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User Topic: Live by the sword die by the sword
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like many other BS's here, I had a feeling of intense rage against the OM and his role in pursuing my W. In my case, the OM was the son of one of my FIL's war buddies who she met at one of my FIL's veteran reunions in 2012. The OM sent my W a friend request on Facebook shortly thereafter and began his campaign of messaging her on FB. He lives on the other side of the country and is divorced as his ex-W cheated on him. My WW suffers from depression and was in a dark place last winter while he waged his campaign and his attention soon made her feel like someone was paying attention to her and an online EA began. She was obviously to blame as well for allowing herself to accept his advances. The EA turned into a weekend PA when the both met at the reunion in April 2013.

After D-day, I was shocked as I never imagined my W was capable of doing such a thing. I had no idea and when she confessed it brought my world crashing down all around me in an instant. In time, I wanted to get my hands on this OM and I had never felt such rage in my life. Fortunately, he was 2000 miles away and there was no way for me to confront him face to face. My WW committed to NC and was a model wayward showing much shame,remorse, sorrow and guilt for what she had done. We started to R shortly thereafter and have made amazing progress and continue to even now. But all my hurt turned into rage against the OM and it felt like he got what he wanted and walked away with no consequences. I am a strong believer that actions have consequences so I started trying to figure a way to find my justice.

The only card I had to play was exposure. After D-day, I made a phone call to the OM's father who had travelled to my house for an event six months before. I told him what his son had done and he was shocked and in disbelief. He immediately called his son which lead to the OM contacting my W and accusing her of contacting his dad and he was pissed at her. He didn't realize it was me who had called his dad but the damage had been done. Suddenly, my W didn't think this guy was so great anymore since he turned on her and talked to her so nasty. The A was instantly snuffed out and NC has not been broken since that day.

The next thing I did was contact his employer which is a huge corporation. A HR legal investigator called me and we had a phone interview. I asked her if his actions represented the company's values and she said definitely not and that his actions would be handled internally and that they would not contact me about their decision which was understandable. I'm not sure what happened with this but if it was brought to his attention from his employer it made me feel a little better.

The next exposure I thought was fitting was to use his main tactic against him....FB. I found a picture of him with several of his buddies who were tagged in the picture. Then I set up a new FB account with a fake name sent friend requests to the friends who were tagged in the picture. Since they were all military guys, my profile was set up as if I was a fellow military member and my picture was a famous military photo. All I needed was one friend to accept the friend request and I ended up getting three to accept. I then went on one of his closest friends timelines and wrote a detailed account of what the OM had done with my W and included all the details. I tagged the OM and his buddy also. So in a matter of seconds approximately 500 of his friends and relatives knew what he had done. I obviously did not use my WW's name or my name. Within ten minutes, I got a message from one of his ex-girlfriends and she was very happy that I had done this and told me that he routinely uses FB to approach women and had done the same thing with many others in the past. And then another former girlfriend messaged me and she was glad I had done this as well. Then both of these girls told me they were going to contact him and read him the riot act for what he had done. That very night the OM called me himself. At first he had an attitude as if this was some sort of game that I had started and said to me "Game On!". But somehow I kept my cool and calmly told him this was no game and there was not an untrue word written. He made a couple more threats of retaliation but when I remained calm and calculated the air completely left his sails. He was very upset that I had exposed the truth and told me that I had ruined his life but quickly began to tell me that he deserved all of it and that he would have done the same had he been in my shoes. He then began to apologize profusely and told me that there was nothing he could ever do in his life time to make up for the pain he caused me and my family. He continued to apologize for fifteen minutes and nearly broke down telling me how much he F'd up and how it was wrong and blah, blah, blah. He told me that he knew I probably had many questions to ask him and for me to ask anything I wanted and he would answer them honestly. I told him I knew enough details and didn't need anymore from him. He told me that he would never contact me again and seemed sincerely sorry for what he had done. I did this FB thing a couple of weeks ago and my D-day was in May 2013.

My rage instantly left me and it was a huge step forward for me personally to have him apologize like a man (finally). As you can imagine, I hate FB and realize that many A's are born there. But I was glad to use FB as my main weapon as he had used it in his pursuit of my wife. Exposure is the very best weapon any BS has in his/her arsenal and, as you can see, it can be used very effectively to kill an A and also to finally get some justice. At first I wanted to kick his ass but then realized what I really wanted was an apology. Now the toxic feelings of violence and revenge have left my head and I can focus all my energy on R.


Posts: 257 | Registered: Oct 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im with you and I did something very similar - out her to her family, job and stopped right before facebook but said if she had any contact with him a message would be sent to every person that was her friend on FB, and I had printed out the entire list BEFORE I even confronted hubby.

I dressed really nicely and asked for a meeting with her firm president. I came in, read from my script and said I had an email ready to go to each partner, of which I pressed send on my phone the minute I walked out of that office.

Life got very difficult for her. Tough shit. She called the police and they called me and told me to knock it off.

It is a way for the BS to get back some power and justice and I don't regret it for one moment. But most importantly, it stops the affair and allows the WS time away from the drug to get out of the fog. None of this I would have known had I not spent time here and been a WW myself.

Good job Gman1!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5267 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Freebygrace
♀ Member
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are awesome! I loved it. It reads like a suspense story LOL

I did similar. I told OW husband who filed for D and full custody and won. So, she lost her child. Then I sent a letter to her place of employment, and she was so embarrassed she quit. Then I told the whole church, and she moved from our town. Yep, the affair wasn't the high point in her life.

What did the OM want to happen in the end? Did he want your W to divorce?

The OW in my situation wanted to marry my WH. She wanted custody of my kids. She wanted to steal my whole life. So, I think it's appropriate consequences that she lost hers. If it would've gone on another couple of months, I'm sure it would've worked out in her favor.

But now, I won the "prize" of keeping my WH, and I'm not sure that is really winning after all. It's not great.


Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 109 | Registered: Feb 2014
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sir, I am giving you a standing ovation. That was just brilliant, beautiful and down right classy.

You were treated like Pearl Harbor, and you returned and dropped some major bombs on Him. I wonder if I should follow this example as well.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you! That's awesome. I love the FB thing.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Freebygrace,
I really think this guy only wanted to get laid and there was no real feelings from him towards my W. My W was out of his league and the only way she became emotionally attached was through her depression at the time. She has been on medication for many years and I had no idea that she was so depressed until our MC sessions started shortly after D-day.

The day after he left the reunion, he met up with one of his ex-GFs and busted a move on her the next night. She told me all about it on FB and about how he tries to find vulnerable women and work his way into their beds as well. If there is one thing I can teach my daughters it is to not be naïve. There are many dogs out there that will do or say anything simply to get laid....and it makes me sick.


Posts: 257 | Registered: Oct 2013
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be interested to hear from others who may have had similar experiences...

Posts: 257 | Registered: Oct 2013
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Revenge waited until tax time and after the D was final (she fucked him right up to the D- even though I was convinced she had ended it at d-day- ).

A "concerned" citizen contacted several board members of the non-profit he directed and explained that he was using grant money to fund an affair and non-profit equipment (cell phone and computer) to conduct unsavory elements of the affair.

The citizen then gave them dates to check hotel and dinner expenses. They were also reminded that all electronic communication should be backed up if they were in compliance with the rules and guidelines of the grants they received and they could easily verify the truth.

They were also told who the affair partner was and that they could see many pictures of her in pornographic situations- and dates were given if they happened to be searching to verify.

They were also reminded that those things would be visible if there ever was an audit. Those things would be VERY embarrassing.

Then, they were informed that it would be a shame if a concerned citizen was forced to contact the regulating agencies regarding the misuse of funds and equipment purchased with those funds. This probably would not happen, they were told, if they dealt with these horrible infractions in a decisive manner.

Oddly, he was gone in less than a week- and not just from the job, but from the whole state.

The citizen liked that result.


Danger warning: he is a private IC in the Las Vegas area, now, so if you live there, be careful.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have often thought that it would feel great to contact my WH's company and tell them that he messed around with OW on-the-clock and on company property...but I don't have any proof other than WH admitted it.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The ow in our case worked for me. She got fired the day after d-day.

I took her out into our shop, asked the other employees to stop working, and said " everyone tell skankface goodbye. I fired her because she and wxh are in love.". Buh-bye.

One of my finer moments.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7765 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When the line "live by the sword die by the sword" was spoken it was in reference to retaliation not the first attack. Just some food for thought.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 501 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
gotmylifeback
♂ Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gman, way to handle the situation in such a calm yet very thought out and calculated manner. I was feeling empowered just by reading your story. I would have totally understood if you had just kicked his ass like a WWE wrestler. But, you handled things in a mature manner. Hey, it's only slander and libel if it's not true.

Ex wife and myself had hired the OM and his company to do some work for us. Of course I later found out that the A had already been going on, so that's how ex wife suddenly had a recommendation for a contractor. So, after dday, I went to OM's office to address his mixing personal life and work. He was not there and when his secretary asked if she could take a message I gave her a doozie. I told her that he needs to stop screwing my wife and passing along his diseases. I turned around and left the office without waiting to see how far her jaw dropped. I later filed a complaint with the proper, governing agency who monitors contractors. I also told his wife what had been going on.

When it came time for me to present my case to the proper authorities, the OM did not even have the guts to show up. Of course the ex wife probably told him I am a crazy and horrible husband. But, he is basically scared of me even though he is twice my size. I would never lay a finger on him but he doesn't know that. I love the fact that I can walk around our town with my head up high. He, other the other hand probably has to live his life looking over his shoulder since we live in a smaller area.


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 598 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
momof1girl
♀ Member
Member # 41074
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've fantasized about doing that, but what good would it do me? What good would it do my DD? In my case though, WH isn't trying to reconcile... he's deep into the fog of being "in love" with the OW. So I am moving forward with my life and am choosing to believe that he will get his punishment soon enough. Everyone in the company (likely) knows now what has happened because I have friends that work in the same company as him, he has family that works in the company and his co-workers have met me and met our DD. Also, OW was, at one point, his supervisor and they lied about not being together then... which got their manager fired because one of them filed a report of harassment against him (from his asking and investigating claims and complaints from other staff about their behavior around each other on the clock, plus the fact that OW always seemed to be around, even on the days they were off). So, yeah. I choose to believe that he isn't as happy as he wants to make himself out to be and that his fall is coming a lot sooner than he thinks.


D-Day: Oct. 1, 2013

Together 15 years, married 7, 1 child, age 7.

WH: 37 y.o., EA/PA since March
OW: 26, 1 child (not WH's)
Me: 34, BS
Separated Nov. 16, 2013

Does a wedding anniversary still count if you are separated?


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2013
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you did it. Off with his head!


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the pleasure/displeasure of doing both. I caught OM and XWW together having a romantic dinner. Naturally things became physical and naturally I was arrested. Spent 3 days in the pokey, a year of legal maneuvering and a five figure attorney bill. So I don't suggest that route. Shit even my XWW claimed I attacked her as well. When the cops arrived they told them they were just co-workers having a business dinner and I was an irate jealous H who attacked them for no reason. Even with statements from other patrons of the restaurant that he put hands on me first I was cuffed, arrested and booked. Truth was I confronted and he tried to be the KISA and pushed me. I responded with a beer bottle upside his big head. While we were rolling around on the floor XWW jumped in and fell down. She claimed I knocked her down, filed DV charges and was given a RO against me for the duration of my legal woes. During that time I still had to pay all the bills for our house. Same one she was now openly entertaining OM in while my children slept in their rooms. So here I was facing assault charges for getting into it with OM and DV charges for her jumping in.

As I could not go anywhere near her or OM they basically did as they pleased all on my dime. But a strange thing happened when my attorney had the home PC analyzed by a forensic expert. Thousands of e-mails and chats between XWW and OM. Mostly sexually explicit as OM liked to jerk off to dirty talk. But there was also communication between them on the night of my arrest and subsequent days afterward. He was boasting of how lucky I was that he did not kick my ass, he also stated in writing that he struck me first and encouraged her to pursue the lie of DV charges as it kept me "out of their hair" They had a nice exposing conversation about what had gone on and their lies to the authorities. I thought BINGO I'm exonerated. But the wheels of justice grind slowly and it took a few more months before my charged were dismissed. But during this time I went over their communication with a fine tooth comb. Seems OM was using his workplace e-mail address to send his dirty talk. Sometimes they did it during work hours and even spoke of trysts in his office while on company time. He also spoke badly of his own BW claiming the usual player bullshit of "She's crazy, have not had sex with her in years, only stayed with her for the kids etc" He also boasted of being this fine upstanding family man who coached the church sponsored little league and actually bragged about having other affairs with other co-workers and some of the kids he coached mothers from the LL. And my XWW still thought he was the best things since toilet paper.

Anyhow when my legal troubles were behind me and the RO had been lifted I was then able to do what I pleased. Filed for D, forced the sale of the marital home and made three nice packages containing all of the written communication between OM and my XWW. The stacks were about 4 inches thick with some serious dirt on them. One was mailed to his BW, another to their employer and the third to the church where he was such a fine example of a family man. To my chagrin his BW who was oblivious to the A tossed his ass out and he in turn threw my XWW under a bus. He was subsequently fired for using firm e-mails to send sexually explicit material to a subordinate. As the XWW only used her personal e-mail account she was not fired, but OM BW made sure the whole place knew who the office whore was. And her career basically died the day I exposed them. For some unknown reasons she decided to stay there an additional 2 years but never got a raise or promotion. And the best part was that OM was asked to resign his coaching position and other church duties he liked to use as a smoke screen for his behaviors. Last I heard from him was when he called me crying to please back off. How sorry he was and to think about his handicapped children. I did inform him that he did not have a concern for his children or mine for that matter when he was fucking with my life. But he begged and I relented as I did enough. Came to find out later that he did not have any handicapped children. That one of them had ADD and that's was about it. So he used his kids once again to get himself out of a mess. But I was satisfied with the consequences they both had to endure. I would have liked it if the courts would have charged them with lying about that night. But they did not and my attorney suggested I leave it at that. So the same e-mails that he loved to pleasure himself to also were his downfall. So I can really relate to what you did my man. Well done my friend, well done.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5729 | Registered: Nov 2007
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stronger, That is a great story and I am glad you found your justice. Fortunately for me, my WW knew the entire situation was a huge mistake on her part and confessed everything on her own as I had no idea the EA or PA had happened. As in your case, the OM begged me to stop my campaign against him and told me that I had taken everything in his life away from him and that he did deserve everything that happened. He said that as a result of the various exposures that he had lost his job and girlfriend. I am not sure if I believe this or not but it does not make much difference to me. You reap what you sow and actions have consequences. I have found my justice and nearly all my rage that I have harbored for nine months is gone. I have never hated anyone before and it feels very good for those thoughts to now be gone. I think it is the largest step for me in my personal recovery and it is such a relief. All I wanted was an apology and it is sad that it took so much for me to finally get a sincere apology.

Posts: 257 | Registered: Oct 2013
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't sit down at the poker table if you can't afford to lose all your chips.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 911 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
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