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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 Weeks In: Help?
sohowamI
♀ Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Krispy, I'm so sorry to read this. Everyone has their own response. My history is similar. My WS had a twelve year 'love' affair that I found out about 23 months ago. He was also in another relationship that had endured for 18 months concurrently. What I additionally found out six weeks later was that there was a previous affair that lasted for ten years and various others. It sounds hideous, I know.

What I can say is though is that my WS has done everything that I have asked of him. He dropped the one he 'loved' (it wasn't real love - how could it be?); and has been in IC and MC and I am now the most important person in his life. He was like a deer in the headlights for the first two months or so and it took a good year for the 'fog' to lift but he was determined to work on the marriage and himself after I found out.

Three weeks is such a short time. I am almost two years out. It's been hell but it's getting better. A marriage can be worked on if two people want to make it so. You need real glue underneath and a real friendship too.

Please take your time to consider your options but don't simply take your WS's words as gospel truth. Use your forensics and check everything for evidence of anything else and watch him! Watch his actions, his body language, his responses to your questions and read as much as you can. 'After the Affair' is a must and is certainly a book that should be read together.

MC is for the both of you once all the truth is out. No point if he's still hiding or foggy.

Please read as much as you can here but you can't take ALL the advice that is offered.

Please keep posting too. It's a great site and a wonderful help - especially in the beginning.


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'After the Affair' is a must and is certainly a book that should be read together.
I don't agree with this book recommendation at all. Maybe later on in your healing journey, but not now. Two much better books are "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald for your WH. But, you should read it, too. It is a very short and easy to read book. Can be done in a couple of hours.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC recommended "Not Just Friends," and I found it helpful up to the point where she starts describing tasks leading to R. I am simply not ready to read those chapters yet, so I keep re-reading the how-to-deal-with-trauma parts, and they keep being very useful.

WH read the other one, highlighting most of it. I skimmed it and agreed with what I saw, but left it to him. It's his job.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krispy, we didn't read NJF's until about 8 months after d-day. That is when I found SI. We had gone to MC and it was helpful, up to a point. Basically, after 2-3 months of MC she said we were good and dismissed us. Basically told me to rugsweep. Which we did. Until I nearly had a nervous breakdown and finally found SI and my sanity again.

NJF's was recommended here to me. We got two copies. FWH and I each read a chapter a week and set up an agreed time every week to spend at least an hour discussing what we had read and what spoke to us in the chapter we just read. This was better than the MC we received. It jump started so many deep emotional conversations in a weekly discussion. I don't feel I would have been ready for that at 3-4 weeks post d-day. I understand how you aren't ready for that part of the book. Many recommended to skip the chapter(s) on the AP's as who gives a fuck about them.

I am glad you are reading NJF's it is a great book.

(((krispy)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many recommended to skip the chapter(s) on the AP's as who gives a fuck about them.

I was not aware that there were chapters on/for them! Thanks for the warning.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 45
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