The point is to attack the correct target. Not the OM; not your wife; but their relationship. You need to make it impossible for this relationship to flourish and if that embarrasses your WW, so be it. Your wife is probably looking for an emotional statement from you that you will never forget or forgive her. Then she can claim that reconciliation will be drawn out, painful and likely to fail; so why not leave to be with her soulmate, taking the kids with her unfortunately.
Seeing an attorney may be helpful, but you need to take action now, before she does.
thank you all for responding so quickly. I'm glad i found this page. I have made it very clear to her that there is no way she gets both, she has to make a decision. In the short time since i found out i have covered the spectrum of emotions, phyisicly and emotionaly I'm wrecked. She has told me that she knows I'm a wonderful husband and that everyone tells her the same thing about me. SO WHY??? I know that question cant be answered but it's all consuming right now. I took my son out to breakfast today and it was all i could do not to breakdown every time a happy old couple walked in. I think you are all correct. I must tell her that she has to decide now and if she says she can't then she must leave. I guess that's the next step.
You are getting lots of good advice. Let me add my view here.
There are two things going on. One is that she has to decide between you and the other man. But she can't take forever because YOU have to decide if you want to take her back.
I wouldn't decide this right now. But you have to know her decision first. After you know still give it a little time. It won't hurt her to be on pins and needles for a while. If she decided that she wants to come back, then if you decide that you want her back, you can begin the long hard road to reconciliation.
But if she doesn't want to come back or if you don't want her any more, then it is over. Period.
End it quickly. Sometimes being served with divorce papers shocks a wandering spouse back to reality.
[This message edited by sidney2718 at 6:40 PM, March 17th (Monday)]
You really are getting excellent advice.
The key is to force her decision.
And might I add that Affairs grow in darkness but wither in the light.
If she chooses the OM then you expose the Affair to family and friends.
Her decision to cheat shows you just little self esteem she has for her herself and how little respect she has for you and the marriage.
You have to show tough love.
She open your marriage to a third party without asking you.
And if she chooses him you can also decide to expose their affair to coworkers or management.
But one step at a time.
Do not fear asking her family for their support to end her affair.
Your wife is a liar. Treat her like one.
You are fighting for your family. Sadly she is not.
I cannot believe your wife would hurt her kids like this - she would tear their worlds apart so she can have a romantic fantasy with some dude? Most WS need a little reality check. I don't know your situation, but yes, expose - to her family, her friends, her work, the OM's spouse. Also see a lawyer and find out "worst case scenario" how would be best to proceed if she is unremorseful. Then lay it on the line. Many WS are so self-centered they are not even thinking about the consequences - make them apparent to her.
And please take care of yourself - you are the most important thing right now, and this is a real trauma. See a doctor, drink lots of water, talk to an IC or religious counselor, post here often. You will get through it. We are all here for you.
[This message edited by Lyonesse at 6:57 PM, March 17th (Monday)]
In addition to what everyone has said, do not become co-dependent. There is a thread on this site at it.
It is the thing a lot of BS do wrong
This is a fight, and you need to respond accordingly.
In a fight you don't keep waiting and thinking, you gotta get your wits about you and start laying punches to put your marriage head to head against this other punk ass relationship.
Tell his wife his family, her family, your family, and you might.....might be able to get your marriage back but, you sit and wait and a fantasy new relationship will make your marriage look like a prison by comparison.
Right now they are both in la la land. Shock and awe. And they will know that you are a man that will be respected.
I speak only from my experience and the vast time I spend watching guys try to be nice on these and other forums. It never works.
Good luck bro.
I'm so sorry you are here.
All I can do is recommend the advice you have been given.
The night I confronted my FWH (this was before I found SI)I told my him:
"Your whores may be prepared to share you with me but I will never knowingly share my H with another woman. Choose me or F..... Off."
He knew I meant it.
He phoned OW3, told her it was over and as far as I know has been faithful since.
I sent a PM (private message) to you.
The advice that I have been given and all the other things I read here have really helped my try to straighten out my mind. I was able to stay strong and speak very clearly as to what I need to have happen, couldnít have done that without all your help. As I said before itís far to fresh and I donít feel that decision made now will be good ones, but Iím trying to figure out what I need for me and my kids.
Keep her in suspension regarding your decision whether or not to reconcile. Drag it out a few months; consult an attorney to bring home to your wife that she may lose her marriage. Remember she didn't confess; didn't have any guilt and was quite content betraying you with this shameful affair. Doesn't want to lose her marriage, even though she has precious little respect for you.
As you have been cautioned, watch for the A to go underground. As she "misses" the high she got during the A, she might reach back out to him. It will be much more difficult to find out the next time. However, you gut will alert you that something is not up.
Keep posting. There is a lot of collective wisdom in the group. It is a long road. Remember...you do not have to decide anything now!
If you notice everyone here gave you the exact same advice. We all learned the hard way.
Stay strong, you have all of the power in this situation if you realize it or not. You have a home and stability and everything else to offer. What she has to offer you is the fact that she cheated. Treat the situation accordingly.
If I were you, my first question to her would be why did she break it off with OM. Was it her choice, did OM end it all, did OMW find out.
Again, if it were me, the why in this case would be important.
And of course at this time you have to be very wary that this is not some tactic to throw you off your guard and the affair continues more quietly.
Your rules about knowing where she is every moment, coming home on time, no ladies night out stuff, etc will help.
I am sorry you are here. Everyone here is sending you a big hug.
Hang in there. This is all so raw and real for you. You are not alone.
First, as many have said, you have done nothing to deserve this. The affair is hers to own.
Take it slow. One day at a time. Your WW has to show you through her actions and words every day that she understands the magnitude of what she has done. REGRET is NOT REMORSE.
You don't have to make any decisions right now.
I would recommend IC for both you and your WW. She needs to understand how and why she allowed herself to get the place that she could cheat on you. If she doesn't figure that out she most likely will cheat again.
Fear of losing you and your family is not the same as staying because you want the marriage to work.
My IC told me that staying for the kids was a good reason in the beginning but if that still was the only reason after a year...it wasn't.
Is the OM married as well? If so, his wife deserves to know.
One day at a time. You can make it. Deep breaths and know that we are all here for you.
Prayers and hugs
Never forget she pushed you into this situation. You did not choose any of this. She did.
But if you don't expose this, don't be surprised that the other man who already got into your wife's panties one time will be trying again soon to get back onto them. And it will be all that much easier.
The fire of their passion has gone from roaring to embers but unless you drown it, you stomp it, you bury it, it will flare up again easily.
That's a lot to leave to chance. Think of the consequences on your children if you are not strong enough to do what needs done. That always helped me.