Ok, the very first day I met my future MIL she was rude to me-refused to shake my hand, and has since referred to me (privately, of course) as a "groupie" (H is a former pro athlete). So basically she hated me from day 1. Reasons...I had nothing in common with H, I was from a divorced family, I was not catholic, I was not Italian, I was from the opposite end of the country,etc. I was doomed. I could go on and on pre marriage about how brutal she was to me but I wont. But I will say I was told on the eve of our wedding by family and friends alike that they thought I should run and not marry him simply because my MIL was too cruel.
We got married-MiL wore black as she was in mourning (I wont address how she tried to take over the wedding to the point were the planners threatened to quit). We had our first baby and purchased our first home. They visited and when H wasnt around she would tell me that the new house was my H's and not mine (we were in process of painting, etc) and she would tell me that I wasnt allowed to pick paint, etc without his prior approval since it was not mine, she said "my son has worked too hard for this house to allow you to ruin it." That evening after a horrible afternoon I went to feed our newborn and I heard her sitting my kitchen telling H that none of his family or friends like me and never have, that I am trash, my family is trash, that they all will never accept me. I rushed out and yelled at her to get her "shit straight". She literally ran off crying and called her entire family that instant and left immediately the next morning. After that my H received a phone call from his parents stating after my outburst "the only acceptable resolution is divorce." Yep, sound good so far?
This sort of thing never stopped. It was always awful and Ive always dreaded their visits. I cant get the house clean enough. She is always making snide remarks about my cooking, how I raise my children, the way I eat, anything!
Ok sorry this has gotten too long! The A was discovered in September of 2011. My H had a 3yr LTA (another story) I kicked him out and now im getting phone calls from dear MIL. She calls and this is what she says "Well, I didnt raise him like this but it is totally understandable. I mean I could totally understand this if this was a nice girl from home that he had alot in common with. But not this woman (OW looks like a used up porn star and is several years our senior) He cant bring her home and introduce her to his family, his grandmother!" In these moments Im out of the marriage-we are getting a D in my mind so I listen to her justify his A and BLAME me for it and just dont care as I think this is OW problem now. She calls me again after I am filing for a D. This is the conversation "well since you cant make it work I really do not think it is anyones business what happend. Really, nobody will care about that. I think we all need to just simply say that you guys didnt have anything in common and it just didnt work out." To which I reply "I think I will tell everyone who asks the truth." Then she tells me that I will hurt his career and the children if I tell the truth and she tells me I need to understand my fault in this. She tells me that I didnt get along with H's family (true-because of how cruel they were to me, I never was mean or rude to them I just avoided too much time with them)She tells me we had no common interests and that I was trying to make him into something he was not (really, no idea what the heck she is talking about. I tried so hard to fit in with him and his family-but failed). Anyhow you can see she blamed me for the A and hoped I could rugsweep so she could save face as they are all about appearances of family perfection and perceived wealth. They have visited twice since the A and both have been uncomfortable and my tolerance is so much more limited now. Last time she was here she advised me that I need to hire a cleaning lady because I wasnt keeping up with my house (I am borderline OCD with cleaning so this constant not clean enough thing pisses me off) and her and FIL always come in and take over. My husband in our 15 years together has never stood up to them for me-not once. This is a major problem. He is avoiding them and that is how he is dealing with it. So I so full of dread and anxiety over them coming. Dread because I know they will be rude and horrible and also because if my H fails yet again to stand up for me it will be very bad for our R as I already hold so much resentment about how he has allowed them to treat me.
Thank you if you read this novel. I appreciate anyones experiences, advice, etc. They arrive next week and Im almost sick with dread.
FTG and his family.
There is no excuse for him to allow anyone to treat up this way. Mother or not.
The bottom line is he is responsible for his family. You shouldn't have to deal with anyone who will treat you that way and it is something that he immediately should handle.
You are 100% whiten your right to tell her, "You have no right to talk to me that way. I will not tolerate it."
If what you are saying is 100% true you are being attacked and abused by his mother. He needs to man up.
Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
Your husband needs to grow some balls. Have you ever looked into Mother Enmeshed Men? There is a good book called When He's Married To Mom. They call mother enmeshed men MEMs and many mems have affairs. Look into it. They are trying to rebel against their mother's control and then they project that control problem onto you, the wife.
I know the book won't help the upcoming visit. I think I'd MAKE him do something. Tell them to stay elsewhere, tell his mother he won't allow her to criticize you anymore, but that's all probably way out of his ability. If you want to R it really sounds like he needs big therapy help. I hope you've made it a requirement.
YOU are suppose to be the #1 lady in his life, not his mother. I can't believe you have put up with it for 15 years!
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
Even after the D I have encouraged our grown sons to visit and be involved with their grandparents (the only ones they have now that my parents are gone). But, she has shown her ass to them as well. She has effectively ruined any relationship that has been built over the years. They don't like her and they don't want anything to do with her. And she did that ALL on her own.
So, when evaluating this situation in light of your children, think about this: You are teaching your children that it is ok for their grandparents to treat you poorly and with disrespect. They have to EARN a relationship with your kids, it is not a given. And the first step in that is to treat their mother (you) with respect.
Sending strength and peace.
This is clearly an issue that you fWS needed to address, immediately and forcefully. There must be NO disrespect to you, his wife, and the mother of his children. He has to man up and speak up for you and tell this awful woman that she will NOT be welcome is YOUR home unless she understands this.
There is no excuse for him to allow anyone to treat up this way. Mother or not.
IMO, you should tell your MIL to go FUCK HERSELF. She has never respected you and likely never will. No ONE is EVER going to be good enough for her child and your WH is acting very much like a boy by not standing up to her. So tell him he can either tell her what the rules are in your HOME or you can tell her what they are and not so politely tell her to get her ass back on the plane/train/bus and go right back home. She isn't going to like you anyway so stop being polite to her.
Just my 2 cents, either way I wish you the best and hope the visit goes smoothly and quickly.
ETA: I personally have no problem telling people off when they cross a line. You are not me so maybe it isn't the best idea to actually tell your MIL to actually go F herself but you definitely CAN and SHOULD stand up for yourself even if your WH won't.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:53 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]
I have several pieces of advice for you based on my learning....
1. Get a game plan between your H and you
2. Do not allow them to stay in your house- you need the break if they visit- do not allow them to refuse- hell- have your H say he booked the hotel for them
3. Your H needs a pair of balls - HE is the one who needs to tell his mother how she will treat his wife from this moment onward- only he can do this- and you cannot be anywhere near that conversation or you will get the blame- practice in advance together what to say and how to handle her reaction.
4. Things will ONLY get better if your H tells her like it is.
My mother had a very difficult MIL (my grandmother) and there were digs all the years of their M... my parents had a united front and it was always handled together- my father had to start it it tho...
I had a horrible MIL- she tried to break us up when we were dating. After he bought a ring she told him he should date other girls- and it did lead to manipulation and a breakup of the engagement. After Marriage the only thing saving me for years was 1,000 miles! But then we moved home and it didn't take long and my H dumped me again! After that last dumping I will say he finally stood up to her and finally laid down the law for how things would be. She did become much better after that- because she did not want to lose her son!
Everything to put them in their place MUST come from your H- and not you or they will get worse. he should approach it as you (his wife) is his choice and they need to accept this if they want to be part of his life and that of the children..... have a heart to heart with your H- he needs to grow up and finally tell his parents like it is!
he needs to tell them that they personally do not have to like you... but they do need to respect you and treat you well as the mother of their grandchildren. They should be told to talk to you nicely and hold a quality conversation without digs or degrading. they would likely treat a stranger they sit next to on an airplane better than they have treated the mother of their grandkids! And that is so sad! And he needs to put his foot down with the talking behind your back to other family members- this is his life and his decisions. He needs to man up and tell them. He should have done this years ago!
My mother is like your mother-in-law. My brother is a pedophile, has had more affairs on his wife than you can count and is physically and verbally abusive and a bully. And my mother will defend him no matter what. No matter what he does it's his wife's fault or my fault or my sister's fault who by the way was one of his sexual abuse victims from the age of 8 to 10. I barely speak to my mother. And I haven't laid eyes on her since she wanted to bring my brother to my daughter's wedding three years ago. When I said no she didn't attend her own grand-daughter's wedding so as not to offend him. This is an illness. It cannot be reasoned with so don't try.
My sister had a mother-in-law like yours. As a result my sister was never really treated like part of the family. For a long time I thought my sister was exaggerating. I thought she was seeing his family through the prism of our own mother's total disregard for her and I. But then there were several deaths close together in her in-laws' family. I went to the wakes and funerals. It was eyeopening. The first one was her father-in-law's, the second her brother-in-law's and lastly her mother-in-law's funeral. There were hundreds and hundreds of pictures of the family at all three. My sister was in exactly one picture. She wasn't even in the ones taken at her own house. And when it was time for the immediate family to say goodbye privately before the closing of the casket, they shoved my sister out the door. She'd been married to her husband for over 25 years and still wasn't considered part of the family.
Her other brother-in-law and sister-in-law jumped on the bandwagon of contempt for my sister early on at their mom's encouragement. Her husband never did a single thing about it. Then he cheated on my sister. They have reconciled. And it was finally my sister who put her foot down where his family is concerned and she confronted particularly her sister-in-law directly. I think the affair gave her the guts to do that. It was sort of a "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore moment." It was amazing how many flat out lies SIL was told by her mother regarding my sister. And because of my sister's sexual abuse and rejection by my mother, she assumed that all the nieces and nephews who are now young adults felt the same about her. I told her it was unfair to make that assumption and that she should ask them. She did and was astonished to find they all thought she was being unfairly judged by their parents all those years and that they loved her. Confronting her SIL was the best thing she ever did. And her husband, seeing she was the one with the balls in the family, has now decided to man up and defends her at the slightest hint of contempt.
So I'm thinking you need that mad as hell moment.
When MIL shows up stand up to her when she starts something with you. Don't wait for your husband to do it. What have you got to lose? You deserve respect particularly under your own roof. And if she doesn't want to give it, call her a cab. You aren't going to change her, but you will be giving your husband a clear message. You are done being the doormat under everyone's shoes. Strength can be very attractive.
That was one thing that my in laws did not understand, that my H was not just him, it was me him and our kids, they cannot continue to exclude us from a relationship with him, and needed to work harder to have a relationship with me.
Have they done it, no. I am the one calling and emailing some of the bigger a-holes in the family, and they still do invite just him. But I can at least say I tried to be the bigger person. Trust me I did my share of yelling, and all I got was yelling back to me. WTF is wrong with some people, who freekin knows, some people are just a-holes.
2002/3 (him) EA
Why? Well according to her "she's from Toronto" (she's from Hamilton, so what was the point????). And I was married before. And I was confident. And I was pretty (decades ago).
When H told her we were getting married, she said (in front of me) "if you marry HER, then don't bother coming here for Christmas". And it went on and on. In the end, her favored child was not there in the hospital (and she lived near, I didn't)... it was I who was there, long days, rubbing her back. Sad really, she lost an opportunity. There is so much more to tell, but my point is made. She was mean.
My H, to some extent, dealt with her. Not really enough, but better than nothing.
Your H cannot continue to allow her to erode your relationship with him (and that is what is happening, you are rightfully resentful).
You've been given wonderful advice here. Maybe let him read the responses.
I talked to her exactly one time during the separation. Told her she was welcome to call the kids anytime on the landline. Told her that I had always loved her son and her family overall. She told me to "Get over it. Men come and go." My job was to take care of her grandsons. After that, I swore I would never take anything off her again.
He moved home a year ago. This past Christmas guess who decided to visit us for the first time ever! We always travel to her for Thanksgiving but didn't this past year. I told my husband that she would absolutely not ruin my Christmas. I also brought my Grandma out to visit. MIL started her antics immediately! I shut her down! When I had to work on the 26th, my Grandma got her when she started talking about me to my husband. It was bad enough on the 27th that i actually left my house and went back to work at 7:30 pm just to cool off. When i came home, my H and i got into a huge fight about her. I finally told him that after what he put me thru, I will never take any shit from her or anyone else. That HE needed to prioritize his responsibilities to ME and put her in her place. On the 28th, she started and apparently he finally defended me! My Grandma said he was awesome. The rest of her trip was uneventful after that...and she actually wants to come back this year.
My point...just like everyone else has said, if you And your husband do not confront her as a united front, nothing will ever change!
Seriously, fuck her. Let her show you how the cleaning should be done.
I didnt mention before that this upcoming visit was not even discussed with me. The inlaws expressed interest in coming to my H, he told me that and that alone. Weeks go by and I inquire about the topic and then I'm told that they are in fact coming out and flights are booked. I let it slide but it bothered me that they all made this decision and my opinion wasn't asked for. Today I thought about this and feel very angry! His family has been vile and cruel and he knows the dread I deal with when they are coming here, and yet my thoughts and feelings weren't needed in this decision. I'm not happy.
Anyhow, I plan to respond to everyone as I've gotten such amazing advice here. Thank you to everyone who shared personal experiences too. I'm sorry to all who deal with a similar situation. I sure have alot of thinking to do. Thank you all so much.
I can't imagine going to anyone's home and acting even remotely like that.