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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Me Again. Found Definitive Evidence.
selfrespect911
♀ Member
Member # 42746
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found my WH's OTHER secret twitter account. And his secret account on another social forum that he uses to talk to OW.

His NC was a lie from the beginning (a month ago). He never went NC, as I confirmed. I know they're not sleeping together at least. But he is still "I love her, she is my everything". Found him saying a lot of the same sweet-nothings he told me not a few months ago. I almost want to ask her, What makes you think he's in any way certain about you? Not 5 months ago, *I* was his everything. Now you are?? He clearly doesn't have a CLUE what's going on in his head.

I also notice how what they're sharing back and forth on this forum is similar to the beginning of my relationship with WH. Similar types of comments, etc. Then as soon as we got married and started our life together, living together, etc, he flipped out and went looking for the 'innocence' and 'ease' of that first lust. It's the lust he's after and caught up in.

I really wish I could find out what would happen if I just let them to it. If I could give them full permission to just be together! Watch him waffle and freak out over having to be in a real life relationship! How scary for him, lol.

EDIT: Oh, I haven't revealed my newfound resources! I'm going to keep it secret.

[This message edited by selfrespect911 at 5:18 PM, March 31st (Monday)]


BS 26
WH 32
Nov-?? A with his Ex

EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.

9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.


Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're a pretty smart gal to have already figured out he's addicted to the early "lust" phase of love. There's nothing special about her; she's just the flavor of the month and when she's not new then he'll move on to the next flavor.

I saw the same similarity between our early days and my H's EA's early days and took some comfort in the fact we progressed to the next stage and he didn't want to lose what we currently have. I'm sure your husband doesn't want to lose the more mature love you share either but he's just too immature to grow up and stop reaching for every cookie in the jar.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
selfrespect911
♀ Member
Member # 42746
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure your husband doesn't want to lose the more mature love you share either but he's just too immature to grow up and stop reaching for every cookie in the jar.

Oh I love that. He is such a cake eater. He just came home and he cried and cried, making all these excuses as to why he won't just talk to me (he's been avoiding me and ignoring me for a week). He hides behind his stupid panic attacks. And luckily, I had just read one of his tweets - one saying the SAME THING he said about me not months ago, only saying it about her, and I just kept replaying that in my head while I listened to him whine like a baby about his poor problems. I just stared at him. I said I'm done telling you how I feel or why I feel a certain way. I'm going to just listen to what you have to say and not response. I added sarcastically, because clearly you're the only one suffering right now. He made excuses for why he doesn't talk to me (because I'm confrontational and it 'upsets' him - boo hop!).

I ended our conversation by making him look me in the eyes and I said calmly, "WH... I am NOT the villain. Stop trying to make me out to be one."
I let him cry and stew over that for a minute or so in silence while I just stared him down. Finally he said, "Okay." And I let him leave my room.

In the back of my head I just kept thinking, Go ahead. Play out your fantasy. She's still married (very recently separated) and playing out a fantasy as well. I can't wait until it has to see the light of day.

Neither know what love is. They're thriving on the lust of the affair, and unfortunately affairs are good at dragging that lust and 'forbidden' feeling along. So I'm trying to figure out how to let him have her, but not me. Without me having to leave (since I can't).


BS 26
WH 32
Nov-?? A with his Ex

EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.

9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.


Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im really confused.

You know he is cheating with multiple women.

And he knows you know...but you're not going to tell him you know?

And you're going to let OW have him...but you're not going to leave?


Honey...what is your plan? Im really concerned that you are being so careful to not hurt him (because he cant's handle it...poor muffin )...that you are going to get very, very hurt by this man. What he is doing/has done is horrible. Staying in a situation where there is ongoing abuse..and he IS absolutely abusing you...is so very unhealthy for you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7428 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
selfrespect911
♀ Member
Member # 42746
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just the one woman! Haha.

I'm letting him feed me lies, meanwhile he is self destructing by lying to his family. Who are freaking out as we speak
And that's blowing his affair bubble WIIIDE open.

Don't worry, I've spent the past week making it very clear he can't keep taking advantage of me. I'm holding my own rather well for now. And letting his own family chastise him. I let him know through my ACTIONS I won't be dealing with his shit, but in my words I'm calm and aloof. Haha.


BS 26
WH 32
Nov-?? A with his Ex

EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.

9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.


Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
SeekingPeace84
♀ Member
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

selfrespect911,

Just wanted to say that you rock! Keep taking care of yourself and showing him that you deserve SO much better than him. Big hugs to you!

~Charity


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
selfrespect911
♀ Member
Member # 42746
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! It's a struggle every minute, hour, day. But it's all about finding those few mantras to repeat in weak moments.

Luckily for me, he does a good job of reminding me he's a dickhead so it makes it easier to stay strong, especially in my 180!

My life is an actual soap opera!

He's going to wake up tomorrow to the shitstorm he created tonight... And he knows I'm done cleaning up his messes or 'tiptoeing' around his 'fragile' feelings! Idiot...

[This message edited by selfrespect911 at 7:09 PM, March 31st (Monday)]


BS 26
WH 32
Nov-?? A with his Ex

EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.

9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.


Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((( HUGS ))))))))

YOU ROCK !!!!!!!...........put those boots on girl.........BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING


Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are dealing with a child, not your husband.

Are you planning on staying with him? Just curious, are there any consequences out there or do you just do a 180 every time he contacts his girlfriend.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK now that you have settled that little mystery. What are you going to do next ? I ask this not to be mean, but because how you proceed from here will be a very critical moment in your life. Action begets action. KWIM ?


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5658 | Registered: Nov 2007
selfrespect911
♀ Member
Member # 42746
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Well, I'm doing to 180 for me. Trying really hard to detach from him, like he has from me. I've been doing it since last Wednesday, not just whenever I catch him with his girlfriend. I can tell he has noticed my change in attitude. However he spent most of the week avoiding me. Did make one comment when he was telling me something, stopped and said, "Wait, do you even want to know?" I just said, "I'll listen to whatever you choose to tell me."

We have until September before we can even start divorce. So these months are going to be absolutely critical. However, I've mentioned before, we can't just get divorced because I'm here on a probationary visa and I don't have anything to go back to. My life is HERE, with or without him. And he knows this and doesn't want to take that away from me. So threatening D isn't an option, which is why I am struggling to think of other 'consequences' for his actions.

I'm in the process of setting up an appointment with a solicitor to know my rights, should it come to that, but as I said, I am not going to let him ruin my future in EVERY way.

Right now, I'm staying in our home, in separate rooms. And will have to remain here.

Last night, after he got home, his whole family caught him in a HUGE lie and so now his mom has finally stopped believing him, his dad is through with him until further notice, and his sister is not falling for lies or letting him continue to lie to everyone.
Of course, he's still maintaing he hasn't seen OW, but I have proof they were definitely talking anyway, so he's still lying to himself and everyone.

That was one of my big consequences in my holster - keeping his family informed, because he was always very close with them and now that he's seeing how his own lying (and not just me snitching!) is destroying him, I'm simultaneously Not the Bad Guy while still being the reason the caught his lie in the first place.

I have his "secret" accounts now. I've screen capped everything. He doesn't know I know of them, so they're not deleted yet. I just hope they both keep updating so I can continue to catch their lies.

He told his sister today that he knows I've not ever done anything wrong, I don't deserve this, and that I am an 'amazing woman' and he recognises he needs to start treating me better, etc etc. But he's still refuses to admit OW is part of his life.

I told his family that a week ago (starting the 180), I stopped confronting him about her, I stopped accusing him. I no longer bring her up in conversation. If we talk (a talk HE has to initiate) I avoid telling him my thoughts or feelings (because he doesn't give a shit), I don't argue with him, I remain calm. If he talks, I listen and keep my mouth shut. I know it's all lies anyway, but it's still how he thinks he's feeling at the moment. I merely listen and store it away to consider. He doesn't want to hear or talk about OW because he just defends her so we don't mention her. Right now, we're focused on learning how to life amicably.

I'm going to let his mom and sister be the ones to constantly berate him about OW.

Last night, at the end of our conversation (that he spent most of his time cowardly sobbing through) I made him look me in the eyes as I said, "I am not the villain. Stop making me out to be one." He looked away and cried for another minute before saying "Okay."


If anyone has advice on actions or consequences I could take/give, with consideration to my unique situation, in the next week (literally taking it a WEEK at a time!) that'd be great


BS 26
WH 32
Nov-?? A with his Ex

EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.

9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.


Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering, how did you find his secret social accounts?


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 498 | Registered: Jan 2014
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry if you've mentioned it, but are you employed?

I get that you have to stay married and can't threaten divorce. But if you have a job, then you have some independence. It's a start in the right direction. If he decides he no longer wants to be married...what will you do? That is a very real possibility here.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7428 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your situation better now. It's a tough one alright, but it sounds like you are clear headed and have a goal.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
selfrespect911
♀ Member
Member # 42746
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Basically she keeps bragging on social media in 'vague' ways but knows I'm reading so gives enough away. My best friend and I are 'internet whisperers' as we call ourselves and very good at finding information on the internet. So one clue led to another and bob's your uncle. They're still stupid enough to not protect any of their accounts

I am recently employed! I only moved to this city in the past few months so it was rough going, but finally found a job in January. I'm just saving my money and doing things I want to do (like taking day trips and going to the gym). I'm making tons of new friends who are all incredibly supportive and friendly. It's turning out to be a great life in this city despite his efforts at destroying me emotionally

confused, if he wants a divorce then fine. One reason why I'm seeking out a solicitor right now, to know my rights. The good thing is, he makes the money, has a mortgage, car, etc - I have nothing, and have evidence (from our Visa papers) in writing that he said he was prepared to carry me financially. I'm automatically entitled to half of it. So I'd be well shocked if he went that route anytime soon! I have all the evidence to take him the cleaners as they say.
But again, I'm getting legal advice. I have quite a few back up plans - other countries to move to if worst comes to worse.

A lot has happened in a month - in a week! A lot more can happen in five months. So I'm strapped in, ready for the ride.


BS 26
WH 32
Nov-?? A with his Ex

EA DDay: 31 Jan, I moved to in-laws
PA DDAY: 23 Feb
DDay 3: 13 May. Back in A.

9 Mar: I moved back. A went underground.
9 Apr: He moved into parents.
14 Apr: Me NC with WH.


Posts: 148 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 15

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