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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: We Kissed Last Night
Starzjourney
♀ Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Boy...gentle with the 2x4's and it wasn't STBX-reloaded...

There is this guy...similar situation as mine...we see each other a few times a week in a group setting due to an organization we are a part of...I met him shortly after moving here.

As I have gotten to know him I found myself attracted to him on a few different levels...I recognize these as "core values", many things that STBX reloaded is not. I have not acted on any of my thoughts and things have been very innocent....until recently.

Our conversations have taken on a different tone...turns out he is attracted to me as well and we have discussed this attraction...last night for the first time we spent a few hours talking live outside the group setting, when he left the evening culminated in a few soft kisses...the kind that "knocked my socks off"...

That said...he is still married, divorcing but still married...I am still married and will be for some time to come and I am not looking to repeat that anytime soon.

We both know we are ready to move forward in our individual lives...

I like him, he likes me...are we just as bad as our W's?


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh thank goodness I thought it was your STBX. Well, you are definitely not as bad as your WS's since the contract is already broken and it's just a matter of paperwork now. However, you are both coming out of traumatic relationships and may need more time to heal! It's hard for 2 broken people to create a healthy relationship. Maybe you can make an agreement to slow things down and maybe go back to "friendship" until at least your Ds are final?

Wouldn't ditch him entirely though. Good men seem to be rare!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 941 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
one2ndchance
♀ Member
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you posted this, you obviously aren't sure if YOU are comfortable with your actions, and I think that's what really matters.

Since you refer to your H as stbx, I'm assuming you've filed for D.

Obviously D legally ends a relationship, but my marriage was over on my last Dday which was nearly 2 years ago. I know I'm way beyond needing time to heal and I COULD be emotionally ready to have feelings for someone, but I personally choose not to. I prefer to wait until D is final. Those are just my scruples.

It's a bit of a gray area, so I think it comes down to your comfort level and how you view it from your own values and morals.


Me: BW 59
Him: STBXWH 61
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorcing

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he is still married, divorcing but still married...I am still married and will be for some time to come and I am not looking to repeat that anytime soon.
This, to me, conflicts with this:
We both know we are ready to move forward in our individual lives...

If you wont be divorcing for some time, your WS isn't a SOON-to-be-ex. If you're still living in the same household with your WS, bringing in a third party is going to be all kinds of insane.

If you're separated and headed for divorce, I don't necessarily think you need to be completely divorced before you start dating (depending on timing, etc), but you don't even have one foot out the door yet. Finish your old business before you start new business.



Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh thank goodness I thought it was your STBX

Me too. I thought WHAT?????

But whew!

Have you been in IC? There is no reason this has to progress quickly and there are lots of bad reasons why it might.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Griefstricken25
♀ Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I think it's a slippery slope and I'm of the belief that if you're not divorced, you're married. I think you two should step back, disentangle from your present spouses, and if he's truly a good guy, it will work out later. You may regret moving too soon into a new relationship, but you will likely never regret waiting and growing stronger as an individual.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2519 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Starzjourney
♀ Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, you are both coming out of traumatic relationships and may need more time to heal!

This was part of the convo we were having last night...along with proceeding at a snail's pace if we proceed at all.

Gaby-as far as my mind and heart goes...STBX is an ex, we will be separated as of 1 year in just a few weeks-I moved out of state 7 months ago...it's nothing more than a practicality at this point to remaining legally attached-health insurance ...do I still have very deep feelings for him, sure, I don't think you spend 19 years with someone and not retain some feelings, are they of the romantic kind...no way...there are days when I miss him, or what I thought we had anyway, that's just it...THOUGHT we had...we have been married, separated divorced, remarried, separated and I will divorce him again...I am done...to me he is a SOONtbx...as soon as I can get myself together financially enough to afford healthcare (currently TRICARE) and things are starting to look up in that area...I should be able to file within a few weeks after 1 year mandatory waiting period is up...I've had one foot out the door for awhile now...just been waiting on the other to catch up. D has been filed in his case...that has almost reached it's conclusion.

There is no reason this has to progress quickly and there are lots of bad reasons why it might.

Absolutely and 100% agree...we discussed this last night as well...The conflict for the both of us is in seeing ourselves the way we see our W's morally...we have both been moving forward and had not considered involving ourselves with anyone...as we (along with the others in the group we are a part of) have gotten to know each other as "friends" we find a lot in common...friendship is more important that what could be a train wreck and we both agree on that score.

The conflict for me exists no matter who it is and all because of a piece of paper that says I am legally married...I am ready to move forward, not necessarily in deeply, emotionally involving myself but certainly enjoying the company of someone of the opposite sex with whom there is a base attraction.

[This message edited by Starzjourney at 2:20 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first thought was- WHY???

Then I saw it wasn't STBXH.

This is just me, but I'm a stickler for things like this. Until I'm divorced I'm married and until then I'm not dating it even entertaining the idea of dating.

I've actually put in place a two year wAiting period for myself to heal, get my kids through high school and on their way to college etc before I consider dating. That's just my own plan as I know I have a lot of work to do in therapy. I'm not going to add unnecessary stuff to the mix.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

along with proceeding at a snail's pace if we proceed at all

Just have to add that this is one of those famous last words -- pretty much no one is able to keep it to a snail's pace and then people get hurt. And if you're not healed from the relationship that brought you here, the hurt from that first new relationship ending can be worse than you can imagine.

You're going to do what you want anyway, obviously; those of us chiming in are just trying to help because we've seen this so many times. But who knows -- perhaps this is just part of the process and in a few years you'll be here, counseling people to use you as a cautionary tale and heal more before embarking on a new relationship.

I don't mean to sound so negative about it; it's just almost predictable. I wish you the best of luck in healing and on your journey!!!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3363 | Registered: Dec 2011
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That said...he is still married, divorcing but still married...I am still married and will be for some time to come and I am not looking to repeat that anytime soon.
Whoo boy. There is a reason why we all say to give yourself time, and it's because it frequently ends up in disaster.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3352 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Starzjourney
♀ Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate all of the wise words and comments...all taken into consideration...

I posted because I have a piece of paper that says I am still married and kissing another guy conflicts with the reason I am here in the first place since that piece of paper was not a conflict for STBX reloaded.

Having given this some thought today, I am not like STBX or OW...I did not lie, I did not cheat, I did not gas light, manipulate or any of the other shitty things they did...and I do not need to feel guilty for kissing someone other than my STBX...he could care less anyway and I could care less what he thinks anymore.

You have all brought up some interesting points however...I do know myself pretty well and I feel as though I have healed to a degree of being able to appreciate my experience and taking care of myself rather than taking care of what could be a temporary "feeling"...

phmh-

the hurt from that first new relationship ending can be worse than you can imagine.

Personally speaking the hurt that came with remarriage to my STBX and having the original 17y marriage played out again in the short span of a year has had it's share of unimaginable pain...it is time for me to move past that relationship and all of the pain that came with it and start living again, it has been 5 very long years since this journey began, enough is enough at some point...does that mean last night's kiss is going to lead to a relationship...no, it actually lead us both to an acknowledgement that while we are attracted to each other deciding to proceed with anything further is exactly that, a decision and not determined by a few kisses. For now, we have decided not to go any further than we have already.

Thanks again everyone...crisis of conscious over.

[This message edited by Starzjourney at 9:26 PM, March 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hooray! I see no problem with this AT ALL. Once you've separated, the marriage is nothing but a piece of paper.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't subscribe to the notion that you are a WS unless you wait for D. It it is a personal choice but not one I would make.

Whether you are D or not is not important to me - where you are in your healing is. It sounds like you had a lovely kiss and you're not going to lose your head here.

Broken attracts broken. I am healing but not yet unbroken.

Be gentle with him too, OK? I unintentionally hurt some good guys by jumping in way too soon. And that was with me being very clear that FWB was all I was capable of. I still hurt them because it was way too soon.

Can I just say you gave me a heart attack - THANK FUCK it wasn't STBX!!


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5560 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Starzjourney
♀ Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once you've separated, the marriage is nothing but a piece of paper.

^^^This...thank you crazynot. The first time stbx and I separated I didn't look at it that way...I was so sure he was going to wake up, realize what he was throwing away and make some changes and I didn't want to do anything that I may have to confess later...that is how I felt in the beginning of that first S...shortly after our original D hearing (and he moved in with that OW to another state), we had been separated for 14m's, I decided to start dating an old flame...it lasted about 6 weeks...it took me that long to figure out I wasn't ready. I ended it. I was beginning to enjoy my life, singlehood, so much less stress...life was good. STBX asked for a 2nd chance...I gave it to him and I wish I could go back and change that decision...

Can I just say you gave me a heart attack - THANK FUCK it wasn't STBX!!

SBB- I was hoping to hear from you...And I apologize... I wasn't really considering how misleading the topic would be since the thought of kissing STBXrl makes me want to

I mentioned my 6 week foray into another relationship...that experience is probably the biggest factor in preventing me from a repeat. I hurt him...he wanted more and I just didn't have it to give...I wasn't fair to him or me.

Kiss guy is one of the good guys...I know my attraction to him stems from his actions in the aftermath of his situation and this is where objectivity for me comes into play. Makes it easier not to "act" on the attraction. I wouldn't say I regret the kiss...neither does he...on some level I wish I had whatever it takes to take it further, on a higher level I am glad I don't...he feels the same.

I spent so much of the last 5 years healing...not just in terms of my M to stbx but FOO issues as well...sometimes I wonder if I will ever be unbroken/healed. I've learned a lot about myself...learned a lot of my angry issues over the years come from no boundaries, learned that I enabled STBX behavior because of no boundaries...learned why I had no boundaries in the first place...all of it overwhelming at times. What I am learning this this time is just how much of myself I did lose over the last 19y trying to be a "perfect" wife to a serial cheater so he wouldn't be a cheater anymore...DUH!!!! I haven't posted at all about the numerous EA's he had over the years or the ONS he had while away at school before the LTA that ended our 1st marriage...

I don't know what determines a "healed" state of mind...I don't know if I will recognize it when it happens but I do know that even as attracted I may be to kiss guy I am not ready for a "relationship"...maybe companionship once in awhile but definitely not a relationship so companionship with kiss guy is not possible...to much attraction.


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I just say you gave me a heart attack - THANK FUCK it wasn't STBX!!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
SpecialK
♀ Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, but I have a problem with "his" situation. You "know" he is getting a divorce, how? From him?

I have to say that personally I believe you are married or your are not. Both of you need to cut all ties with your current spouses before starting a new relationship.

Have you talked to his wife? What is her take on their marriage?


Posts: 273 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
Starzjourney
♀ Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SpecialK...

Let me say that I appreciate the reasons we are all here in the first place...To assume that I have not done my own due diligence considering, is offensive...his situation has been verified long before I even found myself attracted to him.

With regard to "speaking" to his wife, it really isn't necessary...as I "trusted but verified" once I did develop an attraction, her feelings in regard to their M are pretty obvious and very well known.

To each his own personal beliefs...My stbx broke our M contract...I do not owe that contract or him anything unless I choose to and while I did make a choice to continue to honor him and the contract for some time, I don't choose to anymore. You couldn't pay me to take him back and that has nothing to with my attraction to kiss guy. The "tie" between us is nothing more than a formality at this point....as is the "tie" with kiss guy and his W nothing more than a formality....again, verified.

Having said all of that...no one said anything about a "relationship"...the kiss was impulsive, although neither of us regret it...it in fact had the effect of waking us both up to the realization that while we are both done with our respective M's that doesn't mean we are ready to jump into another relationship so the kiss was a good thing and now we can continue to move forward with our friendship in a positive and healthy way...that could mean a different decision at some point in the future.


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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