I wanted to introduce myself and get the Found Out part out there.
It's so long, but I want to explain it the best I possibly can. If it's too long to post in this forum, I can try a shorter post.
WS and OW were coworkers at work. Their friendship and work relationship began in 2005.
February, 2012 I learned of an affair between OW and my WS after seeing an instant message on Google chat between OW and WS which said “xoxoxoxo.” I saw it, because it was in an open chat window when I went to use the computer and I read it.
I asked WS about it, he said it was harmless flirting.
That day I looked at WS google IM, as the chat window was open. I found that he had turned all of his chats with OW to off the record, which means the conversation will not be saved and there will be no record of it.
I further looked into it and found WS had saved some of the messages, which were of a romantic nature and both OW and WS making plans and expressing their feeling for each other which stretched back for several years. The messages were also in email form.
I called WS at work to ask him about the relationship and he denied having a romantic relationship with OW. I then told him that I saw the instant messages and emails and I know what is going on. (He works 5 minutes from our home and refused to come home to face me in person)
At first he said it was a one-time occurrence and she had given him a blow job. Upon further gentle respectful prodding he admitted that he had had sex with her once while drunk.
(I know he is not telling the truth, because the emails and instant messages between WS and OW stretched back months and years.)
I did not save the emails or instant messages because I was in shock, and by the time I thought to save them that day, WS had deleted all the email and messages between himself and OW.
WS did not come home to talk to me about it that day, choosing to use the phone, even though he works 5 minutes from our home and could have come home for lunch. He chose to let me handle this all by myself.
Upon arriving home, he told me to “Let him have it” which I refused to do. When our Autistic son went to sleep we talked about it I asked him if he was in love with her and he said no.
WS said “I am sorry your feelings got hurt, but I am not sorry I had a relationship with her. I did what I had to do at the time. I was not going to wait around forever.”
WS said the entire relationship had occurred during the time I had asked for a possible divorce. After 1 month, we decided to stay together and not get divorced.
However, he continued the relationship with her, flirting and communications and seeing her, which is why I saw the Instant message months after we decided to stop any divorce plans and to try our best to repair this marriage and make it work for both of us.
I then asked him what the relationship is because I did not understand what it is and he did not want to talk about that with me, saying “I (he) would not want to know.”
Well, I truly needed to know, and that aspect of it has not been resolved. I have attempted to bring it up several times, and WS has refused to open up about it. (He has since let me in on a few things. He admitted to “going out with her a few times”.)
After talking to WS, I decided to “Throw it away” meaning I just wanted to forget WS’s relationship with OW ever happened and forgive him and move on with WS. Forgetting was just easier than dealing with it.
And partly because WS became angry andmade me feel guilty by bringing up our sexual and marital issues for full justification of the relationship and the sexual relationship he had with her. He said he was justified in sleeping with her. I asked WS to end the relationship and WS said he would end the relationship.
My feelings at the time were: This situation will make us stronger and I am going to give this all I have because I don’t want to lose him. I need to do my best to earn him back, so he does not cheat on me again.
So I made sure to have sex with him at least once a day, partly to make him happy, and partly because I need to feel desired and have him be hungry for me, instead of OW. (Hysterical bonding) I thought if I kissed his ass and buried my feelings about it, it would go away. It did not go away.
Soon after I had asked WS to end the friendship, I noticed that OW’s phone number was still on his contacts phone dial list. I also noticed that he did not delete her off his email and IM list. Instead of formally ending the friendship, he changed her name on the phone contact list to hide the relationship. She was also continuing to instant message him.
I asked him why he had not ended the friendship and he said he “Did not want to have any drama with her.” And "I ended it by not talking to her anymore and I will NOT call her to break up because I already did by not contacting her."
WS continues his deceits to this day. He goes out with the guys from work, and on more than one occasion does not call me to let me know he will be going out and when he will be home or what he is doing.
I make dinner each night and on nights that he goes out without telling me, the dinner goes cold and our son and I eat alone. This happens way more than I can handle. It affects our son too, because he never knows when Daddy will be home and I have to make excuses for WS, to protect my son.
WS also goes to bars nearly every day for lunch and drinks with his friends and flirts with the waitresses.
On many occassions, WS texts me “My boss has me cornered. I will be home later"
When I asked WS about it when he got home, he said he was drinking with his coworkers. So where was WS and what was he doing truly? I cannot be sure, because I cannot trust him.
September 5, at 6:58 pm texted me with: Lost track of time, leaving now.” Then at 7:30 pm texted me with: “Boss wont stop sorry.” When I confronted him he admitted he was out drinking with his friends.
There are many other instances during the time when the relationship with OW was occurring that he did not come home until 8 or 9pm and did not call or text me to let me know he was going to be home or where he was.
He knew I would stay at home because I care for our autistic son and he had all the privacy he needed(s) to make an affair(s) happen. He used me as his babysitter so he could (Can) go out with her(s).
Also, He often went out with her and coworkers to bars, without inviting me or telling me where he is. When I asked to go with him, he says “We are out talking about work, it would bore you.”
To be honest, I felt something was really wrong and the possibility of a relationship was there. I knew they had feelings for each other and had a caring friendship. Even on linkedin.com WS mentioned what a great coworker she is in a recommendation. I think they love(ed) each other from the way he cared for her and the things he did for her that he was not doing with me. (Which I can provide examples of.) but I would/could not do anything about it at the time, because my son is autistic and his needs came first, and also I was isolated and very sad and heartbroken.
WS took advantage of the fact that I would always be home to care for our special needs son and knew I was so sad and vulnerable that he could do whatever he wanted to do for himself and I could not stick up for myself.
I am not sure where to put this but I wanted to make note of it: Here is his recommendation of her on Linkedin.com: “OW is a dedicated employee, conscientious and hard worker with an awesome ability to retain information. OW is trustworthy and loyal and someone I greatly admire professionally and personally. OW is a GREAT resource person, mentor and friend.”
I know they care about each other to this day, because if he did not care for her, he would not be protecting her, and he would have formally ended the friendship, instead continuing to hide her from me.
We has gone to therapy for about a year after, but he goes in smelling of beer and without anything to talk about. He will not do the homework the therapist asks of him nor will he take the medication his Dr. prescribed to him.
We stopped going to therapy in November, 2013 when I found eyeliner in his cup holder in his car while we were on a very rare date. He yelled at me, said he has no idea where it came from and accused me of possibly planting it. This was not my eyeliner, and it's a $20 Urban Decay pencil. Women Don't just lose a $20 eye pencil.
That is where we are . This is where I am right now. I am hurting on so many levels. The pain of living with this is suffocating me. I don’t sleep well at night and wake up in the middle of the night crying, and unable to go back to sleep for an hour or so. I am constantly lashing out at WS and am unable to be myself in this relationship or as a person. This
WS’ affair with OW is also affecting our son. He may be somewhat aware of the affair, I am not sure, but is aware WS and I are having issues and our arguments scare the shit out of him on many levels. WS short-changes me...but what really gets me is that he short changes our son. That's just fucking unacceptable!
I don’t know if we can recover from this. I am devastated and life is consumed by rage, despair, sadness and anger, and I am suffering from very low self-esteem. He will not leave the house if I ask for a devorve and our special needs son requires much care. He is in school from 8:15 am until 1:30 pm. I would not make enough money to support myself and Denver if I had to on my own, working part time. But I am doing a bunch of homework to see what I can do to get our son and myself out.
Ideally I would like to repair this relationship, but with WS’ continued deceit and lack of support and respect on this issue, it’s something I will have to walk away from because I can’t and won’t continue to live with the anger, self-loathing and deep sorrow, this has caused. (I feel about 100 different ways throughout the day, every day.)
WS has also said “You can’t hold this over my head forever.”