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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The revenge affair..that wasn't.
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it's been an interesting night. I had made a decision to R with my wife and was planning to call my attorney in the morning.

I drove home after work and was kind of surprised to see several cars at my house. I had forgotten that today was the monthly "Police Spouse" meeting. I walked in and found my wife talking to 10 other wives. Wife had asked them to come over after the meeting. Wife told them all what she had done and was crying. She had apologized to all of them as well since they are the wives of the guys on my patrol and tactical teams. My wife was happy to see me and ran up and hugged me. She whispered she was sorry and had asked them over so she could get some information. One of the wives is my attorney. Wife asked what she needed to do and they all rallied around her and where talking to her. My wife had told my attorney to draft an agreement for her. She wants nothing to from me if we divorce. She doesn't want anything except child support and 50/50 custody. She doesn't want to divorce, but if I did she wanted me to know this.

I just blurted out that I forgave her and wanted to try and work everything out. Wife just fell to the floor crying and saying thank you. The other wives left and we talked. I told her I'm going to try my hardest but I'm gonna have bad days and she is going to have to be there for me and our marriage. She just said thank you. You will never regret this. Wife cried until she fell asleep and I put her to bed.

I want to thank everyone. I'm praying this works out. I need this to work out. I know it's going to be difficult but I think she will fight for me and help me when I need it. So please send some good thoughts our way.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stick around brother, we've still got your back.

once again she is doing all the right things. only time will determine if She is able to continue. Grab ahold of something. you are about to embark on a mighty wild ride.

check out the reconciliation forum.

as always, sending you strength to get through these hard times. hoping for the best for you guys.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3174 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time will tell.. Time is a good thing...
Sending you strength...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:24 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1356 | Registered: Nov 2011
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best of luck SWAT. Your wife may have made a stupid decision when she decided to cheat, but confessing in front of all those wives was simply brilliant. It really convinced you to reconcile and that she was obviously remorseful.

She woke up and saw that she was in danger of losing her marriage and she really pulled the stops out. Going to make it much easier to R.


Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuckin A, brother. I love to here a success story.

There's going to still be a lot of hard work for both of you, but you have a real chance of making it.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 659 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your advice and experience. I just spent an hour watching my wife sleep. I have not done that in a while. She just looked so tired, but beautiful in my eyes.

My wife told me she is ashamed of what she did and how she hurt me. She decided to tell the wives so I would not have any issues at work and to squash any rumors that may have started. My wife also wanted to apologize to my partners husband. She said that she never really believed I slept with her and is sorry for any distress it caused in her relationship.

The wife said that we still have a lot to talk about, but she has not hidden or lied about anything that happened during her affair. (Just typing that word.. )

I will be around. Hopefully posting in reconciliation and general. I expect a bumpy ride. I am hopeful and scared at the same time. I read all of the correspondences between them and she never said ILY to OM and never indicated she wanted to leave me. That and how she has acted and her admissions to family and friends gives me hope.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

**fingers crossed for you**


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Her admission to the other spouses is huge.

I agree though, strap on to something substantial because it will be a bumpy ride.

Perhaps you can brush up on the stages of grief. You will most certainly go through them. Try not to skip a step...it will not bode well for you.

I really love LOVE. I am hoping a praying that you two can work through your pain and she gets better at understanding what caused her to stray...

Just know that the old marriage is dead. Let it go. Build another one! And have fun doing it.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1145 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am happy you have made a decision. Just want to point out a potential issue.

Well I got home this morning , slight hangover. Seems WW is a little angry with me this morning. WW followed me to my room and asked me why I didn't come home last night. My only reply was that she knew why. LODD are rough and funerals of fallen police officers are important and very emotional. Sometimes there is excessive drinking so I stayed in a hotel since I would not drive dunk and it was three hours away. I told WW she knew this. It was in my message to her before I left. Apparently she feels I should have been home. She needed to be reassured I was alright and wanted to be with our family.

Your wife should have told you right then OM called and said you were cheating. Her first instinct was to not trust you and to simmer with anger. This is a major problem. She doesn't tell you what is going on in her mind, especially when someone plants ideas. Until she can deal with her lack of trust in you, and not speaking up right away with an issue to clear the air, you will continue to have problems in your M.

This really needs to be worked out. Once you settle into R, and everything seems to be working this may come back to bite you if you don't work out how to deal with her insecurity and mistrust.

I am sorry I came late to your thread and just wanted to draw you attention to this, as it seems to have been glossed over.

[This message edited by momentintime at 12:55 PM, April 9th (Wednesday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 3007 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, April 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good news.
But SWAT… what you have just posted is akin to telling us you and wife have decided to run a marathon… The decision might be there but you two have a lot of training, preparation and running ahead of you. At times you might have to pull the wagon, at times she has to do it and at times you run side-by-side.
But all good things start with a decision, and I’m happy for you because I sensed that this is what you really wanted.

I want to leave you with one final thought or idea.
Every now and then… maybe once a week while you drive to work or do the long jog… take time to evaluate the information you have, assess the situation, decide what to do and implement your decision… Never let your guard down because basically all you and W have decided is to start a long and hard journey. You need relatively constant progress and movement to reach your destination.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I have decided to commute to the academy for the duration of the class I'm teaching. The wife and I decided it would be best if I moved back into our bedroom. I did tell her that I'm going to still need some alone time and she would to.

I told her one of my biggest problems right now is her inability to tell me things that are bothering her right away. Momentintime hit the nail on the head. She said she understood and would talk to her IC about it.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She told your partner's husband that she never *really* thought his wife was having an affair with you, her husband?

Um..what?

Isn't that why she chose to cheat on you? Because she believed you were having an affair?

So..if she didn't *really* believe that..then why did she cheat?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7916 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused, I questioned the same thing. Her answer was she was selfish, depressed, and resented me at the time. She said she "allowed and then encouraged" herself to believe I was cheating. She said that she never "really" believed it, but it allowed her to cheat. It confuses me, but we are trying to work it out. She said the resentment came from me working so much and the shift work. She knows all of the work was for the family, but I was gone a lot. Kind of made her feel like a single parent I guess.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before you go back to the marital bed... you and your wife have BOTH had STD checks, right?

Posts: 839 | Registered: Sep 2010
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes we did. That was one of the first things done after d-day.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So glad she is showing true remorse. Get some books on communication and building intimacy (Hold Me Tight is highly reccomended though I havent gotten to it yet.) Also Not Just Friends as well as How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair. Read a chapter or two at a time together and discuss. You can bond and learn as you compare feelings and reactions to what you read. Get ready for hyper bonding. Lots of sex is probably coming your way. It's normal at this stage. The best thing you can do as you reconcile is to be determined to build the strongest most intimate, best communicating marriage you can. You won't be sorry if you do that. I can say I am in the best marriage I ever thought possible now and it is because of focus and commitment. Above all else communicate, communicate, communicate. And let her comfort you when your heart is hurting. It will for quite a while. There's no quick way to get over this kind of pain. Good luck to you both.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 486 | Registered: Mar 2014
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa! To put herself out like that in front of all the others? Swat, I'm so happy. Dude, that's as close to real remorse as I can see. Now you got something to work with.
Bumpy ride, lots of work, sure. No doubt. Still, real remorse provides all the raw materials you need to build a new M.
I'm excited for you.

We have a Wayward forum - if you get to the time you're comfortable with the idea - she would find lots of help there.

Swat)))


Posts: 6773 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SWAT70
♂ Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update with too much information.

Ok. So I posted in another thread the other day about me not having mind movies and how me and my wife being intimate again did not go so well that night. I got some sage advise and had a long talk with the wife last night. I'm paraphrasing a lot here so cut me some slack. The conversation creeped me out.

The whole submissive thing my wife has going on is kind of romance novelish. It appears that the wife started living a mild form of BDSM lifestyle in her late teens early twenties. She said she likes to be "forced" to do things. She said that she didn't like pain and anything she just feels she needs to be made to do things. Nothing extreme just being "dominated".
I had to tell her this confused the hell outta me. The wife had
several pages of information and photos. Thank god she got it off the Internet and they were not her. I do understand she has feelings and needs and while what she showed me is not something I understand at this point, I am trying to get it. While I'm a type A personality at work and my everyday life, it isn't something I considered to be in the bedroom and at home. I was raised to respect women and treat them gently. Blame that one on my mom. My wife has always known how I act and treat people and she loves me for it. She said she just needed more and was afraid to ask me because she was afraid I would react poorly. That one hurt. I would never have done anything to hurt her and I believe that I'm one of the most level headed people I know. I would have done anything for her, she only had to ask. To be honest she does get it and how I'm feeling. She again apologized and took responsibility for what she has done. At one point a while back she said it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't OM and she had ended their dating relationship due to him being "deviant". At the time I didn't think to question that further. After reading everything my wife gave me I understand the terminology so here it goes. OM thinks of himself as a strong dominant. He and my wife did have a relationship in the past and it involved that lifestyle. During the affair he did lie and manipulate my wife to an extent. I know she chose to do it but he was persuasive. Prior to the affair my wife said she kind of slipped into her sub role and just went with it. She is not using that as an excuse she was just explaining her thoughts. OM was telling her all of his lies and played on her sub nature and insecurities. The wife said she was foggy and justified her actions to herself and engaged in the affair. She swears there were only three sexual encounters and only the last time involved full sex. My wife said the encounters were of a Dom/sub nature and she does not have feelings for OM. She said she had ended their prior relationship due to OM being increasingly abusive in his nature and pushing for sexual things she did not want and she did not love him.

There was one more point that hurt. She had the affair with OM because she felt comfortable having that type of relationship with him due to their history. God that one hurts.

Sorry for the novel and TMI. But we are trying to R and everyone has given me such great advice and support. I felt there were a lot of you who needed to know where we were at.


Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.
Divorced


Posts: 341 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say that a lot of WS's look for a relationship in their A that is as far from the context of real life as possible..I am willing to bet that once your WW reexamines her life and her marriage with you, she is gonna appreciate you for who you are..
She isn't gonna want to have any thing to do with BDSM..
She is likely grasping at straws to find justification for her A...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1356 | Registered: Nov 2011
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the above post. Your wife's story has... evolved many times since you first found out.

This is more justification.


Posts: 839 | Registered: Sep 2010
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