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Newest Member: What2do2014 (44300)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: invite stbx to ds/dd's bday?
puzzlepieces
♀ Member
Member # 37829
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been off the boards for a while. Was good for me to get away for a while. But I checked in recently and read some posts about meeting the OW and the kids spending time with the OW. (A tense issues for me.) And realized I still have so much I can learn from here. I was unable to hide my shock and anger and dislike when I learned my STBx had introduced the kids to OW after agreeing we would wait until D. I should have handled it better.

Anyway... my DS & DD's birthday is coming up soon. Last year I didn't even think to invite my STBx. He was pissed. This year I'm considering it - wondering if it is best for the kids. It will be awkward - my friends (many former friends of his) and my family will be there - and they think he's scum. But there will also be people there (parents of kids we know) that don't know any of the history.

Is it best for my kids to have him there? Or is it a terrible idea? And can I reasonably specify that the OW is not welcome.


Me = BS, 38
WH, 39
2 kids under 4
D-Day1: 11/17/12
False R: 1/2013 - 3/2013
D-Day2: 3/2/13 - back with same OW; admits to ONS 3 years prior (different OW)
3/13 - file for D
D-Day3: 7/16/2013 - Learn of 3rd PA

Healing by the day


Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't.
You (and your little ones) have to establish a new normal- and that means 2 parties for each birthday, etc.

Your STBX doesn't get to have a family when it is convenient. Separate parties is another one of those pesky little consequences he gets pissed off about.


Me - 42
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 6077 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gotta agree. If he wants a party for the kids, then he throws one and he invites whomever he pleases.

Doesn't make sense to me that you throw a party and he gets miffed about not being invited...bet he wasn't miffed about not contributing.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4554 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DD15 has her sweet 16 coming up in just over a month. My plan for now is that STBXWH is invited- and his family but OW is by no means invited. It is DD15 's day. If he can't come without OW, then he can do something another time with DD15.

So.... Think of all the times you will need to come together for the kids (the week after the birthday we have DS22 college graduation). Birthdays may be a good start and if you are hosting, you can decide who is invited and who is not. Hopefully your stbx will put the kids before himself and honor the no OW request.


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think of all the times you will need to come together for the kids

IMHO, these occasions are very rare and (for my family) something that we consider a "once in a lifetime" type event.
Birthday parties happen every year.
Your kids will only graduate from high school once, so yes, I might swallow my personal revulsion and let XWH come to a party I host, but the OW is not to be anywhere around.


Me - 42
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 6077 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I personally believe that Its best for the kids to see that you two can both be there for them. Parties and special events shouldn't be stressful for them. Idk how old they are, but I would ask their opinion. If the kids want him there then everyone should be adults for a few hours. Even if he is scum, he is their father and they need to figure it out for themselves. Also, you don't want them thinking that you are keeping him away from them. I say be the bigger person for your kids. They will appreciate it later on.

Posts: 245 | Registered: Sep 2012
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't make sense to me that you throw a party and he gets miffed about not being invited...bet he wasn't miffed about not contributing.

he wants a family when its convenient.

I would not invite him, during my separation and divorcing of H, I did not invite him to DD's bday party.

it sounds like he wants you to cater to him.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 8:25 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Jan 2010
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. Don't. It can lead to the kids being confused or worse, missing him being in the house.

Plus the stress you will be under and the underlying tenseness of all the guests with him being there won't be worth it.

Let him have his own thing with the kids.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids have told me repeatedly that they actually like the fact that they get to celebrate holidays & birthdays twice. It's pretty universal, what kid wouldn't like to have TWO parties or celebrations? Two cakes?

Your STBX can do his own thing with the kids. That's what happens when you cheat & get divorced.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9307 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly I can see positives and negatives to both options.

XWW was at the party that I threw for DD this year.

It was okay. The simplest way to sum it up is that it sucked for me, but it was good for my daughter.

Can't really speak to what it would have been like if we had done separate parties. Never tried it.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 207 | Registered: May 2013
puzzlepieces
♀ Member
Member # 37829
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the input. It makes me feel so much better that there are varied opinions about this.

I think my DS (4) would be very happy if his dad was there. But it could also be confusing. My DS still talks about how he wishes we could all live together as a family and broke down sobbing on Saturday after his second overnight.(Yes, it took my STBx 1+ year to get an apt where the kids could have an overnight bc he chose to hang out with OW.)

But I'm not sure about the precedent it would set. And it certainly would make it more stressful. There wouldn't be any fights - my STBx would be charming and act like dad of the year. He's very good at acting.


Me = BS, 38
WH, 39
2 kids under 4
D-Day1: 11/17/12
False R: 1/2013 - 3/2013
D-Day2: 3/2/13 - back with same OW; admits to ONS 3 years prior (different OW)
3/13 - file for D
D-Day3: 7/16/2013 - Learn of 3rd PA

Healing by the day


Posts: 53 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lobo
♀ New Member
Member # 42456
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it would make the children's birthday special to have their dad share the day, I would invite him. There's so much pain involved in breakups and children are always caught in the crossfire. I think if we can give them some happiness, we should.


Imagine a world where the words you speak appear on your skin. Would you be more careful of what you say?

Posts: 32 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This exactly.
My kids have told me repeatedly that they actually like the fact that they get to celebrate holidays & birthdays twice. It's pretty universal, what kid wouldn't like to have TWO parties or celebrations? Two cakes?

Unless it is a huge, once in a lifetime, blow-out bash (first communion, graduation, wedding), there is no reason to have STBX there. Especially if is will cause confusion.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
CheshCat
♀ Member
Member # 27546
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no way on earth my child's bday becomes a battleground.

So, nope!
My ex is never invited.
Not ever.

Inviting my ex would turn their bday to being about their parents, instead of about them. It would be a horrible, awful, unfair thing to do to them. So they have more than 1 party.

Now... I hear (a lot) a bunch of mumbo-jumbo-generic advice (that is both catchy, and more laden with guilt than my grandparents Jewish-Catholic wedding -they actually compete, I bring popcorn) out and about IRL... That simply doesn't take into account that not everyone divorces a normal/sane/decent human being. Some of us divorce lunatics. Some of us divorce abusers. Some of us divorce addicts. Some of us divorce terrible, no good, very bad people.

I think it's AWESOME when 2 people divorce and are better friends / better parents / etc. now that they are divorced. I have several friends who are in that boat, and I'm super happy for them.

What is best for THEIR kids is the exact opposite of what is best for MY kids.

So, regardless of what all of us, do... Keep that in mind.
What's best for your kids.
Whatever that is.

And... That it may change as time goes by.

There is no "right" answer here.

Chesh

[This message edited by CheshCat at 2:04 AM, March 31st (Monday)]


"Another conversation killed awkwardly! Yes! Point to my side." - Chesh's Brother

Moi : BS MH 30mumble
Him : WS Abuse Adultery Addict Six-figure Sociopath = Aaass
... I picked a winner!
DDay - 2006 ad naseam
Divorced! 2013


Posts: 571 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: West Coast US
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have your own party that way you and your children can enjoy the day without the STBX.

Especially if your DS still holds hope with you two getting back together. The more separate things the better to reinforce this.

I have tried to invite my xwh to ds birthday, thought it was the best thing for DS to see his parents doing the right thing for DS. I emailed and invited him, DS asked him over the phone. He told ds he would think about it and no showed. He was too busy having a haircut apparently. DS was gutted.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^what Gaby said.

I've had my own birthday parties for the girls. He is no longer a part of our family. This is our new normal.

My family/friends and his also want to participate - having separate parties mean they can without the attendant tension.

OW will want to attend - or one of his future victims. I too will have an SO one day. I don't think it's fair to exclude either or both of them.

Now, there will be things that we'll have to share like big birthdays, graduation etc but that won't start for another decade or so. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

We are civil - we are not in a place where joint parties would be of benefit to anyone, including the kids.

Are you considering it because he was pissed? Too bad for him - this is what happens when you are a scumbag. Amazing how they spout 'for the kids' when it suits them. Then ignore that very philosophy when it suits them too.

There's nothing stopping him from having his own party - what he wants is for you to do all the work so he can just show up and ring it in as a parent. Sorry dude, that shit ended with the M.

I personally don't think it's healthy for the kids to see both parents faking it for long stretches of time. I can fake it for school events and short bursts here or there. But having him in my home or sullying this lovely little family and support system I'm nurturing? Hell.No.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5441 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
trustagain
♀ Member
Member # 16921
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never invited X to the boys B-day parties or any other event. He can have his own. He never came to them (kiddie parties) when we were married.

DS17 will graduate this year. I am not inviting him to his graduation party either. I have to admit I thought about it for a brief moment and then decided I don't want my family uncomfortable. Everyone will sit there with pretend smiles on their faces. X and I get along Ok and I like his wife (not OW), but I don't want to put my family through it honestly. X doesn't know any of DS17's friends or their parents so I also don't want to go through a bunch of introductions.

If your family doesn't like STBX then I would exclude him. He can make his own memories with the kids. He can take them out to dinner, have a party, etc.

This is your time now - enjoy it.

ETA: Ds17 is fine with his Dad not coming to the party. I did ask him if he wants him there and he said that maybe they (his Dad, SM and GM) can go out to dinner to celebrate.

[This message edited by trustagain at 9:32 AM, March 31st (Monday)]


WH - 48
BS (me) - 50
Son - 25
Son - 17
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Reconciling or at least trying. We have reconciled through the A, but he still doesn't get it when it comes to p

Posts: 4466 | Registered: Nov 2007
Oftencheatedon
♀ Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely unconditionally NO.

No reason to possible ruin their party. No kid will turn down having two parties so ex can have another if he wants to.

This is probably something that even the OW would probably agree with you on. How rare is that?

Parents should be able to be polite and civil to each other when it is absolutely mandatory that they be at the same event (graduation, wedding, etc) but it is the rare situation where the betrayed spouse, WS, and AP/now spouse can all get along and socialize together.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think long and hard about this. My advice is to act now as things will be going forward. Setting the precedent, as you mentioned.

Given how your DS is feeling right now, I'd really suggest NOT having STBX there. I think it will confuse DS even more. ((((hugs to the kiddos))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24436 | Registered: Aug 2011
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely no.

If he is so inclined, he can have his own party.

It's one thing if both parents decided that they tried, this marriage just isn't working out, and they parted on good terms, to be invited to joint parties.

When one person drops an atomic bomb on the other person and blows their world apart, leaving charred remains? Um, no, we're not passing you a slice of b-day cake.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3179 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
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