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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 3 Weeks In: Help?
Michman
♂ Member
Member # 41322
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acute symptoms of this can last a few weeks...or months...get thee to IC.

Eat and drink healthy when you can. Best thing for me is to work out too. Walk, shovel snow, yardwork, swim, any exercise. You would be amazed at how good beating the shit out of snow/ice (I live in MI) feels.

Get to a DR and get tested for everything. Protected sex until WH does also. Also talk to doc about situation. She/he may prescribe something short term (I had to take BP medication for about 4 months) depending on your needs.

3 weeks or so in is still about protecting and taking care of you and your children. ef him. He needs to work on his shit. You did not do this, you are not the reason. You have plenty of time to make the best decision for you! How your WH uses that time may sway you from R to D/S.

You decide your needs. WH needs to meet them or you walk. Sometimes you have to be willing to leave the marriage (file for D) to save it. I read that on here multiple times.


Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. -Arthur Miller, lol, that's rich.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013
betrayedidiot
♀ Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry if you feel some of our comments are harsh. My H only strayed for a few weeks and I still couldn't get over it.

It does take a long time. I'm 3 months out and still in pain. I try to exercise and do things to stay distracted.

Someone said to "out" them to everyone. I don't know if that is the best idea. If everyone knows the truth, that might make it easier for them to just decide to start a life together. They would have nothing to lose at that point.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, god... The shit just keeps hitting the fan. Today I learned, from OW of all people, that WH left a bunch of stuff out. Like numerous online sexual relationships. A series of one night stands while he traveled on business. The fact that he lied to me about how he met OW, and the fact that they did in fact fuck each other in my marriage bed, when he said they had not. He confessed to it all by phone, but only after me pressing and pressing and pressing for the truth.

WTF?!?! What hell is that about?! Do they really think that "trickling" the truth makes it less awful?

I think this is the proverbial straw that has broken the camel's back. I absolutely do not want this lying sack of shit. I think I am still going to wait to kick him out until the end of the school year, when the kids and I will have time and energy to grieve this debacle. Right now I am just too sick to cope.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds as if your WS is trying to get you to pull the trigger on your marriage. He's confessed to just about every carnal sin when he could have continued lying and possibly ensured reconciliation.
This way if you end it, having all the sordid details, then he can say its out of his hands and concentrate on the affair with his lover.

Strange irony; if he really wanted to reconcile if would continue lying given the enormity of his adultery. Maybe he arranged this with the OW; "tell her the whole truth and see what she does" You end up giving a continuance to their affair by ending the marriage.

The OW seems determined to have your husband; she doesn't seem inclined to give up and preserve your family unity. What an evil bitch.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no, how horrible! Your story was bad enough before this additional information. At this point, you need to focus all of your energy on taking care of yourself and your children. Hard 180 for your WH. Stop MC and double up on IC for yourself. See a lawyer as soon as you can and start to get your ducks in a row. Gather financial information, if you don't already have it. Definitely STD tests, if you haven't already done. Keep posting, we are here to support you. (((krispy47)))


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Aug 2010
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree, seems like ow is trying to pull the trigger. I personally found out about betrayal that lasted over a long period. My fwh was not honest in the beginning. I would have him send a no contact. If that didn't work a restraining order and I would have a post nup in place. He and you I would suggest ic. I would make it clear neither he or she are victims. They are the criminals. It is easy to confide in your fellow criminal. It seems like you need to figure out if he is a sex addict.

This all should go on your pace not his or hers. She is willing to scorch earth to have him, ow lie. You can have him do a poly. You can work on conditions of recovery. But first and for most is nc by you and him with shank ho.

I made some initial mistakes in not going with my time frame. This is a horrible trauma, you just got hit with a bus. Get help from a medical Dr. And therapy. Make clear to wh, this is your feeling. No more meetings with her, his job is solely to treat you as if your in intensive care, in the hospital. The ow is a n addict and frankly not your problem or his.

If you want to you can save this marriage, if he is willing to put you first above his self and do what you need. Not easy but it is true. Our issues spanned over 12 years of him acting out sexually. I realize my message is different, but I to know that it is your choice. They had 7 years to know reality, you have had essentially days. I support you whatever you decide, but you do deserve to know things can work out.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 8:05 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 285 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to those who PM's me to suggest 180. I had to look the term up!

I made the decision yesterday to just not care at this point, to not put any pressure on myself to make any big changes for the next 3 months, and to really focus on ME and my boys rather than on "us". I also decided not to waste one more minute trying to understand WH. He will either get his shit together or he will not, and there is nothing I can do or want to do about it. Last night was also the first in three weeks that I slept all the way through. Coincidence?

[This message edited by krispy47 at 10:18 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations Krispy47.

Sounds like you are doing the 180 naturally. Don't get upset if you feel differently in the next hour. The first several months are a fast and super hilly roller coaster ride.

Just stick to your indifference and vent to us.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
betrayedidiot
♀ Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great job taking care of yourself! Good to hear you were able to get some rest.

That new information had to be hard. If he is capable of several short affairs plus a LTA, then he is definitely hard to trust. I would get to the lawyer's. I don't know how you can stand to have him in the house! I'm sorry you have to go through this.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
AlwaysTooNice
♀ Member
Member # 41701
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Krispy, you are a strong woman. No matter what happens, no matter your decision or what other shit is flung your way, you WILL survive this. You will be okay. You're naturally defending yourself in the best way possible. I, too, had to just sit on information for several months. I couldn't handle the severity of the situation so I just survived for about 3 months. One day, I just woke up and knew what had to be done. You're doing the right thing. There's no pressure to make huge decisions right now. Keep drinking and eating and exercising. Spend lots of time with your boys. They'll give you something to look forward to everyday.
I'm sending you lots of prayers and support. You're doing great, Krispy. We're all here for you.


Me: 25 SAHM Him: 27
DDay 1: Sept 2009 - rugswept
Married: Oct 2010
DDay 2: Nov 2013 - confronted 3 weeks later & separated
False R. Filed for D Mar 2014

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SE USA
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, March 26th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you do have company, a similar 7 or 8 year LTR I discovered from my WW, along with several other "quickies along the way.
Never saw it coming, and yes, it does make you feel like a complete idiot. You will eventually realize all those clues you decided to ignore in the past that should have been red flags.
The good news is that you will rarely miss one again. You'll begin to see those in other people as you get tuned into all the signals.
You will find good advice from those here that have been down every possible avenue of Shitville.
Try to keep a sense of humor about it, because you will get through it.
It's time to be a little selfish and take care of you for awhile.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AlwaysTooNice, may I ask what the "right thing" was in your case? Did you D or R?


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
AlwaysTooNice
♀ Member
Member # 41701
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the "right thing," I meant you were taking time for yourself and not being pressured into making life-altering decisions when your emotions are off the chart. I would never suggest a "right" or "wrong" choice regarding someone else's relationship. Just to clear up my previous statement.

In my case, I did move out for separation and just lived day to day for 3 months. I just survived while my heart and head constantly fought. I went back and forth like a ping pong ball. Should I give him another chance to get his shit together? Should I move on before wasting more time (and possibly/probably suffering more heartache)?

One day I just felt like my head cleared, the fog lifted, and I just knew. Our marriage was a sham. He lied and cheated from the time we were dating. The man I was in love with wasn't actually who my husband was. And I realized that he would have to turn into a completely different person in order for me to even truly contemplate R. That's not fair to ask of him, and I would only be let down for years to come.

Your relationship and situation is different than mine. Just know that you can take all the time you need to figure out what's best for you and your future. We're all here to listen or offer our experiences for you.


Me: 25 SAHM Him: 27
DDay 1: Sept 2009 - rugswept
Married: Oct 2010
DDay 2: Nov 2013 - confronted 3 weeks later & separated
False R. Filed for D Mar 2014

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SE USA
bigskyblues
♂ Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He will either get his shit together or he will not, and there is nothing I can do or want to do about it.

Realizing they are broken and only they can fix themselves is a huge first step and you made it very early on. I wish I would have come to this realization as fast as you have!

Take care, and wish you (and your kids) the very best!

BSB


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 202 | Registered: Sep 2012
AlwaysTooNice
♀ Member
Member # 41701
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is so true, BSB. They will only fix problems they find worth fixing. I think true R can only be achieved if the WS is 100% dedicated.


Me: 25 SAHM Him: 27
DDay 1: Sept 2009 - rugswept
Married: Oct 2010
DDay 2: Nov 2013 - confronted 3 weeks later & separated
False R. Filed for D Mar 2014

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SE USA
Gemstone
♀ Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You seem to be detaching from him, that must be good for you whatever the final outcome may be.

Was he having these other encounters during the years with OW? if so, what sort of an idiot is she, even if they pre-dated her, she knew about them and still got involved with him. aargh what a moron.

You don't need to make any decisons right now, as you said, you feel like you are treading water, well you need to wait unitl your feet can touch ground again.

In the meantime, if he is still trying hard to gain your trust to make the marriage work, and is having no contact with her, well good, at the very least it is a kick in the teeth for her. she must be furious that she is trying so hard to split you up and he hasn't left you and you haven't kicked him out.
No matter what your decision is later, for now at least take some dark satisfaction in that she's not getting what she wants.
Stay strong (((((hugs)))


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
betrayedidiot
♀ Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The man I was in love with wasn't actually who my husband was.

That was the realization that I came to as well. It is a very hard thing to do, because you don't want to give up what you thought you had. But our marriage wasn't going well before the A, and that is what I have to face in my own IC.

I also am *starting* to see that forcing him to stay would have been asking him to be someone who he doesn't want to be. We were not very sexually compatible, for example, so I think it would have only caused more struggles for us later. Still, it doesn't make it hurt any less at all. I lost the dream I thought I had...but it wasn't real.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krispy, I am so sorry you have had the misfortune to need SI, but I am so glad that you found us and to find us so early on. (It took me 8 months.)

I feel the 180 is very good for you at this point. It is usually used to detach from a remorseless WS. Do you feel that your WH is remorseful? What has his actions been since d-day? BTW, WH needing "closure" was not what a remorseful WH should have been thinking about. Once again, thinking only about what his "needs" and not what is best for you.

In what context did OW give you all the other information? Did you contact her or did she contact you? I would suggest you go NC with OW. She doesn't have your best interests at heart. She, in fact, wants to destroy you and your marriage. Destroying you makes a path straight to your WH for her as does destroying the marriage. OW will make sure she tells you everything (and oftentimes make up stuff or exaggerate) in the most hurtful way possible. Your WH is in CYA mode. He doesn't want to give you anymore information because he wants to control the damage he has done.

7 YEARS IS A LONG TERM EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP>>>>A COMMON LAW MARRIAGE>>>>>
I vehemently disagree with this statement. It was nothing like a marriage. NOTHING. OW was just a long term cumdumpster. My FWH liked the fact that he didn't need to put any effort (other than his sneaking around) into the OW. OW was there ready and waiting with legs spread and all FWH had to do was make the call, show up, fuck her, and then be on his merry way. Marriage isn't about that. Marriage is messy and hard work. There is a household to run, children to raise, bills to pay, extended families to deal with. It takes time and effort. It just isn't a fuck for an hour in the morning and fucking on weekends in the time it takes to run errands. My FWH had a LTA (which OW said was 7 years but FWH denies) and he wasn't in love with it. What he was in love with was the attention, the ego kibbles, the shady side sex, the feeling of power and control. Oh, he liked OW well enough. He did spend one three day weekend with it when I thought he was on a snowmobile trip with his BFF. He realized on that weekend he would never, ever want to spend that much time with it again. However, OW was still good enough to fuck on the side. I want to let you know that many have recovered and reconciled their marriages after LTA's. We have a thread in the ICR (I CAN RELATE) Forum that you might want to check out. Some of the WS's have had a 25 year LTA. Actually, the lack of an emotional attachment to the AP is oftentimes why an affair is able to last that long.

I know you are leaving it up to your WH to fix himself, which is what needs to be done. I would like to suggest that you print off something from the Wayward forum for your WH to read, though. My FWH was very remorseful immediately. He told me he would do whatever it takes to save our marriage. The thing was, he didn't know what he needed to do. Most WS don't know what to do. When I found SI one of the first things I found was the "Things that every WS needs to know" thread in the Wayward forum. I bumped it so it should be on the first page of the Wayward forum. I printed it off and gave it to WH. He read it and started doing the things that were suggested. He used it as a guideline of what he needs to be doing. It was extremely helpful to him and in turn me.

Please keep posting, krispy, and let us know how you are doing. (((((((((((((((krispy)))))))))))))))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9546 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
krispy47
♀ Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again to all of you. Today was a particularly bad day -- really feeling the weight of the betrayal and the extent of the damage it has done to me -- and it was good to come here and read all of posts from people who have survived or are surviving this hell. I had no idea there was so much misery out there. I am so very sorry that this forum is necessary, but so very glad I am not alone.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
jules6710
♀ New Member
Member # 42965
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Krispy it was not a "common law marriage", it was nothing like a marriage. That is like comparing apples and oranges. She was a booty call, nothing more. In fact I think often the LTA shows even less committment to the OW, if he had wanted to be with her he could have left a long time ago. The affair itself became a habit and circumstances (the fact you did not find out and that the OW clearly has so low self esteem that she was happy to accept whatever scraps of his time she could) allowed it to continue for a long time. Read this post from another SI member concerning the character of the OW

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326449

Don't even think about making any decisions for the long term yet, it's far too early. However, be aware that just like any bad habit this will be hard to break. Do not assume that all contact has been severed. The OW has a lot invested in this and is unlikely to give up easily. And he, even knowing this is wrong, may not be able to help himself at this point (still in the fog) until he is further along in therapy.

Think of him as someone who needs protecting from himself right now. Install GPS on his phone, get passwords to all his mail/social media, insist on utter transparancy from him regarding his movements. And get a restraining order on the OW.

Don't listen to anyone telling you that you have to divorce him because of this LTA affair. Stick with MC and wait and see how things develop and whether you see true remorse from him. And remember, at this early stage your feelings may well flip from one day to the next, even from hour to hour. An LTA is not automatically worse than other affairs.

As for your despair right now, it's hard to give a timeline. So much will depend on how your H behaves from her on in and how helpful he is. I am nearly 17 months from DD and still think about it every day, however the gut wrenching pain and despair is gone (cant remember exactly when). Dont look too far ahead, survive one day at a time. And you will survive, because you will discover that you are an absolute bad ass! :)

Right now you need to spoil yourself. Treat yourself at the salon, buy new clothes, do anything to help make yourself feel better. Cancel any committments which are not absolutely necessary.

My husband also had a LTA. Pls PB me if you want to compare notes!!!!!

Best wishes

Me: 51 yrs
WS: 56 yrs
Married : 21 years Together: 30 years
Kids: 16 & 19
Affair 8 years!
DD: November 2012


Posts: 10 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Denmark
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