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User Topic: Ever want to "out" your WS to their family/friends?
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Member # 41745
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put it on blast it was too much for me to carry...the shock of it all...I thought I was going to leave him so why not humiliate him in front of EVERYONE his fam my fam my friends his...they all had him on a pedestal and it was my job to place him where he really was. They were all shocked because he was "such a great guy...he fooled us all" they said. Most everyone was on my side and was rooting for us to work things out but leery of him. I am surprised my WH stayed with me due to the magnitude of me mudslinging him to the point I did but it made me feel like I was rightly shaming him and he deserved the social repercussions for being an ass to me. I mean sneaking around and treating me so horrifically thinking he would never be caught. The only regret is some of my own family do not respect me and think I'm an idiot for getting back with him they say it is bound to happen again...also it was annoying getting loads of advice from everyone and opposing opinions have started unrest among my fan to the point where can functions are uncomfortable mainly because of one aunt who thinks I am an idiot for staying with him saying I am dragging down women back by a hundred years" other than that which hurt alot my WH said it should have been kept between us and only US. And what about the hundreds of people who saw you walking hand in hand with the vagina face a few states away? Ha look who is talking HE should have kept it between US and only US..vagina face should have never happened if he was capable of doing just that...that's her new name I've decided

"The grass is greener on the other side because of all the shit that is used to fertilize it"
Him: WH after 8 yrs to think he held my hand during labor twice
Me: thought I was a cool loving wife
D Day: 7 mos ago RIP soul

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dante's Inferno
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Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone knows. I told some people, wh told some people, OBS told some people. Then those people told people and so on. Wh and ow didn't want anyone to know so I'm glad we told people because they don't deserve to get what they want. It does make R hard sometimes knowing everyone knows and is judging us and me but wh deserves for people to know him. I put up with a lot of shit from him no one saw it was time people realized that he wasn't perfect. I would never keep a secret like this for him...I would have kept almost any other secret but cheat on me with your best friends wife? Nope.

D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 252 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH wants to out himself to everyone and I won't let him. He feels it's unfair for me to suffer in silence and feels it would help my healing if he could tell everyone. It kills him that my personality has fundamentally changed (for the worse) and he is afraid that everyone thinks I just turned into a reclusive bitch. He feels if people knew the hell he as put me through, they would all understand and give me a break. The trade off isn't worth it to me. Mainly I know that if our 4 kids knew it would destroy their lives. Right now just my life is destroyed and I have to take this all on for their benefit. I know this isn't a popular choice, but that's ok with me.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes, I've wanted to do this, but have told very few -- SIL (like a sister, his brother's wife), my sister, a number of work friends. SIL told his brother, my mom has figured it out I am sure. Did not tell his parents because they are old and it would really crush them. I don't see the need to hurt them. Did not tell most of my family because I wanted to protect myself -- if we were to R I did not want to have to feel uncomfortable with my own family. Did not tell many friends for the same reason I did not tell most of my family.

I was close to telling his boss (who was a BS himself, his X was very ugly and public about her affairs and the D) because initially my H wanted to continue to work closely with the MCOW.

If we had D, of course, all bets would have been off. I wasn't going to take the fall for his f-up. Since I wanted to R, I wanted to make sure *I* was protected. I don't regret it now. Took a couple years to stop feeling tempted...

ETA, I did let the MCOW's H know eventually -- I had believed my H that her BH knew. Not sure that was true, but I let him know when she came all bunny boiler to our house. He's a lawyer and we live in NC, which has criminal conversation and alienation of affections laws, I was clear about what would happen if she ever came anywhere near our house or child again.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 7:43 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 882 | Registered: Sep 2012
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Member # 41284
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm would like to know if they already know and have known while it was happening. I wonder if I was the only one who didn't know. However, I don't want to look stupid by going around and asking "by the way did you know.........?"

I would imagine his father and brothers probably were there going along with it all. His mother and sister, I don't know.

BS - 49
WH -50
Married 30 years.
2 daughters, 1 granddaughter.
D-Day 11-14-11
Why am I still here?

Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Idaho
♀ Member
Member # 42656
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by longnightmare at 5:48 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)]

Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
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Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During most of our years, the OW weren't hidden. My H was never much of a liar. He tried hiding his second to last one but got caught within a month. His last one was well hidden because his OW was a superior and extremely passionate liar and she helped him lie well. He suffered a massive panic attack trying to continue the lie but whatever.

Everyone knew what he was doing including our kids, our parents...they all hated it but they knew.

The last OW...well, I guess everyone knew there too except for me. Not because they had any proof but because they all recognized the signs. I was so happy to be in R and to have had so much success pulling myself together...finally! We were having a real, untainted relationship! I didn't believe he would ever do that to me after all we'd been through and the serious toll it had taken on me. I was wrong.
When OW. Outted their affair to me, no one was surprised. Everyone was very supportive. She wouldn't leave our house as she knows the renter laws here so I had to give her 20 day notice...even though she had never paid a dime. She spent her time screaming things at my dad about what a fool I was because she was f-ing his son in law right under my nose...etc...she's a real charmer. I didn't get to out anyone. I wish I had known about SI because I might have been able to reclaim just a tiny bit of dignity and power. I actually acted very powerfully in regards to her and I'm proud of that but in my own head, I suffer a lot. Even though they were above and beyond awful and the ones who deserve the shame, I'm the one who walks around feeling shameful and embarrassed. So many people know that my man is free and easy with no effort at all. All you need is a pair of tits and a slit.
I just look stupid for staying.
Anyways, I wish I'd thought to out her to her ex husband who still sort of takes care of her but not in a romantic sort of way. I could have at least shared how she was constantly bad mouthing his girlfriend. Idk...I guess it's best she had no family to ruin with her crap other than her kids who already can hardly stand her.

Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when I told him about WHs infidelities FIL was asking if I ever considered "getting back at him" by doing the same,

How lovely. Not- Are you ok? or I'm sorry but Do you plan to hurt my son back?

I'd have been tempted to answer back "Yes I'm managing ok, thanks for asking".

Well at least you know not to count on them and no need to wonder how your WH got that way. Sorry longnightmare.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 9:46 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 2336 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
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Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first found out that my H was having an A with a she bloke ho worker I entertained the idea of exposing him at his work BUT I decided to go NC instead. Thing is he moved in with this ugly fat bloke after i asked him to move out so what's the point. Let their fantasy self destruct without my intervention. Plus I didn't want to give the sloth the satisfication of giving her one shred of my attention. Let her wonder why I didn't fight for the f'wit.

If my MIL was still alive I would have told her for sure as she would have been disgusted that her son turned out like just like his father, the man he despised for cheating on his mother for 7 years. Oh & my H ex cheated on him as well & he said he would never do it to me! I guess he underestimated the lure of fat flesh.

And yes he was the nice guy, the last one anyone would expect to cheat on me....

Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
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Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told everyone.

Not out of anger or spite, but from the hurt.

We had people that supported and those who couldn't.

There is no shame in attempting to reclaim your life. I don't think anyone could walk up to my husband and I seven years later and not say "holy shit" look at what you two have done.

In the beginning it's all about the A and the aftermath.

Somewhere along the road it becomes about you, your spouse and a healthy future. The damage that brought you to the fork in the road loses the spotlight and the work you do to repair gets the focus.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ Member
Member # 42835
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've told a few close friends, and my mother (which turned out to be a mistake - I love her but she's not very helpful in this kind of situation). I have, at time, been dying to tell my bf's family. They would be shocked and disgusted - they already don't like him that much! But I'm holding that in reserve. If he betrays me again, or if I leave him and need their help, I'll tell them.

Actually, I really like the idea of making him tell them! At that point, he'd deserve all the pain and humiliation possible! But I hope we never get there.

Not saying I don't think about it, though, still.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning it's all about the A and the aftermath.

Somewhere along the road it becomes about you, your spouse and a healthy future. The damage that brought you to the fork in the road loses the spotlight and the work you do to repair gets the focus.

Karma, thanks for looking at the big picture. I really hope we can get there.

BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jan 2014
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Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't told for a number of reasons, but one is it's my ace in the hole. If he does anything to screw me over financially, I will tell the world. It is the only consequence that he would feel and dread. He has gotten away scot free, otherwise

Everybody in his family thinks he is so perfect , I'm hanging on to it in case I need it.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not tell ANYONE about my H's A until the AP contacted me and I discovered their FB life. Based on the FB comments, the "couple" was adored and admired by her daughter, family and friends. I later discovered the AP had already contacted his daughters and informed them that he and I were separated. Funny thing, I was unaware of that event. Because their A had been public, it was only proper for TheBestMe to enlighten OUR families and friends.

I did not and do not reveal his A as a revenge tactic but rather as part of what I choose to disclose as part of my life. Yes, it happened. Yes, I know about it. Yes, I am staying. The reasons are my own.

ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive

Posts: 499 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I outed him on FB (kind of cryptically)... with a status change to "separated" and a quote "what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive".

So..everyone kind of guessed that it was infidelity

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On dday, I told my H's sister. She lived across the street, we were good friends and she was in a similar situation. She actually ended up on the phone with OW5 that night to defend me and give OW a piece of her mind (they had known each other as children). I told my best friend 3 days later - on my wedding day. I needed someone close to me to help handle everything and make excuses for me. A week later, a good friend at church (who was a BS in her first marriage) noticed something was 'off' and when she asked, I told her. We told our bible study teacher a few weeks later. He works with OW2 and she was spewing vile about me. I told my mother at about 8 months - right after the birth of my youngest son. Just recently, I shared it as part of my testimony in front of my bible study class as my husband sat in the room. We chose not to tell my dad. He's not as forgiving as my mother. We also chose to not tell his parents. His mom is an I remorseful wayward. He and his dad are close and it wasn't at all worth the damage it would have done to their relationship. I'm very much about transparency in most situations. We live in a small town and I'd rather people hear it from us than the rumor mill. I was much more ashamed and afraid of the secret than I am of the story, but it has taken me quite some time to get to this point.

Posts: 1134 | Registered: Jan 2013
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Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told or had her tell anyone who would listen. We gained tremendous support from people who loved and cared about us. They often check in with each of us to make sure we are doing ok.

It was also a tactical move to have others keep an eye on and help guide her in working in the right direction.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2668 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided to get a sperate checking account from my WH because I need to save some cash. He has always done all the banking etc. SO I went to local bank and asked to open a checking account. The teller looked behinfd me and said just you? I said justme (is that unusual?) anyway I sat down with the bank manange and she said do you want to add anyone to the account of have suvivorship to my daughter. OH she siad not your WH? I looked her right in the eye and said no becasue HE CHEATED ON ME and I nned to protect myself. She looked AGHAST. This is my town where WH is considered a paragon. OH the gossip will be flying!

The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1411 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
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Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also want to tell some family because there are times SAWH and I need to talk or have "us" time. We have two children, almost 9 and almost 7 years old, and live in a tiny three bedroom house. We get little to no babysitting help, even though we have several family members that are within 15 miles of our house. It is like pulling teeth to get anyone to watch our kids, even for a few hours. My kids are very bright and well behaved, still everyone acts like it is such a chore. Maybe if they knew, they would make time to help us a little more?

Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 195 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
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Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We ended up telling some close friends, my family, and his family.

Honestly, I think it has been more harmful than helpful.

I know it sounds stupid, but I feel judged by his friends. I know they don't think this, but sometimes I feel like they look at me and blame me.

I also feel like my family hasn't forgiven him. It's really awkward with them knowing.

His family told him he was an idiot- but honestly, if we got divorced, they would be his family, not mine. Blood runs deeper than water.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 40
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