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Newest Member: losttrust1231 (44270)

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User Topic: Spidey sense going off. Or paranoia.
Stronger4it
♀ New Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure we are in R. We have good days and bad days.

Today is not a very good day. H is out of town working. I've noticed a great deal of activity on an App that we use to communicate at home and when abroad. It is also the method they used to communicate when they were involved. And after.

I can tell when he is online and when she is online. He has told me they have not had contact at all in 6 months. I believe him. And I would like to verify this. Especially today.

I have had contact with the OW on several occasions. Once immediately after DD, a few times (text) over the last year. She has been honest. And I have not been bat shit crazy. Civilized conversations really.

I would like to ask her if they are chatting again. When was the last time they talked or had contact. And I would like to know if the fact that the will be working together again (for a few weeks) is going to be a problem.

Should I ask her in person? Text? Ask H? Just trust they aren't and that its a coincidence?

And am I prepared to do what if they are.


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get this I really really do. My H conducted his A out of town, and even though we were clearly in R, and he was kind supportive, transparent, honest I would still trigger like crazy any time he had to travel for work. It SUCKED.

I would wonder, and I would snoop, and I would make myself a bit batty with suspicion initially. What I found was a big help was to focus on how he was acting now, as opposed to the stark contrast in his behavior during the A. He would answer texts, he would send me pics of his room, his food, send loving messages or pics. That helped to put me at ease. I can say I really don't even trigger when he travels anymore.
But sister if I saw any of the behaviors and actions I saw during the A, I would be on the next plane to wherever he was. Or I would go into super stealth mode, and make sure my suspicions were correct, and have proof prior to confronting. Personally if he ever cheated again, confrontation would come with D papers.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I would like to know if the fact that the(y) will be working together again (for a few weeks) is going to be a problem.

Pardon me????

[This message edited by twisted at 1:32 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Stronger4it
♀ New Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. He is being pretty good. Maybe I'm just feeling edgy because I don't want to relax. I was relaxed while he had a 2.5 year affair. I don't want to miss the red flags I missed before.

Or maybe I am trying to look for something, any betrayal large or small that I can hold up and say "Look! This! This is why we are splitting up!!" and not have to face the realization that he simply doesn't love me any more. After all, how could he have an affair if he loved me? How could he love her if he loved me? Now that she is (probably ) out of the picture, is this all we are left with?


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
Stronger4it
♀ New Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They work together 2 twice a year. 2 month contract coming up. (how they met) and later in the year, away for a weekend. They do not have to interact at work.


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would speak to your WH, not to the OW.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3713 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They work together 2 twice a year. 2 month contract coming up. (how they met) and later in the year, away for a weekend. They do not have to interact at work.

I don't think so! This is a woman he's being screwing? I'm afraid he needs to find away to not to be put in this position, maybe he needs to take you with him, or find another job.

As an semi-impartial outside observer, I think you are taking this entirely too lightly.
After you get busted in an affair, you're guilty until proven trustworthy.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Stronger4it
♀ New Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would I prefer that he not take this contract? YES! Are we in a fiscal position to turn down work? Nope.

Taking me to work is not an option. While I am younger than him, I do not think I would qualify as a kid (as in take your kid to work day) ; )

Taking me on the trip? Well I'm not sure I would want to go. Sitting in his room like a gargoyle waiting for him to return to make sure he is alone. Not my style. I'd like to be at a place where he doesn't fool around because he doesn't want to. Not because his significant other is watching him so carefully it's impossible for him to do so.

Maybe I am taking this lightly. But things have been so heavy for so long.

At a certain point we have to let them be able to demonstrate that they are trustworthy. Don't we?


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will find the term "Trust but verify" used here.

A lot.

From all indications, the evidence is more than overwhelming here.

Remember, a big part of A's is opportunity. And they have it in loads.

Does it hurt? Sure. Is it fair? No.

I suggest you plant a VAR in his car. Then perhaps you'll know for sure.

ETA: Oh, and for the record, my spidey senses were NEVER, EVER wrong.


AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 5:08 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A divorce is going to be more expensive than him NOT going out of town where OW is going to be and NOT accepting this contract.

There will probably be a day in future years where this won't be necessary, but it's so early, so I'd get a PI for my own protection in the city where they are going to be.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1967 | Registered: Jan 2012
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you thought him trustworthy, I doubt you'd be here now. I'm a cynical bastard, so forgive me while I play Devils advocate.
The question is do you give him the rope to hang himself with, or sit down and have a talk about it that might expose your sources of information.

I certainly understand why your spidey sense are tingling, mine would be too, and I've learned to pay attention. OK, I'm probably paranoid too. Maybe more info.

I've noticed a great deal of activity on an App that we use to communicate at home and when abroad. It is also the method they used to communicate when they were involved. And after.

And after? What is he doing still in contact with her?
I can tell when he is online and when she is online. He has told me they have not had contact at all in 6 months. I believe him. And I would like to verify this. Especially today.

You believe him, that's your call depending on how he's been acting and your situation. Would he have admitted otherwise?
I have had contact with the OW on several occasions. Once immediately after DD, a few times (text) over the last year. She has been honest.

I wonder if they got together so they got the story straight. You believe a woman that's screwing your husband is being honest with you? Again, if she was still screwing around with him, you'd would expect her to tell you? I'd never trust the OW. Ever again.
And I have not been bat shit crazy.

A little bat shit crazy isn't necessarily a bad thing. It reminds people there are consequences for their actions, of undetermined rationality.

Good luck


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstly (and gently):

I'm pretty sure we are in R. We have good days and bad days.

Are you in R or not? You can't think you are in R...R is hard as hell to begin with! I don't know how you would approach it if you aren't even sure you are in R...??

I would like to ask her if they are chatting again. When was the last time they talked or had contact. And I would like to know if the fact that the will be working together again (for a few weeks) is going to be a problem.

The way I see it is, you shouldn't have to be asking the OW these things, not this far out from DDAY (is your DDAY May 2013 when you registered?) NC means just that, for both of you. NO CONTACT. Every time you contact her it lets her know that she is STILL a factor in your relationship! On top of that, she owes you nothing. Your husband is the one who owes you honesty, and the one who you granted a second chance, not her.

If he was using an APP to communicate with her (which one was he using?) then he should delete this app and use a different one. I'm sure there is another one just like it. Do you have access to all his e-mials/cell phone bill/social network?


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I could not live like this. Once and for all you have to do your due diligence and go full PI mode. I think you will confirm what you already suspect. And then be done. And No do not call OW. First it will throw off any reliable PI work and secondly, at this stage of R (if it's true R) you shouldn't even be contemplating talking to an OW. Obviously your WS either.

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jul 2012
Stronger4it
♀ New Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK there is a reason I posted in this forum. And I'm glad I did. I got what I wanted and it was not (((hugs))).

And just to clarify: I think I am in R, because I'm not sure of anything anymore. I thought I was in a monogamous relationship, but I wasn't. I thought I was in R (from DD for 6 months) but I wasn't. I was separated for 6 months (that, I was actually sure of). Then he moved back, made most of the changes I asked, the important ones anyway. So here I am. R is not perfect. some days are not great and yesterday was one of them.

It's been 18 months since DD and less than a year since I found this site. I made some errors in the beginning and I wish I had found this site earlier.

I'm not going to go the PI/VAR route because I do not want to live like that. That is no way for him to live, or me. When we decided to R, I decided I was going to work towards forgiveness and trust.

I thought of all sorts of ways I could catch them out. Lies I could tell either one of them to find out the truth. In the end I asked him, and was provide with a lot of reassurance. (enough that I could eat and enjoy a good nights sleep). Honesty on both sides.

I'm glad I did not contact OW. She has been useful to confirm information on the 3 times I have contacted her, but I really think her time as a factor in our relationship has to be terminated. That is what I have to work on.

I know some of you think I am easy or trusting, or even a door mat. But H knows the consequences of breaking NC. And I am willing and able to follow through. But if he does, it's because she is so compelling that he is willing to lose his family, well I can't fight that can I? Or maybe he just wants out. Then go. No PI can change that.


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you afraid of?


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't imagine you'd get any more honesty out of HER than you would him. Quite honestly, her loyalties lie with him and if they ARE in touch, she's doing it because she wants to. Your peace of mind is NOT more important to her than fulfilling her own needs.

I just don't believe she's got your best interests at heart - ever. She's got her own.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1564 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Stronger4it
♀ New Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What am I afraid of?

Being betrayed again.

Giving up too early.

spiders.



Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
Stronger4it
♀ New Member
Member # 39372
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And people you are right. Get the OW out of my mind. She is taking up too much valuable real-estate .

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I'm having a better day today. After all it is International Happiness day!


Me BS 46
Him WS 48
Together 18 yrs
Daughter 9
DD Nov 13/12
Today ?

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 18

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