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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: So hurt and shocked
Bridie38
♀ New Member
Member # 42801
Sad  Posted: 2:12 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi this is all new to my but here goes. been together for 42 years, married for 38 and recently discovered he has been having a relationship with OW. I suspected months ago after hearing her ask if he could talk or not on a phone conversation. i confronted him but he became defensive, denying anything. I found out after overhearing another phone conversation but him and her still denied anything. eventually after i had further proof, he confessed to 'being intimate' twice but said they never went all the way. He was sick with guilt, took off for 6 hours in his van, came back a broken man and so everyone went easy on him, but within 3 or 4 days he was back to old self. now we have slipped into a rut again and i am so unsure of what i want to do. i am scared to go it alone due to finances but don't want to be unhappy for ever.i can't forget all the hurtful things he has told her and her family about how innocent he was and i was paranoid. he even got a 2nd phone just so he could phone her. she is 13 years younger than me and i have lost all my self esteem. am so unhappy but scared and even though he has hurt me i still care for him. she has messaged me and told me her side after lying all these months. we had an awful Christmas and new year through this. he thinks we can get through it and has cut all ties with her but i can't get it out of my head, every day it plagues me and i find myself reliving everything. many thanks for listening/reading this.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for your pain.

Seeing a lawyer will help you get past the fear of finances. Alimony varies state by state but you have been together a long time so you may be in a better position than you realize. Knowledge is power and right now you could use some of that.

That said it may take time to know if you can reconcile, since initially the pain is overwhelming but if he proves he is trustworthy (transparency in all things) it may slowly improve. You will be in a better position if you can set up your boundaries though and show him consequences if they are crossed again. You have more power than you realize, you just have to find it within yourself.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3734 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
4everfaithful83
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are here Bridie38. Hugs to you.

One important thing to remember in the beginning is that you don't have to make any life changing decisions right now. Its hard in the beginning because one day you feel one way, and then next day you feel completely different!

What Norabird said is spot on -

You have more power than you realize, you just have to find it within yourself.

YES YES YES! Exactly!

Sending you some strength today!


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Smithereens
♀ New Member
Member # 42800
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please keep in mind that, at minimum, you are entitled to a portion of his social security as you have been married for more than 10 years. You're also legally entitled to a portion of his 401(k), pension, or other retirement plans. SEE A LAWYER. Don't let financial fears cripple you. Know exactly what you're entitled to, and then you can make decisions without fear blinding you.


Me - 45
Him (WS) - 45
Married 11/17/2007
I found out on 2/14/14. Happy Valentine's Day to me, right?
Reconciliation? Honestly don't know if trust will EVER be possible again

Posts: 19 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Midwestern USA
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am SO sorry for the pain, fear, and confusion that you are experiencing.

I completely agree, contact and attorney. I phoned about 3 who all spoke with me and enlightened me on the laws of my State. The phone conversations were free.

My IC first bit of advice was that I should not make any decisions right away. Had I not listened to her I may have D my WH immediately.
She also told me that marriages do survive infidelity, which ours has but it was a horribly painful journey.

Have you been to IC?

Your post does not indicate that you and your H have actively dealt with his betrayal. You need to address the issues, they will not go away. How can you process what you do not know?

Yes, it's difficult but do not let fear, in any form, paralyze you.

Wishing you strength.

(((Bridie38)))


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Nov 2011
Gemstone
♀ Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are here, but sure you will gain strength from all the wonderful friends you will have here.
Will just repeat what others have said, find out as much information as you can about your entitlements, but remember that no major decisions need to be made now, you can even start divorce proceedings if you need to as they can be cancelled, but please give yourself time to be sure what YOU need.
I hope your H is giving you all the information you ask him for, together with access to phones, computers etc. I hope he is also working damn hard to prove he loves you and how sorry he is. Tell him what you need to help you heal.

It will take a long time for you to stop thinking about it and reliving everything you know and imagining what you dont know. I am 10 months out from D day and I still have days when I can think of nothing else and dont function at all well, but there are good days as well and I have to hope that eventually the good will outweigh the bad.

Keep reading and posting, you will find it helps as everyone here knows exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling.

((hugs))


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
Bridie38
♀ New Member
Member # 42801
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your support. Sorry I omitted to say I am in the UK but there do not seem to be many support sites available over here.

Its good to know that I am not going mad and others have experienced what I am going through too.

H finally confessed as I knew something was wrong, and just kept pestering him until he spilled it all out. Maybe I should've screamed and ordered him out of my life then but he was really ill for a short while and I thought it best to let things lie until a better time. There is no good time, I know that now. He is trying to take me out more and turns his phone off at night now. The OW lives around 80 miles away but his obsession/hobby brings him into contact with her all through the spring and summer. He says he doesn't have to see her but I know they had deep feelings for each other - he told me so -and for her 'children' (21, 19 and 15). Their father left them earlier last year and it feels as though my H stepped in there and gave them lots of his time, money and affection. They were on the phone constantly to him even whilst I would be sat in the same room, pouring their hearts out to him. OW hasn't told her family of their intimacy - just that they had feelings. This seems unfair when our two sons (one emigrated last November) know it all and are hurt and shocked also. I feel so angry sometimes, but unable to move forward. I think I have to sit tight for now and find the strength to tell him I want to separate eventually - that's how I feel at the moment. He lied about me and insisted to everyone he spoke to that they had done nothing wrong and he would 'go to the wall' but then we could all get lost. So hurtful.The least thing about him irritates me and I wish he would understand what he's done and wonder how he can smile and be 'normal' when I am slipping further away from him daily. many thanks for your support, it is greatly appreciated.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slipping further away from him daily is the best thing you can do. Focusing on yourself and building up your own life will give you the strength you need to separate. What do you want for your future? Whatever your dreams are, put your energy into them. And we have lots of UK users too


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3734 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Credence
♂ Member
Member # 42682
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Bridie 38. So sorry you've joined us but glad you've found us.

He is trying to take me out more and turns his phone off at night now

Do you feel that he is showing true remorse? Is he going out of his way to help you to get through this or do you feel that he is just trying to get you off his back?
she is 13 years younger than me and i have lost all my self esteem. am so unhappy but scared and even though he has hurt me i still care for him

Why have you lost your self-esteem? A woman 13 years your junior is happy with your 'leftovers'!! In all seriousness though, it's normal for your self-esteem to take a kicking where infidelity is involved but just try to remember that the A is not your fault and it's no reflection on you.

You don't need to rush into making any decisions, just take some time and look at your options financially. Take some legal advice (you don't need to act on it just now but it might ease your burden to know exactly where you stand if you go down the D road).

Most importantly, take care of yourself. The emotional rollercoaster takes it's toll and it's important to keep hydrated and nourished. If you need to vent or you need a sounding board or a shoulder, we're here for you.


If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got

Posts: 182 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
Gemstone
♀ Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi bridie38

You are doing the right thing, sit tight get all your affairs in order, find out your entitlements and get stronger.
Your feelings for your husband are quite normal, over time these may change and you may be able to feel your love for him again.
Will he give up his hobbies to avoid contact with her, a huge part of any reconciliation is no contact.
It is very hard to forgive and impossible to forget, but if neither of you is in a rush to separate, then give yourself time to heal before taking any big steps, you will cope with whatever decision YOU make much better if you have healed a little from this devastation and put a bit of distance there.

Good luck keep reading and posting. (((((Hugs))))


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have my sympathies.

1) Get yourself tested for STDs
2) Go to a lawyer to see your options.
3) If your husband threatens self-harm, then tell him you will simply call the police.



Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
Bridie38
♀ New Member
Member # 42801
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your posts. I am going to look into my entitlements, we already did all the figures - how much it would cost us to live separately etc. he has offered me the house together with financial support. then on the other hand says he probably won't be able to keep up his hobby (big factor in all this) if he goes it alone.! had house valuation done and was much lower than expected - H knew i was disappointed but when i say i might get a 2nd and 3rd valuation, he goes all quiet and sad saying it's up to me as he's done wrong. i know he is desperate to stay together but I find myself thinking of how he spoke about me to OW and all the denials etc. and all the times he took out to eat and bought gifts for her. so confusing I can feel sorry one minute and angry the next as i wonder if he would have owned up if i hadn't forced his hand! he says he doesn't know how he got into the A, didn't see it coming and once in couldn't get out. Also says the intimacy was 'awful' and yet i overheard them chatting and him asking if she had enjoyed it. he tried to say he wasn't talking about what i think he was but know different now. OW has been cheated on 5 times in all and her H left her eventually but has been backwards and forwards several times.I wonder if others on here have felt under pressure from close family to make decisions as to whether to separate of give it a go? my sister, love her to bits, contacts me nearly every day but i dread it sometimes as she will say 'are you feeling any brighter today, you must be ' - well no i'm not, in fact last few days have felt downright depressed. have been on anti depressants for a year now and didn't think you could get down if already on meds. my d in law also keeps asking and assuming that if we aren't doing one thing, we must be going our separate ways. i don't know what to keep saying as don't want them to think i am 'dragging it out' but these decisions are so massive i don't want to make a mistake. sorry for long post and thanks in advance.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
Gemstone
♀ Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bridie.

I am glad you are getting things sorted, it will be one less job if you do decide to Divorce.
I do know how difficult it is to get past what he has done and said, and the question of whether he would have told you or ended it if you hadn't found out is one that seems to stay with you, at 10 months out for me it is a little easier but a long way from no longer being an issue.

Please try not to let your family force an early decision from you, I know it must be difficult, but they don't know how it feels and you must be allowed to take whatever time you need. Try telling them that you appreciate their concern and you know it comes from love, but that it is a massive decision and you need time but that you will tell them as soon as you know yourself.
I can't help any more with that issue as I haven't told any family/friends and I decided straight away that I did want my marriage to continue (although there are times .....)
Hugs to you, take care


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
Topic Posts: 13

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