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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I guess I was expecting miracles
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has been kind of distant lately, acting mopey and not talking to me much and it's bothering me immensely. I feel like when I took him back he would have made an effort to be the husband he's never been to me, try to win be back I guess. Considering he treated me like crap for well over a year I was hoping he'd be more open, romantic, communicative, and just make an honest effort to change, he hasn't. He's the same man he was minus the addiction behaviors and I hate it. I feel so lonely still and am regretting my decision for him to move back home. I also broached the discussion of him taking a polygraph, since I feel like there's more I don't know and when I ask important questions I get a lot of "I don't know"s. He was a little weird about it too. Am I expecting too much? He hurt me and our family so tremendously is it too much to expect him to bend over backwards to be the man I want him to be?


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 463 | Registered: Nov 2013
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, Jls0320. Our DDays coincide, so I have a good idea of where you are. It's so defeating to feel like your pain isn't worth their time to help heal in the relationship. It sounds like he's depressed and struggling to take ownership of how his actions hurt you. There are so many different reasons for why this is happening. There may be more information, it may be that he is struggling with feeling so much shame and guilt that he can't see beyond himself, it may be that he's still justifying his actions by blaming problems in the relationship for them.

Gently, one of the things I learned on here that proved true for me is that if your gut is telling you there is more, then there usually is. At one point in my story, the "more" was WS's ability to admit that she probably did more than she was able to remember and revealing the ways she probably interacted knowing the space she was in at the time. Before that she insisted that even though she didn't remember, she didn't initiate or fully engage in the sexual discussions she had with her AP. It was difficult to hear, but a relief.

You are not expecting too much, but you might be expecting too much of him right now. If what you expect is what you need to heal and he's not willing or able to do it, then you have some difficult decision to make. How long are you willing to wait for him to "get it?" In order to R we need to recognize, express and expect what we need to stay in the relationship. He needs to know what your deal breakers are, and truly know that you will hold him accountable. If he doesn't change what will you do?

You mentioned that he's been distant "lately." What was he like before then? How long has it been?


WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 733 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Jls0320
♀ Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been distant for over a year which is when he started the cheating, I am pretty sure a lot of the problem is he's heading back into denial that he's not a sex addict. He is in counseling but has been ignoring her emails, not attending meetings, or doing any of his homework. Feels like he's more annoyed by it all now, complains about how time consuming it all is. I feel like I'm being blamed now, shouldn't our 2 babies and I be worth it? He has stopped wanting to be physical too, which is odd for him and that's how he shows his affection, gotta love sex addicts. I know he's stopped the behaviors so I don't think hats the problem


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 463 | Registered: Nov 2013
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you aren't getting what you need from him to heal in the relationship. When that happened to me I insisted on separating and did the 180. It was very empowering for me, as I accepted the reality that I would heal myself in or out of the relationship. The time apart ultimately made her realize what she wanted and gave her time to figure out her own issues enough to meet my needs to R. It was extremely painful and it doesn't always end together. Do you know what you need from him to R? Is he aware of those needs? Do you know what you will do if he can't meet them? There is a thread about "before you say R" on here. I suggest reading that and information about the 180 in the healing library. I wish for you strength and some relief.


WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 733 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 4

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