Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: spaceplease (45329)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does it define you?
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having such a hard time not letting my WH's A define me. I get angry with myself, furious actually - I don't want to be defined by my husband's idiocy and by the tawdry, disgusting relationship that he shared with OW, I don't want any part of that, I don't want to be tainted by their behaviour, I am in no way responsible for what happened and I wasn't even asked if I wanted that in my life - and yet I allow it to define me. I see myself primarily as Betrayed Wife.

I try not to. I try to focus on the things I enjoy doing, on being a mother (and VERY soon a grandmother for the first time!) on all sorts of other things... my work, my home, my pets, the book I am reading, the cruise I am planning... but if you asked me off-the-cuff to describe myself in two words... Betrayed Wife....

Why is that? Do you battle with this too? Does time help with this?


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Itsaclimb,

I totally understand what you are saying! But we Betrayed are not defined by our wayward partners actions. If anything I would say you are defined by your integrity and strength to stay and work it out. I would define you using a different word:

STRONG

Never forget that. You are strong and beautiful. This one event in your life does not define you at all.

How exciting that you will be a grandmother soon! What a legacy! Enjoy it!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering if feeling this way about yourself, that it defines you, is something you just have to do for a while? Have you allowed that to be who you were for any given period of time? Or has it been that way and you want it to stop?

I don't want to be tainted by their behaviour
I don't think this is really possible. It will always be a part of you. It will always effect you to some degree, even if you divorce. There is no way you can completely remove it from your life.

How is R going? Is he doing everything you've asked of him? Is he a driving force in healing your marriage? Could you still feel like a victim because he has not advanced the healing enough to satisfy your needs?

I think the upcoming birth of your first grandchild has the potential to make a big impact in how you feel about yourself. Congrats for the new baby.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1874 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you feel this way. I can relate to this. I still feel this way sometimes. But you are not defined by HIS A. You are defined by being the strong person that you are. For having integrity and good morals. Hugs (((ItsaClimb)))


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband's affair does not define me.

My actions, my strength, my compassion, ability to love, heal, forgive and move on.

That is where I get my definition from.



“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that it did define me for a little while because I allowed it to. Now I define myself as a strong, independent woman who has overcome many difficulties. I am a compassionate, empathetic being who believes in helping others. I do not let his choices, actions or words define who I am, I let my choices actions and words define me. I believe it took quite a long time until I believed in my own self rather than the portrait of me that he was painting.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Itsa,

I'm working very hard on not letting this define me anymore, but it's hard. Through our entire marriage, I almost solely defined myself as a happy, dutiful husband, so it was quite natural to let her mistreatment of me define me just as much.

I have no answer. Just wanted to let you know I'm working on this too.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Jan 2013
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you battle with this too? Does time help with this?

I did, but I don't now. I think time has a ton to do with that.

I am someone who has *been* betrayed, but I don't say that I *am* a betrayed wife.

I know what it feels like to be betrayed, and I can recall those feelings any time I choose, but I no longer live with them on a daily basis.

The betrayal feels more defining the closer you are to it. The further away you get and the more new experiences you fill your life with, the less it's in the foreground. It eventually takes it's place in the background of your life story, provided we allow that to happen.

The new things you are doing, will begin to take their rightful place in how you define yourself.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In some ways it does define me.
It defines how strong I and everyone else is who is able to pull them self together, realize that no matter what it is not their fault that this happen. All spouses have a choice and can do the easy thing or the hard thing. Easy, Divorce, Cheat. The Hard, counseling, work it out, divorce.

I say Divorce is easy if that was the immediate solution from the jump but it can be a hard solution if much thought was to go into it.

My WW had the nerve to post on Facebook, some people take the easy way, referring to her AP.

My conclusion, she took the easy way out.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
omgnome
♂ Member
Member # 36888
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of the experiences have a hand in shaping to become who we are. Everything you have ever lived through and done have changed who you are. You are the sum of your experiences.

What defines you is how you react to your experiences. Say someone on the street comes up to you with a gun and shoots you. Now you are someone who has been shot. That doesn't make you any better or any worse. How do you react to having been shot. Lets say it doesn't do any lasting physical damage, how do you handle it mentally? Do you wallow, not seek help, and live a life that isn't as productive feeling sorry for yourself? Or do you instead empower yourself, work through the new fears and insecurities and arrive on the other side a more positive, secure, and confident person. Do you think "Oh woe is me, I've been shot!" or do you think "There's no way I'm going to let getting shot affect me! That bullet couldn't stop me, nothing can!"

You didn't commit the affair, it was something perpetrated on you. It will define you, but you get to choose HOW it defines you. Does it turn out to be an event that crushes you, or does it become a massive hurdle that you overcome to become a better person?


BS

Posts: 214 | Registered: Sep 2012
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand the idea that this is such an overwhelmingly powerful trauma that has happened in our lives that it can cause us to get "lost" in it and can be allowed to define us. I am only 6 months out but I am trying to focus on the the fact that I am SO much more than a betrayed wife. I am compassionate, open and generous with regard to my gift of being willing to take a chance on reconciliation after such a tremendous hurt. I am an optimistic and loving woman who chooses to look at what I have that can be cherished in my life rather than what is missing and I am so looking forward to my life with a man who is now honest and open, spending his time thinking about us as a team, connected and forging forward on our new adventure united and stronger than we ever were or thought we were; authentic and fulfilled.
OF course this is on my good days; the bad ones, well, that's a different story….

HUGS to you and strength and peace to all of us….


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 642 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel tainted by exposure to my exWBF's behavior too--for playing a part in his disgusting lies by believing them. It's awful.

But I'm still not defined by it, you know? We can only be defined by what we've chosen. What happened to us does not have to do with who we are. It is not the narrative WE determined. That narrative is yours to control--the one where you are a mother, a soon to be grandmother, a traveler.

If you got cancer, would that become your identity? I hope not. It would be a thing that attached itself to you that was not actually part of you. I see this as the same.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely not. It was never about me. It has affected me, of course, immensely, but there has been personal growth as well.

It defined my H in my mind for awhile but I am moving past that.

Still defines OW, IMHO, since she has never owned it to me.

I wish you the best in moving past this; you are so much more.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post--on a bumpy bus ride to NYC for my birthday!

[This message edited by catlover50 at 9:59 AM, March 21st (Friday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Itsa))

my WH's A

That behavior belongs to WH. It is his A and it does not define me. I decide the qualities that define who I am.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 448 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Some very helpful and interesting thoughts here.

I was thinking about your response Karma and it made me realise that many of the regular posters on SI strike me as strong, clear-headed, compassionate, resilient people... that's what defines them in my eyes, which got me wondering why I don't define myself that way - I think it comes down to the fact that I don't really see myself that way YET. Which gives me hope that in time, when I feel more healed, I will perhaps define myself in those terms. Right now I feel kind of shattered and confused, which is probably why the Betrayed Wife cap seems to fit me better.

Through our entire marriage, I almost solely defined myself as a happy, dutiful husband, so it was quite natural to let her mistreatment of me define me just as much.
^^ I think this comes into it too. I have defined myself by my role as wife and mother my entire adult life. So I think that makes it natural to define myself now in terms of what has happened to my marriage. It's something I am going to have to consciously work on. I am so much more than "just a wife", I have to keep reminding myself of that!

The betrayal feels more defining the closer you are to it. The further away you get and the more new experiences you fill your life with, the less it's in the foreground. It eventually takes it's place in the background of your life story, provided we allow that to happen.
Seems like TIME is key in so much of this healing process. And of course the will to actually heal.

All of the experiences have a hand in shaping to become who we are. Everything you have ever lived through and done have changed who you are. You are the sum of your experiences.
What defines you is how you react to your experiences.

^^Love this

We can only be defined by what we've chosen. What happened to us does not have to do with who we are.

^^and this

I decide the qualities that define who I am.

^^ and this.

Thank you!

And Happy Birthday Catlover


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 16

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.