Topic: It doesnt even phase him...?
Member # 42768
| Posted: 12:19 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
It has not even been two weeks after i found out my husband was living a lie and told him we could not stay married. At first he asked if we could talk things out, I said no. Within 2 days he was telling me he changed his mind and wants a divorce (I have never waivered on wanting a divorce since finding out). Even though I am the one who insisted on it, I am very sad and heartbroken. I asked for some space. A few days alome maybe. First he made a spectacle out of setting up a bed in his boys' room and sleeping there. Then he took his kids and went out of town. He has been living it up since he left. sports games, day trips, movies, etc. All of the things I always tried to get him to do when we were together and he never wanted to. He doesn't appear sad or sorry for his actions in the slightest. What is his deal? Is he trying to hurt me more by showing me our marriage was so easy for him to get over? Is he trying to make my kids and I jealous of how great of a time they are having without us? Or is he just thrilled to be done with me? ONCE AGAIN, I JUST DONT GET IT.
Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 40229
| Posted: 1:06 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
What is his deal? Is he trying to hurt me more by showing me our marriage was so easy for him to get over?
You basically answered your own question. His widdle ego is hurt that you had such conviction in D and not wanting to R.
So, he is lashing back out at you like a child having a tantrum.
My oldest son basically ran away (he was 18) from home. He went off to college in a mantrum. He wouldn't take calls (we only made two and then stepped back from the situation) for about a year. He talked about how much fun he was having, he spread lies about us as his parents, and made it a point to compare how much happier he was now that we weren't bossing him.
In reality, he was sad because he thought his family didn't chase him enough before giving up. His feelings were hurt, he acted immaturely.
Lesson: People that are truly happy don't have to announce to the world how much better off they are. When one is truly happy, they are at peace and contented with just being.
Ignore him like the child he is acting like. Don't let him know his behavior is hurtful, that is exactly what he wants. Carry on with the D proceedings as if nothing were amiss. He will act out worse at first. Then, as he sees his actions get no response, things will calm down after a while.
In time, his actions will declare loud and clear that you are better off without this childish individual. You will see that he wasn't worth all the hurt.
[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:06 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]
I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 42581
| Posted: 2:42 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
Your husband was living a lie so he's good at compartmentalizing different parts of his life. He use to turn off the fact that he was cheating and go home to you. Now he can turn off the fact that he's headed for divorce and go do...whatever.
My point is. His history has been not facing his reality. So I'm not surprised.
I'm so sorry because it must hurt terribly.
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
Posts: 1538 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Member # 41298
| Posted: 2:54 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
A common theme here is all we can do is heal ourselves. There is NOTHING we can do to manipulate or justify our WS.
I'm thinking he's more than a total dick weed for abandoning his children.
Heal you, heal them, f*&k him!
Lawyer up, go to IC, read the healing library and get ready for the rest of the journey.
Me: BH (43) Her WW 41
She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!
Posts: 214 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Member # 32258
| Posted: 3:00 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
Unremorseful WS's detached from their betrayed spouses a long time ago when they started the A or they were never truly attached in the first place. He likely doesn't have TRUE feelings left to actually be sad about. He rationalized them all away even before he started his A.
You on the other hand loved your husband so you still have feelings and it takes time to let go of those feelings. At the end of the day there is nothing you can do to understand why he did what he did or how he can do what he is doing. You can only focus on you because it's the only thing you can control. With time things do get better. All of us are making it and so will you. Just keep focusing on you. Trying to figure him out just takes you further and further down the rabbit hole.
BH = Me
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.
Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 42092
| Posted: 3:22 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
I'm sorry. When someone decides to behave with no integrity, all bets go out the window. Trying to figure this out will make you crazy (It nearly made me crazy I think and sometimes still does!) because you can't make sense out of nonsense.
You have to block him out as much as possible and focus on you. His show of happiness has no real authenticity because he has no authenticity. You hurt know because you do. It sucks, but it also makes you far happier and better off in the long run.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 8873
| Posted: 4:19 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
Continue the 180.
Reality will eventually set in. Dealing with the kids for a fun week is one thing. Sleeping in the boys room will quickly lose its charm.
The pain and cost of a divorce will show itself it many ways.
If, in the end, is really is so easy for him to walk away, there was nothing left worth saving anyway. Count yourself lucky.
"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 34827
| Posted: 6:35 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014|
Whatever his reasons are, he's hurting you and your kids. If its not intentional, he's clueless as to how to treat people, if its intentional, he's a cruel asshole. Selfish and self centered either way. Try to focus on yourself and your kids. I'm sorry this is happening but you will make it through.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Posts: 4935 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
|Topic Posts: 8|