I had been in therapy prior to confession and had made major changes in my life to try to "fix" things without coming clean. I never thought I would confess but it became clear that it was the fair and right thing to do. DH knew about the therapy and never asked much since I have serious issues with my FOO. I was also heavily involved in church during this time and experienced a tremendous shift in my faith (which had a lot to do with my confession). In the months prior to confession Dh remarked that he had seen a huge change in me for the better.
Dh has decided he wants to reconcile even though my affair was horrific and most would say it is unforgivable. He believes I am keeping NC and believes I am truly remorseful. He believes that I've spent the last year trying to work on myself and end the affair. He believes that my biggest concern right now is HIS healing. We are in church, therapy and have a small circle of Christian friends who know and support our reconciliation (some who have survived infidelity themselves). We are praying over each other and have many others praying for us. We seem to be in a good place- getting along, talking, being intimate, laughing, etc. Of course there is still crying (both of us) and the occasional angry outburst (him) but overall we are doing well as a couple.
My fear is that it's too much, too fast. Is this too good to be true? Is he trying to rugsweep because he's in denial and just wants his life back? He should be angrier, he should be making things more difficult. Will he wake up in 6 months and decide he can't handle it? I would love advice and to hear experiences from both sides. I have smashed him into a million pieces and I'm desperate to make it right.
I would consider myself in a "too good to be real" R; however, I am over a year in. Your BH is very new to this and I would suspect that once it really sinks in his feelings will fluctuation. They may be like mine and just be little fluctuations or he could do a complete 180. The important thing is that you continue to be there and support him no matter what.
My fWH and I had a basically drama-free R after 5 false Rs and like you I questioned whether or not I was doing this whole R thing right. Members that have been here a lot longer than I told me that everyone's R is different and that as long as my fWH was doing what I needed him to do than our R was right for us. So, you need to do what your BH needs and be prepared when and if he 'fluctuates'.
It might be that at some point he will falter and need to express some intense anger or feel the need to be alone for a time to process his own feelings. Like Mack9512 said, you will just have to be prepared to give him that time and space should it happen.
We are 5 years into R. My spouse has been a model former wayward and has done everything right (still does every single day) and it has at times been so good that I wondered if it was too good to be true and at times so bad I wondered if we'd make it another day. It cycles and you need to be prepared to be blindisded by the cycles and how fast they can come on (even years out). He may want his life to go back to the way it was, but at some point he will have to accept, it never will be the same again.
The best thing you can do is focus on what the hell made you do it and how can you make sure it doesn't happen again. Be transparent, be humble (everyday he stays is a gift), do not get defensive(even if he asks the same questions 50,000 times and if they pop out of nowhere, maintain iron clad boundaries (ask him to define what his ideal boundaries for you are)...they may need to be adjusted as he moved through the process.
Enjoy the good days and enjoy each other when you can. It is possible to R. I wish I knew what the magic sauce was that makes it work for some and not work for others...but I don't. Just strap in and hang on, it is going to be a bumpy ride.
Are you talking to your BH about the affair? Is he asking questions?
The anger will come. When it does, please try not to become defensive. Try to understand he needs to get his anger out, though it hurts you. try not to deflect. Apologize very specifically. Be patient.
We say it takes about 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. I think most SI veterans will say that's a fairly accurate time line.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
He may change his mind about the details. If he does..no more TT. Be honest. Lying about anything at this point could be the end of his wanting to try. Write a timeline anyway. Put it up. That way when he is ready, it has already been done. Add to it as you remember things.
Is he on SI? It sounds like he really needs someone to talk to. Maybe you could suggest he post in the JFO forum?
He has a couple of friends to talk to and is in IC. I don't know how much he's opening up at this point. He is not on SI but I'll suggest it.
Right now, your H is, as others have said, in shock. In a month or 2 or 3, he'll get out of shock and really begin to feel the pain. If that doesn't happen, he's probably stuffing his feelings, and that should be addressed - it's eminently addressable, if he does the work.
It's possible that he'll go for forgiveness too quickly, because he wants to avoid the grief, rage, and fear your A has brought to him. Lots of us R without forgiving (I know that sounds strange, but it's true), but I don't think anyone can R without processing the pain. Given your faith, forgiveness probably will come - but it probably shouldn't come until your H is sure you've repented, and it takes a lot of time to rebuild trust, especially with a(n) LTA.
If you keep doing things that show you're trustworthy, trust and forgiveness will come - it's just a slow process. The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years from the last hurt. (You write your H believes you're NC, etc. - I'm assuming you also mean that you are, in fact, maintaining NC, being honest, staying far away from TT, etc., so D-Day is the true date of last hurt.
Bottom line: I think your R seems too good to be true because it's too early for the real pain and issues to make themselves known - so a lot of pain is probably in your future.
But you're doing the right things. Stay focused on that, be optimistic, and don't worry about the eventual outcome right now - doing the right thing is the best way to ensure the right outcome. If you stay open, honest, and loving with each other, when the storm hits, you'll be able to handle it.
I think you're making the right choice in telling your H you'll answer his questions when he asks - that's when the answers will mean something to him. I think you'd help your R if you ask him from time to time what support he's looking for from you. Some of this is '5 love languages' stuff (search on that), but some of it is timing. Let him tell you what he needs, since you're probably not a mind reader.
[This message edited by sisoon at 5:53 PM, March 31st (Monday)]
Your R sounds a little like mine at the beginning... We even went ahead with our plans to start a family.... And then the 1 year hit. It has been a bumpy year 2. I have no idea if we will end up reconciled at this point. I hope your BH handles it better than mine has.
Glad you are posting. You will need the support!!
Showing signs of true R. I'm hopeful
The WW formerly known as messedupchick