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Newest Member: dunnoY (44984)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Still hurting.
Hurtgmw
♀ New Member
Member # 42833
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 1 month since I found out my partner had been on a swinging site, slept with at least 2 women, met 2 more, had contact sending 500 texts to another wonan, regular phone calls to another woman, he admitted he tried to meet her as well, but she let him down, also numerous sexual phone calls to others as well. I had suspicions he was on this site so I registered and he messaged me !!! With a picture of himself. He works all around uk and stays in hotels.
I am heartbroken. He admitted it was going on for 2 years. He admitted those things as there were verifications. I have no idea of the real extent and quantity of his dirty antics.
I found out at a horrible time when my father is seriously ill. It's been a horrendous month.
When I found out he cried, said he was ashamed, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life, every day proving how much he loves me.
I'm weak and all that's going on with my dad felt I have given him another chance. He has taken time off work but has to go back tomorrow. Iv been so wrapped up In my dad's illness the last couple of weeks and having my partner by my side 24-7 has made his betrayal a tiny bit more bearable as I have been concentrating more on my dad. But he leaving to work tomorrow and all those horrible visions (Iv seen pics of the women he slept with & tried to sleep with ) in my head have all come back 10 fold. Feel as bad as I did when I 1 st found out !!

I find it hard to talk to him so I text him how I was feeling although he was just in another room tonight and he replied with what I wanted to hear, but I find it so hard him going away.
It's a nightmare. He can't finish his job as our finances couldn't cope. He wouldn't earn that in a job in this area.
I have come to bed now and he is snoring at the side of me !! It's him that screwed around but I feel it's me that's got all the torment and pain when he just sleeps !!!

We net when we were both in unhappy marriages. Mine was a violent 1. So he has has history of betrayel before. I wasn't the 1st in his previous marriage too. Before me he had slept with another person.

I love him too much to let this go. I feel insecure. I'm 47 too old to start again. Don't want to be single !! My dad is so ill, need support there as well. My life is a mess. Can't cope.


Dday 19th feb 2014
P on swinging site.
Trying to R. still love the SOB.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Wales
Daddo
♂ Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. just so sorry.

I'm glad you found your way here - you will get lots of support and good advice.

A little advice to start - you are way too early in this to plan for reconciliation - or to know if you will love him, want him a week from now - never-mind the rest of your life.

We all go through this stage of desperately wanting back what we once had. So much of our lives, our identities our sense of self is build into our relationships. When it goes wrong, it feels like part of our souls are being amputated.

You need a quiet 6 month period to heal before you can start to know what you want. Get him to agree to tell you everything, to make his life an open book. Over time, you may start to trust him again - but trust has to be earned and it takes a long time.

Good luck

It will get better - just get through this one day at a time.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2468 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 47 too old to start again. Don't want to be single !!

Sure you can... Ignore your feelings and take some action with courage.

It's been 1 month

Expect this is going to take a long time. Perhaps months and months. Feelings just don't go away. But it is really about how you decide to handle yourself.

Thoughts come before feelings. So work everyday a little on some good thoughts. It can be in many ways. Take some time for YOU. It can be in many ways. A new hobby, learning about change, you pick the subject and just do it.

I think you need to realize your partner has some real issues. First, if you are not married then they are not really commited. Obvioulsy, that is not what makes you feel good. So change. If your partner is not choosing to behave in ways to really focus on you, then change, don't enable.

You have years and years of good ahead of you. You make is so.. life is so beautiful.. this can be only brief point of unhappiness and discomfort. Temporary.. so make it so.

Heck, people pick bad mates. That is just a fact. Perhaps start focusing on empowering yourself and self discovery of why you tried to rescue a person in this new relationship. Say, OK, I made a mistake.. Heck, we all do. I will learn something from this about me. How I can change and be far stronger.

And yes, I will be strong for my father. He needs you strong. Show him who you really are under all this hurt... The real you.

This is what I want you to do. In the morning, you get up and say, "Hey, I am going to do one good thing that will make ME feel good because I love myself." then do it.. pick a flower and go smell it. Take a picture.. compliment a stranger.. rub your dads hands and tell him how much value you have in him and thank him. Buy someone a cup of coffee behind you... Those kinds of things.

And before you know it.. your strenght will come back to you. This will only be temporary pain.

And be wise.. If your partner is not being the most transparent, loving, caring, giving.. Then work toward finding someone who will or decide to be happy on your own.

Peace be with you.


Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please find an IC immediately if you can to help cope with the betrayal and your illness, and perhaps older patterns in what you have been willing to accept given the abuse in your previous marriage. He may say he's ashamed...but ashamed is actually not a healthy reaction. People who feel shame are paralyzed, they justify their behavior instead of trying to change it. A women's shelter or church are two options if you feel your counseling options are limited by your budget.

I know you love him. But do you love yourself more? I hope so. Trust us, a life as a fabulous single person (yes, that can be you!) is far better than a life where you know that your husband is sleeping with whoever he wants to. And whatever his promises are about changing are empty words right now.

Sending you peace and strength.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It probably doesn't feel like it, but you are still a young woman. Don't let your age trap you. If you don't seek happiness now, how old will you be when you do seek it? 50? 53? 55? 60? 90? Life is too precious to live in pain and fear. This is your life, your one go-around. Never waste a moment of it that you can.

Right now the only obligation that you have is to yourself and to your dad. Spend time with him and love him. You, and he, need to be your only priorities. Other than spending time with your dad, you really don't have to make a decision about anything right now. Let this be YOUR time to figure out what YOU need and want to do. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4810 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
SeekingPeace84
♀ Member
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your pain, Hurtgmw! I hate how you are being treated. Have you gotten in to see a therapist or counselor? The stress alone of being a caretaker to someone who is ill is cause enough to seek counseling, but add in what you are dealing with and it's just too overwhelming. I would strongly encourage you talk to someone. You don't have to do this alone, it might take some work and creativity, but you'll find someone you can trust to confide in.

Best of luck to you and big hugs (((Hurtgmw)))

~Charity


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 6

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