But have you ever wanted to tell everyone exactly what WS has done??? Or HAVE you already?
I don't think I would ever do it, but I hate that my WHs family and friends dont know the real H that i live with every day... they dont know why i act the way i do when i cant get away from triggers, they dont know how much pain he has inflicted over the years, and when he tells people about me being bitchy or checking up on him etc, they feel bad for him! I wish he wouldn't have his comfy fake persona anymore, and people could see him for real!
We haven't told his family and I won't, nor will I ask him to. I do privately wish that he would man up and tell them so that they may understand why I act the way I do if a trigger comes up.
I know its shameful, but its not your shame. Its your spouse's shame.
Why protect him?
I've always been of the mindset that protecting the WS from consequences does no good, and that includes not revealing his affair to family. Im not saying they need to know all the sordid details, but why should you take the rap for being difficult and moody and pissed off, when one could let them know "Hey, he cheated. That's why we are where we are today."
[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 3:48 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]
Well, fast forward and DDAY2 arrives. I was planning to divorce him then. I had HIM call his parents and tell them why we were heading towards D. He talked to them, I listened. I didn't let him sugar coat the truth (as I knew it at that time). That was one of the best things I ever did!!
His parents were so supportive of ME. I believe the humilation he had sharing it with him finally helped realize how disspicable it all was.
married 16 years, 2 kids: 11 DD, 13 DS
In process of R
I have kept the A very secret for a long time because of fear of judgement.
My MIL has always been very supportive, like a mother to me. I sent her a lengthy message today about everything we are going through. I did not give her any details. I just described how what we are going through is impacting our M. I do not know how she will respond and my H doesn't know I told her. But it did feel good to hit send on the message.
No longer together
"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."
I do NOT regret it.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Only, I've asked WH to do it himself. I've asked him to not only tell what he did, but apologize, to:
1. My best friend and her husband, who where there to hold me up when I was going through hell.
2. His mentor, who expects him to be an upstanding, honorable man.
3. His parents, who I KNOW expected better from him than this, and who have heard only about how unhappy he was with me, and probably how difficult I was to please. (And we both suspect that his father may have had affairs, but we don't actually know.)
4. My stepmother, who is the only family I have left. My father passed away in the middle of WH's second A, and really, that's probably a good thing, because God help WH if my father had still been alive when this came out.
As yet, and Dday was almost a year ago, he hasn't done this. He complains that I want him to fall on his sword. So I said, yep! I want him to fall on the very same sword he used to slice my heart into pieces.
I know I won't regret it when he finally does it.
DDay #1: June 9, 2012
Dday #2 (TT): November 29, 2012
DDay #3 (The BIG one, ALL the TT): March 30, 2013
False R: June 12, 2012 - March 21, 2013
REAL R: March 21, 2013 - present
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
I told ALL of my friends. I felt like he broke a little of all their hearts as well. They also believed he was such a great guy and would often comment about him. Kinda took the shine off of Mr. The Guy You'd Like Your Husband To Be Like. They were shocked. I just remember repeating "Imagine MY surprise!"
I also made him take a letter I wrote to the husband of the coworker he started an EA with. (He works with him too). Basically spelled out what he did and that I thought he should know. I even wrote that I wouldn't blame him for punching my husband if he felt he needed to.
I'm NOT keeping his nasty little secrets. I did nothing wrong. Exposure helps bring them back to reality. Funny how something that seemed so great becomes mortifying when the whole world knows. Stupid idiot.
and when he tells people about me being bitchy or checking up on him etc, they feel bad for him!
[This message edited by BtraydWife at 5:30 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.
We are on DD#4 now and I have only told a handful of my closest friends. The reason I do not is because if things do work out, I do not want anyone to think badly of him. I have my support system and am strong for now, and that's enough for me.
If we do D in the future, I will make sure his family knows the truth. I do not want them to think I'm the bad guy or judge me. I want to have a good relationship with them for the sake of the kids. It is a personal choice, one I have weighed heavily.
Especially in the moments of Discovery or anger or hurt, I just want to put him on blast all over FB. I am happy I have maintained my cool enough. He is remorseful (for real this time I hope) and is seeking help for his SA, so I will bide my time with major decisions. Good luck to all and thank you for sharing and allowing me to share.
Recently, my own mother made a ridiculous comment about him being too good for me. Gee, mom, if you only knew.
[This message edited by jpumpkin at 6:08 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)]
Her- 43, a self-centered bitch concerned with no one but herself
DDay- July 13, 2013
Back off man- I'm a scientist!
~ Dr. Peter Venkman
He confessed to those close to him at work, his parents and sibs (and spouses) all know now and I shared with a number of friends. My family still doesn't know, but I think I'll have to share at one point to explain my disconnect over the holidays. It is his shame, although I feel some shame and responsibility for the problems and "failure" of our marriage at that point, but NOT AT ALL for the choices he made.
[This message edited by HurtinginSoCal at 11:08 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]