Eat and drink healthy when you can. Best thing for me is to work out too. Walk, shovel snow, yardwork, swim, any exercise. You would be amazed at how good beating the shit out of snow/ice (I live in MI) feels.
Get to a DR and get tested for everything. Protected sex until WH does also. Also talk to doc about situation. She/he may prescribe something short term (I had to take BP medication for about 4 months) depending on your needs.
3 weeks or so in is still about protecting and taking care of you and your children. ef him. He needs to work on his shit. You did not do this, you are not the reason. You have plenty of time to make the best decision for you! How your WH uses that time may sway you from R to D/S.
You decide your needs. WH needs to meet them or you walk. Sometimes you have to be willing to leave the marriage (file for D) to save it. I read that on here multiple times.
It does take a long time. I'm 3 months out and still in pain. I try to exercise and do things to stay distracted.
Someone said to "out" them to everyone. I don't know if that is the best idea. If everyone knows the truth, that might make it easier for them to just decide to start a life together. They would have nothing to lose at that point.
WTF?!?! What hell is that about?! Do they really think that "trickling" the truth makes it less awful?
I think this is the proverbial straw that has broken the camel's back. I absolutely do not want this lying sack of shit. I think I am still going to wait to kick him out until the end of the school year, when the kids and I will have time and energy to grieve this debacle. Right now I am just too sick to cope.
Strange irony; if he really wanted to reconcile if would continue lying given the enormity of his adultery. Maybe he arranged this with the OW; "tell her the whole truth and see what she does" You end up giving a continuance to their affair by ending the marriage.
The OW seems determined to have your husband; she doesn't seem inclined to give up and preserve your family unity. What an evil bitch.
This all should go on your pace not his or hers. She is willing to scorch earth to have him, ow lie. You can have him do a poly. You can work on conditions of recovery. But first and for most is nc by you and him with shank ho.
I made some initial mistakes in not going with my time frame. This is a horrible trauma, you just got hit with a bus. Get help from a medical Dr. And therapy. Make clear to wh, this is your feeling. No more meetings with her, his job is solely to treat you as if your in intensive care, in the hospital. The ow is a n addict and frankly not your problem or his.
If you want to you can save this marriage, if he is willing to put you first above his self and do what you need. Not easy but it is true. Our issues spanned over 12 years of him acting out sexually. I realize my message is different, but I to know that it is your choice. They had 7 years to know reality, you have had essentially days. I support you whatever you decide, but you do deserve to know things can work out.
[This message edited by PricklePatch at 8:05 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]
I made the decision yesterday to just not care at this point, to not put any pressure on myself to make any big changes for the next 3 months, and to really focus on ME and my boys rather than on "us". I also decided not to waste one more minute trying to understand WH. He will either get his shit together or he will not, and there is nothing I can do or want to do about it. Last night was also the first in three weeks that I slept all the way through. Coincidence?
[This message edited by krispy47 at 10:18 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]
Sounds like you are doing the 180 naturally. Don't get upset if you feel differently in the next hour. The first several months are a fast and super hilly roller coaster ride.
Just stick to your indifference and vent to us.
That new information had to be hard. If he is capable of several short affairs plus a LTA, then he is definitely hard to trust. I would get to the lawyer's. I don't know how you can stand to have him in the house! I'm sorry you have to go through this.
In my case, I did move out for separation and just lived day to day for 3 months. I just survived while my heart and head constantly fought. I went back and forth like a ping pong ball. Should I give him another chance to get his shit together? Should I move on before wasting more time (and possibly/probably suffering more heartache)?
One day I just felt like my head cleared, the fog lifted, and I just knew. Our marriage was a sham. He lied and cheated from the time we were dating. The man I was in love with wasn't actually who my husband was. And I realized that he would have to turn into a completely different person in order for me to even truly contemplate R. That's not fair to ask of him, and I would only be let down for years to come.
Your relationship and situation is different than mine. Just know that you can take all the time you need to figure out what's best for you and your future. We're all here to listen or offer our experiences for you.
He will either get his shit together or he will not, and there is nothing I can do or want to do about it.
Realizing they are broken and only they can fix themselves is a huge first step and you made it very early on. I wish I would have come to this realization as fast as you have!
Take care, and wish you (and your kids) the very best!
4 kids all adults.
Married 22+ years.
I have moved on and life is good!
Was he having these other encounters during the years with OW? if so, what sort of an idiot is she, even if they pre-dated her, she knew about them and still got involved with him. aargh what a moron.
You don't need to make any decisons right now, as you said, you feel like you are treading water, well you need to wait unitl your feet can touch ground again.
In the meantime, if he is still trying hard to gain your trust to make the marriage work, and is having no contact with her, well good, at the very least it is a kick in the teeth for her. she must be furious that she is trying so hard to split you up and he hasn't left you and you haven't kicked him out.
No matter what your decision is later, for now at least take some dark satisfaction in that she's not getting what she wants.
Stay strong (((((hugs)))
The man I was in love with wasn't actually who my husband was.
That was the realization that I came to as well. It is a very hard thing to do, because you don't want to give up what you thought you had. But our marriage wasn't going well before the A, and that is what I have to face in my own IC.
I also am *starting* to see that forcing him to stay would have been asking him to be someone who he doesn't want to be. We were not very sexually compatible, for example, so I think it would have only caused more struggles for us later. Still, it doesn't make it hurt any less at all. I lost the dream I thought I had...but it wasn't real.
I feel the 180 is very good for you at this point. It is usually used to detach from a remorseless WS. Do you feel that your WH is remorseful? What has his actions been since d-day? BTW, WH needing "closure" was not what a remorseful WH should have been thinking about. Once again, thinking only about what his "needs" and not what is best for you.
In what context did OW give you all the other information? Did you contact her or did she contact you? I would suggest you go NC with OW. She doesn't have your best interests at heart. She, in fact, wants to destroy you and your marriage. Destroying you makes a path straight to your WH for her as does destroying the marriage. OW will make sure she tells you everything (and oftentimes make up stuff or exaggerate) in the most hurtful way possible. Your WH is in CYA mode. He doesn't want to give you anymore information because he wants to control the damage he has done.
7 YEARS IS A LONG TERM EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP>>>>A COMMON LAW MARRIAGE>>>>>
Please keep posting, krispy, and let us know how you are doing. (((((((((((((((krispy)))))))))))))))))
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Don't even think about making any decisions for the long term yet, it's far too early. However, be aware that just like any bad habit this will be hard to break. Do not assume that all contact has been severed. The OW has a lot invested in this and is unlikely to give up easily. And he, even knowing this is wrong, may not be able to help himself at this point (still in the fog) until he is further along in therapy.
Think of him as someone who needs protecting from himself right now. Install GPS on his phone, get passwords to all his mail/social media, insist on utter transparancy from him regarding his movements. And get a restraining order on the OW.
Don't listen to anyone telling you that you have to divorce him because of this LTA affair. Stick with MC and wait and see how things develop and whether you see true remorse from him. And remember, at this early stage your feelings may well flip from one day to the next, even from hour to hour. An LTA is not automatically worse than other affairs.
As for your despair right now, it's hard to give a timeline. So much will depend on how your H behaves from her on in and how helpful he is. I am nearly 17 months from DD and still think about it every day, however the gut wrenching pain and despair is gone (cant remember exactly when). Dont look too far ahead, survive one day at a time. And you will survive, because you will discover that you are an absolute bad ass! :)
Right now you need to spoil yourself. Treat yourself at the salon, buy new clothes, do anything to help make yourself feel better. Cancel any committments which are not absolutely necessary.
My husband also had a LTA. Pls PB me if you want to compare notes!!!!!
Me: 51 yrs
WS: 56 yrs
Married : 21 years Together: 30 years
Kids: 16 & 19
Affair 8 years!
DD: November 2012