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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The stbxww's family
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've posted similar topics before as I keep revisiting this every month or so. With my D finalization 2 week's from today, I've gone back-and-forth on the idea of sending her family a brief note just to let them know that they did mean a lot to me, because, well, they did. If I do this, I would absolutely wait until the D is done. If I do this, as mentioned, the note would be very brief and just to them - there'd be no mention at all of the ex. There's a huge part of me that really does miss them. They were my family for 11+ years. I spent time in their homes, watched some of them get married and start their own families, all of that. There were gatherings around all holidays, time spent with my little nieces and nephews, and just plenty of good memories. I feel like I need to give that all a proper goodbye in order to reconcile yet another aspect of what once was my life that my ex stole from me. I don't just lose her - I lose all of them.

I know from responses to my own posts, as well as reading others thoughts here on similar topics, that a divorce or break-up doesn't necessarily mean you have no contact with the ex's family ever again. I have read of accounts where former in-laws remain quite close in fact. That said, the only member of her family that has had any contact with me since d-day has been her dad. We were very close, and I could still see the possibility of retaining a relationship. He has indicated he wants that as well, and while she's his daughter, he's made it clear he does not agree with her actions here. It's good to hear and all, but I know he doesn't speak for the rest of the family necessarily. Most of the family I spent the most time with was her Mom's side. Her Dad isn't exactly welcome there as he's the one who made my ex's Mom a divorcee. It didn't end well. Point is, I may have more supporters in the ex's family than I know of. I've heard some whispers and picked up on some subtle clues that this may be the case. All that said, again, I've heard not a peep from any of them in over 2 months.

I realize they may not know what to say to me. I realize they may take my silence as indication I want nothing to do with them, when really all I'm trying to do is shut out more pain. I did also commit the social cardinal sin of deactivating my Facebook account after d-day. For me, it was more of an "I don't need to stumble across anything I don't want to see" type of move, where others may take it as me rejecting them. I just don't want to be rejected by them too.

I have no idea what story they've gotten. I know many of them did really love me and considered me family. It was in their actions that I know it was real. Then again, these are the same people who supposedly made my soon-to-be ex "feel good about her decisions to leave me and not seek any reconciliation." Those words still echo in my head so very loudly, and continue to sting so very deeply.

I don't know that I have a question here or what I expect as far as replies go. It's just all been bothering me so much as divorce finalization draws closer. I'm starting to think more and more that I will NOT reach out to anyone (aside from her father, though I will remain cautious there). If they really care, they know how to find me. At the end of the day though, they are still her family. Maybe I just got to borrow them, and now that time is over.


"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Posts: 881 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May I ask what's your goal in this?

Are you hoping to remain in contact with her family? Do you care what they think of you? Are you expecting or hoping they will include you in their lives?

Or is this just about you? Your feelings of loss and wanting to act on those feelings?


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really have anything to say about this except that everything to do with stbxwh family hurts me. A lot.

My in-law family ALL live on the SAME STREET as we do...my MIL and FIL, BIL and SIL (stbxwh step brother), and my other BIL and SIL (his biological bro who he is now living with.) When we bought our home 13 years ago - I jokingly said "we better stay married because your whole family lives on the same street." Sheesh.

My MIL and I were very very close and my stbxwh has a difficult relationship with her. He sees her as a failed mother and grandmother. Crickets from her.
I just want to tell her how much I stood up for her- assuring my stbxwh that as a mom she did many things wrong and hurtful, but she (like all people) was doing the best she could...and at almost 70 we weren't going to have her around forever and needed to forgive her....
Do you think she has EVER stood up for me? She has known about the A for the whole time and has never once admonished him for it.

MY SIL sent me a text yesterday from Florida- she and my BIL are down there visiting my MIL and FIL as they live there for the winter. She texted me saying she and my BIL wanted to buy the boys sneakers (as they do every year when down there) and what size were they this year. My stbxwh probably didn't even know that info...
Anyway - I texted back the sizes and then said "thank you for doing this. Hope you're having a good trip" and got nothing in response.

I do not understand why, in all this, am I THE ONE BEING TREATED SO CLINICALLY AND COLDLY??! I DIDN'T STEP OUT OF THE MARRIAGE!!!!

In reverse, my stbxwh sent my Dad a short, simple "happy birthday" message on his bday (post S) and my parents- who have known abouth the A from dday on - sent him back a lovely message back saying they loved him and would always love him.

Anyway- the enmeshed nature of two families is really really really hard.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
MadeOfScars
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Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May I ask what's your goal in this?
Are you hoping to remain in contact with her family? Do you care what they think of you? Are you expecting or hoping they will include you in their lives?

Or is this just about you? Your feelings of loss and wanting to act on those feelings?

I guess that's what I'm honestly trying to figure out still. Above all, I just feel like everything just so abruptly "ended." Just 2 days before d-day, it was a Saturday movie night at the MIL's place with 2 of my SIL's and their kids. Just 2 nights prior I was the uncle that my nieces and nephews fought over for attention. Just 2 night's prior, it was a hug and a kiss (on the cheek) from my MIL as she always did when we left. Everything seemed perfect. Then "bam," it's all gone. I guess I have this need to write a more appropriate ending or something, but life doesn't always work that way. I don't think I want a relationship with them all to remain as it'd just be too tough really. Like I said, I guess I just want some "proper" finality, though it may never be. It's just over, and that's that.

Yeah, I guess I do somewhat care what they think of me now, but what does it really change? Nothing. I'm still divorcing her. She still cheated and left me. It's still over. I guess this is one of the last things I need to let go of in order to truly move on.


I don't really have anything to say about this except that everything to do with stbxwh family hurts me. A lot.

I do not understand why, in all this, am I THE ONE BEING TREATED SO CLINICALLY AND COLDLY??! I DIDN'T STEP OUT OF THE MARRIAGE!!!!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I knew what else to say other than thank you for sharing your perspective. I do think this tells me what I need to do, or rather not do.

(((Klove)))


"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Posts: 881 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
freeatlast72
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Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blood is thicker than water.

IMHO, I would not send a letter to them...what done is done. It will not change anything.


My STBXMIL has the attitude regarding our separation..."you are not the first and you won't be the last"....really? She has 16 (yes, 16!) brothers and sisters and most of them are divorced. She knows OW and her kids and hugs on them and talks to OW more than me.....she is my daughter's grandmother, so that will be our relationship moving forward. I do not plan on celebrating holidays with them. We are getting a divorce and that means moving forward with my life! Her son did not want this family so he will get a new family and she will be a part of that. I should tell her to start saving for birthday and holidays she will have 2 more instant grandkids!!!



BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I just mean I agree- blood is thicker than water and if they wanted to reach out to you, they would.

It doesn't erase the PAIN I hear in your post. It's palpable.

(((hugs)))


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blood is thicker than water.
IMHO, I would not send a letter to them...what done is done. It will not change anything.

Yeah, I think I've reached that same conclusion. Thank you.

My STBXMIL has the attitude regarding our separation..."you are not the first and you won't be the last"....really?

Well she sounds lovely!


It doesn't erase the PAIN I hear in your post. It's palpable.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not over my stbxww. That said, I think I'm closer to acceptance that we're done than I am to the initial pain and shock of d-day. I spent quite a bit of time secretly (or not so secretly on this site) hoping she'd snap out of it and come crawling back to me. Now, I think I've come too far in such a short time to want to undo the progress I've made. She cheated. She lied. She left. Why would I want that back? She doesn't deserve me. I honestly think I miss our life more than her now, including her family. It is very painful to just suddenly be out of the picture there, but I imagine it'd be even more painful to have them tell me directly that I am no longer part of their lives. NC really is best all-around it seems.


"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Posts: 881 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
7yrsflushed
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Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just my 2 cents. I cut off all contact with stbxww's family. I didn't tell them I was goign to do it. I just did it. They all had my phone number and some of them knew what happened and what stbxww did. If they wanted to reach out to me they would have. The fact that they haven't tells me all I need to know. Some ask my parents how I am doing but if they can't take the time to pick up the phone and call then they have shown me where there loyalty is and i'm okay with that.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 12:44 PM, April 4th (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1834 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
gypsybird87
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Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was faced with the same situation. My own family is in another state. XWH's was essentially my family here. We were very close and I spent a lot of time with them. It was very hard losing an entire family I loved through no fault of my own.

After dday, I was shocked to receive only crickets. I found out later that XWH lied to all of them and told them that I had requested they not contact me, because it was too painful. He had to squeeze in one more lie, apparently.

Anyway, after much soul searching, I decided to reach out to the people I had been closest to: his mother and his daughter. I just couldn't let it all die without telling them how much I loved them, and how much knowing them had brought to my life. As you said, I needed a proper goodbye.

I think the thing to be careful with here is expectations, and preventing further hurt. For me, it was important to send the letters to achieve peace and closure. But I had to be sure that it was worth it, no matter what response (or no response!) I might receive. I was totally prepared for either a negative or non-response.

Consider the possible outcomes. Do you need a positive response of "we loved you too, will miss you, etc" in order to feel better? Be really sure about this, because you may not get it. If you send it and get back a negative or non-response, will that cancel out the peace you were trying to find by sending it in the first place?

You can only control your own actions. If you will feel better based on sending the letter alone, no matter what the outcome, I would do it. If you need some sort of response from them, then I would probably not do it, because you may get hurt or let down.


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 669 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
MadeOfScars
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Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they wanted to reach out to me they would have. The fact that they haven't tells me all I need to know.

May be hard for me to accept, but yeah, silence oftentimes speaks volumes.

Consider the possible outcomes. Do you need a positive response of "we loved you too, will miss you, etc" in order to feel better? Be really sure about this, because you may not get it. If you send it and get back a negative or non-response, will that cancel out the peace you were trying to find by sending it in the first place?

Good points. If I am to be honest with myself, anything short of a "we love you and miss you too" type response would hurt big time. Whether it be further silence, being told to piss off, whatever, I don't know that I could handle it. Maybe one day that may change, but right now, and presumably 2 weeks from now when my divorce should be final, I am not there. As such, I think it is better that I just say nothing.


"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Posts: 881 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
WestMonroe91
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Member # 41999
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with 7yrsflushed. STBXW family have my cell number and can call or text if they want to. I do not plan on contacting them. After I told WW sister about the A, what I noticed is that the family circled the wagons around WW. So in this case too, blood is thicker that water.


BS-59 (me)
WS-48
DD-25, DS-20, DS-19

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jan 2014
gypsybird87
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Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May be hard for me to accept, but yeah, silence oftentimes speaks volumes.

Very true, though in my case their silence was due to manipulation by my XWH. His father would not have contacted me regardless, but his mother was horrified, as she had been resisting her urge to contact me only because she thought that was what I wanted. I don't think this should factor into your decision necessarily, just keep in mind that you don't know exactly what these folks have been told, by someone who is a known liar.

In any case, I would not view their lack of contact as a reflection of how they feel about you. They may have been manipulated, they may be uncomfortable, they may be ashamed of their daughter's actions.

As you said, contact or no contact, in the end it changes nothing about the outcome of the marriage. Just do whatever is going to give you the most peace.

((soulhurts))

ETA: Keep in mind this is not a now or never. You can always send something later, when you feel more ready. For me, the timing was perfect to send Mother's Day cards, since xMIL had been like a mother to me, and my stepdaughter was having her very first Mother's Day with her new baby. You could even wait until Christmas, and send a card letting them know you'll always remember them fondly.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 3:41 PM, April 4th (Friday)]


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 669 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
norabird
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Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had not too much history with my ex's family, but that was still more contact than he managed on his own before me. For some reason I felt that I needed to say goodbye to his mom (she had not been told of the break-up by him of course) and I sent her a short text wishing her well. In my case, the reaction was very positive, and I ended up speaking with by phone shortly thereafter, a long half hour conversation--actually the first time we ever spoke by phone. This was very soon after my second d-day so I think I sort of just wanted someone near him to know I had tried, I had loved him. I didn't mention the cheating specifically. At the end, I felt like I had done her a service too--had allowed her to speak about her fears for him if he did not mature.

It worked out for me. But, he is not really a family person, so I was engaging with a woman who already understood his limits. If I had been trash-talking him, I probably would have met the 'blood is thicker than water' wall, but I wasn't, which probably helped it be a more healing exchange for us both. Maybe it was also my grasping at straws though and unhealthily trying to extend the relationship through auxilaries.

Perhaps wait until you know you would be okay with no response or a rejection, and then send the good-bye you are thinking of. I think the in-law relationships do deserve a proper ending, when you are ready. Or perhaps with time the need will fade.

No matter what I know you will choose well for yourself. I know you will be able to be proud of whatever route you take.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3784 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
stronger08
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Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do yourself a big favor and don't send anything. If they are concerned they will contact you. Your gonna open up Pandora's box with shit like that. Sadly the loss of IL's are just collateral damage in this big fucking mess. As I said, if they want to be in touch they will. If not they wont and its best to leave it at that.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5568 | Registered: Nov 2007
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might be going against the grain here.

I think you should contact them. Whether by card, email or phone call.

I think this because it seems to weigh heavily on your mind. Until you get a reaction one way or another from them I wonder if you will be able to fully move on. Scenarios are - good, they keep in contact. Bad, they blame you or at least confirm you are better off without them. Be prepared for the worst.

My xFIL was essentially my 'dad'. He is the one I saw walking me down the aisle if I got married. One of the first things out of my mouth on DD was to state that my x's betrayal also broke my relationship with his family whom I held very dear and in high esteem. I have subsequently learned that unfortunately their son did not grow up in a vacuum. However I would not have learned that if I did not have contact. Painful = yes. But for me it was necessary.

I do believe that sometimes we 'need' to be hurt to cut ties, reinforce our decision, and truly move on. At least you get a chance to express, without selfish motivation, the gratitude you feel for the time you were blessed to spend with them.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 722 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
MadeOfScars
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Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the different perspectives and advice here. I do think I will wait for quite a while before maybe reaching out. Right now, I simply could not handle any type of rejection, so I will not open "pandora's box" for the foreseeable future. While I would theoretically like closure, I just am not ready for what that may consist of, at least not now.

Down the road, I may be prepared for whatever the response may be, positive or negative. Then again, by then, I may not even care anymore. All that said, I won't shut any of them down right away if any of them should reach out to me, but for the foreseeable future, I think it would need to be on them to approach me. Either choice hurts, but believe it or not, I think NOT knowing where I stand with them, or even if I matter anymore, is better for me at the present time.

Thanks again everyone.


"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn." - C.S. Lewis

Posts: 881 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Mousse242
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Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they were only kind to you and they really did mean that much to you, just do it.

Don't expect a response, don't expect it to change anything, but let them know.

You have no idea what they are going through too losing you. It may open a window or a door and it may not. Have NO expectations.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
h0peless
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Closure is a myth, unfortunately. I understand feeling like you need it, but you're going to have to let go of that one at some point because it simply doesn't exist.

Losing the in-laws was painful for me too. I liked some of them, was pretty close (or so I thought) to one of my brother in laws and I had two little nephews who I had known for their whole lives and who i absolutely adored. I haven't heard anything from any of them, save for a "happy birthday, we miss you but can't talk to you for obvious reasons" from the ex brother in law.

It sucks but it seems to be the way it shakes out most of the time.


Posts: 1576 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
time2Bstronger
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Member # 34715
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am luckily in the minority here. At least now. When my wh had his 1st affair, my dear mil made excuses for him. None for the next ones. My dear mil supported me 100%. She has since passed on and I miss her horribly. But, I am close to my xh family, am going on vacation w/ sil and family soon. Wh hasnt spoken to any of his family in years.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kajem
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Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also in the minority.

My kids and I were incredibly close with inlaws. SIL is my BFF, mil was a very good friend, FIL was like a second dad to me. I was more than a daughter in law to them. I knew it, XH knew it.

Due to circumstances having to do with kids, the inlaws were my allies in the beginning of the end. They were my back up babysitters even after he left. I never got between them and my kids.

For a time XH and NW used the kids visiting inlaws as a reward or punishment for when I had contact with them. As a result, I started backing off - I did not want to come between them and their son. I would email or call them and give them updates on kids or invite them to a school band concert, art show or awards ceremony. I found out that XH was not notifying them and the kids LOVED having themi at these things, so I kept doing it, till the kids graduated HS. Mil sent me lovely thank you notes. FIL was busy believing the lies XH/NW were telling them about me.

Then DD (unmarried college student) gets pregnant. NW and DD have words, NW threatens to divorce XH if he doesn't cut off DD's cellphone in front of inlaws. She tells XH not to tell DD, then tells inlaws not to tell DD or they won't be seeing son or grandchildren! DD was 8 months pregnant when this happened. Mil calls me in tears to tell me about the phone. She wants to support DD, but doesn't know how to do it without loosing her son! We talk ALOT about this.

They made the choice to be there for DD and DGD(almost 2), since then XH and NW have treated his parents horribly. His parents want nothing to do with XH or NW until the recieve an apology for how they've been treated.

We talk once a week or every time DGD does something wonderful, brilliant, cute or sweet.😊 We rarely talk about the dynamic duo of dysfunction. There are so many other fun things to discuss!

It's taken awhile but my family is now intact and it feels right!

Hugs,
K

[This message edited by Kajem at 9:45 PM, April 4th (Friday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4856 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
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