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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I worthless?
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like it. How can he just throw away 11 years together so easily. Do i not mean anything anymore? Does our family not mean anything? Hes known OW for six months...six! And hes still seeing her and is willing to just throw our entire marriage away to be with her. How can he not understand how bad that makes me feel? How can he not understand that he has broken my heart over and over but he still chooses to hurt me....

How can i live knowing he chose her over me? Im sick about this :(


BS (me) 28
WH (him) 28
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 8 1\2 years
Together for 10 1\2
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
crazytalk
♀ New Member
Member # 42668
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There, there, Twillett... you are far FAR from worthless. If anyone is worthless, it would be your WH. This is absolutely not your fault, and he is living in a fantasy thinking that the OW is the answer to whatever problems he's dug up in your marriage.

What your WH has done is NOT how normal people handle discontent in their relationships. You did nothing wrong, and your children did nothing wrong. When the dust settles he's the one who will look like a total moron for abandoning his family. Stand tall and strong... look up the 180 in the healing library and work it. He sounds like he's far from regret, much less remorse, so get him out of the house (if he's already made his immediate choice). Start seeing a counselor so you can feel whole again. Next stop, lawyer, to make sure you know your rights. You, and your children, don't deserve this. You may still love him, but he doesn't deserve to be protected right now.

I made a huge St. Paddy's day meal yesterday for myself and a 3yo. It was one of my husband's favorite meals. The entire time I kept thinking about what a waste it was... not that I'd made the effort to produce it, but that my husband threw away me, our son, our family, our home, our future, etc for a skeezy "feeling". It MUST be a sickness... it's the only way I can make it work in my mind.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: midwest
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are NOT worthless. It seems hopeless now, the pain is still so fresh and raw. He has already broken your trust and your heart, do not allow him to break your spirit.

You didn't lie and cheat. You kept your promises to him and your family. You are a good person, he's a lying, cheating, sack of crap. You are too good for him!

It's time to get angry, it's better than being sad. But those feelings of worthlessness into something positive. Write, paint, create or destroy. Something for you!

Remember, YOU are NOT worthless! You will rise above this because you are a good, strong person!


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1116 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When someone is hurting us over and over again it is THEIR worth in question, not ours.

Try to look into the 180. You are important. Your family is important. Some people just have screwed up priorities (or none at all.)

I know this doesn't stop the confusion or pain, but you need to try and pursue a mindset where he doesn't GET to hurt you anymore because his vote doesn't count.

(((t333)))


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a place we've all been. Feeling like you feel now. Please remember he is not the one who determine another person's worth. His action define his value as a person and he is devaluing himself when he should be redeeming himself.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3726 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Twillett,

Any of us can understand the question and even where it comes from.

But we all know the answer - of course you have value and worth- to yourselves and many many others. I hope that you understand those answers too.

Answers or no, going through all this does make you stronger.

"When you are going through Hell, keep going."
Winston Churchill


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
mavroza
♀ New Member
Member # 42778
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am sure that at a one point most of us felt like that when we first found out but, believe me, it is NOT US.
It is HIM, the broken man that he became, that is worthless.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's understandable that you feel this way but it's not true at all.

Try to understand that he is not picking her over you. He is picking running from his issues instead of facing them.

Being with you requires him to face his problems and get help. Being with her allows him to deny he has any problems.

What he has with her is not authentic. She allows his issues to continue without confrontation. The moment she starts asking too many questions or is upset by his actions she's out the door.

He is not picking her over you. You are not worthless. You are healthy enough to know what he's doing isn't right and he's running from facing that, not from you. Although if you asked him he'd blame it on you in a heartbeat. He's not well and he'll do just about anything to deny that, including blaming you for his behavior.

Honey you deserve real love. You deserve to be respected by your husband and to have a faithful partner. He's not able to be that guy right now. And until he's able to accept that he has problems and he makes the decision to face them and work on them, nothing will change.

You are not worthless. He can't stay with you because you aren't broken enough to accept his behavior. He's leaving because you are worthy.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
quedagh
♂ Member
Member # 24195
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope
Not you.

He is-

Brandon and Mavrosa sum it up pretty well.

His actions don't define you. Only himself.


Divorced and safer, mostly.


Posts: 803 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Recovery Land
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((twillett333))

Twillett333, you are an kind person, an excellent mother and your value as a person is not defined by your WH. Have faith that standing up for yourself is the right thing to do and you will get through these trials.

Take some time for yourself today and do something that makes your feel good about yourself. Go for a walk, read a book, take a hot bath...just do something for yourself. Do an easy dinner for the kids, just be kind to yourself today. Tomorrow will be better.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 357 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't feel that way. It is not you. It is him. You have done nothing wrong and could not have done anything different to change what happened. He is a selfish individual who is not thinking about anything other than his own needs. Never think it has anything to do with you. I know from experience. My wife of 25 years decided to basically deliver herself every morning to the door of some 39 year old former drug user who worked part time and lived with his mother in a rented house so he can have his way with her. Meanwhile, I tried to give my wife everything including a home in a nice neighborhood and I thought we loved each other. There was nothing I could do. She would go to his house in the mornin before work and do him. But before and after she would call me and tell me how much she loved me. Go figure. This has nothing to do with you. Hold your head up high and show him what he is throwing away. Please don't allow him to cause you to doubt yourself. Make him sorry that he lost you. You take charge.
That's what I 'm learning to do. It's hard but it's the right thing to do. Hang in there, please.

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 11:35 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)]


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 107 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO!!!!!

You are strong, beautiful (I don't need to see you to say that honestly, beauty has nothing to do with what we look like for me), resilient, generous and honest.

You are not worthless. It's this time coming up that will determine if your WS is worth it to you.

It helped me a lot in the early days to say in my head over and over "I will not feel like this forever." It's true. I don't feel the same now. I feel stronger, more confident and secure in who I am now than ever before. Can't even tell you if my H and I are going to make it or not. I think so, but my recovery had to come on the back of me being completely prepared for a life without my H, and I really had to mean it too. And I do.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
twillett333
♀ Member
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow you guys...your words have truly helped me so much. I know i deserve better and i know i need to stay strong through this esp if/ when i do decide to end things. Thanks yall!!


BS (me) 28
WH (him) 28
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 8 1\2 years
Together for 10 1\2
Two children ages 7&2
Reconciling

*Finding my strength*


Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
Topic Posts: 13

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