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Newest Member: NeverAgain0 (44719)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I being stubborn or realistic?
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night I freaked out a little bit and told my WH I want a divorce. I know it hasn't been that long but to me it feels like a lifetime. I told him there were things that he did during the A that I can't see myself ever forgiving or accepting. Like putting together the whole vow renewal while fully engulfed in the A. Or ruining our anniversary right after our vow renewal so he could sleep with her, and the worst is what led to DDay #2 him sleeping with her in our hotel room while I was downstairs, and spending that whole trip doing and saying everything "right" to make me believe we could get through this.

My question is during the last couple of weeks I saw things switch in him and I am now seeing remorse, that just makes me angry. So if he feels terrible about what he did and who he became then he gets a free pass? Am I just wasting both of our time and energy when I really believe 100% down deep in my soul that I can never get past this? Do these feelings change if I give it time?

My opinion is that after what he did he SHOULD pay the ultimate price. He shouldn't have the option of playing with the people that he loves and shattering their lives, and then just get to keep everything that they threw away without a second thought.

So am I rushing to a conclusion of this( I think divorce will be much easier than reconciliation). Should I give a set amount of time? I gave him 3 months and he spent six weeks of that underground with OW. I almost made it to the 3 month mark but just couldn't take it anymore.

If it is a deal breaker, can that opinion be changed? I just keep thinking this must be a deal breaker.

A friend of mine has asked me to come stay with her in a town five hours away to give myself some perspective and a break from crying, throwing up, and a love/hate relationship I have with food. That sounds great to me, but would be difficult as he works out of town and I take care of his dog and still do the books for his business.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you can go stay with your friend to get some distance. He can board the damn dog (no offense to the dog....but no reason for his pet to bind you in place!). He can also figure out what to do about his business--you don't need to feel so responsible for helping him right now.

It is fine if it is a deal breaker. Taking the A underground while renewing vows is a big, big betrayal and makes trusting again very hard.

It really will take time to see if he truly is remorseful now. And if you don't feel you have it in you to wait and monitor that remorse, that is okay. He risked losing you when he made the choices he did.

Go see your friend, focus on you, get some support and some distance, and see how you feel.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, I was thinking the exact same thing. I have not seen her in years and she is in very bad health, so why not!

I thought it was a fabulous idea as soon as she brought it up.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a big boy, his dog, his books, his problem.

Go take care of you.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
SadInNC
♀ Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breezy--I feel for your pain.

his dog and still do the books for his business.

Key words in that phrase: HIS. He can deal with what is "his." You, take care of you.

Betrayal has levels and layers to it I think. A's all suck and cause pain but some cause more pain than others due to the circumstances.

First the Affair...ouch

Vow Renewal meant nothing to him...ouch

Left you on Anniversary night for her...ouch

False R for 6 weeks...ouch

DD#2...ouch

Sex in your hotel room bed & you downstaris...ouch

I think you should take some time for yourself and go see your friend 5 hours away. Maybe he is truly remorseful now and maybe he is not. He has hurt you on so many levels. IMO, the 180 would help YOU. Forget about him (or pretend to) for a while.

Stay strong. Keep posting. You are not alone.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was horrified when I read you DD2 thread. Considering the circumstances I was surprised you agreed to reconciliation. In all honesty from everything that he has done I think given the opportunity he would make the same choices.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1231 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
LivingLearning
♀ Member
Member # 42637
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone here.

((Breezy150))


Living and learning how to move forward
Me: BGf
Him: WBf
Dday: 02/2013

Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2014
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for your responses,they help so much. I actually thought I was starting this thread to be called stubborn or selfish. Lol.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
adriana1980
♀ New Member
Member # 41780
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breezy150, you are both.... stubborn and realistic (just like me) and this is actually good.

The sooner you pull the plug on your marriage the sooner you will start healing. No woman with a healthy dose of self-respect would ever be able to get over things your husband has done to you. At 41 you are still young enough to find someone better than him. At this point of your life you need to get selfish.... nothing wrong with it.

[This message edited by adriana1980 at 6:06 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]


Posts: 37 | Registered: Dec 2013
Lobo
♀ New Member
Member # 42456
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let him worry about his dog and his books. This is your life, your happiness, and those things matter so much more. Go and visit your friend, darling, it sounds like you need each other. Hugs, stay strong.


Imagine a world where the words you speak appear on your skin. Would you be more careful of what you say?

Posts: 32 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
lastdance
♀ Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is your time,take care of you and go stay with your friend....AND DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YOU ARE......do not talk to him,no text messages,,,180 all the way ..just leave a note saying you need time to think about 'DIVORCE',,,,and leave...make sure you say nothing about where you are going,,,,,i am sorry to say this but this man does not deserve you,,he is horrible...the things he has done to you are only a testimony of his lack of care for you..he does not love or respects you...what are you doing there...run as fast as you can,,,you are so young,,,you will find a real man who acts like a real man,,,there are good guys out there not all are as evil as your husband,,,,this hubby of yours is out to destroy you,,,he only wants a dog sitter and a bookkeeper,,,,from now on just think of yourself and your bright future ahead,,,get rid of his cheating ways,YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT AND LOVED BY A GOOD DECENT MAN

Posts: 152 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update when he got home, I really let him have it, I even read some of these responses to him to kind of smack him with reality. It worked wonders really.

We talked all night, we both cried, a lot. I am starting to get some understanding, but it's a process I know. I don't have any questions about remorse, he has never let himself be vulnerable enough to cry at all. He got up this morning and immediately made an IC appointment.

I see enough good things that I will stick with my promise to give him six months, I know I said 3 in the earlier post but I had changed it to 6 on my list of boundaries.We have been through hell and high water together, I can give him this opportunity for six months to prove himself.

My IC in our last session just laughed and asked me if I realized that we had been through more things than most couples even dream of and always came out ok...bruised, battered and scarred but ok. I told her no we have had a pretty normal life, again she laughed and said no you haven't.

I know I can leave whenever I want and I am going to. This time to visit my friend, after that....whatever I want.

Thank you all for you responses, they always mean the world to me.

[This message edited by Breezy150 at 2:24 PM, March 17th (Monday)]


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck to you both Breezy. No need to give up hope yet. I am rooting for you!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say go to your friends and stay and get some perspective. I get that you are starting to see remorse and he is starting to even take action. If he is really remorseful and wants to make it work he will do anything and everything it takes and that includes waiting while you go away.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8228 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Breezy150
♀ Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ya, I am going. That never changed.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 16

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