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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: the selfishness never ceases to amaze...
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You folks are probably so sick of my slow realizations...but if I don't post here I'm tempted to blast in his face...

My sister has a friend who is married and who is having an affair with a married man and has been for 5+ years. The affair is physical and emotional. The woman has no children and claims she does not love her husband. The man has 2 children, says he still loves his wife and will not leave his wife or his children for his affair person.

In chatting with my sister (who knows both of these people)- she said "One of the most selfish things is the fact that the woman will not leave her husband and set him free to find a woman who REALLY loves him... She has nothing tieing her to her husband except a fear of being 'alone.'"

I fully recognize that my stbxwh and his bitch are extremely selfish- but I never looked at his OW like that. She has no kids and said she did not love her BH...When OW and he BH split, stbxwh said she reported being "happy it was over" and that she had "stopped loving him for a long time."
But that was a year and a half post beginning of affair. I can understand why a man with a family would desire to cake eat. But the OW with no kids, no real ties to her BH? That is all about her and the epitome of SELFISH...Nevermind that she was the mastermind behind all of the lies, visits, etc. between herself and my stbxwh. Not taking any blame off of him- but he is just not that smart about lieing. She was the crafty one. She was the one on the recorded phone call...
"you need to leave your wife and kids- they will be ok."
"I'll come move to your province and live with you...I'll quit my job..."
"We need to come clean with our spouses and stop this lieing" (and then proceeded to lie to her spouse for another year and a half)

They both make me sick.
I'm so glad I'm not them...


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the most selfish things is the fact that the woman will not leave her husband and set him free to find a woman who REALLY loves him... She has nothing tieing her to her husband except a fear of being 'alone.'

Kids aren't the only ties that bind. Cake-eating is cake eating.

I'd say your STBXWH was a pretty effective liar - most of all to himself. Can you imagine the effort it takes to conduct an LTA? There is nothing passive there. He lied to you day in and day out, even if she handled the logistics.

Keep reading, keep posting. Your posts help many others too - lurkers and posters alike.

AFAIK most of the OW were single. Couldn't get a single guy so decided to go for a married guy. It's pretty easy to compete with real life when you're offering UnicornFartLand to a broken individual with little to no integrity.

I don't get the appeal of a married man but it has to have something to do with them being the lowest hanging fruit. Very easy to impress because they're being saved from the wicked wife who doesn't know what she has.

Too right I didn't know what I had - a lying, cheating, POS with zero regard for anything or anyone aside from instant gratification.

Soon enough the illusion fades and she becomes the wicked wife/GF. Once we are out of the picture there is a vacant OW position available. Someone to once again save him from the wicked wife.

Lather.Rinse.Repeat.

Why is your sister friends with these people?

[This message edited by SBB at 8:14 AM, April 4th (Friday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5533 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sister has a very hard time associating with these people- she just knows them from a common group of friends.

Stbxwh is a pro at lieing to himself- but very very bad at lieing to me. His OW had to orchestrate all that for him. WINNER!

It just infuriates me- when I used to be on facebook with her (I added her when she was stbxwh "coworker" sort of to prove they weren't having a suspected affair - if she had the balls to add me, she obviously wasn't f%^&ing my husband- yeah right..) I could tell alot about her relationship with her husband. They took separate vacations- she with her girlfriend's and he with the boys. They spent xmas apart at each other's parent's homes. She posted stuff about hiking and yoga and run clubs and bike clubs that he had nothing to do with. Stbxwh said they lead completely separate lives.

My stbxwh and I did all kinds of things together -that I planned (hindsight)- we went away 2 times a year together alone. We went to concerts- usually once a month...music lovers. We had dinner alone once every 2 months or so. We would sit up after the kids were in bed and drink wine and talk. We formed all kinds of family xmas traditions and our home was the centre of many/every xmas parties and dinners.

I can understand what made it hard for him to leave...but I can't understand what made it hard for her to leave her BH except 100% her own selfishness.

Don't get me wrong- I am NOT letting my asshole stbxwh off the hook here. He is 100% to blame for what happened to my family.

I'm just raging on the OW. When mutuals of ours say "what kind of a woman would..." I always go to "break up a family" "go after a man with young kids" "keep pursuing after she was begged by the wife."
I almost never think about HER marriage and the other life ruined (OR SAVED ) by her antics.


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually- could use some advice in this dept.

Around Dec I contacted the BH and we chatted a few times- trading info. I was still hoping to reconcile with my stbxwh and held some information about about the affair- namely- the extent of it and how I caught it. I never told him that I actually caught it red-handed on an audio tape...I told him I suspected and confronted and stbxwh admitted.

I then halted all info sharing because my stbxwh was furious that I was contacted OWBH.

I am thinking about reconnecting with him because I feel badly that I lied. He was desperately seeking closure...he was so hurt.

Is this a wise idea? My motives are because I feel badly about him AND because it might hurt her more...
Or is this just me not moving on? Sometimes it's so hard to fucking tell...


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thinking about reconnecting with him because I feel badly that I lied. He was desperately seeking closure...he was so hurt
IMO, you already told the other BS and that's all you are required to do. If he wanted additional info he would have reached back out to you. Don't pet the drama llama. You are better off focusing on yoruself.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did reach out to me and I blew him off because my stbxwh were still living together and false R. I blew him off because my stbxwh insisted I do so.
This is why I feel bad...


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Klove
♀ Member
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rethinking this- you're right...it's better to focus on me.
And if I really examine it- I guess I'm hoping if he and I talk it will get back to her and make her mad and then get back to stbxwh and make him mad. Gotta stopppp.
I guess, too, I was thinking the her stbxbh might have a scoop on whether or not she was planning to move here...I would like some heads up on that..


"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
freeatlast72
♀ Member
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Move forward Klove....

Focus on yourself and your children AND getting what you want in terms of the divorce settlement.


BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.


Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey,
You are racking your brain on something that will only hurt you. I know because I do the same sometimes.
The OW in my case was getting a D when she pursed my wh and said "you should not have to wear your wedding ring to prove you are married it means nothing it is what is in your heart" She knew he was married and I even spoke to her to tell her to back the FUCK OFF! She said that she has more male friends then female friend and I should not worry and that it was up to my wh if he wanted to leave her alone. And then the A took off for 3.5 years and she was the most evil bitch I ever have encountered. Texting me "You need to get use to sharing your wh because I am never going anywhere"
"Are you still fucking your wh"? She use to call me "The C*&t"
The OW's are nothing but a instigator. Don't waste to much head space. They both were at fault. Him mostly for letting the OW disrespect me and my kids and following suite with a whore, he knew she slept with alot of other co workers well in LTA with WH. That says alot about him at the time.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Klove....The reason you shouldn't contact him is because it does nothing for you except keep you dwelling on the affair. I agree with the others. You gave him a heads up already. The only way additional contact can be construed is that you're still trying to make trouble for the OW because you still care. Even if you still care, and that's understandable, don't give your STBXWH the satisfaction of knowing that.

Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 10

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