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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Co-parenting fail
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been divorced 5 yrs now.

One thing I always prided myself (even 'us') on was the ability to co-parent well. Initially it was great, but over the years it's gone to shit - which is where I find myself (us again) at now.

Something minor came up recently and it turned into this lame texty war thing. It got to point where I said, "we are just not communicating well". Of course he says, "Didn't notice anything on my end. What do you mean?" (this was after the super lame text 'fight'. I'm in my 40's, text fighting is, like, beneath me, kwim?! *sigh*)

I'm just crampy/cranky venting. I never thought we'd end up BFF/co-parents, but I did think we'd be able to talk about a pick up time without a fight. Sheesh! Duh me!



Posts: 14319 | Registered: Jun 2008
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Co-parenting is hard. We are doing extremely well with it right now (in fact I was asked tonight at HS registration, if EX and I were back together...which we are not).

I know that it can change at the drop of a hat.

Best of luck. I hope things turn around soon.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We started out strong; it's been since he married OW (a little bit over a year now) that it's gotten bad and I hate that.

It's not like I call XH to cut the grass or when there's a bug or I've had an icky day; it's seriously only kid stuff, ya know?

I don't know, I roll with it all, but I think it's strange. The kids are now becoming messengers and junk. They shouldn't be! Argh.



Posts: 14319 | Registered: Jun 2008
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 1:12 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)]



Posts: 14319 | Registered: Jun 2008
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, I'm sorry. This co-parenting stuff sucks. The OW is the issue that makes our co-parenting difficult as well. They're not married yet, but have lived together since shortly after DDay.

I also don't contact him unless it's about the kids or the house (we still co-own my home, but will be selling it soon. OW gets her undies all in a bunch of we talk at all. So he has to sneak around to talk to me about this stuff. So much for a secure and mature relationship, right?

I'm dreading the fact that I have another 16.5 years of this crap.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 808 | Registered: Mar 2013
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to sound like the bitter XW who blames OW, but it didn't change until their shit got 'real' (marriage).

Wouldn't you want to be with a man who is a good dad?

Maybe he's that disconnected now because of his new life. His loss. Sad for the kids, but I try to make it all good.



Posts: 14319 | Registered: Jun 2008
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are your expectations too high? Is he being obtuse or are you asserting yourself more for a particular situation?

I think we do pretty well with cooperating by-and-large - it's an illusion though because it all turns to shit when I don't do what he wants. Most of the time I do because it's not an issue for me, the times I don't he arcs up and becomes a pain in the rear.

WTFeverrrrr. He's a fuckwit - we've established that. I'll enjoy the surprise bursts of non-fuckwitism but the default is he'll be a fuckwit given half the chance.

I don't think it has anything to do with OW other than when things aren't quite so sparkly at home they seem to get noisy.

Carry on. Nothing to see here.

(Edited for spelling)

[This message edited by SBB at 5:42 AM, April 3rd (Thursday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5392 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Co stands for cooperation. Without cooperation you can not co-parent. When this happens you must defer back to what the court orders say. Follow them to the letter and document everything should you find yourself back in court. Go NC and communicate everything via written text. If the kids are to be picked up at 7:00 on a Friday night, be sure he follows that to the letter. Do not engage him with anything else but what the court orders says. I know its very tempting to get into it with him. But don't go there my friend. Stay cool and treat this like any other business transaction. He is not worth getting your pressure up. Fuck that dude !!!!


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5548 | Registered: Nov 2007
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be thankful you can talk to him! XH isn't 'allowed' to talk to me with out NW/OW being present or reviewing the texts. Kind of makes coparenting with the other parent difficult.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4819 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wouldn't you want to be with a man who is a good dad?

If you've chosen to marry a guy who has proved that he's not a good husband (in fact, the worst kind of husband there is), my guess is that you're too worried playing relationship police to care about how he treats his kids.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2011
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oohhhhh....what phmh said.

I'm hoping we navigate the co parenting thing well. Haven't had to do it yet. After seeing what many of you go through with your ex WSs, I'm having it written into the decree that all non-emergent communication has to go through the court's family wizard.

Everything will be in print and accessible to the court.

I'm hoping that is more of a safety net that we never really need (in terms of having to go to court, yet we are both "protected" because it's there).

I hope your ex gets over himself. Better yet, I hope he learns to stand up to OW and be a decent parent.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1651 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's all shits and giggles here on co co parenting front... Only without the giggles.

WH stated "we should be friends". I think that means I should be friendly to him when he tells me to F off every other week....

ID like to keep open communication, to think he was in this for his kids... But it's pretty hard when she constantly texts him for the hour he sees his kids each fortnight..... Funny how there's no trust there hey


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 533 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Ex and I did custody exchanges smoothly for 2.5 years. All of a sudden he became a d*ck about it...

...right after he found out I had a boyfriend. Coincidence? I think not.

It's about him, and his issues, not you. Just like the affair was.

After 2.5 years, my Ex started insisting we should change custody exchanges from what was spelled out in the divorce decree. He sent me long, long emails about how what HE wanted was so--much--more--logical. I replied that while I could see the change he proposed was better FOR HIM, could he at least acknowledge that it was less convenient FOR ME?

He literally could not do that. He accused me of lying about my own feelings and preferences, and said that I was disagreeing with him out of "spite".

I think the real issue is that he felt psychologically "betrayed" by me moving on, even though in point of fact he had moved on himself long before. I think that since he knew that logically he couldn't say anything about my boyfriend, he picked something else to fight about.

I bet that's going on with your Ex too. The fight you are having now is a cover for something else. Maybe things are going poorly with OWife and in his mind he's figured out how that's somehow your fault? Maybe she gives him a hard time about the kids or communication with you, and he turns around and takes it out on you?


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ bingo. The sad clown is going to go postal when I have an SO. I'm used to him dating given he was doing it all through our M. Him? Not so used to it.

Nothing to do with you. Just like the As.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5392 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 14

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