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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need urgent help from my SI peeps tonight - do I fire this guy ?
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, my ex's infidelity has caused me to lose all faith in my own judgement - and also to realize that I put up with a lot of lies and excuses from him over many years.

I run a business and I employed a new contractor to come into a rental property and install a new window and do some repairs. The tenant re-arranged her schedule to be there. She pays a good rent and I do not want to disrupt her life any more than I have to.

He then cancelled the scheduled appt on Monday saying the window was damaged when he went to collect it. I didn't totally believe this. Anyway, we rescheduled for tomorrow, Thursday.

Now I get a text tonight saying he wants to reschedule because of rain. WTF? The window is in a very sheltered place and the rest of the work is indoors.

This is bringing up so much stuff for me. I just don't believe him when he says the window was broken and then the rain is a problem. The evidence that he is jerking me around is pretty clear. My guess is he has another job elsewhere and he is pushing me back despite the fact he is also supposed to do a whole house of windows for me and a roof next month.

My ex did the same. Endless stupid excuses, endless rearranging of my life to accommodate him and his unmanagabiltiy.

I come across as a nice, rather unworldly person and I think it invites this behavior from some people.

So I texted the contractor back and forth and then said it was tomorrow or I would get someone else. Not in a nasty way but in a firm, polite way.

Now I'm wondering if I have overreacted? But he is making me crazy and he is making me look unprofessional with this tenant and inconveniencing her. He waned her number to call her so I think he wants to sweet talk her. I haven't given him that number. He is a bit like my ex - talks the talk and very charming.

This is how crazy this infidelity has made me BUT I also see my part in accommodating these people, and what they want to do instead of putting my own needs first.

What do I do if he doesn't turn up tomorrow? Go ahead and fire him?


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would. You are building a new business relationship, and he is already causing you stress. Don't invite this kind of person into your life. Surely there is a contractor who wants the work and understands the benefits of being reliable.

I also have a lower tolerance for crap post-infidelity, but I find it is uncomplicating my life in so many ways. Set the boundary, keep it. The consequences are his, not yours.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you overreacted; I think this guy figures he'll run things on his terms - maybe tomorrow is a bigger job, so he'll put you off for it...thinking he'll do the big job and then scoop your job when 'he can'.

I don't think what we've been through has made us paranoid, I feel like it's made me a bit more hip to bullshit and also made me realize I don't need to accept what I don't find acceptable, you know?

Find someone else that will work with your schedule, you don't need to work with his!



Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, let him go. Also, it's completely unprofessional that he wants the phone number of the tenant to talk to her himself. That's just wrong on all levels.

Sorry, Hon.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Leia
♀ Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others. Fire his ass and find someone that you can work with. Give the big job to someone who does the current small project well. Don't give out tenants phone numbers without their permission. This can be seen as an invasion of their privacy. Good luck!


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's just creepy ^^^.

Next.

I don't know if they have this service where you live, but Rent A Husband is a franchise you might seek out.

No job too small...


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17493 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's one thing, if the only person he is inconveniencing is you, the only person's time he's wasting is yours. He's f-ing with your tenant though. That strains your tenant/landlord relationship and causes tensions with a person that pays you money. This impacts your livelihood.

Oh yeah. If he's a no-show, cut your losses, fire his ass for non-performance, and get someone else that will do the all of the upcoming jobs. And let the next person know upfront that when you hire someone, you expect that they will keep their commitments or else.

And bravo for you for not giving out your tenant's contact information! It is NOT your tenant's job to coordinate with the contractor. It's the landlords job.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely have less tolerance for bs but I'm worried that I am going to turn into Nancy Grace.

So he left me a voicemail saying "I didn't mean to upset you... I will be there tomorrow... I'm just worried about the rain and I want to do a good job."

Upset me? No, I'm not upset, I'm setting a boundary.

I agree that I don't want to use him in the future if this is the situation at the start and I'm as sure as I can be that he has another job he's working on and I'm low on the totem pole.

I am feeling bruised right now, as well. I'm running this on my own without my ex after ten years with him in the business. I feel reliability and professionalism is at the top of my list, ahead of price. I don't want to deal with this bs. I had someone work outside on Saturday in the snow, they just tacked up a tarp, on another job. So I just call bs on this rain excuse. But then I think, "Well maybe he is telling the truth...."

Which is EXACTLY what I went through with my ex.

How do you get to a place of trusting your own judgement again? I feel mine has been shattered. I realize now why some successful women come across as hard and tough - they maybe needed to be that way.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you are not overreacting. This guy thinks that he is your only option. Maybe the window was damaged, maybe not. But the whole rain thing? No. Last month I had contractors replace 2 windows and 2 doors in the SNOW. Plus your tenant is taking off work and rearranging her schedule to try to accommodate this guy, so he is also jerking her around. Finally, he is supposed to do a big job for you next month, so he is setting you up to expect him to delay and drag out the job. Not cool. He should be jumping thru hoops to please you because you do have a big job coming up. He is not. He clearly does not care about you as a client.

I have had a lot of work done on my house in the past 6 months. And I have been incredibly disappointed in the responsiveness of contractors. I have had them make appointments to do an estimate and then no show and not call. I have had them actually come to make ans estimate and then not send me the estimate. I have had them not return calls. And then there was the contractor who I hired to do 2 things. They botched the first thing so badly that I canceled the second thing. And then they sent the finance company a bill for BOTH jobs! I was furious. It took them 2 weeks to create the problem and more than 3 months to resolve it... assholes

My point is, there are good reliable contractors out there and there are not great ones and there are tons who fall in between. Keep looking until you find ones that are reliable. Do not be scared to "fire" the bad ones. And fight the ones who try to rip you off (threatening to write bad reviews and go to news media worked for me)

Trust your gut. After being betrayed we question ourselves 6 ways to Sunday. But if you look back you know that your gut was screaming during certain times before dday and then again after dday. And your gut screaming is what made you make the difficult decision to D. So trust your gut and walk away from things and people who make you uncomfortable.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17684 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm calling bullshit on the rain excuse. Sorry, but I had my house remodeled during the winter months. Rain, freezing temps, snow. Our guys were here during all of it, tearing the back off of the house, pouring the concrete, framing, roofing, windows, wires, pipes, walls... The rain didn't delay anything except the concrete pour.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, guys. When he first mentioned rain my first thought was WTF? This is a window at the rear of the house off the deck. I would be surprised if the rain even hits it. It really helps to hear you had that work done in snow.

I think he will be there tomorrow. After all he has that custom window to pay for.

For the record, he is A+ BBB rated and came recommended. But I think he has a bigger job and he figures I am a nice person who will go along with his schedule. I did specifically make clear how important it was to me to keep this tenant happy. But, like my ex, words don't count. It has taken me politely threatening to fire him to get action.

My ex was a contractor. He was always cancelling, basically because he was lazy and had poor time management. Generally, the people he didn't jerk around were older men. I guess he profiled his customers and figured who would put up with the most inconvenience...


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the record, he is A+ BBB rated and came recommended.

The company that tried to screw me over did too. (In fact my final message to them after they did not return calls/email for 10+ days was "I will be contacting BBB tomorrow if I do not hear from you". They called me literally within minutes of receiving THAT message...) So did some of the contractors that did not show for estimates. A+ BBB rating is important, but does not tell the whole story. It just means that they did not piss of clients enough to file a report.

Your were M to a contractor so you know a little of the mentality. I am not saying that all contractors are like that, but I do think they "profile" clients. So put on your bitch boots and let all contractors know that they should not mess with you.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17684 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not overreacting. You are paying this guy to perform a service. If you were at a resteraunt, and the server came up and said, listen, I have something else to do, so I will wait on you in a bit. Then they come back and say I can't take your order yet, there is a table of 12 that just walked in and I have to serve them first. Would you tolerate that?

I also think it's perfectly fine to be polite, but firm. If he thinks he upset you that's on him. I would respond with I'm not upset, but I do expect you to perform your job when you told me you would.

You are needing to build a reputation of no nonsense. Once word gets out that you are kind, reasonable, and no bullshit kind a gal then you won't have to be such a hardass, but until then stick to your guns.

I would absolutely not give him the number of the resident. That's not OK.

Its such a double standard that we come across as bitches when we expect what we are told is going to be done, and then follow through. If it was a man he wouldn't even think to bump you because he wouldn't want to piss him off.

Anyway. My 2 cents.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should be happy your bullshit meter is more finely attuned, instead of being worried you're now too harsh or untrusting. Why allow people to walk all over you and put off their commitments, in business anymore than in relationships? You deserve more than that, and it's awesome that now you know it and are putting that knowledge to use.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, you were already nice accepting his first excuse for cancelling when he said the window was broken. He tries to cancel the second time too? No. You aren't being a bitch or anything else.

You asked how do you manage to trust your gut again. You are figuring that out now. He gave you the broken excuse. You took it at face value, and said ok. He comes back the second time with the rain excuse. Instead of just saying ok, you said, waaaiiiitttt a minute....

You came here and got opinions. That's ok; you haven't trusted your gut in a while, but you didn't go blindly...you checked it out. People here validated what you were feeling. You stuck to your guns with the contractor. You just DID trust your gut!! Did the world explode? Nope. You got what you wanted, and you got an apology. You can do it!

Just don't dismiss that little voice. Listen to it when it's telling you something is wrong. Got with it. See what happens. Check with others first, if you think you may be off. Sooner or later, you will find that you can trust that voice, and you will go with it without "outside help".


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
jemimapd
♀ Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's one thing, if the only person he is inconveniencing is you, the only person's time he's wasting is yours. He's f-ing with your tenant though. That strains your tenant/landlord relationship and causes tensions with a person that pays you money. This impacts your livelihood.

Just don't dismiss that little voice. Listen to it when it's telling you something is wrong. Got with it. See what happens. Check with others first, if you think you may be off.

Yes, all of the above and the fact that I got two stupid excuses in an effort to manipulate me which SI'ers pointed out were ridiculous. Odd that a very large custom window was damaged on Monday but good to go on Wednesday when he picked it up?

Update: he turned up on time on Thursday and did a very nice job on the window and the other small items except that I am not sure if he repaired a faucet. I was out of town yesterday and when I texted him to ask if he was all done he did not reply. Well, he's going to have to contact me if he wants to get paid.

Do I make him come back and do the faucet?

So... This guy is basically my ex: charming, nice-guy persona, capable of doing a great job - plus he lies when it is convenient for him, ignores boundaries and doesn't like it when he is not in control.

I made it very, very clear that this tenant pays a good rent and needs to be happy with the service she receives. He agreed and then proceeded to ignore that.

It's actions not words and that is what I am learning now for the first time, really learning it in my heart for the first time in my life.

I also realize how much financial and other irresponsibility I put up with from my ex. I spent my time rearranging my life and finances to accommodate him.

My ex has a profile on match.com which said he is looking for someone, "Compassionate, kind and loving." That describes me perfectly - good characteristics but also traits that can be taken advantage of and manipulated.

I realize just how much trouble I have putting myself first but as Skan said, this is my livelihood. There is me and two children to support and I need to keep that at the forefront of my mind. Me and my family and more important than any contractor's schedule.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 9:18 AM, April 4th (Friday)]


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You contracted him to fix/replace certain items. If he did not, he is in breach of contract. Period. You are obligated to pay him for what he did, but if the faucet was not fixed, do NOT pay him for it. Even if he tries to bully you. Do. Not. Pay. Him. For. It.

Confirm with your tenant that it is or is not fixed and to her satisfaction as well.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex has a profile on match.com which said he is looking for someone, "Compassionate, kind and loving." That describes me perfectly - good characteristics but also traits that can be taken advantage of and manipulated.

My ex's Match.com profile described the woman he was looking for. Aside from the fact that he's changed the race he finds attractive*, he described me to a T.

* Although he won't say it online, he did used to say it to me in person - he is looking for a woman with long black hair to masturbate into, so if you're of Asian or Latino descent, he's interested in you! Er, your hair, I mean. Bonus points if you are also submissive and won't challenge him in any way, will keep his house clean & meals cooked, a la 1950's stereotype.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9824 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 18

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