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Newest Member: utterlydone (44718)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Been wondering about self-esteem vs selfishness
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard choosing to have an affair is one of the most selfish decisions a spouse can make. I've also heard that low self-esteem is often a factor in affairs.

But, wouldn't selfishness go along with having excessive self-esteem? I mean, wouldn't having very high self esteem correspond to a sense of entitlement and selfishness more than low self esteem?

Or is self-esteem more of a double edged sword? Best to have a reasonable amount of self-esteem, somewhere in the middle, cuz if it gets too far off in either direction, it could be a contributing factor toward infidelity?



Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 226 | Registered: Mar 2013
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, wouldn't selfishness go along with having excessive self-esteem? I mean, wouldn't having very high self esteem correspond to a sense of entitlement and selfishness more than low self esteem?

I always thought fWH was excessively humble. I thought this was why he didn't apply for jobs. Bc he felt unworthy. I thought this was why he had trouble with me. The unworthy thing again.

He has since told me that he was completely self-absorbed. That he thought he was right about everything. That he thought he knew it all.

Having said that, I don't think that this was true self-esteem. I think it was compensating for a lack of such.

People with self-esteem make healthy choices. So, they do not cheat. They solve their problems in a healthy manner.

Cheating is not healthy.

A person with self-esteem does not need to be selfish. They know they are ok and do not need to validate that with unhealthy behaviors.

So yes, a selfish person has low self-esteem. Even though they might claim to be the greatest thing since sliced bread. If they KNEW it, they wouldn't have to PROVE it.

Hope this helps a little.

xo

hfm


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Self esteem is about having a healthy sense of self, not an overblown one. I think once you move into the healthy spectrum, you don't fall off the edge in to selfishness when you get too much-- in fact, it is likely the opposite.

Selfishness is having an excess focus on the self, usually due to low self-esteem. It is the ego controlling things, rather than operating from a place of authenticity.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1884 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 3

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