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Newest Member: BrokenNoMore (45438)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need help with a few thoughts
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, March 27th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very hard when we do know, correctly, that they are making the wrong choice, a huge mistake. Anyone who throws away a partner who loves them out of some fantastical dissatisfaction simply doesn't understand how people are supposed to function. They CAN'T function healthily. And it's infuriating to watch. You want to shake sense into them. But there is nowhere got the sense to go. Their delusions, their inadequacies, their fears, their resentment and blind self-justification doesn't leave any room for something like truth or reality. And we wish we could change that. Turn the switch. Do something to pull down the curtain hiding the actual situation from their view. Except it's too ingrained. They're too far-gone. They turn out to never have been capable of NOT making this mistake. You just can't stop them from throwing it all away, no matter that we know what they've just junked into the trash has a huge irreplaceable value.

You have to accept that this is her mistake to make. You have to accept that she is actively CHOOSING this mistake. You have to accept that her whole attitude is poisoned, and that you can't fix it, or her. Trying to do so only dooms yourself. And for what? It's an impossible task. It will never work.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature girl and SBB hit the nail on the head brother ! listen and listen again . Do what you want as I did I was also stubborn! I never quit a dam thing in my life and I never quit my marriage , she did!! when you reach anger then you will begin to see it . Focus on you you you!!!

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 690 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An update. I didnt meet my wife.

I decided at the very least it wasnt best for me and that was reason enough. Made me do some more thinking though especially after IC. Come to find out my motivations for R are healthy. But my tactics and understanding of her are flawed. Regardless...i am at a place where R or D, well it doesnt matter. Actually D would be easier. R on the other hand is a whole other monster as most of you knew. R doesnt stand a chance unless her motivation is aligned with mine if not more. And like othera said here the path she chooses is what is relevant.

Me 30s = BS
Her 20s= FWW
DD March 2013
Working on Reconciliation as of October 2014

Posts: 410 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
♀ Member
Member # 42137
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compassionate 2x4 here:

You are evidently a thinker and an analyzer. Waaaay too much, though! Being in your head is a great way to avoid feelings. (I suffer from the same malady....but am working on it!)

Time to "figure out" how to access your feelings. FEEL-ings, as in: how does your BODY feel? Where? What does it feel like? Then with curiosity, befriend the feelings, and witness them.

Be careful who you choose for IC--there is a great potential for enabling too-much-analyzing out there.

What you can heal....

We need to be warriors for our own healing. For me, I have found it's the hardest, toughest, scariest thing to do, to look my fears square in the eye....

When I find myself in perseverating analyzing thinking mode (habits are hard to break), I verbally say a loud "PEH"! or "STOP"! (or loudly in my head if not alone LOL). Then I scan and feel where the feeling is, witnessing it. I can do this a hundred times a day sometimes.

The analytic thinking mind is not an ally when it comes to healing emotional wounds. (Well, maybe it protects us; but we need to be aware of that). And a betrayal is an emotional wound. And for me, another scary abyss is the one of not-knowing....accepting not-knowing....

Good luck on your journey.


me 56
WH 57
married 19 years
separated since 8/2013
D FINAL! Sept 10 2014
D-day Dec 21 2013 (after separation)
2 sons 15 and 12
OW = family friend and WH work colleague, going on many years (I was clueless)

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: canada
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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