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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Major setback………….
devotedfool68
♂ Member
Member # 38047
Helpless  Posted: 10:55 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last year about now, I went on a 4 day golf trip with DS1 and WW and DS2 stay home. Found out later that while I was gone WW was trying VERY hard to get POSOM to let her go visit him at his home.

Needless to say, when DS1 wanted to go on a similar trip last week I was VERY nervous. WW encouraged me to go and was very supportive, just like last year. So hundreds of miles away and triggering badly, I would get paranoid if she did not get back to me right away with texts etc. I WAY over reacted and accused her of only having a libido when she went to her home town (POSOM home). She had fallen asleep and that was the first thing she saw the next morning as I was driving home.

When I get home she felt distant and wanted nothing to do with me physically. This compounds my issues with being her second choice, her backup plan.

So this brings me to my issue:
Now, in the past, she has said, well actually screamed; “I slept with another man and I enjoyed it!” She also has been adamant that she does not regret her actions. I had thought she had “defogged” and that she had been regretting for the last 8 months or so. Last night I tell WW that I don’t feel loved and ask her if she regrets sleeping with POSOM.

This is the answer that I got:

“Partially, I regret that I hurt you, I never want to hurt ANYONE, but (long pause), I don’t know (long pause) I needed things to change.”
She says that she does not regret it and that she does not know why. She says she is trying to figure it out but that “NO ONE WILL HELP ME”.

She refuses to post on SI because the last time she did, I read it.
Apparently what she is feeling is not something that she can share with me?
There was much more but my brain is a scrambled mess.

So, I guess so much for R, I am back in LIMBO.

UGH


Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2013
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((devotedfool68))

I feel for you. I would be devastated to hear that my spouse did not regret having the A. That being said, she was being honest and is leaving you with no question about where she is at. Now it is up to you to decide what you want to do.

For your own sake and sanity, you need to detach and start a 180. Is your WW in IC or reading books, or doing anything to address her issues? Her comment that "No one will help me" and "I need things to change" is indicative of her mindset. She is not accepting responsibility for her actions, it is her job to fix her own issues and take the steps to improve herself. Others can help, but the ultimate responsibility lies on her willingness and desire to change. She is not remorseful, not even close. Do you see your M improving in the future? Are you willing to put your life on hold on the chance that your M will improve?

Start taking steps to rebuild your life. Give some serious thought to what you and your children deserve and need.

Sending you grace, dignity and strength


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 365 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She had fallen asleep and that was the first thing she saw the next morning as I was driving home.

Maybe this is true sometimes. But I was told this in false R when calls were missed, ignored, not returned or answered. And looking back I feel so stupid for believing it because I'm sure it was not the truth.

Sounds like your other child was at home so who knows, maybe she is telling the truth--I know my own situation was pretty extreme, and it may not apply. but reading that definitely triggered my old memories of being lied to.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
ErinHa
♀ Member
Member # 10138
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People say things they don't mean when they are in the heat of an argument or when they feel they are backed into a corner and have to give an answer when they are confused.

I've heard that too, the whole "I'm glad in a way this happened". At first it helped us bring issues in the marriage to the forefront but ultimately I guess we never changed enough to make each other happy and separated.

You are feeling emotional now but let a few days go by and see how you feel then. Infidelity is a hugely emotional issue in our lives and triggering can be so sad and painful. Give it some time and see if you can talk again with a new perspective on the situation.


ME--BS 46years old
HIM--WS 48 years old
3 Kids--DS11, DS13, DD15
Married 13 years, together 15 years
1st Dday 6/7/04
2nd Dday 3/13/06
From 2006 on too many to count (gave up)

Divorcing


Posts: 799 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Happy, peaceful
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO ONE WILL HELP ME”.

Really? How much help has she been asking for and from whom? How long has she been in weekly therapy sessions?


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't know if she ever really got it, but she certainly doesn't right now.

She is still all about her. Has she done anything to own her choices? Has she done anything to heal herself, and your M?

Sounds like you are stuck in a really shitty place to be. Limbo land.

I second the 180. Time for actions to meet consequences.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8509 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure why I get this sense from your post but bear with me.

It's been 8 months. What have YOU done to help her move along?

Is it a constant complaint that she's not responding to you in a way that is satisfactory to you? You say that you came home and she "wanted nothing to do with me physically." Did you come into the house and complain that she didn't answer your calls - and then want to have sex??

I am recognizing, as a BS who is 2+ years out and moving along, that the more I stick her nose in it the less productive our reconciliation.

Yes, she needs to help you heal. Yes, she owes you certain things. But you know what? Maybe she actually WAS asleep! It is okay for a WW to not be perfect - she's not always going to get it right. In general, is she acting in a way that suggests that she's back in the marriage?

Think about it - did she say that she "doesn't regret it" out of frustration? Does she feel like she simply can't do anything right and is just at end of her rope?"

If you are like me you may have demanded so much from her that she simply is tired of it all. It's okay - she's human. That certainly shouldn't be her perspective overall but it's understandable if she's feeling that she can't win no matter what she does.

If she recognizes that she needs help - get it for her! Offer to talk in a way that only focuses on HER and doesn't interject what YOU feel, or how badly YOU are hurt. In short, be as good of a husband as you want her to be a good wife.

Just a thought.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she recognizes that she needs help - get it for her! Offer to talk in a way that only focuses on HER and doesn't interject what YOU feel, or how badly YOU are hurt. In short, be as good of a husband as you want her to be a good wife.

While that is all well & good the wayward wife is a big girl.

And she was certainly decisive to invite a man to her room and bonk his brains out. With no regard for her health, her husbands health nor any regards for their marriage.

IMHO I think you should tell her to leave and not come back until she knows why she cheated and feels no remorse.

No matter how much you love a person sometimes tough love is required to solve a problem.

She has had virtually no consequences from what I have read.

Worse, DevotedFool68 has been beating himself up for over a year.

What have you done DF68 to better yourself?

lose weight?
Exercise?
Get out and make new friends?

Because the limbo you are in now is self generated.

You should take action to make yourself happy, with or without your wife.

You deserve better. Go find it.

HM



Posts: 858 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
devotedfool68
♂ Member
Member # 38047
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses.
It is nice to be heard.

Lifiscrazy: My wife could have written your response word for word. It is helpful to "hear" someone else see this, and from a BS point of view". This will be somthing to reflect on frequently.

Happy: Your perspective is equally astute. I have often wondered what if any consequenses WW has really felt. I certainly feel like I am still wrapped arouond her little finger.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Jan 2013
MoonLitSmile
♀ Member
Member # 24746
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the wayward wife is a big girl.

Agreed. She made her choices, she chose to A, she doesn't need babied. I think she still sounds a bit foggy, maybe??? She need IC and she needs to find some remorse and understanding for what she put you thru and why you are still going thru it

(((Devotedfool68)))


Me- 40
FWH- 40 recovering SA

Her- 43, a self-centered bitch concerned with no one but herself

DDay- July 13, 2013

Back off man- I'm a scientist!
~ Dr. Peter Venkman


Posts: 720 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Southeastern PA
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sympathies. From what i just read you have not provided any consequences whatsoever for her affair. No consequences = no change in WS behavior.

Have you exposed the OM?


Posts: 176 | Registered: Oct 2013
LifeisCrazy
♂ Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So normally I would be consistent with the other posters. People who have read what I have to say know that I am usually very firm about how a WW should be acting. This is especially true at the beginning stages. However, as I said, something struck me as odd in this case...

Devoted goes away for a weekend. During that time his wife doesn't answer a call and

I WAY over reacted and accused her of only having a libido when she went to her home town (POSOM home).

So he goes home and

When I get home she felt distant and wanted nothing to do with me physically.

This has been something that I have struggled with and something that has driven my wife absolutely crazy. On the one hand I'm all pissed off, cursing and arguing - upset that she's doing something that triggers me. The whole conversation becomes a mess because I'm up in arms, she feels bad that I'm upset, I've reminded her (for the umpteenth time) about the affair - everything is spiraling down the toilet.

Then, how do I feel better? How do I "fix" the situation for myself? Hey! Let's have sex!

My wife simply can't turn the emotional faucet on and off like that. It's something that I still fight to understand. As much as it is HER responsibility to help me heal, and as much as a "big girl" my wife is, it gets incredibly difficult to deal with the emotional rollercoaster FROM HER END, TOO!

Devoted does not have any backstory posted. As such, it's hard for me to tell exactly what the real story is. Maybe she is still foggy. Maybe she's not truly remorseful. But from what was posted HERE it gives me the sense that maybe he's expecting so much out of her that she simply can't provide enough. And, remember, I'm a BS talking - just one who has come to understand that healing needs to come from both partners.

I may be completely off base. And if I am, my apologies. But - to me - during the first few months there's very little a BS can do wrong. He/she is in complete delirium. But 8+ months out, and attempting to reconcile? It's time to start cutting the other person just a LITTLE break - not in regard to the major boundary issues, etc. but.... you know what? Maybe she actually just fell asleep!?!


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“Partially, I regret that I hurt you, I never want to hurt ANYONE, but (long pause), I don’t know (long pause) I needed things to change.”
So frustrating, your wife thinks she is telling you something but it is just another partial sentence, a riddle.

I guess her comment begs the question, what did you partially not regret about it. What positive did you get out of it.

She is talking to you in riddles as if you should be able to read her mind. Ask her questions like she needs what things to change.

She should be able to talk to you with openness and honesty like she seemed to do here on SI.

Sometimes, when a person says no one will help me, that can mean that person is not hearing the answers or the words that they want to hear. During an affair, the affair partner is great for saying the right words, like what you're doing is the right thing etc.

In the real world, not many people will tell her those kinds of words.

LifeIsCrazy said

the more I stick her nose in it the less productive our reconciliation.
And that really is a good point. Try and make it alright for your wife to start talking to you openly and honesty, otherwise you and her will just go round and round.

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Jun 2002
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devoted

Setbacks are normal. Triggers are normal. You have been hurt and it is hard to just take down your guard and trust openly.

Her not answering her phone and being distant creates the environment for you to trigger. It does and it is normal.

It takes 2-5 years to "heal" from an affair. If you ever really heal. The memories, the despair and the pain will always remain with you to some extent, in my opinion. We just learn to cope and deal with them one day at a time.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Acknowledge why you felt the way you did and share that with your wife.

I am concerned that she does not regret what happened. I am concerned that she is not owning the A (her choice to cheat regardless of what was happening in the marriage...MANY other ways to deal with it). There is a big difference between regret and remorse.

Again, in my opinion, it is imperative to have remorse for a true R.

It is her job to figure out why she chose to cheat. She needs to do a deep dive and understand herself so she can assure herself and you that she won't go down that path again. NO ONE ELSE CAN DO THIS FOR HER. She needs to get into IC.

I recommend IC for you as well. You need help to navigate the waters. You can only own your feelings and behaviors. You are not responsible for her feelings or behaviors.

Keep being honest and take one day a time. You will find your way. We are all here to help and listen.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1143 | Registered: Apr 2013
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