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User Topic: He cheated with whores
swank
♀ Member
Member # 42835
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apparently this isn't all that common around here, but my bf betrayed me for years with prostitutes. I found out 6 months ago.

It's kind of amazing to me that I can write about this fairly calmly now. Time really does take the edge off.

As much as the whole thing disgusts me, after reading a lot of stories here on SI, I wonder if it isn't a little better, in a way. This was purely about sex. There was no emotional connection or romantic entanglement. I don't in ANY WAY mean to minimize the awfulness of what he did but sometimes I think it could have been worse.

He did start a relationship of sorts with one whore, who he saw exclusively for a long time. He's admitted to having some affection for her, but he always paid her, and he knows it wasn't real. He's acknowledged that while at the time he thought she cared about him, he will never know if those feelings were real because he was paying her to do what he wanted.

So in a way, he was having an emotional relationship with me all that time, and a sexual one with them. Does that make it better or easier? Obviously I don't trust him and we are in therapy separately and together. We have some good days, as I posted about this morning.

I should add that he was tested for everything under the sun and came up clean - I saw a hardcopy of the doctor's report.

As I said, this seems to be a somewhat unusual situation - buy if anyone has similar experiences, or advice or thoughts, I'd like to hear.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should add that he was tested for everything under the sun and came up clean - I saw a hardcopy of the doctor's report.

Just fyi....men can't be tested for HPV, so he wasn't tested for everything.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13811 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
swank
♀ Member
Member # 42835
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, everything else, then.

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Healinggirl
♀ Member
Member # 39747
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swank, there are a few of us in here with similar stories. There used to be a separate thread but I can't find it now. Basically, it's a bit different because there was no slippery slope of an EA, but a planned business transaction and they usually have no idea how many they've been with.

In my H situation he had a kind of A because he ran out of money and she was giving it away for free, but as she wanted a 'proper' A he told her he loved her to get into her pants instead. For me, the last one has been far harder to come to terms with than the whores who he only saw for 15 minutes at a time because I thought he really did feel something for her ( he didn't). I've never wanted to know much about the prostitutes, they were just faceless, masturbatory tools.

IMHO, and this is just me, I believe a man has to have very serious issues, be very seriously broken, to go with prostitutes, and that has got to be fixed otherwise it will happen again.

My H was also clean and so was I. I actually thought that was extraordinary, but my doctor told me that sex workers are very clean these days. I just think he was very lucky.

We're 16 months out, H is hugely remorseful and was from the beginning, and, more to the point, he's dealing the reason he did this (replicating child sex abuse).

I think we're going to be OK, the trust is gradually returning, although like most of us on here, it's a case of being a bit more wary. It's certainly possible to get through this, disgusting as it is.


Me 58
WS 58 Sexually abused as a boy
OW Prostitutes in double figures
OW Home wrecking, work-shy, gold-digging secondary abuser

D Day 11 November 2012
Reconciling

You can't scale a mountain in a single step


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He cheated with whores
Does that make it better or easier?

For some maybe, but for me it is more of a deal breaker than an EA or EA/PA with only one.

Many try to quantify the "pain" or whether it is easier to deal with one type of cheating over the other and that is pointless IMO. However, my XH cheated with prostitutes, more than he could ever hope to count. My current H had an A with the one woman, a woman from his past. He cheated on his first wife with this very same woman. Quite different circumstances from my first M, and certainly just as painful, if not more so, to deal with.

However, pain aside, I had to decide whether the situation was something I could live with, forgive, and move on from while staying married to that person. I divorced my first H and I know it was the right decision. How do you trust somebody who lives that kind of lifestyle in secret? You don't. (Just my perspective, of course).

My current H, on the other hand showed immediate and extreme remorse for his A and I felt I had good reason to believe it would not happen again so based on this I decided to forgive him and we are still together, more than 7 years later.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swank, Healinggirl
I bumped the thread in JFO.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 615 | Registered: Oct 2011
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Swank,

I see someone just bumped this thread in JFO but, wanted to post it here as well to make sure you see it. There are many of us here that know what you are going thru.


http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502528


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
swank
♀ Member
Member # 42835
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone, I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this.

Obviously I don't trust him at all right now and he knows it.

I will say that while this was going on, things with us weren't perfect but there was a lot of good. Without that I wouldn't even be trying.
I think for me it's a little easier knowing that it was more of a mechanical thing than an emotional one. Of course it won't be like that for everyone.

I'll go over to JFO and see what's going on there.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 8

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