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User Topic: chronic illness and cheating?
frenchmoxie
♀ Member
Member # 42665
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all,
I am wondering if there is anyone else on the board who has a spouse that was in a sort of caregiver role for them due to having a chronic illness? I have been living with chronic Lyme disease and multiple autoimmune conditions (Sjogren's syndrome and hypothyroidism), and my illnesses drove my spouse away and into the arms of another. It has been one month since I found the emails to the OW, where they each said to each other how much they loved each other and think about one another constantly. My WS was too weak to deal with MY illnesses. Would like to hear from others in a similar situation.


D-Day: 2/22/14, together for 8 years
Me: BS, 29, living w/chronic Lyme disease
Him: WS, 29, OW was an ex-coworker

I found e-mails between them.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
SeekingPeace84
♀ Member
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in right now. Secondly, your illness did NOT drive him to cheat. He promised to be committed for better or worse. He broke his promise and that has NOTHING to do with you. Please don't blame yourself for his weakness and selfishness.

I can relate to you. I have a heart condition, pretty chronic migraines, a very weak immune system, and struggle with anxiety and night terrors. My WS didn't come out and blame my health for his choice to cheat, but he did say he would have left me 6 months ago if I was healthy. I was relatively healthy when we got married, but circumstances changed and I have struggled to keep up with all the changes.

[This message edited by SeekingPeace84 at 9:19 PM, March 24th (Monday)]


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you are going through this.

My wife has MS. Very similar symptoms to Lyme disease. She was the WS not me. Just because you are sick doesn't mean you deserve to suffer more. again I'm sorry.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 459 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
muddled
♀ New Member
Member # 42887
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had breast cancer 9 years ago. I was 37 and opted for bilateral mastectomies. My WH claims that had nothing to do with his A with a 27, large chested,and MOW. I'm so sorry your WH is blaming your health for his poor choices.


Me: 46 WH: 42 Married 18 years
MOW: 27
Dday: Aug 12,2013, TT-still??
DS 16, DD 14

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: where the nightmares came to stay
frenchmoxie
♀ Member
Member # 42665
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SeekingPeace84,

We seem to have similar stories and are at similar stages in our process. I found out about the cheating 4 weeks ago. His claiming that is was "JUST EMOTIONAL", as if that excused the entire thing. My EX is a POS liar and I am still struggling everyday with these feelings even after 4 weeks. My EX and I had been together for 8 years and I was NOT sick when we first started dating.

I cannot e-mail you privately on here because I have not posted enough on the boards, but just wanted to see exactly what went on in your situation? IT helps to know we are not alone in this.


D-Day: 2/22/14, together for 8 years
Me: BS, 29, living w/chronic Lyme disease
Him: WS, 29, OW was an ex-coworker

I found e-mails between them.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
dailyflowers
♀ Member
Member # 34210
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

um, just to let you know, my H has cancer, has been treated twice and they are ramping up for the third go round, and I didn't cheat, in between rounds 1 and 2, he did.

your WH is blameshifting. don't fall for it. Regardless of your illness, if he couldn't handle taking care of you, he could have asked for a divorce.

(HUGS), so sorry you have to go thru this too!!


eesh-- what an 'effing mess!!!

Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2011
Caretaker1
♂ Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It happened the other way around for me. Devalued but expected to care, once I firmed up boundaries it got worse. Caught her on OLD, pining for a walk down the aisle a second time, lied, cheated and still plays victim role. Broke up a family and she's never looked back. She's ok being a part time Mom and waiting to be engaged. Brutal last few years with massive amounts of oain pill addictions, moody, impulsive, thought bipolar 1 traits or BPD. Did not appreciate nor have the maturity to love back used her physical issues always which eventually wore us both please PM me as I'd love to learn more and share the pain frustration and unreal stress.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 7:47 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My cheating spouse is the one who claims to have chronic illness.


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you have to deal with this shitstorm while having to suffer through a chronic illness. I cant say I've been there done that. But I can say that going trough all of this and the stress of it can make any autoimmune issue worse.

Personally I believe I progressed from just plain old achy joints to a full blown psoriatic arthritis like illness. I had managed to keep it somewhat under control but with every single stressful event of my life it get progressively worse. Just last week I saw my rheumatologist and now am bein forced to start meds, as my hands are becoming deformed and now have sjogrens or a variation thereof. It sucks.

Please for this reason be sure to put yourself and your needs first in this process. Make you top priority. Try to minimize the stress to you and by all means share what you are dealing with with your treatment team. They have to know.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8228 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am another psoriatic person..Joints and skin..Bottom of one foot, both hands, elbows, inside my ears :/


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to chime in and reiterate that your illness is not the cause of his A. He had many choices and he chose what he did. He could have communicated his feelings with you, asked for marriage counseling if he thought there was something lacking in your M, he coukd have divorced you, instead he made a cowardly, deceitful choice to betray your trust and your M vows. Please take care of yourself and hold him accountable table. Also, read everything you can in the healing library (yellow box on upper left corner) Articles there will help you navigate through this. Particularly the Q'S for WS and BS.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frenchmoxie-

On your behalf, I simply refuse to accept that your illness caused him to cheat.

Was it stressful? I'm sure, mostly for you and also for him. Life has stresses. Marriage has ups and downs. A broken person deals with those things by cheating, instead of healthy positive behaviors. So - is it a reason for him to cheat every time something big bad and horrible happens?

Does he then grant himself a pass to cheat because " poor me, big bad life is not being nice to me and I know I promised to be faithful but when the sh*t hit the fan it's every man for himself?"

What about if his parents die? He loses his job and has to declare bankruptcy? He gets cancer? He is robbed at gunpoint and beaten? Or whatever awful thing could happen. Is that a reason to cheat?

And, finally, your stress and difficulty in a actually being the one who is ill must have been/must be through the roof . You did not cheat.

While I have not lived your situation, as a part of my career I interact with many chronically ill folks and their families. Being a caregiver is difficult, it is stressful, it can cause burnout and difficult feelings. He chose to cheat when there were many other, better choices he could have made to deal with his feelings.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
charliboy321
♀ New Member
Member # 42803
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frenchmoxie I agree with everyone else your chronic illness didn't cause him to cheat, and you didn't push him into the arms of OW. That was his choice and his alone.

I too have chronic illness, arthritis in all lower body, just before DDay, i was fighting the hospital to allow me to have knee replacement as i couldnt cope with the pain no more. Hospital refused which made the depression worse.He had just had surgery too and he waited till after i had nursed him and helped him to recover.

I know i was miserable around that time and was probably not nice to live with. But my WH knew when he met me that I had joint problems and when they started getting worse I offered him the chance to leave and find someone else. He refused.

When Dday happened i actually asked him if it was due to my illness he said no. I still thought it was my fault. Now though i realise it wasnt my fault and with or without my illness he wouldve gone anyway.

So please dont allow him to blame your illness, in sickness and health are part of the vows that we all took. He chose to throw them vows away. he is fully to blame for his choices, we all have things that are difficult to handle, and we dont go out and cheat.


BS 40 me
WH 41
dd1 17,ds 15,ds2 13
OW 50 3 children
met 1988,together 22 years he lives with OW and has done from 2 months after DDay
dday june 2010

Posts: 17 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: england
Microscopic
New Member
Member # 42903
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in similar situation. Had life changing medical situation not too long ago. Recently discovered husband in bed with a friend. I am devastated. Don't know if If I can forgive

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Massachuseetts
frenchmoxie
♀ Member
Member # 42665
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Microscopic,
I am so sorry you are going through this. How long ago did you find out? Do you mind me asking what illness you have been diagnosed with?


D-Day: 2/22/14, together for 8 years
Me: BS, 29, living w/chronic Lyme disease
Him: WS, 29, OW was an ex-coworker

I found e-mails between them.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
frenchmoxie
♀ Member
Member # 42665
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iWillNOT:
"So - is it a reason for him to cheat every time something big bad and horrible happens?"
That's a great point. And when I confronted him about the cheating I said to him "What happens if you ever get sick, just like me? Who will be there to take care of you? " I even went so far as to say that I hoped he got sick like me so he would then know how it feels to be in my position. I don't regret saying it.


D-Day: 2/22/14, together for 8 years
Me: BS, 29, living w/chronic Lyme disease
Him: WS, 29, OW was an ex-coworker

I found e-mails between them.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
nolight
♀ Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to be an RN and worked in oncology (cancer) a few stand out couples come to mind. One was a woman in her thirties who developed an aggressive form of brain tumour, she lost her hair, her face became deformed from the surgery, she was constantly hospitalised and in her last six months suffered massive cognitive and speech disability and did very little but scream and drool. Her husband sat by her bed from the. Omen the left work until the moment he went home to sleep until she passed.

When I was a student I worked in a nursing home, a woman in her 50s developed severe dementia. She lost the ability to work and could not hold a conversation. Every day her husband came in with her favourite coffee and sat by her bed until night time, feeding her and helping to shower and dress her, this went to for years until she died.

So no, your illness did not contribute to his fuckwittery, he made that decision on his own as he is a broken person.


Posts: 480 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there. You are not alone in your experience.

I have had hormonal problems which affects my menstrual cycle and meant my libido was quite low. My husband seemed upset that he wasn't getting as much sex as he wanted and seemed to partly use this to justify getting kicks out of flirting with another woman.

However, none of those personal health issues, or even underlying relationship problems, justify a person choosing to cheat. The responsibility (and blame) for the choice to cheat rests with the WS 100%.

Your illness is NOT the cause of your spouse's infidelity. Sure, it may be a challenge within your relationship - all relationships experience challenging circumstances at times. It's not a valid excuse.

Lots of love.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frenchmoxie I agree with everyone else your chronic illness didn't cause him to cheat, and you didn't push him into the arms of OW. That was his choice and his alone.

I also agree and stress it 100%.

I have chronic Lyme (since 2008...after his EAs) - he never cheated on me during my illness. After D-day, I left him and he went to IC and we went to MC for 2 years. Therapy made him a different man. When he is frustrated with my illness, we talk about it. He has been there for me through a year of PICC line IV antibiotic therapy, brain fog, pain, malaise...etc.

When he was broken, however, he cheated on me when I was helping my mom (my brother is autistic) when my dad was in the hospital for a long term stay. I was not home often. Read my profile...it explains everything.

My point is, when someone is broken, they will find a way to shift the blame onto you (it could be your illness, someone else's, the wind blew wrong, whatever) instead of facing their own demons.

(((((frenchmoxie)))))


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5027 | Registered: May 2007
damnUnicorns
♀ Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's awful that he blamed your illnesses! What aPOS! I MEAN REALLY! We are ask fallible human-beings & it's not exactly shocking that someone would eventually have a severe illness while married!
I dunno, maybe I look at it that way because my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer & died when I was 10?

Anyway, I married my husband knowing he had a rare heart condition from birth. It was likely he could die at a young age. One doctor suggested 50 as his likely life length @ age 35 when he began having severe health issues again. ..following open heart surgery at age 16 (thanks doc! Think it's a coincidence he is so unhappy & making severe changes in life now at age 48?!).

I was the wife who sat bedside, helping the nurses day & night. I slept in the chairs overnight, I nursed him while running our home & taking care of the kids without much input from him. ( For years... through joblessness & bankruptcy, through distancing. I understood he was wrapped up in fear& pain. I was too. He always came first. Finally his health improved, or at least stabilized.

10 years ago I became very ill. I wad unable to drive, dress myself, cook, finish a sentence. I went to doc after doc, went through test after test. After 1.5 years I had no solid answers. I heard everything from "it was in my head" to " heavy metal poisoning". My hands clawed, My hair what sold grey, I had unbearable pain & numb/tingly areas. It was awful and I was so frustrated/scared/ angry/depressed I actually sat with a .357 in my mouth one afternoon. He took me to the docs, but was frustrated with my depression (you'd think he'd understand... but I'm a natural pessimist & he BELIEVES himself a very positive person. DD& I disagree, but he gets upset whenever we say he's not) & my "giving up" on going to docs since they couldn't medicate nor diagnose me &
get me comfortable again.

We fought about that often. That and that the house was getting dirty & the kids schedules falling apart, I wasn't "positive" or "fun". He once told me
"he was sicker than me& managed to hold a job & keep his shit together".
I told him it wasn't a contest & that I was very ill, even if not as ill as him. He's STILL never acknowledged that I'm actually chronically ill.

So, i went to one final specialist, art my family's insistence. Finally someone believed me, listened, & kind of put two & two together. Turned out I had near fatal B 12 vitamin deficiency, 2 slipped disks that were pinching my sciatic nerve, a destroyed hip joint, as well as Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis & the hell of something called Ankylosing Spondylitis.
Just a couple of issues. I was told 3 years ago by one of the top specialist in my area that I'll need a caregiver in as soon as 3 years. A year after hearing that he bails. I mentioned i thought that was pretty fucked up at the time he gave me the ILYBNILWY speach.Even separated I still sit beside when he had surgery. 3x. I even asked him once, " so where are your "friends"? if I love someone you couldn't keep me away! Not one of them showed up, or even called.( Ironically that was our 26th anniversary). Now even the OW who I thought then was only a friend. Says a lot about them imo...
but if we do D, that's one thing I will no longer do. I will sit with my kids in the waiting room, but he will no longer have the comfort of my love, concern, during. I cry writing that... because it's do shallow. But I don't get the reverse benefit, nor even any appreciation.
Let him see what he threw away.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 3:43 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
Topic Posts: 21
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