn't have called him - or texted him.

But I would have NEXTED him.

.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 3:55 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has nothing to do with being a bitch but EVERYTHING to do with never allowing a man to be the central focus of your life. If someone says they'll contact you and they don't, then it's highly advised you continue living your life and making your own plans without skipping a beat - not sitting around hoping he'll call or worse yet, calling HIM and hoping to get an invitation.

Ditto this. Interested to hear the update as well.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4508 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ended up getting an invite from a female friend to go to the beach. I accepted, and then texted him that I was going to the beach with a friend and would be in the area if he still wanted to hang out. He replied about the house not having hot water, so I took that as a no. When we were driving there, he texted me his location. So we met up with him. He didn't introduce me to his friends though. We layed out on beach, and he got a drink with my friends. He was more quiet than he normally is. He kissed me and said he wanted to see me again.

Afterward my friend told me she didn't really like him cause she thought he didn't seem very attentive. So I have mixed feelings now. I never got an explanation for why he didn't call/text yesterday. I don't know if I was just reading too much into it. And he seemed different today than he is when we are alone.

I still like him, but I'm worried about my picker I guess. My IC told me that I pick damaged men. I hadn't seen any red flags until today, and I'm not sure if these are red flags.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1150 | Registered: Jul 2013
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This my thought but maybe I am in the minority:

There are no guarantees- few people fully know themselves 100%.

That being said whether your picker may or may not be off or if they guy is not a potential partner is at this point unreadable.

Casually date and hang out with your girlfriends- time will tell. If he ends up worried about the hot water and not looking clean or he is a jerk you will be glad you spent time with him and your friends and gave things time.


Posts: 963 | Registered: Jul 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I'm going to give it time. He's taking things super slow which I appreciate. Six dates now, and nothing more than small kisses. The thing I really like about him is that I'm myself around him. He doesn't judge me. I kinda felt like my ex put me on a pedestal and I was never good enough. With this new guy, I talk more openly about my past and we joke about our bad dates. It just seems more honest.

He made a comment about being the only non-lawyer, cause my two friends there today are attorneys like me. So maybe he was uncomfortable or nervous? Idk. I'm just scared of picking someone like my ex again where things seemed perfect when we were alone, but he didn't hang out with my friends and didn't invite me with his. I see that as a red flag now. So him not introducing me to his friends seems a little weird to me.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1150 | Registered: Jul 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the update. You've got a good read on the situation. Just keep keeping your eyes wide open. This wasn't a strong weekend for him for sure!


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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