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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Will it ever stop consuming me?
crushedbyhim
♀ New Member
Member # 42775
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently found out March 12th, that my husband was having an affair with my best friend for over 2 years through hundreds of emails that i found. These emails are burned in my mind-the nice names they called each other, the secret meet-ups they were setting up, the different types of sex they had, how good it felt, how happy they were, and they go on and on. My heart sinks with every thought of them secretively being together.
My husband and I are working though this and we want to stay together. Does anyone know how long it takes to stop constantly thinking about the 2 of them together? It's really making me feel ill-I can barely eat without feeling like im going to vomit. I just want to focus on making my marriage strong again but these thoughts won't go away. I don't want to think of them :(

Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2014
ziganska
♀ Member
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had an answer for you but it will take time and a lot of work on both your parts (mostly his). I would think the time varies depending on how honest your husband is from this point on, how quickly and definitively he will break things up and never contact the OW again, and what he's willing to do to prove he'll change. Talking to you all the time. Counseling. Listening to what you're going through. Comforting you. Reassuring you.

But you have to work on healing yourself to and examining if repairing the marriage is right for you. It's what I'm working on too (I'm about 4 months in) and it's a lot of work but we're committed to. I still think of them...constantly...still look at her FB page...still ask questions about the gory details and then sit back and envision when it all took place and how he lied to me...it's natural to do that, but it's so self destructive too. Just know you are not alone and time will indeed help.

Try to write your thoughts in a journal, share them with your husband, focus on the things that do make you happy in life, see a therapist, treat yourself to some pampering....any distractions will help.

Good luck to you!


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone is different, but for me it gets a little better every day, then I have a day where I feel like it all started over. But over all it's easier.

Today is 2 weeks in and yesterday I started feeling really blah. As the day went on I realized that blah really was just a lack of that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had felt constantly since D-day. I took it as a sign of healing.

Today it's back again. Enjoy the good moments when you can.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 501 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
yme32313
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been 8 months out of DDay and it has gotten a little bit better but I still think of it everyday. It takes time, I hope your friend is no where in your life anymore. Make sure she is completely deleted out of your life. If you have a facebook and she does too, block her. Keep her a far distance memory.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 184 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it will.

It will take time, but most importantly what you do with that time. Eventually life will take over and you will have other things, more important things to think about.

There is a thread down in the "I Can Relate" Forum dedicated to "double betrayals" (double because he/she was a friend) that you need to check out.

Crushed...you and your WS need to seek professional help working through this. It was a long term affair AND she was your (cough) "best friend" (cough) This is something you can't DIY nor can clergy truly help you through this.

Please don't try to sweep it under the rug, your WS needs to find out what is so broken inside himself he could do this to you with your best friend.

But the bottom line is eventually it will not consume your every waking hour.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ever? Yes. But not for a long time. And there is nothing to do but go through it and deal with it, day by day, step by step.

I'm so sorry. Has your WH cut off all contact? Has he given you access? Is he not just saying but doing all the right things? Don't let him blame you or justify his own actions at all.

He has hurt you so, so deeply and the healing process will be long and he needs to do everything possible.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will see that times vary,as wed o as individuals and the cases.Me, (OM was my "best friend") the worst (constant misery) was certainly over in four-six months, you may be shorter. A journal,to express yet contain the focus is a good idea. This is, however a life changing event.A few basics;drop the friend absolutely. Your husband,no contact with "friend."
It is a horrible thing to be doubly betrayed this way. I know. You will get better. Best--

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
Daddo
♂ Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it will get better - though how much and how fast is very hard to say and has much to do with how your WS responds and how successful you both are at rebuilding your relationship and building new memories together.

You say you are trying to work things out. It is way too soon to make that statement. You just took a major emotional hit - you are still bleeding, lying on the floor. You can't know what you want or how you will feel a day from now, nevermind make plans for the rest of your life.

You need 6 months to heal, to process everything, to come to grips with what you have learned -to ride this horrible rollercoaster. During those 6 months, follow the "180 rules" - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

These will help guide you on how to behave and how to get through this.

Over the following months at times you will desire your WS more than ever - and at times you will be revolted by the thought of his touching you - this is normal. Can you trust him again? Can you love him again? Trust and love take a long time to rebuild - first you need to heal before you can start.

It will get better. But you need help - a therapist, councelor, special friend - someone you can talk too. Your WS cannot be that person.

You will have oceans of anxiety and pain running through you. Meds can help - esp sleeping pills. Better still, though, is self-medicating through excercize. Start running, working out - put some of this anger energy to use - you will feel a lot better.

Keep reading, posting here - we are here to help.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2506 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
littleflower
♀ Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are here.

The double betrayal really sux :(

Are you getting MC ?

It's still so recent for you , and I'm sorry to say , it will take a while before the thoughts of the affair don't consume you.

I'm 2 months out from d day and I still think about it every day.
Little things help , I'm finding that going to the gym helps

Hugs



DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW - what a cow
3 kids under 4

Posts: 101 | Registered: Mar 2014
Hosea
♂ Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CrushedByHim:
Does anyone know how long it takes to stop constantly thinking about the 2 of them together?

I know it's painful to read, but it can take months to stop being a debilitating obsession. Even after it does, you'll still find yourself triggered back to crisis thinking by random stimuli (a pop song, a movie scene, a relic of the affair, emails, a honeymoon photo, whatever.) That can go on for several years. (I hate that this is truth, but it was in my own marriage, and is for nearly everyone here.)

To the extent that ANY of your pain, CrushedByHim, comes from you feeling made worthless by his actions, I strongly encourage you to focus on an obvious fact.

GOOD HUSBANDS do not cheat on their wives. WEAK, SELFISH, SCUMBAGS do this. Do not let your husband's lack of character, his violation of his own vows, his self-indulgence, lead you to miss the obvious.

YOU DESERVE BETTER, AND GAVE HIM BETTER. HE DESERVES WORSE AND IS UNWORTHY OF YOU.

Whether you forgive him and fully reconcile, or eventually leave- never forget that obvious fact. He needs to know this, too, and do everything in his power, having proven unworthy of you, to become the better man you deserve. Because, if he remains as he was, then you should run like hell away, and find the man who will be what it failed to be. Don't let yourself remain CrushedByHim. Know that you deserve BetterThanHim.

Stay strong. We're rooting for YOU.


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember at about a year in I woke up one morning and realized that I hadn't thought about it the day before. So for me about a year. Yep... a year.

There really is no way for the WS to fathom what their indiscretions are going to cost you. There is simply no way to quantify it or understand for them.

I can tell you this, if you both work you can get passed it. I would have told you I would never feel warm and fuzzy about my wife but I think it just might happen one day.

The trick is for you WS to be remorseful enough soon enough. Each day they aren't that happy place you have inside for them gets smaller. If they don't do their part, one day it will be gone. At that point you won't care less if you stay married or not. Also, at that point they typically realize it and finally start to act right.

It makes no sense. They will do what they are forced to and nothing else.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This will depend upon your personality to some extent. I got some relief at about 7 months. I still thought about and do everyday but I'm not in that hypervigilant survival mode that I was for the first 7 months.

Time will help and so will a remorseful spouse who actively supports the healing process. Have u fWH read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" and follow it to a "T". Lots of ppl recommend IC for you both and MC.

We've also found the books "after the affair" and "how can I forgive you" to be extremely helpful.

For me learning a lot about infidelity and coming to a firm understanding of what actually happened has helped a lot. Get a timeline and ask any questions you need to. You both need to agree on the infidelity story line meaning you have to be able to believe it in order to heal. So if you're like me this means lots of questions with repeats and helpin him and me figure out why and how he did this.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do YOU want to stay with him? Or are there other factors such as children, religion etc. ?

You should do what you want to do. He lost his say in your life when he slept with your best friend. What has happened to her by the way? Is she still in your life? I fuckin hope not. Expose her to her husband/boyfriend if she has one.

Having said all that - 2 years...


Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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