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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Feels like purgatory
SeekingPeace84
♀ Member
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the 10 days since D-Day, my life as I knew it has been scattered around like a tornado came through. Now that I'm back in my house, I look around and expect things to be changed somehow, and am surprised when I see so many things the way I left them the night I found out. Since coming home last night, two things have really unsettled me. Looking through the mail, I saw my WH received a copy of his birth certificate that he ordered. The only time we've talked about getting a copy of his birth cert is so he could get a passport. So of course my first thought was that he is getting his passport to go see OW (she's in Saudi Arabia). I asked him why he ordered a copy and he said because he's speaking at a dealer conference in Canada at the end if next month and he wants to get an enhanced driver's license. I accepted that answer last night but today I asked if that was the case why didn't I know he ordered one? And why didn't I know about this speaking engagement in Canada? He said he didn't know and that it was at a time when we weren't talking that much. I promptly reminded him that it wasn't "we", because he knows everything that is going on in my life. Then when I went to bed, I saw his wedding ring on his nightstand. I asked if he left it here on purpose and he said no, that he thought it was in his jacket pocket. I asked why he wasn't wearing it? He said that when we met the second time last week I wasn't wearing mine. I told him that I had been doing dishes and the hollow band traps water so I took it off. I also said that I haven't taken my ring off (symbolically) this whole time.
It really bothers me that he saw me one time without my ring and without even asking me why, just takes his off. Am I overreacting? And why does he think it's ok for him to not tell me he might be going out of the country?
Part of me feels like it's pointless to talk to him about all this stuff because he's still talking to her. Am I wrong? I think subconsciously I don't want to be that bitter, nagging voice in his ear while he has this comforting, reassuring ho-bag in his other ear. But keeping all this in until he cuts it off with her and then exploding on him won't be productive. I guess I don't know what the right thing to do is when it comes to things like this. It's so frustrating and exhausting. Help!


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

please find a way to verify what he says,,,can you go with him to Canada,,,,just double check about Canada,,,also about hotel and plane info...do not take his word for it...also check out who flies to Saudi Arabia,,,see if you get info as to how long he will be gone...can you install gps on his phone,,,,also check payment for flight,expenses....look at bills,credit cards....you have to keep your eyes open......crack that computer when he is out...find someone to help you crack it

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my SLAWH travels for work, his trip details are uploaded to an app on my phone called "tripcase." I get rental car info, flight info, hotel info (including maps, addresses, phone numbers, flight numbers), and, anytime something changes, I get updates. That may only be because his employer uses a service linked to "tripcase." But maybe your WH could do the same for you? And, if he has an iPhone, you could see if he's where he's said he'll be? Can he get around it? Surely. But his willingness to do something like this says a lot. And I think it's helpful for my WH because he doesn't have to worry about trying to remember to send me the info himself. Some weeks, he gets two or three new travel assignments, then there'll be changes, then new trips and cancellations and . . . This way, I always know what's going on and he never "forgets" to tell me. Win win!


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 454 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
SeekingPeace84
♀ Member
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the thing; every single thing he's told me has turned out to be true when I've verified it, so I have no reason to not believe it.
I think I'm struggling with the hurt that he didn't tell me these things and that he took his ring off before he even talked to me and asked why my wasn't on. Plus, he is still talking to her and hasn't made a commitment to work on our marriage. I feel like I'm waiting--and I HATE that. Like I'm just waiting at home for him to decide to come back and work on things. I know that I want to work on our marriage, but I don't know how I'm supposed to act now. Especially since he's still talking to her and says he "doesn't know what to do".


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
SeekingPeace84
♀ Member
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've just read the article on the 180 technique and I've decided to implement it. I'm going to focus on me right now. I have an appt with a IC on Thursday at 12:30 and I'm going to get out of the house tomorrow. I will get past this.


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. If he is still in the A...why did you move back home? You can't work on the M alone and it is fruitless to try.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4172 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
SeekingPeace84
♀ Member
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Norabird, I kicked him out before I came home. He's not allowed back into our house while he's still in contact with her. And there are a few other non-negotiable criteria he must meet before he can come back. I am not going to sleep on someone else's couch when he's at home talking to his girlfriend. So he's out. Thank you for reaching out to me. I have found so much support here I can't even take it all in. Thank you for being a good friend.


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeking

Am I overreacting?

Um, NO. Your husband is having an affair. There is no response that qualifies as overreacting. Some are illegal but I would argue could be construed as justifiable for the lying, cheating, WS's.

Part of me feels like it's pointless to talk to him about all this stuff because he's still talking to her. Am I wrong?

Nope again. He is still having an affair. It is like negotiating with a terrorist. What is the point? This ends one way or another when you say it ends. Her or you. He needs to make a choice and be a man. Do not allow him to have his cake and eat it too. He hasn't had to make a decision so why would he?

Time for you to take the power back. He doesn't get to call the shots unless you let him.

You or her. If it is you then NC immediately. If the OW is married her spouse is told by X date. If she won't do it then you do it. Nothing ends an affair faster than bringing all the ugliness to light.

Stay strong and do the 180 and start working on a better you.

Good luck.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Apr 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great that you've kicked him out! I know it's so overwhelming when reminders of your old life are all around you and yet it is suddenly so far away. It's disorienting and heartbreaking and unfortunately not something we have control over. All you can control is you, and you will slowly find yourself more able to cope as you stick to your criteria. But it hurts and stings. Be as good to yourself right now as you can. Pampering, self-kindness, getting support IRL from trusted friends, anything that makes you happy and connects you to your identity and makes you strong.

You are a far better and more deserving person than he is and that knowledge while a cold comfort now will prove a lasting one.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4172 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
SeekingPeace84
♀ Member
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Faith,
First of all, you rock! Thank you for seeing my burning questions amidst all the words I wrote. I do feel like I'm negotiating with a terrorist! Or like I'm taking crazy pills. The things he says are just not grounded in reality. I'm going to stop focusing on him and start focusing on me. He's going to be shocked when he realizes that he doesn't get access to the kind, caring, nurturing person that I normally am with everyone. What I wouldn't pay to see his face when that reality hits him...

Nora,
Thank you for the support! You absolutely nailed it when you said;

I know it's so overwhelming when reminders of your old life are all around you and yet it is suddenly so far away.

It feels like two worlds coming together; one familiar and comforting, the other strange, scary and too confusing to navigate. I feel like being here and meeting so many kind friends has given me pieces of the map that show just the first couple steps. I can't see the whole layout, but I know where my first destination is. I can't thank you all enough.


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeking, just wanted to reach out and offer you my support too. You are right--you will get through this. Starting the 180 and listing out your requirements of him are the right things to do. I applaud you for having the strength and wisdom to see that.

If you can, I would tell the AP's spouse now about the A. Burst that fantasy bubble they're in.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 498 | Registered: Jan 2014
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Cool  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeking,

This affair rollercoaster ride we all have found ourselves on without our consent is one tough ride. The highs are high; the lows are low and hang on around the corners but you CAN and WILL get off eventually.

It is still new, your likely to feel many things over the course of the next month/years.

Allow yourself to be happy, mad, sad, pissed and hopeful all at once and then the next minute resolved to not really caring at that particular point. All normal and healthy. Coming from someone that is certifiable herself.

Good luck and keep moving forward.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1149 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 12

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