Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: madboomer (44576)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dealing with Inlaws?! Stories, advice..help
Hopetosurvive98
♀ Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im certain most of us have in-law stories both pre and post A. I have been in-law hell for well...our entire relationship. Im posting this today because they are due for a 5 day visit next week and since I found this out Ive been in daily dread since. I am so full of dread and I have given up after 15 years of anything ever changing but what I need to do is know the best and most eloquent way to deal with nasty,rude, judgmental assholes. Please wise SIers advise and/or tell me your stories! Below is just a few (really, this is the tip of the iceberg of what ive been dealing with) instances of my situations so that you get the idea of what I have been dealing with. So it is so long.

Ok, the very first day I met my future MIL she was rude to me-refused to shake my hand, and has since referred to me (privately, of course) as a "groupie" (H is a former pro athlete). So basically she hated me from day 1. Reasons...I had nothing in common with H, I was from a divorced family, I was not catholic, I was not Italian, I was from the opposite end of the country,etc. I was doomed. I could go on and on pre marriage about how brutal she was to me but I wont. But I will say I was told on the eve of our wedding by family and friends alike that they thought I should run and not marry him simply because my MIL was too cruel.
We got married-MiL wore black as she was in mourning (I wont address how she tried to take over the wedding to the point were the planners threatened to quit). We had our first baby and purchased our first home. They visited and when H wasnt around she would tell me that the new house was my H's and not mine (we were in process of painting, etc) and she would tell me that I wasnt allowed to pick paint, etc without his prior approval since it was not mine, she said "my son has worked too hard for this house to allow you to ruin it." That evening after a horrible afternoon I went to feed our newborn and I heard her sitting my kitchen telling H that none of his family or friends like me and never have, that I am trash, my family is trash, that they all will never accept me. I rushed out and yelled at her to get her "shit straight". She literally ran off crying and called her entire family that instant and left immediately the next morning. After that my H received a phone call from his parents stating after my outburst "the only acceptable resolution is divorce." Yep, sound good so far?
This sort of thing never stopped. It was always awful and Ive always dreaded their visits. I cant get the house clean enough. She is always making snide remarks about my cooking, how I raise my children, the way I eat, anything!
Ok sorry this has gotten too long! The A was discovered in September of 2011. My H had a 3yr LTA (another story) I kicked him out and now im getting phone calls from dear MIL. She calls and this is what she says "Well, I didnt raise him like this but it is totally understandable. I mean I could totally understand this if this was a nice girl from home that he had alot in common with. But not this woman (OW looks like a used up porn star and is several years our senior) He cant bring her home and introduce her to his family, his grandmother!" In these moments Im out of the marriage-we are getting a D in my mind so I listen to her justify his A and BLAME me for it and just dont care as I think this is OW problem now. She calls me again after I am filing for a D. This is the conversation "well since you cant make it work I really do not think it is anyones business what happend. Really, nobody will care about that. I think we all need to just simply say that you guys didnt have anything in common and it just didnt work out." To which I reply "I think I will tell everyone who asks the truth." Then she tells me that I will hurt his career and the children if I tell the truth and she tells me I need to understand my fault in this. She tells me that I didnt get along with H's family (true-because of how cruel they were to me, I never was mean or rude to them I just avoided too much time with them)She tells me we had no common interests and that I was trying to make him into something he was not (really, no idea what the heck she is talking about. I tried so hard to fit in with him and his family-but failed). Anyhow you can see she blamed me for the A and hoped I could rugsweep so she could save face as they are all about appearances of family perfection and perceived wealth. They have visited twice since the A and both have been uncomfortable and my tolerance is so much more limited now. Last time she was here she advised me that I need to hire a cleaning lady because I wasnt keeping up with my house (I am borderline OCD with cleaning so this constant not clean enough thing pisses me off) and her and FIL always come in and take over. My husband in our 15 years together has never stood up to them for me-not once. This is a major problem. He is avoiding them and that is how he is dealing with it. So I so full of dread and anxiety over them coming. Dread because I know they will be rude and horrible and also because if my H fails yet again to stand up for me it will be very bad for our R as I already hold so much resentment about how he has allowed them to treat me.

Thank you if you read this novel. I appreciate anyones experiences, advice, etc. They arrive next week and Im almost sick with dread.


Me: BS 34
Him:WS 35
DDay 9/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 40, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, why have you not told her to go F herself yet?
Seriously. She is about to not have any ties to you soon. She can stay in a hotel and pick the kids up for a visit.
I wouldn't even entertain her crap. I would either hang up (if she even got lucky and I answered the call), or tell her to go F off.
Don't make excuses to her or give her explanations. Promise, she is not listening to you anyway so anything you say is a waste of breath on your part.
Why do you feel you need their approval? That is what you need to be asking yourself. Why is it so important that others approve of you? Don't you approve of yourself? From the outside looking in, you seem like you could love and appreciate yourself a lot more. Entertaining idjats like them is a waste of your time. Your time could be better spent healing yourself and loving yourself some more.
You KNOW he is the asswhole, and you KNOW his family follows suit. I wouldn't want idjats like them giving me advice or opinions.

FTG and his family.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Hopetosurvive98
♀ Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you stilllivin, FWH and I are in R and truly it has been going very well over the past two years with a bump here or there. This issue is one of the big ones though.
You hit it right on the head asking why I need their approval. I have come to a place where I do not feel that need anymore. I think it goes back to my broken family. My father was a cheater and my childhood was an insecure mess. I had no relationship with my grandparents as one side was abusive and cut off from the family and my mothers parents decided to treat me like the devils spawn because of who my father was. When I saw my H's big Italian family I had dreamed of being part of that big family and all that I thought that meant. I also so badly wanted my children to have a good relationship with their grandparents. Therefore I continued to jump thru hoops to gain the inlaws approval. I thought when I graduated college they would accept me, then when we got engaged, then when we got married, then surely when we had kids...and it never happend. I have given up trying to get them to accept me as I know they will not and quite frankly I hate them and do not want to be in that family. But they come around to visit the kids maybe twice a year and are good to them. All said I need to stand up for myself and love myself enough to not be treated like that. I guess I was always hoping my FWH would take the reins and deal with them as when I did stand up to them it made my life worse.
I have alot of thinking to do before their visit. Thank you for your advise and insight and you are very right this problem is with me allowing it.


Me: BS 34
Him:WS 35
DDay 9/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 40, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, had a difficult, MIL, but not a witch like yours. This is clearly an issue that you fWS needed to address, immediately and forcefully. There must be NO disrespect to you, his wife, and the mother of his children. He has to man up and speak up for you and tell this awful woman that she will NOT be welcome is YOUR home unless she understands this.

There is no excuse for him to allow anyone to treat up this way. Mother or not.


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3367 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you and your husband in MC after the affair? If so you really should talk about this with the counselor.

The bottom line is he is responsible for his family. You shouldn't have to deal with anyone who will treat you that way and it is something that he immediately should handle.

You are 100% whiten your right to tell her, "You have no right to talk to me that way. I will not tolerate it."

If what you are saying is 100% true you are being attacked and abused by his mother. He needs to man up.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 400 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG I thought you and H were getting D. Seriously, HE needs to set them straight or he'd be heading straight out the door.
My now STBXH had the aunt/witch from hell. I'm no slouch, but the first time I met her I didn't defend myself hoping he would. He didn't. When we left his family's house, I made it clear that there would NEVER be a repeat of the meek and mild me. If he didn't handle it, I would.
She muttered something the next time, and he stepped up to the plate. I was just HOPING he would sit that one out too. I was ready to kick her fat ass out of my house.
It is your H's responsibility to ensure his other half, feels safe and protected. If he doesn't, then yes, blast her ass and tell her to get the F out of your house if she can't respect you.
You need to have a very serious conversation with your husband and his failing his responsibilities to his wife and the mother of his children. Those rooms have double beds and WS can fit on one of them real good if he can't man up and step up to the plate.
You deserve better, but you won't get better until you insist.
Oh, and fair warning. MIL is used to your meek and mild act, the look on her face if you have to send her packing will be priceless. P.R.I.C.E.L.E.S.S!!!!!
(((HUGS)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy cow she sounds like the wicked witch! Black at your wedding-it's not your house-blaming you for the affair doesn't surprise me but she is nasty. Like a transmitted disease nasty.

Your husband needs to grow some balls. Have you ever looked into Mother Enmeshed Men? There is a good book called When He's Married To Mom. They call mother enmeshed men MEMs and many mems have affairs. Look into it. They are trying to rebel against their mother's control and then they project that control problem onto you, the wife.

I know the book won't help the upcoming visit. I think I'd MAKE him do something. Tell them to stay elsewhere, tell his mother he won't allow her to criticize you anymore, but that's all probably way out of his ability. If you want to R it really sounds like he needs big therapy help. I hope you've made it a requirement.

YOU are suppose to be the #1 lady in his life, not his mother. I can't believe you have put up with it for 15 years!


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand where you are coming from. I had the MIL from hell too. I put up with her for 26 years until the D because I wanted our kids to have a close relationship with their grandparents.

Even after the D I have encouraged our grown sons to visit and be involved with their grandparents (the only ones they have now that my parents are gone). But, she has shown her ass to them as well. She has effectively ruined any relationship that has been built over the years. They don't like her and they don't want anything to do with her. And she did that ALL on her own.

So, when evaluating this situation in light of your children, think about this: You are teaching your children that it is ok for their grandparents to treat you poorly and with disrespect. They have to EARN a relationship with your kids, it is not a given. And the first step in that is to treat their mother (you) with respect.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7665 | Registered: Aug 2005
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is clearly an issue that you fWS needed to address, immediately and forcefully. There must be NO disrespect to you, his wife, and the mother of his children. He has to man up and speak up for you and tell this awful woman that she will NOT be welcome is YOUR home unless she understands this.
There is no excuse for him to allow anyone to treat up this way. Mother or not.

^^^This! Just my opinion but if your WH doesn't put the hammer down now with his family they WILL continue to drive a wedge between you and him. He needs to decide who is no 1 with him. You and his family or his Mother. He married YOU not his Mother. If he is unwilling to do this then NOTHING will ever change. It has to suck to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

IMO, you should tell your MIL to go FUCK HERSELF. She has never respected you and likely never will. No ONE is EVER going to be good enough for her child and your WH is acting very much like a boy by not standing up to her. So tell him he can either tell her what the rules are in your HOME or you can tell her what they are and not so politely tell her to get her ass back on the plane/train/bus and go right back home. She isn't going to like you anyway so stop being polite to her.

Just my 2 cents, either way I wish you the best and hope the visit goes smoothly and quickly.

ETA: I personally have no problem telling people off when they cross a line. You are not me so maybe it isn't the best idea to actually tell your MIL to actually go F herself but you definitely CAN and SHOULD stand up for yourself even if your WH won't.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:53 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1876 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope...
I certainly understand your feelings...I had the world's most difficult MIL (she has since passed away after 20 years) so I thankfully do not need to deal with things anymore.

I have several pieces of advice for you based on my learning....
1. Get a game plan between your H and you
2. Do not allow them to stay in your house- you need the break if they visit- do not allow them to refuse- hell- have your H say he booked the hotel for them
3. Your H needs a pair of balls - HE is the one who needs to tell his mother how she will treat his wife from this moment onward- only he can do this- and you cannot be anywhere near that conversation or you will get the blame- practice in advance together what to say and how to handle her reaction.
4. Things will ONLY get better if your H tells her like it is.

My mother had a very difficult MIL (my grandmother) and there were digs all the years of their M... my parents had a united front and it was always handled together- my father had to start it it tho...

I had a horrible MIL- she tried to break us up when we were dating. After he bought a ring she told him he should date other girls- and it did lead to manipulation and a breakup of the engagement. After Marriage the only thing saving me for years was 1,000 miles! But then we moved home and it didn't take long and my H dumped me again! After that last dumping I will say he finally stood up to her and finally laid down the law for how things would be. She did become much better after that- because she did not want to lose her son!

Everything to put them in their place MUST come from your H- and not you or they will get worse. he should approach it as you (his wife) is his choice and they need to accept this if they want to be part of his life and that of the children..... have a heart to heart with your H- he needs to grow up and finally tell his parents like it is!

he needs to tell them that they personally do not have to like you... but they do need to respect you and treat you well as the mother of their grandchildren. They should be told to talk to you nicely and hold a quality conversation without digs or degrading. they would likely treat a stranger they sit next to on an airplane better than they have treated the mother of their grandkids! And that is so sad! And he needs to put his foot down with the talking behind your back to other family members- this is his life and his decisions. He needs to man up and tell them. He should have done this years ago!


Posts: 1177 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Hopetosurvive98
♀ Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! Thank you all for these responses. Ive been stewing on this upcoming visit for several weeks and as the time approaches it is constantly taking up space in my mind. It is amazing how writing out a very small amount of the cruelty and insanity that my in-laws have brought into my life brings it altogether. I cannot believe what I have put up with and too afraid to deal with.
scaredycat-thank you and you are right. I know this. He needs to deal with her and not allow the disrespect. I am at a point that if he cant do this it will seriously harm our R. I cannot deal with them in this capacity anymore. Thank you.
wodnships-My husband has been in IC since 6 months before I found out about his A so it has been over 2 years. Even prior to that I was in IC and we did MC to deal with his family. He is continuing his IC and I am demanding he goes early next week before they arrive so he has a solid plan in place to deal with them. I also need a plan too because I am not 100% certain I can rely on him to deal with it when it comes up. He (and I) hate confrontation. Plus we both know the dramatics that will follow if he does confront her.
Stilllivin- Thanks again. Yes, I kicked him out on DDay and subsequently retained and attorney and prepared to file. It was at that point my FWH asked to R and offered to sign a very strong postnuptual agreement. R has been good-as good as it can be. He has been doing everything right but dealing with his parents creates terrible stress and anxiety for me and for him too truthfully. I know he is just waiting for her to do somethiing cruel and his father to say something stupid.
You are right, standing up to her would be priceless but I have done it before as I described in OP. She sat in my home and berated me while I fed our newborn in a separate room. I, in a state up exhaustion, stormed out and said many things I do not even recall. She started crying and ran off and called her entire family and told them about how I "attacked" her. She left and H was called and told that after my "outburst the only acceptable solution was a divorce." So that is how they deal with being confronted.
Btrayedwife- A witch has nothin on her! I have not heard of that book, thank you for the suggestion! I will absolutely be looking for that. He has a lot of resentment towards his parents and his mother in particular. She is so over the top judgmental and he has said she has never, not once, liked one of his friends in his life. Nobody has ever been good enough to be with him or in her life. She treats everyone rudely and like she is miles above them.
I plan to take your advice and everyone elses and have a serious chat with FWH. He needs to do something, plain and simple.
Newlease- thank you, you are so very right. I am so focused on trying to give them the relationship with their grandparents that I never had and have lost sight of the cost and other messages it sends. It is very interesting that your MIL ended up showing her true colors to your children. Im sure when mine are older they would pick up on the little digs she makes towards me and how horrible I feel when they are in the same air space. They are little 3, 5, 8, right now. They get so excited for the visits and I always fear ruining that for them. I can clearly see your point and that this is teaching them its ok to allow others to be disrespectful of you, in this case in my own home. Ive got to stop this mess.
7years-It absolutely sucks to feel uncomfortable in my own home. Its gone on for so long I think Ive gotten used to it. At least telling myself to just survive the visit and then I wont need to deal with in for another 6-12 months. Ive learned to just deal with it. I used to always think it might be different the next time but it never changed. I am over that train of thought as I know it will never change. She is a miserable person and that wont go away. 7yrs the one time I stood up to her all hell broke loose and it really created a year of a nightmare for me since she told everyone I verbally attacked her. The entire family dislikes me and this made it worse. I do have fears of telling her to F off (it would feel so good though). I havent stood up for myself with regards to them in so long that I am not even sure what would happen as a result, and not sure I care anymore. Getting them out of my life would be actually be nice. But I do not want to keep my kids from a relationship with them. Really, it is so bad that I fear leaving them alone with my kids as who knows what she says about me.
wanttogoforward- Thank you. I will be sitting down tomorrow at lunch and making a game plan with my H. I am just hoping it sticks. You see MIL is so sly that she does most of her attacking when we are alone. I have since learned to not be alone with her, but that can be a challenge. Nonetheless we will be making a plan and consequences too (like the in-laws get removed from the premises.) You are also right that things will not get better until he does something about it. I really feel it does need to come from him. I am tired of being the villain and he sits back and says and does nothing. I think until they hear him put them into their places they will continue. Truly if he did stand up to them I am sure we might never see them again. MIL doesn't like to be corrected or told anything. When someone upsets her-even family-she disowns them and never looks back. She is a sweet thing. So I am not sure it would work how it did with you and your MIL as she didnt want to lose her son, mine can cut people off quickly and easily I know she doesnt want to lose her son but I am certain she believes she can get rid of me and I will be the loser if a fight is picked, she better be wrong. You are so right that this effort needs to start with him and we need to be a united front. If not this will continue to be very damaging to our M and I simple refuse to continue to deal with this BS forever. I feel very done with this situation. Thank you.


Me: BS 34
Him:WS 35
DDay 9/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 40, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Hopetosurvive))))) I have to say you are a better person than I am. I had a wonderful mother-in-law who completely sided with me during my ex's affair and subsequent divorce. We stayed in touch until she passed away. I will always be grateful to her.

My mother is like your mother-in-law. My brother is a pedophile, has had more affairs on his wife than you can count and is physically and verbally abusive and a bully. And my mother will defend him no matter what. No matter what he does it's his wife's fault or my fault or my sister's fault who by the way was one of his sexual abuse victims from the age of 8 to 10. I barely speak to my mother. And I haven't laid eyes on her since she wanted to bring my brother to my daughter's wedding three years ago. When I said no she didn't attend her own grand-daughter's wedding so as not to offend him. This is an illness. It cannot be reasoned with so don't try.

My sister had a mother-in-law like yours. As a result my sister was never really treated like part of the family. For a long time I thought my sister was exaggerating. I thought she was seeing his family through the prism of our own mother's total disregard for her and I. But then there were several deaths close together in her in-laws' family. I went to the wakes and funerals. It was eyeopening. The first one was her father-in-law's, the second her brother-in-law's and lastly her mother-in-law's funeral. There were hundreds and hundreds of pictures of the family at all three. My sister was in exactly one picture. She wasn't even in the ones taken at her own house. And when it was time for the immediate family to say goodbye privately before the closing of the casket, they shoved my sister out the door. She'd been married to her husband for over 25 years and still wasn't considered part of the family.

Her other brother-in-law and sister-in-law jumped on the bandwagon of contempt for my sister early on at their mom's encouragement. Her husband never did a single thing about it. Then he cheated on my sister. They have reconciled. And it was finally my sister who put her foot down where his family is concerned and she confronted particularly her sister-in-law directly. I think the affair gave her the guts to do that. It was sort of a "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore moment." It was amazing how many flat out lies SIL was told by her mother regarding my sister. And because of my sister's sexual abuse and rejection by my mother, she assumed that all the nieces and nephews who are now young adults felt the same about her. I told her it was unfair to make that assumption and that she should ask them. She did and was astonished to find they all thought she was being unfairly judged by their parents all those years and that they loved her. Confronting her SIL was the best thing she ever did. And her husband, seeing she was the one with the balls in the family, has now decided to man up and defends her at the slightest hint of contempt.

So I'm thinking you need that mad as hell moment.
When MIL shows up stand up to her when she starts something with you. Don't wait for your husband to do it. What have you got to lose? You deserve respect particularly under your own roof. And if she doesn't want to give it, call her a cab. You aren't going to change her, but you will be giving your husband a clear message. You are done being the doormat under everyone's shoes. Strength can be very attractive.


Posts: 304 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
stupidgurl
♀ Member
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have dealt with a lesser degree of rejection from the in-laws myself so I totally understand your frustration. You sound like you want to make things work, so what has worked for me is sitting down and talking things out in a calm way. Let's just say when they first get there, put the kids to sleep and you, them and your H sit down and talk, he needs to back you up too, if he does not your position is not going to appear as strong. But just talk about how they have hurt you, don't bring up every incident and give a laundry list, but just express how you feel and how you wish things could be. Your H needs to express that despite his actions he is going to be with you on a long term basis and they need to respect you if they wish to have a good relationship with him and the children, you are part of the package that is your H.

That was one thing that my in laws did not understand, that my H was not just him, it was me him and our kids, they cannot continue to exclude us from a relationship with him, and needed to work harder to have a relationship with me.

Have they done it, no. I am the one calling and emailing some of the bigger a-holes in the family, and they still do invite just him. But I can at least say I tried to be the bigger person. Trust me I did my share of yelling, and all I got was yelling back to me. WTF is wrong with some people, who freekin knows, some people are just a-holes.


me WW-31
him BH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

R


Posts: 128 | Registered: Sep 2012
JanetS
♀ Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My MIL (God rest her soul hated me. Well, she hated a lot of people, but for some years she hated me more than most people.

Why? Well according to her "she's from Toronto" (she's from Hamilton, so what was the point????). And I was married before. And I was confident. And I was pretty (decades ago).

When H told her we were getting married, she said (in front of me) "if you marry HER, then don't bother coming here for Christmas". And it went on and on. In the end, her favored child was not there in the hospital (and she lived near, I didn't)... it was I who was there, long days, rubbing her back. Sad really, she lost an opportunity. There is so much more to tell, but my point is made. She was mean.

My H, to some extent, dealt with her. Not really enough, but better than nothing.

Your H cannot continue to allow her to erode your relationship with him (and that is what is happening, you are rightfully resentful).

You've been given wonderful advice here. Maybe let him read the responses.



Posts: 2562 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in an interracial relationship. I'm white. My husband is black. His mother has hated me from day one...22 years ago! She makes "joking" comments about my color, my age because I'm 3 years older than him, my cooking, the fact that i breast fed my kids, etc, etc. Before his affair and our subsequent separation I put up with her shit, trying to be the good daughter-in-law.

I talked to her exactly one time during the separation. Told her she was welcome to call the kids anytime on the landline. Told her that I had always loved her son and her family overall. She told me to "Get over it. Men come and go." My job was to take care of her grandsons. After that, I swore I would never take anything off her again.

He moved home a year ago. This past Christmas guess who decided to visit us for the first time ever! We always travel to her for Thanksgiving but didn't this past year. I told my husband that she would absolutely not ruin my Christmas. I also brought my Grandma out to visit. MIL started her antics immediately! I shut her down! When I had to work on the 26th, my Grandma got her when she started talking about me to my husband. It was bad enough on the 27th that i actually left my house and went back to work at 7:30 pm just to cool off. When i came home, my H and i got into a huge fight about her. I finally told him that after what he put me thru, I will never take any shit from her or anyone else. That HE needed to prioritize his responsibilities to ME and put her in her place. On the 28th, she started and apparently he finally defended me! My Grandma said he was awesome. The rest of her trip was uneventful after that...and she actually wants to come back this year.

My point...just like everyone else has said, if you And your husband do not confront her as a united front, nothing will ever change!

(hugs)


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give that bitch a bucket, mop, and pull up a chair.

Seriously, fuck her. Let her show you how the cleaning should be done.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7501 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Hopetosurvive98
♀ Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to thank each of you who have taken time to respond to me. Your advice, insight, and support means so much to me. I am reading every response over and over. When I started this topic today and had to pick a few situations I dealt with it made the floodgates of memories open wide. There has been so many instances of disrespect and in some cases flat out cruelty from my inlaws. It is primarily mil but fil is involved and my sister in law is in it too. I look back and cannot believe what my H and his family have put me through over and over again.

I didnt mention before that this upcoming visit was not even discussed with me. The inlaws expressed interest in coming to my H, he told me that and that alone. Weeks go by and I inquire about the topic and then I'm told that they are in fact coming out and flights are booked. I let it slide but it bothered me that they all made this decision and my opinion wasn't asked for. Today I thought about this and feel very angry! His family has been vile and cruel and he knows the dread I deal with when they are coming here, and yet my thoughts and feelings weren't needed in this decision. I'm not happy.

Anyhow, I plan to respond to everyone as I've gotten such amazing advice here. Thank you to everyone who shared personal experiences too. I'm sorry to all who deal with a similar situation. I sure have alot of thinking to do. Thank you all so much.


Me: BS 34
Him:WS 35
DDay 9/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 40, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
justme29
♀ New Member
Member # 41284
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a terrible situation. I'm thinking they get a hotel. Or you take the kids and go to a hotel. I can't imagine how you can stand to be in the same city. They didn't discuss the visit with you. You should have the same "respect" and not discuss your plans with them. Say - I almost forgot I already had plans for that time.

I can't imagine going to anyone's home and acting even remotely like that.


Justme
BS - 49
WH -50
Married 30 years.
2 daughters, 1 granddaughter.
D-Day 11-14-11
Why am I still here?

Posts: 40 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Idaho
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, can you have a family emergency suddenly pop up? One that requires you to leave town for a week? I, too, have vile inlaws and my h wouldn't confront, either. I finally told him that he had to have a come to Jesus with them and he did. Even recorded it. We have since pretty much cut them off due to the drama. Sometimes it's the only way.
You seem like a lovely person. They, however, are just hateful. They will take your extended olive branch and beat you to death with it if possible. Honey, don't extend any more olive branches. Seriously. Aren't you battered and bruised enough? TRUST me! Btdt. A lot.
Hugs to you. Keep posting. It does help. We're here for you.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1172 | Registered: Jun 2007
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My oldest daughter is going through this...minus the cheating part. She is about to marry a young man she has been dating for years. They have lived together for years quite happily. They even lived with his parents for a year. She has tried very hard to fit in, including trying to learn their language, but then, a couple months ago, the mother in law to be began waging a nasty campaign to get the entire family turned against the wedding. The entire family had been so loving with her although I kept seeing one huge flaw: they were constantly wanting her to change her appearance. She doesn't look proper enough for their hoity toity lifestyle. We are a rather eclectic family and we look quite exotic. My daughter would respectfully try to tone it down a bit but there's only so much she can do with her liberal tattooing etc...but they just kept on and on and on, upping the requests. This bothered me on a number of levels. Now, everything is a complete nightmare.
Her son has been brow beaten yet adored his entire life so at first, he began bowing to the sudden pressure. Then the miracle began. This 24 year old guy who is a bit shy, a bit backwards and very used to being yelled at into submission...well, he began to grow the proverbially missing balls. I love him but I told my daughter that if he didn't step up to them, protect her and stop their bullshit towards her AND himself, she needed to send him packing, instate the 180 and not engage him until he had his priorities straightened out because it wouldn't stop until HE decided it was over.
To his absolute credit, he immediately stepped up without any threat on her part. It is so hard to watch him have to grow up in one big, painful swoop but I am so proud of him.
So...with regards to your husband, he needs to shut that woman down. Daddy too. He is far too old to be pandering to that crap and as a spouse, he needs to be demanding respect for you as his wife and mother of his children. Period.
I know you've already heard this so I will simply wish you good luck. You sound like a beautiful woman and you deserve to be treated as a Queen, even if only of your own house and home. :)


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.