Putting your pain aside for just a moment, look at the current situation from a different angle.
She may very well be telling you a good(if not most) portion of the truth, but that is not enough. She not only betrayed you, but she betrayed herself. How was she able to debase herself so easily...and repeatedly?
If she doesn't dig deep to get these answers, then unfortunately, the chance for more D-days in the future is very high.
The two parts of the problem are (1) getting the entire truth about the affair(s), and (2) discovering how it became possible. How personal morals and boundaries were simply dismissed, and a perpetual lie was kept until discovery. How to put new, healthy boundaries in place, so trust can eventually be rebuilt.
She has to want to do this, friend, or the marriage can never recover. I hope that she has it in her to find out.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
When you finally have all the ruth you are going to get you need to define the path towards reconciliation. Maybe counseling might be in order; discussing issues together with a third party is often helpful.
You might ask if she had any intention of confessing her adultery sometime in the future if you had not found out. Gives an interesting insight into how emotionally close she feels to you and how much she values honesty.
You might even find yourself questioning if 2+2 really is 4.
I think the most important part right now is for your wife to be honest with herself and you. Honest as to the why, what really allowed her to do this.
The reason for her to fully understand the why, is so it never happens again. There are lots of asses in this world, and certainly your wife needs to understand how she let this happen just because she was lied to.
Soul searching on her part might reveal her previous marriage, which I believe you said had some kind of abuse during it, have any part. Will it in future decisions.
Make sure you let her be honest, which means that she is not afraid of being honest with you.
For the immediate time being you may not see any cheating or other misbehavior...It is only with a lot of time ( maybe some additional digging) that you will know your WW's true motivations and intentions..
Over time you will have more clarity into how you feel in the aftermath of WW's A's..
You will begin to get an idea whether or not your resentment over what your W did is too overwhelming to stay in the marriage...
Protect your self legally and financially in writing in a way that is legally binding.Taking the time to see how the affair aftermath unfolds / and or attempting R should not risk your future livelihood..
I don't mean to sound cold or bitter, but I think a remorseful WS would understand why his/her BS would not want to risk his/her future livelihood to attempt R..... Sometimes it is years down the road before one realizes that attempted R is a false R..
So before R happens, protect yourself..You will have more peace of mind if you have a good (legal/financial) exit plan in place in the event R goes badly..
I broached this topic to my WS several months into attempted R..The answers I got from him gave me the clarity that I needed...
I found out that what my WH wanted out of the marriage had nothing to do with loving me as a wife...He just wanted the comforts of home/stability..A little cake and ice cream on the side..Apparently I could never be enough for him..
My WS made it clear in no uncertain terms that he was entitled 1/2 of community property in a D..He told me that I was a crazy bitch to broach the topic of post nup and NO WAY was he gonna cooperate..
What you need from your WW are ACTIONS...Let your WW prove she is remorseful without any intention of taking advantage of you or the marriage..
Her cooperation or lack of it in drafting / signing post nup can give you much needed clarity..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:17 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]
Something sticks out like a sore thumb. It's a very common assumption, especially when viewed in the context of a RA.
Why do this to me?
All of us, and I do mean all, get this stuck in our forebrain. It is from our heart, our soul and our confusion. How could the one we loved and trusted so much do this to us? Seems obvious, right? It's not.
Actually, all affairs, even RA's have very little to do with us the BS. Strip away the surrounding circumstances (everyone has their excuses, just like a certain body part), and what you're left with is; *what need/want/desire* did the A fill? She wanted to hurt you as a result of your *A*? Without talking to you or confronting you? Really? My own questions would fall along the lines of, *Why would you be so willing to demean yourself just to get back at me?* *After all of our discussions about an A ending our M, why was your first response to f*** him?*
Just occurred to me. As close as all of you were in your youth, is there a sexual history between them in the past?
Strength today brother.
Went home and asked WW, "WTF was he talking about?" So it appears they had a little history I knew nothing about. WW said they dated briefly before she was married to her first husband. WW says it was an intimate relationship, but she ended it due to his "deviant" nature making her uncomfortable. That and she didn't love him like she loved her ex.
I told my WW I was leaving for awhile. She gave me her letter today, which is more of a timeline. I read it and said. So she had an obvious history with OM, dumped him because she "loved" a man who physically and mentally abused her. Divorced him and decided I was the best option.
WW said that is not true. She has loved me since she was a teenage. She says she settled before not now.
I almost threw up. I told her im leaving and went for a run. That was about three hours ago. I'm at my in laws right now. WW has been texting me for the last hour. In laws know everything now. MIL is pissed, she told me she never liked OM. OM was a strange kid according to FIL, stated one of the happiest day of their lives was when I asked WW on our first date.
I just don't know anymore. WW letter says she choose OM because she thought it would upset me but not destroy me because she never loved him. It was just sex. My MIL thinks WW depression (not diagnosed) along with the mental abuse from her ex caused her to exaggerate her feelings and thoughts about my "cheating". MIL stated the ex really did mess up WW.
MIL stated she was concerned early last year because she also noticed WW acting strange and mentioning my "gf's". MIL said she asked WW what was going on but WW said everything was fine. MIL is so upset that she never mentioned it to me. I just wish WW would have done or said something before this all happened.
The look on OM face today and how he acted like he owned her. I can't get that out of my head. I was upset before but now I just see them together in my head. God I want to throw up.
Then they look amazed at the pain of the BS and say something dumb like "it was only sex". Its supposed to take as much as 5 years for the BS to climb out of the post-fidelity depression, but you can bet the WS will be complaining after a few months "why can't you get over it and move on"
Hope you can come to some decision fairly soon that brings some measure of peace.
None of this is easy but you are holding up incredibly well under the strain--especially when confronted with the OM! I hope you are able to be proud of yourself for that. I also hope you will eventually allow yourself to put your strength down in order to process the feelings as needed; but the early numbness can be a blessing and using the 180 as a tool will only help.
Working 12's is a good way to reasonably maintain 50/50 custody. If you are separating, keep up the time with them. It will be hard, but it sounds like you have help for times when you can hardly breathe.
i was on a direct action CQB team in the marine corps. i know that this betrayal cuts even more deeply because of the work relationship with the OM, teammates are supposed to have each others backs. instead he stuck you into harms way and then ambushed you.
id feel the same way towards OM as you do.
i do think there is more about your WW and OM than you know right now. revelations keep coming out that alter their relationship. a good question to ask is of your brother in law ... why is it that he wont talk to OM from years before? what happened? there is a story there and it may shed more light on what is going on...
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
I agree with this post from William. If you are going to start digging, this is a very good place to start.
So your WW figured it wouldn't be as bad because it "was just sex"? Wow---I bet that you feel better now. The shit that comes out of our spouses mouths can be amazing.
And let's add to that---she "just had sex" with someone she had an intimate past with....that you were totally unaware of. And she stopped dating him because his *deviant* behavior? But had her *revenge affair* with that same person? You can see how this doesn't add up.
Also, is there any possibility that her ex wasn't this abusive monster, and your WW contributed heavily to their failed marriage? I am just throwing that question out there.
It appears that you are quite comfortable with her in-laws. I'm glad that they support you. Hopefully, with some pointed questions, they may be able to give you some answers that will help the puzzle fit together a little better. I know that it is hard to make sense out of nonsense...which is what affairs are...but there may very well be some darker background from your WW's past that you never even thought possible. And now that you are neck-deep in this mess, you are going to want some explanations.
On a different note, I see that the POS OM hasn't learned anything yet, has he?
. OM gave me the bird and caused a scene telling me I f'ed his life up.
BIL explained a lot of things last night. OM had attempted to split BIL up with SIL years ago. OM did the almost exact same thing. Tried to make each of them think the other was cheating and was always giving some typed of "proof". I got to say after a few drinks and the talk I have a lot more respect for my SIL. Would not want to piss her off. OM had tried setting them up and when he made a move on SIL, she punched him. BIL said he and his W also had problems communicating when this all happened. MC helped them a lot he said. When this happened my BIL did have it out with OM. OM has actually hated us for years now. OM was apparently jealous of us. BIL was always the ladies man even in high school. When I graduated and left OM hated me because I was missed by several classmates and the in laws. According to my BIL, WW did have a huge crush on me then. OM actually wanted her then. OM said he should have been the one my in laws "took in". He was born locally and knew he family longer. I'm an only child of a single mother and my in laws treated me like a son from early on. My mother is a wonderful woman and did her best to provide for me. My friendship with all of these people was so important to me. They became my family.
So while I'm away, OM is still friends with everyone and eventually moves in on my WW. They date briefly and it ends badly due to WW also dating her ex at the time. BIL did not think either relationship was very serious at the time as WW was still very young and at no time did she act exclusive with them. BIL did confirm the abuse and does not believe there was any infidelity in that relationship.
I asked my BIL why he never told me any of this and he said he did not know exactly. BIL thought the mess between him and his wife was the extent of the problem. He did not know OM still held such hatred for me or still had feelings for my WW. BIL said his avoiding OM and not saying anything to his family probably caused my WW affair more than anything.
I told him no. That is all on WW. She did this to us not anyone else. She was the weak one and gave in. She choose to believe him and not fight for me or our marriage.
I went to the coffee shop and had to get this all out. I sent my WW a message. I told her I'm hurt and angry with her. I love her but I don't know how I can fix this or get past it. I told her not to respond. My WW sent me this "SWAT, I love you with all of my heart and soul. I am so sorry for what I did to you, me and our family. I will fix this, just wait and see. Give me some time and I will probe it to you. Please!! I love you."
I sent another message telling her she can try I will be watching. I also said I would not be returning home anytime soon, but would stop by tonight to see the children and get my things for work.
This stuff sucks so bad. I want to thank everyone who has posted. I have read them all and your well wishes are awesome. It's just ironic that you all sometimes seem to know what's going to happen or that there maybe more I don't know about. To those of you who actually R, god bless you all cause this shit is hard. I always thought I could take anything thrown my way. Now I'm not so sure.
OM certainly sounds like a broken piece of detritus, don't try and understand him or thw situation mate, because to quote our MC, 'there is no logic to be found in an affair....because they are completely illogical to begin with.'
OM is my case is a serial cheater who admitted to my W in the closing stages of the affair that he was sleeping with hookers at the same time hewas trying to position my wife into the sack. Yeah, real classy guy.
Don't feel rushed to make a decision mate, take your time. It certainly is uncanny how people on here can predict what has happened, but that is purely because these things follow an almost identical script...one that has played out thousands of times.
Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13
Time will tell, but it looks like you have reason to hope. You have a remorseful WW and that's half the battle.
And think on this. Do you want the POSOM to
know he won by destroying your family?
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
He also said that your WW belonged to him,not you, which is not exactly a rational statement.
I would watch for this flaky, unstable nut to take further action against you. In particular your wife needs to make sure she takes no personal risks safety wise. Maybe you should go home at nights just in case; family protection and all that. This guy's attitude and mental health is somewhat disturbing and you need to be extra vigilant.