Maybe if I had been able to be the one to yell and scream and throw his butt out, I would feel better? Now I just feel like a loser and that he somehow won. How do I get over feeling like I am worthless and was thrown out?
Not sure how to suggest getting past the feelings, but one goal is coming to the realization that whatever the real reason he has for wanting out, it is about him, not you. His choice to cheat and lose his integrity has nothing to do with your worthiness. It's about him not knowing how to be in a real relationship. Relationships require work, and he chose not to do the work.
Your reaction to his revelation was what it was. Don't beat yourself up over it. That kind of betrayal is painful and we never know how we will respond until we are in the middle of it. That was your fight or flight response kicking in and you were in shock. We don't wake up expecting our world to be flipped upside down, so our reactions to it are just that...reactions.
The question now is what you do with the information you have? Paint your world in the colors that you want now that you have hold of the paintbrush.
I would suggest working on reframing this. He didn't leave you or throw you out, he tapped out of the marriage. You know who taps out? The weak. The ones who can't handle it. You were fighting for your marriage, and he wasn't up to the fight. So he threw in the white flag. That isn't a reflection on you, it's a reflection on his character. Weak. Flawed. Defeated.
When you are able to reframe things you will stop seeing yourself as someone who lacks value. Because honey? You've got it backwards.
[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 12:19 PM, March 31st (Monday)]
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
My exwh is still with the slunt OW and for a long, long time I felt used up, thrown away, worthless. Every once in a while I still get a little niggle of that feeling somewhere deep inside so I can tell you that it takes a lot of time and reflection to let those feelings go. They are natural.
The good news is that what I can also tell you is that, while I didn't see this in the beginning, I see clearly now that it really is all about him. This had pretty much nothing to do with me or my worth or my looks or my ability in bed or what have you. Nothing.
For reasons that we don't need to go into right now, I never realized when we were in the marriage that my exwh was so weak and pathetic and scared of himself. I was too busy taking care of everything, working full time, and raising kids when they came along. I never noticed his true self and that's partly because he didn't want me to. He walked around with a mask on for a lot of years. Once it dropped, boy oh boy did I see a completely different person.
Running away takes virtually no effort. It's the path of least resistance after they realize what they've done. Once they see that they just detonated a bomb on their spouse and kids, they have to run or else something worse will be made to happen - they will have to face themselves and the tremendous pain they've caused. And they will have to stand up and fix it. That's a tall order, particularly for someone who is a natural born weakling in the first place.
My ex exudes weakness in everything he does these days. From the outside looking in, I can now see that he's a weak "partner" to the OW - he lets her completely run the show. He's a very weak father - he never sticks up for our kids or shows much interest in them when they aren't physically with him. He was a very weak son - his mother was ill for quite a long time. We lived far away from her - when he would visit, he would sit with her for a couple of hours and then go drinking with his best friend for the rest of the time there. He's a weak employee - he does only what needs to be done to get by. He's hated his job for many years and has never once made a true effort to find an alternative.
I would bet that your ex is a lot like mine. You just don't see it yet. You will. Once you get outside the bubble and you start to truly detach, you can look at him with a more objective eye. That's when you will notice that he was floundering with you because he was trying to keep up with a person with integrity and a strong core. They can only do that for so long - then the choice comes - to run away or to really make some tough internal changes that we will demand. Once again, it's easier to take off the mask and find someone who will settle for much less.
Read and re-read NIK's post. It's all about him.
Maybe if I had been able to be the one to yell and scream and throw his butt out, I would feel better?
Sometimes I think, 'if it had happened this way...or that way....it would be better for me now'. Realistically, though? I think the sensation of being thrown away is not something that being able to vent steam over or throw him out first makes easier. Instead we just have to work steadily to contradict that feeling and to remember that while it's true we were discarded, that shows not our own lack of worth but their lack of worth.
The fact that they threw us away is just proof of how fucked up they are, because no one in their right mind would treat what we were offering with so much disregard.
You are secure in the knowledge that you did everyone you could for your marriage. You tried to save it, but one person can't do it alone. You can move forward with no regrets for your actions.
I know these are all very nice words, and that you know they are logically true, but your emotions will tell you different. Keep muscling through with the logic, and eventually the emotions will fall into line.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
I'm glad I was no longer of use to him - that fucker almost sucked me dry.