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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: "End" of PA season...
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So today is the "anniversary" of the last day WH and OW had sex. Later that week WH told her he was feeling uncomfortable with the physical aspect of their relationship and they decided to stop. It was another 2 months of EA (some kissing but at some point she told them they could only be work friends, still saying "I love you" though) until I found out 5/26.

I'm not sure how to feel. I still think about it pretty much every hour but the pain and anger are definitely less acute. There were a couple of really rough days when I wasn't sure how I would get through them but I made it. My world didn't fall apart, we're still together and trying to move forward.

We've had some really good times and I'm feeling better about our progress but at the same time I wish we were doing better. Pre-A we really didn't communicate well. I'm trying so hard to make myself vulnerable but sometimes I feel like he doesn't know what to do with my feelings. I asked him why he doesn't share more with me and he told me he really wants to enjoy our time together. I get that, I really do but I would feel so much better if he shared his struggles with me. He promises he's not pushing them down, he thinks about them, processes and moves on. I wish it were that easy for me.

At almost a year out I'm still very afraid but at the same time I can acknowledge how much better we are doing. I'm truly hoping that as I move toward acceptance I will be able to let go of the pain and the hurt and we can work on our marriage more. I love my husband more than I can say. I don't want things to go back to the way they were.

Thank you guys so much for being here even if it's the last place I ever wanted to be.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked him why he doesn't share more with me and he told me he really wants to enjoy our time together. I get that, I really do but I would feel so much better if he shared his struggles with me.

I think we're married to the same guy. I don't know why some people don't bring up their struggles. Why be married then? Just to have good times? I wonder about this too - ((AML))


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4933 | Registered: Dec 2010
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I don't get that. I FEEL better after sharing now. It's like a weight is lifted off my chest. Not to mention if I'm the only one bringing up the painful things I don't think we can have that emotional intimacy we were both missing before.

It sounds crazy but in the 2nd/3rd month after dday I felt so incredibly IN LOVE with WH. I think it was because we were BOTH sharing and being open with each other (even though I still got TT), I felt so close to him. I want that feeling back!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AML - exactly how I feel. It's intimacy for me. It's excrutiating for him. And I don't now why. He says it reminds him and he doesn't want to be reminded. So I do try to keep it at a minimum.
I enjoy the good times too.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4933 | Registered: Dec 2010
Guss
♂ New Member
Member # 39113
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just like rachelc, I have the same question: Why be married then, if you canít open up????

I am probably the strangest and oddest of the male folk but married to the strangest and oddest of the women folk. Hereís how I mean:

I find it easy to express my struggles and by needs both sexually and emotionally. I am very good Ė maybe excessively good - at expressing displeasure when there is displeasure and acknowledgement when I encounter such. My problem is that unlike most women, WW is very closed, inhibited and bottled up and rarely opens up to me. Yet she is known to open up to others: relatives, friends and most recently, APs, who were ex flames. During R she becomes even more closed to open up on the details of the A.

I find it easy to open with WW but why is it that WW finds it easy to open up with others and NOT me. I have repeatedly pointed this to her, particularly during the 1 year R journey, that what I miss in our M is the companionship arising from the sharing of inner struggles. Could it be we were not meant be soul mates? I just canít get it.

We will be clocking one year since DD this month and I will be hard pressed to say we have made significant progress in connecting at all.

Indeed, why be married then, if you can open up???

Exhausted,

Guss

Me = BS(48)
WW = 46
M = 10 years
DD = April, 20, 2013
Painstaking R journey.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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