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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I feel like it was all my fault.
whiteflower99
♀ Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know better, at least in my head, but how do I convince everything else? I know his affairs aren't my fault, at least they aren't about ME in the sense that he should have talked to me and expressed how he felt BEFORE cheating.
But I can't help feeling like a failure because my marriage failed. I KNOW on an intellectual level that it isn't my fault. I KNOW I gave him every opportunity to change. I KNOW I did everything humanly possible to save the marriage. I can walk away with that.
BUT... the heart says something else. I can't help FEELING that I should have done more, not sure what, but that I missed the one critical thing that could have produced a different outcome.
Has anyone else had experience with this? What did you do to overcome it?
Please, God, let it not be just the dreaded "TIME" answer...
There HAS to be something I can do actively to recover besides just sit and hurt and cry and go through the process.
My moods are so erratic I am frightening my children I think.
Please help!


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1711 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What did you do to overcome it?

Finally admit that you have no control over the choices another person makes. He did what he did because he wanted to. There was nothing you could do or say that would change his choices. Feeling like a failure is your choice. Nothing is making you feel that way. You have to consciously turn your thinking around.

Focus on your own choices. You can focus on "what if" or "if only" (which doesn't do anything but bring you down) or you can stand up for yourself and say "I did the very best that I could" and hold your head up high for you and your kids.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13746 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUT... the heart says something else. I can't help FEELING that I should have done more, not sure what, but that I missed the one critical thing that could have produced a different outcome.
Oh, honey. This is a really common sticking point. A couple of things for you to chew on:

1. You don't have the kind of power it would take to change the outcome, because no matter what YOU did or didn't do, you can't control any one else's choices or actions. There's a big heaping helping of humility in accepting that logical fact on an emotional level. The fact that you know it? Will lead to your heart accepting it. Time is one factor (sorry, but it is). The other thing that helped me was acknowledging and CHALLENGING those feelings when they came up. Call yourself on your own BS. Give yourself a talking to. Do it a thousand times if need be. Your heart will get it.

2. Forgive yourself for NOT being able to control it. So many of us believe (on some level) that we SHOULD have been able to prevent it some how. It's a false belief, but if you are sticking on it, try granting yourself forgiveness for not being all powerful. Silly as that may seem. My counselor used to joke with me (to make a point) - "NIK, if ONLY you had picked up your cape and mask from the cleaners! This all could have been prevented!" She challenged how ridiculous my expectations of myself were, and I was able to internalize that and start rewriting some of my mental tapes. It takes some effort, but you can rewrite those tapes, too.

Big hugs, honey. ((((whiteflower))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25261 | Registered: Aug 2011
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other thing that helped me was acknowledging and CHALLENGING those feelings when they came up. Call yourself on your own BS. Give yourself a talking to. Do it a thousand times if need be. Your heart will get it.

^^^ What NIK said for sure. You can stop yourself mid-thought by saying "No, it's not true that I'm at fault. My spouse failed, not me."

I think the 'one critical thing' is a type of bargaining we do retroactively. Like if we could change it, the outcome would be different. But even if we could change that crucial thing...it would turn out not to be so crucial. It would turn out to not be enough. Because nothing was enough. And accepting that will help you realize it was out of your hands.

You don't judge other divorced people, do you? I imagine not. Remember that too. And give yourself the understanding you give to others. forgive yourself for being in a marriage that ended. Tell yourself it's okay, and doesn't mean you are a failure. Our heart is a lot nicer to others than to ourselves sometimes.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Starzjourney
♀ Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggled with this for a very long time and am fairly new to overcoming the thoughts...I started reading this book called "Living and Loving after Betrayal" by Steve Stosny...One of the first chapters deals with "values"...I have been reminding myself that I could not "love" him into valuing honesty, commitment, trust, loyalty, etc...

Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The logical and emotional brains tell us VERY different things. We can KNOW something to be true, but our emotional brain can just sneak up behind us and convince us we're the arsehole - without us even knowing.

This is something my shrink is working on with me. It's like the whole "Fake it 'til you make it" thing. Let your logical brain keep shouting down your emotional brain. Eventually you'll notice your emotional brain is starting to be nicer to you. Build up some stock responses for when your emotional brain gets out of hand.

It does take a little time, but you'll feel like you're doing something about it.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1894 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 6

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