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User Topic: What are the odds?
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay so this has been eating away at me. I know alot if not All BS self esteem/confidence takes a huge hit when DDAY arrives.
When my WS was first confessing to me, I asked him not to tell me about anyone when we wernt together ( we split once 5yrs ago for 2 months) he told me about the first time he has a ONS. Then when I asked him if there was anything else he proceeded to tell me about another OW, when I asked him when this happened, at first he told me "when we wernt together" I asked " why are you telling me this if I asked you not to tell me about this time?" His reply... wait for it.. "because she was really hot" I was like "okay?" And he replied "no, I mean really hot". He looked me dead in the eyes when he told me this. Well the truth came out later that he slept with this "really hot" woman 3 yrs ago.
This has hit my confidence so bad, I've tried to get past it but can't. I can see his face and hear his voice as if he were right in front of me, and everytime I think about or see this rerun it feels like a knife in my chest is twisting. In counseling the subject came up and he said " to be honest, I thought it's what you wanted to hear" because awhile ago I made a comment to a friend when the whole "if my husband cheated" subject came up and I made a joke saying something like well she had better at least look pretty Damn good.. and at the time i really thought my confidence would be "less hit" if in theory there was ever a OW and was really attractive.
Well in the beginning when WS was willing to do the things I need, I asked him to help me find out who they are. All he can remember from one of their names was mist, or misty or something like that. So when I got on FB to do the search he said " I don't know what they would look like now" and a few other comments and some more about being worried that they are "uglier" now.
What are the odds that these woman are hideous nasty ugly things? And he is worried about how I will react to him sleeping with unattractive woman?
Idk this is probably just me trying to make myself feel better


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's a no win situation as to whether the ow was attractive or not. either way, self esteem can take a huge hit.

it was really shitty of him to exasperate the whole "she's really hot" thing. does he take a lot of worth in appearances himself? is he that shallow?

maybe he'll be embarrassed. maybe it's shame. maybe it's him worried his words will come back to bite him in the ass. maybe he's more worried about how the OW looks (and how that reflects on him) than how you feel, regardless of her appearance...


[This message edited by unfound at 4:21 PM, March 21st (Friday)]


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it shouldn't matter and the weird thing is he isn't that into appearances even with himself. I on the other hand have always has an issue with my appearance. I learned this while going through IC. The only thing I've ever had enforced throughout my youth is my physical appearance. Starting from a baby I've always been in beauty contest through my youth then modeling. All my family and family friends always commenting on how pretty I was and such. At one point i realized that i do have alot more to offer than my physical appearance. My self confidence with my body and appearance went out the door after having 2 kids and stretch marks, still a little overweight... well alot in my eyes.
Durring this time I had a few drinks one night and asked if they were prettier than me and his response was... "well the one was" you can see the lack of empathy on his part. It killed me inside to hear him say that. I can't help but think of it now everytime I look at myself in the mirror (although I've had a few good days where I say damn I look good) it's just killing me and I logically know it shouldn't matter anyways but my feeling say the opposite. Everytime hes intimate/or tries to be I can't help but think I don't look as good as the OW while durring or after and all in between.


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The lack of empathy is astonishing in WS.

Your WS is using your words against you.

In counseling the subject came up and he said " to be honest, I thought it's what you wanted to hear" because awhile ago I made a comment to a friend when the whole "if my husband cheated" subject came up and I made a joke saying something like well she had better at least look pretty Damn good...

You should ask him if he would like it if the tables were turned...if you found someone else "really hot"...and then screwed them behind his back...?!?

At some point you would think that your own husband would know what to say and not say.

Truth is good, don't get me wrong. But these kind of comments are meant to injure you. Make no mistake, he is rubbing your face in your comment.

All wide eyed..."She was REALLY HOT" what a douche'!

I really take offense to a person that you let close to you, where you have been intimate, you have let yourself be vulnerable...then they take your comments and turn them around to clobber you. Hate that. Makes you guard what you say.

So now you live with a person that you have to guard your comments for fear of anything you say being used against you. Did I say I hate that!

Sometimes you need to realize when people really don't have your best interests at heart.

I mean I know that cheating on you is a great clue...but you may consider hanging out when someone who treats you and your emotions with disdain.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he isn't that into appearances even with himself

Bull excrement.

no, I mean really hot". He looked me dead in the eyes when he told me this

He knew exactly where to hit you so it hurt the most.

I on the other hand have always has an issue with my appearance.

I'm sorry.

Well in the beginning when WS was willing to do the things I need

If he is not still doing them, why are you still giving him the time of day? He's playing you like a fiddle.

Please, please realize you are giving him a gift. He's throwing it in you face. He's using your insecurities to keep you in thrall. Always, YOU ARE THE PRIZE! Personally, IDC what your outward appearance is. You posses the greatest beauty of all. You are faithful, steadfast and honest. What in the hell did he ever do to deserve a gift like you?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2999 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was nothing more than a dick move by your WS who was only pretending he did it out of honestly. As to why he said it? That's where you need to dig deep -- not trying to find out what the others looked like.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have been trying to emotionally detach myself from him. We started MC and I believe it made things worse. Saying things like I don't need more details because it will only cause more pain. I need to only focus on the here and now and a bunch of other crap. After all that WS stopped doing the things I needed and asked from him. We stopped seeing her. Yes my WS is an ass. I told him I wanted honesty and facts, but the whole "prettier" "really hot" thing" was not honesty because there could have been a way to tell me she was attractive without completely crushing me. Finding out later that he did in fact screw her while we were together made it worse. He has tried to take it back and has apologized a million times saying I'm the most beautiful" blah blah blah. But the first things a WS says and does can be traumatic in itself.

He has yet to fully get it. He has yet to accept it himself. I have given him my dealbreakers but he hasnt acted on them. I don't think he believes I will truly leave, but I will, I'm just preparing myself emotionally. He wants to just move past this. But I cannot. I'm doing pretty good detaching. Usually I have a hard time denying the physical intimacy and last night I even had a few drinks, so the odds were against me. But durring the whole kissy face time I couldn't really "feel it" or get into it. So we stopped and I asked him not to touch me. This has never happened to me before, it felt foreign. it felt so weird kissing and touching him. I really do think this is a sign I am detaching. I couldn't help but think while I was kissing him "why does this feel so weird?" ""Where are all the feelings that are usually flooding my body and heart right now? "I don't want to be intimate anymore, why?"
It was Soooo weird. But in a way I'm proud of myself. I've been with him since I was 15 and I associated our sex with love, not healthy I guess but maybe I'm starting to lose some of the love for him because he doesn't fight for me or his family?


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
inmisery1
♀ Member
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think when you're the "pretty one" you run the risk of choosing someone who values looks over personality. I'm getting old and now I find I did not choose wisely. I think your husband, (everyones husband for that matter), should always see you as the most beautiful, hottest woman in the world, no matter how old you are or what size.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Jan 2011
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inmisery1
Yes I completely agree. Does everyone else or all my friends think that my WS is the hottest guy...he'll no. But I do..or shall I say did. I loved him so much he always was the most attractive person to me. Despite any physical flaws, I actually liked his little flaws its cute and its what made him unique and different. Nobody ever compared.
So my heart just broke when I felt like he didn't feel the same way. He also said that I need to stop comparing myself to OW that it's like they were cubic zirconia and I'm a flawless diamond . I totally freaked out on him saying HE was the one who compared me to someone else, you did it when you saw this woman and even after being "sorry" you still considered her prettier than me. By saying that YOU compared me to OW physically. He apologized and said he never looked at it thay way and he has tried to make me feel beautiful all the time but I just can't get over this. This conversation about OW being "really hot" was the day he confessed.. tomorrow will mark 6 months. and I still can't seem to get past this. I'm trying to learn how to love myself for MY flaws. 2 months ago I was booked for plastic surgery for tummy tuck and lipo and realized I would be the type of person always unhappy. What made me really stop and think was " why is this so important?" I know now that I want a man who sees my stretch marks and thinks they are beautiful because they were from my kids. ( tiger stripes) lol and excepts my flaws the way I would with someone I love. Don't get me wrong my WS has always made me feel the most beautiful, saying he loves every part of me and my flaws. He still says and shows it. It was DDAY and the things he said that day that have imprinted on me.


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
Topic Posts: 9

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