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Newest Member: hewaseverything (44947)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WH wrote me a Letter...
ThisHell
♀ Member
Member # 37089
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that without lots of work on his end to address the conflict avoidance, R will be hard... but I also have some issues with the way we dissect these types of letters and the use of "I" or "Me"...I mean, sometimes the point of writing in the first place is to share frame of mind, and individual struggles... it seems normal that someone would say "I...." when trying to describe how they felt at a certain time. I've always struggled with this one. Yes, there are times it is blameshifting and whatnot, but a lot of times its just a way to say how one feels isn't it? I think there are good things here as well as negative: he's admitting he feels he has issues with conflict... that's a decent start... now it's what he DOES about that that will tell you what you need.... his feeling about being Mean is just silly and totally wrong on his part and absolutely reads that he may be regretful... but not yet remorseful as his focus should be on protecting YOUR feelings. Not hers.

My EX is totally conflict avoiding and I can totally relate to this:

PP are right about him wanting credit and you should be careful with this. Once my WH started feeling like he could be angry he decided to be angry with me being upset with his lies. What? Plus he was absolutely flabbergasted that his puny efforts didn't produce a parade down Main Street in his name. How dare I say he hasn't tried! After years of this(<-please read that-YEARS) he admitted last month that he hadn't actually "tried", he thought it would all just work itself out.

Trust me, I NEVER gave him that impression. He has been told from day one what he needs to be doing.

Now when I call him out on his shit I don't know which douche I'm going to have to deal with. The angry jerk or the whiny pity party cry baby. Neither one knows how to deal with his failures.

This is why he is my EX.... never remorseful... just annoyed that things get called out and angry that I call him a liar WHILE he is lying to me, lol watch the actions.... great. He's told you how HE feels and what HIS struggles are: now ask him what he's gonna do to WORK on that..


Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 287 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so, so sorry.

I edited and deleted that line in my comment, sorry.

I never EVER intended to make anyone feel like they were doing something wrong, looks like I'm the one who erred!

I guess I just read through and heard so many loud, angry voices in response to your post that I wanted to find a way to say that not everyone feels angry. I did it poorly, and am embarrassed and sad that I may have made anyone question the use of this site or the validation of their worries.

I'm so so so so sorry!


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eachdayisvictory...

it's ok...we understand


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197777 | Registered: May 2002
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I just read through and heard so many loud, angry voices in response to your post that I wanted to find a way to say that not everyone feels angry.
There was not one iota of anger in my response. I didn't see any in the other responses.

Perhaps it was projected.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Lostinthemidst
♀ New Member
Member # 42814
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No worries at all, I appreciate the tip! @eachdayisvictory


ME: BW 35
HIM: WH 41
1 year EA/PA with COW
D-Day: November 23 2013
Married 11 years
3 kids
working our way towards R waiting for the Trickle to end...

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
Lostinthemidst
♀ New Member
Member # 42814
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mentioned in the other started tread (I see why duplicates are a pain! haha)

yes he did use the word *mean* and I can see your point about that regardless of why he wrote it...

but it was his way of clarifying which letter he was talking about.

He tried to end the affair a few weeks before I found out. He wrote what I call a nice fuzzy letter letting her down easy (I didn't see the letter, just assume it was nice and fuzzy since it didn't take and she was trying to *stay friends*)

The next letter was the mean one we wrote together to let her know I was aware of the affair. (and I was correct in my assumption that he said more when he went to her office)

She then called and left a voice mail at his office all heart broken a week later, he called me right away we wrote a very direct to the point F-OFF letter. He called me so that he could do it from work and not in the evening...so that she would not think he waited for my input... so she would no that it was his words his desire to be with me.


ME: BW 35
HIM: WH 41
1 year EA/PA with COW
D-Day: November 23 2013
Married 11 years
3 kids
working our way towards R waiting for the Trickle to end...

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2014
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

solus sto, have I upset you?

Just wanted to say sorry if I did.

Tone is hard to write and read, so I'm genuinely unsure.

The anger I was reading into was the righteous anger of the BS. Just the things like 'boo hoo him' and things like that.

I go through waves of feelings, which I think all BSs do. And I guess I came here feeling sad today. Sad that I have to think about this any longer, sad at having to make decisions about my M, sad that I can't believe anything right now.

From that place, I turned to tenderness and an attempt at understanding. Understanding that a remorseful WS is a person who hurts too, even though what they did was completely and utterly wrong. I just wanted to offer that the WS mentioned here is communicating a lot of feelings and doesn't sound like a TTer or a rug-sweeper or a man justifying his behaviour.

I'm just looking for good. Sorry for adding to any BSs hurt feelings. Certainly not my intent.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I absolutely agree. There was not one iota of anger in your response. Just kind, gentle wisdom.

Thank you, I took some advice from your words too.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I feel less confident now in any of his daily *contact reports* to me about his time at work? Or should I see this as him telling me the truth and a good sign that he was willing to admit it? is committed to NC?

EachDay...we are sorry (especially I) if any of this came across as anger. But what you might be hearing from us is solid truth and 2x4's built from each of our own's personal experiences going through this horrible ordeal. There is nothing we hate to see more on here than a BS trying to "minimalize" their WS's actions and the tables being turned on them where the WS plays himself as a victim. It's extremely disrespectful to the BS and most of us take offense to it and will call it out bluntly when we read it (also known as 2x4's).

Your Dday is only four months ago and he was in a two-year affair with his co-worker. And guess what? He still gets to see her everyday at work. I feel in particular very sorry for BS's whom have to endure this. It's like they never get a break knowing their spouse is at work and in contact with this person at any level. It has to be torture and my heart goes out to them. But to me it means your conditions of R and new boundaries have to be even tougher than many BS's who don't endure this. And some BS's just cannot recover from that daily contact unless their spouse leaves their job. Emotions have probably been built between the both of them and without direct stern boundaries set by you they are going to most likely continue at some level if you allow it.

his feeling about being Mean is just silly and totally wrong on his part and absolutely reads that he may be regretful... but not yet remorseful as his focus should be on protecting YOUR feelings. Not hers.

^^^^THIS. Whereas he thinks it sounds great that he's giving you daily "contact reports" it's utterly absurd. I don't blame you for feeling sad. But maybe you haven't hit the anger part of your grieving yet. Regardless of what spin he's putting on it, he's still in contact with her and disrespecting you. And you should not tolerate that whatsoever. NC means NC.

You seem to be a kind gentle person, but please know this from the experience of many of us including myself, you cannot "nice" him back to your marriage with kindness, wisdom and understanding. And from what I am reading, that's exactly the strategy you seem to be portraying. Standing outside her office to make sure she read the NC letter and is doing OK with it?...really? If he didn't still have feelings for her, he wouldn't be doing this. Actions speak louder than any words he can write in a letter to you.

The way you handle this right now is setting the precedence for how your R is going to work. And allowing him to be in any contact with her will only prolong your R train. To me he wants you, but cares that the OW isn't hurting "too badly" about ending their relationship. Unfortunately he cannot have it both ways. Somebody will get hurt here. And most likely it's going to be all three of you. It's just the ugly truth about affairs.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
SpecialK
♀ Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I got out of the letter was someone trying to do what they felt their spouse needed in order to move on. Isn't that a good thing? We should all realize that a WS or and OW doesn't "think" like us, that for lack of a better term, they are broken. So for a WS to "lay it all out there" says a lot to me.
I hear a lot of WS's being described as conflict avoiders, mine included, which makes me think that people who have this tendency migrate to affairs easier then people who deal with issues up front. Just a thought......

Now as far as the BS thinking that he only did it so she'll stop asking questions, well, she needs to clarify with him that while this letter is a positive move on his part- it doesn't negate any further questions or discussions she may need to ask or talk about. Ultimately the BS needs what they need.

My personal opinion is that if my spouse was doing whatever "I" needed to heal then I am not going to keep knocking him back down because he didn't say/write it exactly as I thought he should.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
Credence
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I got out of the letter was someone trying to do what they felt their spouse needed in order to move on. Isn't that a good thing?

It can be seen that way or it can be seen as someone just doing what they've been asked to do or it can be seen as someone trying to explain why they've lied previously and why this 'is definitely the truth' or, or, or.... All of the lies and TT make it impossible to take anything at face-value. Caution is the order of the day, not because the BS is unreasonable but instead, because the WS has proven himself/herself to be deceitful, dishonest and an unreliable witness. Is this really the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Sadly, it's unlikely that it is. Interesting point about conflict avoiders - my WW is one of those.

IMO, the letter appears to be looking for at least a little sympathy and a whole lot less uncomfortable questioning - neither of these indicate true remorse and the WS hasn't earned the privilege of 'the benefit of the doubt'. The WS should be saying 'this is the truth and if it raises any additional questions I'll do my best to answer them for you'.

The most important thing is that Lostinthemidst gets various different perspectives on the letter and she is then able to apply what she feels is relevant and ignore what she feels is irrelevant.


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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