After D-day, I was shocked as I never imagined my W was capable of doing such a thing. I had no idea and when she confessed it brought my world crashing down all around me in an instant. In time, I wanted to get my hands on this OM and I had never felt such rage in my life. Fortunately, he was 2000 miles away and there was no way for me to confront him face to face. My WW committed to NC and was a model wayward showing much shame,remorse, sorrow and guilt for what she had done. We started to R shortly thereafter and have made amazing progress and continue to even now. But all my hurt turned into rage against the OM and it felt like he got what he wanted and walked away with no consequences. I am a strong believer that actions have consequences so I started trying to figure a way to find my justice.
The only card I had to play was exposure. After D-day, I made a phone call to the OM's father who had travelled to my house for an event six months before. I told him what his son had done and he was shocked and in disbelief. He immediately called his son which lead to the OM contacting my W and accusing her of contacting his dad and he was pissed at her. He didn't realize it was me who had called his dad but the damage had been done. Suddenly, my W didn't think this guy was so great anymore since he turned on her and talked to her so nasty. The A was instantly snuffed out and NC has not been broken since that day.
The next thing I did was contact his employer which is a huge corporation. A HR legal investigator called me and we had a phone interview. I asked her if his actions represented the company's values and she said definitely not and that his actions would be handled internally and that they would not contact me about their decision which was understandable. I'm not sure what happened with this but if it was brought to his attention from his employer it made me feel a little better.
The next exposure I thought was fitting was to use his main tactic against him....FB. I found a picture of him with several of his buddies who were tagged in the picture. Then I set up a new FB account with a fake name sent friend requests to the friends who were tagged in the picture. Since they were all military guys, my profile was set up as if I was a fellow military member and my picture was a famous military photo. All I needed was one friend to accept the friend request and I ended up getting three to accept. I then went on one of his closest friends timelines and wrote a detailed account of what the OM had done with my W and included all the details. I tagged the OM and his buddy also. So in a matter of seconds approximately 500 of his friends and relatives knew what he had done. I obviously did not use my WW's name or my name. Within ten minutes, I got a message from one of his ex-girlfriends and she was very happy that I had done this and told me that he routinely uses FB to approach women and had done the same thing with many others in the past. And then another former girlfriend messaged me and she was glad I had done this as well. Then both of these girls told me they were going to contact him and read him the riot act for what he had done. That very night the OM called me himself. At first he had an attitude as if this was some sort of game that I had started and said to me "Game On!". But somehow I kept my cool and calmly told him this was no game and there was not an untrue word written. He made a couple more threats of retaliation but when I remained calm and calculated the air completely left his sails. He was very upset that I had exposed the truth and told me that I had ruined his life but quickly began to tell me that he deserved all of it and that he would have done the same had he been in my shoes. He then began to apologize profusely and told me that there was nothing he could ever do in his life time to make up for the pain he caused me and my family. He continued to apologize for fifteen minutes and nearly broke down telling me how much he F'd up and how it was wrong and blah, blah, blah. He told me that he knew I probably had many questions to ask him and for me to ask anything I wanted and he would answer them honestly. I told him I knew enough details and didn't need anymore from him. He told me that he would never contact me again and seemed sincerely sorry for what he had done. I did this FB thing a couple of weeks ago and my D-day was in May 2013.
My rage instantly left me and it was a huge step forward for me personally to have him apologize like a man (finally). As you can imagine, I hate FB and realize that many A's are born there. But I was glad to use FB as my main weapon as he had used it in his pursuit of my wife. Exposure is the very best weapon any BS has in his/her arsenal and, as you can see, it can be used very effectively to kill an A and also to finally get some justice. At first I wanted to kick his ass but then realized what I really wanted was an apology. Now the toxic feelings of violence and revenge have left my head and I can focus all my energy on R.
I dressed really nicely and asked for a meeting with her firm president. I came in, read from my script and said I had an email ready to go to each partner, of which I pressed send on my phone the minute I walked out of that office.
Life got very difficult for her. Tough shit. She called the police and they called me and told me to knock it off.
It is a way for the BS to get back some power and justice and I don't regret it for one moment. But most importantly, it stops the affair and allows the WS time away from the drug to get out of the fog. None of this I would have known had I not spent time here and been a WW myself.
Good job Gman1!
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
I did similar. I told OW husband who filed for D and full custody and won. So, she lost her child. Then I sent a letter to her place of employment, and she was so embarrassed she quit. Then I told the whole church, and she moved from our town. Yep, the affair wasn't the high point in her life.
What did the OM want to happen in the end? Did he want your W to divorce?
The OW in my situation wanted to marry my WH. She wanted custody of my kids. She wanted to steal my whole life. So, I think it's appropriate consequences that she lost hers. If it would've gone on another couple of months, I'm sure it would've worked out in her favor.
But now, I won the "prize" of keeping my WH, and I'm not sure that is really winning after all. It's not great.
You were treated like Pearl Harbor, and you returned and dropped some major bombs on Him. I wonder if I should follow this example as well.
The day after he left the reunion, he met up with one of his ex-GFs and busted a move on her the next night. She told me all about it on FB and about how he tries to find vulnerable women and work his way into their beds as well. If there is one thing I can teach my daughters it is to not be naïve. There are many dogs out there that will do or say anything simply to get laid....and it makes me sick.
A "concerned" citizen contacted several board members of the non-profit he directed and explained that he was using grant money to fund an affair and non-profit equipment (cell phone and computer) to conduct unsavory elements of the affair.
The citizen then gave them dates to check hotel and dinner expenses. They were also reminded that all electronic communication should be backed up if they were in compliance with the rules and guidelines of the grants they received and they could easily verify the truth.
They were also told who the affair partner was and that they could see many pictures of her in pornographic situations- and dates were given if they happened to be searching to verify.
They were also reminded that those things would be visible if there ever was an audit. Those things would be VERY embarrassing.
Then, they were informed that it would be a shame if a concerned citizen was forced to contact the regulating agencies regarding the misuse of funds and equipment purchased with those funds. This probably would not happen, they were told, if they dealt with these horrible infractions in a decisive manner.
Oddly, he was gone in less than a week- and not just from the job, but from the whole state.
The citizen liked that result.
Danger warning: he is a private IC in the Las Vegas area, now, so if you live there, be careful.
I took her out into our shop, asked the other employees to stop working, and said " everyone tell skankface goodbye. I fired her because she and wxh are in love.". Buh-bye.
One of my finer moments.
Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
Ex wife and myself had hired the OM and his company to do some work for us. Of course I later found out that the A had already been going on, so that's how ex wife suddenly had a recommendation for a contractor. So, after dday, I went to OM's office to address his mixing personal life and work. He was not there and when his secretary asked if she could take a message I gave her a doozie. I told her that he needs to stop screwing my wife and passing along his diseases. I turned around and left the office without waiting to see how far her jaw dropped. I later filed a complaint with the proper, governing agency who monitors contractors. I also told his wife what had been going on.
When it came time for me to present my case to the proper authorities, the OM did not even have the guts to show up. Of course the ex wife probably told him I am a crazy and horrible husband. But, he is basically scared of me even though he is twice my size. I would never lay a finger on him but he doesn't know that. I love the fact that I can walk around our town with my head up high. He, other the other hand probably has to live his life looking over his shoulder since we live in a smaller area.
"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall
Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.
WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013
Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?
As I could not go anywhere near her or OM they basically did as they pleased all on my dime. But a strange thing happened when my attorney had the home PC analyzed by a forensic expert. Thousands of e-mails and chats between XWW and OM. Mostly sexually explicit as OM liked to jerk off to dirty talk. But there was also communication between them on the night of my arrest and subsequent days afterward. He was boasting of how lucky I was that he did not kick my ass, he also stated in writing that he struck me first and encouraged her to pursue the lie of DV charges as it kept me "out of their hair" They had a nice exposing conversation about what had gone on and their lies to the authorities. I thought BINGO I'm exonerated. But the wheels of justice grind slowly and it took a few more months before my charged were dismissed. But during this time I went over their communication with a fine tooth comb. Seems OM was using his workplace e-mail address to send his dirty talk. Sometimes they did it during work hours and even spoke of trysts in his office while on company time. He also spoke badly of his own BW claiming the usual player bullshit of "She's crazy, have not had sex with her in years, only stayed with her for the kids etc" He also boasted of being this fine upstanding family man who coached the church sponsored little league and actually bragged about having other affairs with other co-workers and some of the kids he coached mothers from the LL. And my XWW still thought he was the best things since toilet paper.
Anyhow when my legal troubles were behind me and the RO had been lifted I was then able to do what I pleased. Filed for D, forced the sale of the marital home and made three nice packages containing all of the written communication between OM and my XWW. The stacks were about 4 inches thick with some serious dirt on them. One was mailed to his BW, another to their employer and the third to the church where he was such a fine example of a family man. To my chagrin his BW who was oblivious to the A tossed his ass out and he in turn threw my XWW under a bus. He was subsequently fired for using firm e-mails to send sexually explicit material to a subordinate. As the XWW only used her personal e-mail account she was not fired, but OM BW made sure the whole place knew who the office whore was. And her career basically died the day I exposed them. For some unknown reasons she decided to stay there an additional 2 years but never got a raise or promotion. And the best part was that OM was asked to resign his coaching position and other church duties he liked to use as a smoke screen for his behaviors. Last I heard from him was when he called me crying to please back off. How sorry he was and to think about his handicapped children. I did inform him that he did not have a concern for his children or mine for that matter when he was fucking with my life. But he begged and I relented as I did enough. Came to find out later that he did not have any handicapped children. That one of them had ADD and that's was about it. So he used his kids once again to get himself out of a mess. But I was satisfied with the consequences they both had to endure. I would have liked it if the courts would have charged them with lying about that night. But they did not and my attorney suggested I leave it at that. So the same e-mails that he loved to pleasure himself to also were his downfall. So I can really relate to what you did my man. Well done my friend, well done.