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User Topic: My Story Stranger than Fiction
Xheart
♂ New Member
Member # 41888
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today marks the 19th anniversary of my wife deciding to end her affair. Today also marks 5 years since her paramour took his own life…coincidence?

This morning, my wife told me that she no longer loves him and for the first time in nearly two decades, I am the only man in her heart. I suppose that this should make me feel happy, and it does to some extent however I remain bitter and disillusioned since last October's D-day.

So about her affair, she told me that although she originally intended to have an "exit affair," she ended up staying out of fear that I may kill or otherwise permanently injure him. This idea came to her after I told her that my pal had caught his wife in bed with another man. My wife asked me what I would do if I caught her with another man--I told her that I would chop the guy up in little pieces and they would never find his body.

She stayed with me, but resented me for the last 19 years for taking her away from her "one true" love and soulmate. She went on to say that she believed if she had stayed with him, he probably would not have committed suicide as he would be living a life with her in marital bliss. All this makes me feel like our whole life together has been a total sham, especially since we've had two more children since her affair.

I keep telling her that I really don't believe that she feared me so much, otherwise she would have been too afraid to sneak around with him in the first place. At the time, I was working 4 jobs and taking a double-full-time college class load. Yes, I was one cranky guy who was short-tempered and abusive being extremely stressed, tired, malnourished and frazzled beyond measure. I was poor kid, paying my way through school with student aid, the G.I. Bill and scholarships. Conversely, he was the student body president at my school and one of those rich trust-fund kids. He was easy-going, laid-back and the life of the party.

I introduced my wife to him one day I brought her to campus because I was so proud to be able to attend such a prestigious school. I left them alone in the student center as I rushed off to a class. I had asked him to introduce my wife to some of the female students, hoping that she would make some nice girlfriends. Obviously, he had other plans and later began calling her on the phone when he knew I was not at home. Next, he started coming over to our apartment to visit her and eventually started having sexual intercourse with my sweet virgin bride on a regular basis.

He wouldn't merely buy her one-dozen red roses, he would buy her twelve dozen red roses. In addition, he bought her diamond bracelets, necklaces and rings; designer clothing and anything she desired. Of course, I never saw any of this because she kept these things at his apartment love-nest.

On the weekends as I worked double-shifts and spent the rest of every waking moment studying at the library, she and our baby girl lived a second life at his apartment. She knew my schedule well and had a convincing story whenever something struck me as being suspicious. Perhaps I was gaslighting or just so damned worn-out to even notice what was really happening? In any case, it wasn't until she confessed to me, that everything fell into place and what a weird experience it was!

I want to love her as I once did but I also wish I could just hate her and move on with my life.


BS (me) 44
WW 41
Together 26 years
Married 24 years
Affair Began Mid-October 1994
D-day: Mid-October 2013
Affair End Date: March 20, 1995
OM Suicide Date: March 20, 2009

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Omaha, NE
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother, if she openly admits that she's been using you for the past 20 years, why do you want to stay with her? You don't need to hate her to move on, you just need to pick a direction and start walking.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing wrong with bitter and disillusioned this close to your D day. A knife this deeply buried in your back doesn't simply *poof* into, "thanks, honey, I am so glad I am finally your one and only after twenty five years. I can't tell you how happy I am to finally feel valued!!"

It is lots to process, Xheart. I feel for you, brother. It will be a long road. It is a new wound for you and it takes years to address it. I am sorry.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Xheart)))

I'm so sorry that you have found out the woman you married isn't that woman at all.

I also found out XH led a double life for over 20 yrs of marriage.

My dday was 6 yrs ago we now are divorced but it took me along time to accept the facts that I married and loved him with all my heart. I married for the right reasons but XH didn't.

I feel even more betrayed by XH for his marrying me and not being honest about who he is/was than I was about the infidelity. (It was the majority of our marriage).

I don't know if you will decide to stay with WW but I totally understand how you feel. Everything about our life together was a lie. EVERYTHING !

I chose not to stay with him because how could I ever trust him ?? When he said he loved me after dday, I knew it was a lie like everything else was. I decided I couldn't police him because I didn't feel he was worthy of me.

This all took 3-5 yrs to come to terms for me.
Get a good IC that truly understands infidelity and give your self plenty of time to decide what YOU want to do. It's now your decision even when she made life altering decisions for you.

Whatever you do, don't settle for less than what you deserve. Remember you were in marriage for the right reasons and she wasn't.


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20382 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What prompted her confession?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Xheart
♂ New Member
Member # 41888
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What prompted her confession?

Three reasons:

(1)She looked into herself after OM's suicide and became a Christian. She wants to serve a Christian mission, but her secret past made her feel unworthy.

(2)I got laid off from work last summer and we started really talking for the first time in our entire marriage and grew very close to one another.

(3)She felt as if she would never get over her feelings for him unless she told me the truth.


BS (me) 44
WW 41
Together 26 years
Married 24 years
Affair Began Mid-October 1994
D-day: Mid-October 2013
Affair End Date: March 20, 1995
OM Suicide Date: March 20, 2009

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Omaha, NE
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, in all of those reasons, where are you?

Was there ever a

(4)I felt horrible I deceived my dedicated husband of 24 years and HE deserves the truth?

Other'n than bonding a little, it seems to be all about her feeling unclean before God and her processing feelings for an already dead man?


And, ugh horrible question but I reread your story, you are the dad (a given because that is the most important job) but are you the father?

Xheart- you are a good man. Post here often as you deal with this.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude this is one shitty story. But keep in mind that fear never once entered the picture here. She stayed because she was a cake eating WS. She had the best of both worlds and spent the better part of 2 decades deceiving and lying to you. He took advantage of your friendship, she on the other hand took advantage of your love for her. From where I sit, her transgressions were/are more selfish than his. He simply bought her love and what does that say about her ? He paid the ultimate price for his behaviors. What has she had to endure ? To me the reasons you listed for her confession are nothing more then the same selfish reasons she had the A in the first place. She was/is still thinking from a me, me, me standpoint. And I don't know about what you and the others take her comments as. But for me I interpret her statements as your being someone who was the second best thing. He was dead, she decided to unload her burden and it landed on your shoulders. Its all nice and good that she has found God. But finding faith does not give one a free pass from their destructive life decisions, especially those that obviously hurt others. The slate simply does not get wiped clean because one finds faith. They must atone for those sins and make every effort to make things right when and if possible. You don't get to go from sinner to saint just because you now found god. IMHO her selfish thinking is still firmly in place and unless that changes your doomed for a life of misery if you stay with her. Good luck Bro !!!!


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5718 | Registered: Nov 2007
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Xheart,

I agree with the others. I don't think I could do it. Just now she says you're the one? 20+ years leading a double life. Your Dd Oct. 2013? But ongoing before DD.

She does still sound entitled. I think becoming Christian will just smooth over her true guilt she should have. Instead of it being "you" oriented it'll be God oriented. Where's the "you"? Love for you? Focus on you? To help you heal. To enjoy life with you? She does not get what she's done to you. Sounds like she doesn't have empathy either.

Sorry, I do believe in God, but I'm also seriously realistic.

Hugs, xheart. I don't mean to sound harsh.

Good luck. Keep posting.


[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 7:56 AM, March 21st (Friday)]


Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2011
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And xheart. You're young. You deserve a good life. It takes more work to get it as we get older, regardless. I'm still learning how to lighten my load and I have fewer years left.


Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2011
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning, my wife told me that she no longer loves him and for the first time in nearly two decades, I am the only man in her heart.
Really? What magically made this happen? I don't believe it's sincere.

She went on to say that she believed if she had stayed with him, he probably would not have committed suicide as he would be living a life with her in marital bliss.

She's in an emotional affair with a dead guy.

Honestly-I have to wonder if her becoming religious has more to do with "being closer" to a dead guy in heaven than becoming a better person.

Other'n than bonding a little, it seems to be all about her feeling unclean before God and her processing feelings for an already dead man?
Well yeah-she's got to get into heaven if she wants to be with him.

I wouldn't trust her at all.

What do you want?

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 8:09 AM, March 21st (Friday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1862 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning, my wife told me that she no longer loves him and for the first time in nearly two decades, I am the only man in her heart.

...resented me for the last 19 years for taking her away from her "one true" love and soulmate. She went on to say that she believed if she had stayed with him, he probably would not have committed suicide as he would be living a life with her in marital bliss.

Did she say this in the same breathe? If so, that is very cold and if she has found Jesus and invited him into her heart, she alone should feel that statement say's a lot about who she is and what she think she is doing. I have a feeling, call it a hunch, but Jesus wouldn't want anyone to say something so cold and to last as long as it did and still have feelings after 19 years...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Xheart
♂ New Member
Member # 41888
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...you are the dad (a given because that is the most important job) but are you the father?

Yes, I'm quite sure all 3 are all mine.

...This morning, my wife told me that she no longer loves him and for the first time in nearly two decades, I am the only man in her heart...Really? What magically made this happen?...

I think that she finally faced the fact that her feelings for her AP was based on fantasy and not on reality. She said that he was "perfect" to her, never hurt her at all in any way and she left him on a high-note. She finally faced the fact that he went on to become an International Playboy, being strung-out on booze and premium cocaine while screwing young British girls on a Mediterranean island--not the wonderful man she believed him to be.

She stayed because she was a cake eating WS. She had the best of both worlds and spent the better part of 2 decades deceiving and lying to you. He took advantage of your friendship, she on the other hand took advantage of your love for her.

It was this very thought that prompted me to begin this topic. I've tried, but could never buy her story that she was so afraid that I would harm her AP that she left him on his knee, in tears, holding an engagement ring.

Where's the "you"? Love for you? Focus on you? To help you heal. To enjoy life with you? She does not get what she's done to you

I wonder the very same thing. Whenever I try to express my pain to her, she turns it around on me that I was abusive and terrible to her 19 years ago. I agree that she should have divorced me and that I did not deserve her love back then, but the problem is that she stayed and covered up her A for years and years after it ended. She told me that she loved both of us equally. Makes me wonder if she ever really love me at all.

Honestly-I have to wonder if her becoming religious has more to do with "being closer" to a dead guy in heaven than becoming a better person.

She says that she no longer believes this but when she fist set eyes on her AP, she thought an "angel" told her that she was meant to be with him. She also said that she once hoped to bargain with God that she could be married to both of us in heaven. She says that she now realizes that there is no marriage in heaven according to scripture and believes that the "voice" came from the devil or something.


BS (me) 44
WW 41
Together 26 years
Married 24 years
Affair Began Mid-October 1994
D-day: Mid-October 2013
Affair End Date: March 20, 1995
OM Suicide Date: March 20, 2009

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Omaha, NE
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I'm quite sure all 3 are all mine.

Good!

It is good that the devil made her do it and that all the responsibility resides with a demon.

This is probably why it is still all about her- because she must have been miserable cavorting with the devil and the ex-AP. Not her fault.

Of course, every mean thing 19 years ago is why it happened. You know. Because of the devil.

I know you know, but it must be resaid-

Her affair is her choice and decision.

She lied to you for 25 years.

She will not accept responsibility and will blame anything else- including demons and you.

She will not acknowledge your pain because you are a patsy who does not matter beyond providing for her and being dad... until sort of now. Just not enough to amend for the damage she caused.

She acknowledged his pain- on his knees crying with ring in hand!! Oh. Ok. Suicide she could have prevented if she'd just chosen him...

But what about sacrifice to create and build a better life for a family, for her, for the littles, for you?

I am sorry. Ugh.

You deserve more from her. You deserve more.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said that he was "perfect" to her, never hurt her at all in any way and she left him on a high-note.

I think she's still attached. Notice how she claims things were "perfect" when they were together but later (when he was with other women that were not her) he fell off some pedestal. Her doing it with him is fine, him doing the same thing with others is not okay with her.

The thing is-things weren't perfect when they were together. He's a man that would wine and dine a friend's wife behind his back. He was a man who screws married women. He was far from perfect and so was their relationship. She still thinks her + him = happy and she can't have that attitude and be devoted to you.

She says that she no longer believes this but when she fist set eyes on her AP, she thought an "angel" told her that she was meant to be with him. She also said that she once hoped to bargain with God that she could be married to both of us in heaven. She says that she now realizes that there is no marriage in heaven according to scripture and believes that the "voice" came from the devil or something.
I don't know.. she doesn't sound like she's playing with a full deck of cards.

She's not some suicide savior and their relationship was built on deceit, lies, and betrayal. Your wife is still attached to him. Don't trust her.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1862 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of advice that would be helpful. But your topic title reminds me of a Mark Twain quote that is fitting to many stories on this site. It is "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."

Of course the tittle itself is taken from a twain quote along the same lines.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 497 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um...why do you want to be with her? What's the upside for you?

What you report says she's all for herself and no one else ... she does not sound at all like decent partnership material.

She thought (thinks?) she would have lived in marital bliss with this guy? What possible basis in reality does she have for this line of thinking?

You were a prick when you were under tremendous stress? Well, doh! Did she ask or demand that you change? Did she tell you she was at the end of her M rope? Did she start D proceedings? Those are appropriate responses to your being a prick. Having an A and blaming you for the A's end for 19 years are inappropriate to the max.

There are lots of ways to get help figuring out what you want to do. One approach is to post on SI. Another is IC. Another is MC, and that could be helpful in learning whether or not your W can and will shift from 'me' to 'us'. Meditation may help, Talking to friends may help.

My bet is, if R is a real possibility for you, IC is the best way to start. A good IC can help you isolate and capture all the thoughts and feelings that are going through your head. Then the IC can help you figure out what you want.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Xheart
♂ New Member
Member # 41888
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your insight and advice!

I agree that this is all more about her than it was about us.

I have always felt very, very fond of her and love her despite all the bull I have to put up with. Not to mention that she is just so damned good looking -- not only the hottest woman I know, but the hottest woman out there PERIOD. She's like a several notches above Hollywood-hotness and it's nice to be the envy of every other guy.

Sure, she had a 5-month affair on me and it hurts like HELL, but at least she seems genuinely remorseful and is really making an honest effort to restore our marriage but I remain frightened that she might hurt me again...or that I'll find out that there's more than she's not telling me.

I am concerned that my fears, my low self-esteem and those horrible mind-movies will never go away.


BS (me) 44
WW 41
Together 26 years
Married 24 years
Affair Began Mid-October 1994
D-day: Mid-October 2013
Affair End Date: March 20, 1995
OM Suicide Date: March 20, 2009

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Omaha, NE
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am concerned that my fears, my low self-esteem and those horrible mind-movies will never go away.

Have you considered IC? A good IC can help resolve self-esteem issues, and if you get that back, you'll probably resolve a lot of fear and mind movies.

Do you discuss your M issues with your W? If not, or if the discussions don't resolve the issues, have you considered MC?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Xheart
♂ New Member
Member # 41888
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since D-day, I immediately entered into both IC and MC with WW. I like my IC, but have been focusing more on family-of-origin issues lately than on the A. He believes that a large part of my low esteem issues stems from familial problems magnified & reinforced by being cheated on. Probably true.

Yesterday, we had our first meeting with our 3rd MC. We've had some issues with finding an MC that works for both of us.

MC #1 (first weeks after D-day): Just pack everything up and "throw it out in the trash and forget it" because it happened so long ago.

MC #2 (about three months after D-day): "You can see how you pushed your wife into [the arms of another man] can't you?"

MC #3 (5 months after D-day): TBD


We have been talking non-stop since she first confessed and have really grown closer -- closer than I ever thought possible.

I feel pretty good about our chances to R, but feel as though I've lost something very precious that can never be returned to me. I feel a great pressure inside myself like I'm supposed to do something big but I can't figure this out exactly. Does anyone know of a dragon to slay?


BS (me) 44
WW 41
Together 26 years
Married 24 years
Affair Began Mid-October 1994
D-day: Mid-October 2013
Affair End Date: March 20, 1995
OM Suicide Date: March 20, 2009

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Omaha, NE
Topic Posts: 28
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