him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel
What did you do to overcome it?
Finally admit that you have no control over the choices another person makes. He did what he did because he wanted to. There was nothing you could do or say that would change his choices. Feeling like a failure is your choice. Nothing is making you feel that way. You have to consciously turn your thinking around.
Focus on your own choices. You can focus on "what if" or "if only" (which doesn't do anything but bring you down) or you can stand up for yourself and say "I did the very best that I could" and hold your head up high for you and your kids.
Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.
BUT... the heart says something else. I can't help FEELING that I should have done more, not sure what, but that I missed the one critical thing that could have produced a different outcome.
1. You don't have the kind of power it would take to change the outcome, because no matter what YOU did or didn't do, you can't control any one else's choices or actions. There's a big heaping helping of humility in accepting that logical fact on an emotional level. The fact that you know it? Will lead to your heart accepting it. Time is one factor (sorry, but it is). The other thing that helped me was acknowledging and CHALLENGING those feelings when they came up. Call yourself on your own BS. Give yourself a talking to. Do it a thousand times if need be. Your heart will get it.
2. Forgive yourself for NOT being able to control it. So many of us believe (on some level) that we SHOULD have been able to prevent it some how. It's a false belief, but if you are sticking on it, try granting yourself forgiveness for not being all powerful. Silly as that may seem. My counselor used to joke with me (to make a point) - "NIK, if ONLY you had picked up your cape and mask from the cleaners! This all could have been prevented!" She challenged how ridiculous my expectations of myself were, and I was able to internalize that and start rewriting some of my mental tapes. It takes some effort, but you can rewrite those tapes, too.
Big hugs, honey. ((((whiteflower))))
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
The other thing that helped me was acknowledging and CHALLENGING those feelings when they came up. Call yourself on your own BS. Give yourself a talking to. Do it a thousand times if need be. Your heart will get it.
^^^ What NIK said for sure. You can stop yourself mid-thought by saying "No, it's not true that I'm at fault. My spouse failed, not me."
I think the 'one critical thing' is a type of bargaining we do retroactively. Like if we could change it, the outcome would be different. But even if we could change that crucial thing...it would turn out not to be so crucial. It would turn out to not be enough. Because nothing was enough. And accepting that will help you realize it was out of your hands.
You don't judge other divorced people, do you? I imagine not. Remember that too. And give yourself the understanding you give to others. forgive yourself for being in a marriage that ended. Tell yourself it's okay, and doesn't mean you are a failure. Our heart is a lot nicer to others than to ourselves sometimes.
This is something my shrink is working on with me. It's like the whole "Fake it 'til you make it" thing. Let your logical brain keep shouting down your emotional brain. Eventually you'll notice your emotional brain is starting to be nicer to you. Build up some stock responses for when your emotional brain gets out of hand.
It does take a little time, but you'll feel like you're doing something about it.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous