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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife's AP is dead
Burnedonce
New Member
Member # 42784
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And no...I did not kill him.

A little background: wife had an affair with a douchebag of the highest order. One of those guys who is very suave, talks in circles, and plain knows how to work a woman. Wife and I were having our issues and this piece of work, who left his two small children a country away because his wife was, and I quote, "a bitch," swoops in and helps her forget her problems.

Long story short, he's having affairs with more than a few women, at least two who are married, but my wife decides she's in love with him. We talk divorce, she wants to stay with me but can't get him out of her system until he basically goes cold on her when she doesn't leave me or he chooses another woman...probably a little of both.

Few days ago I found out that the dude has died and I'm not sure how to handle it with my wife. We've been OK (not great) for a while now, but just the mention of his name brings up feelings inside me that I have a hard time controlling. I'm not sure what to do. Wife hasn't brought it up to me, but I know that his death is hard on her and I know that she's afraid to talk about it with me. Should I bring it up myself? Can I be honest about my feelings?

I'd like to say that I'm not happy that he died...but that's not entirely true. I'd like to say that I don't think he deserved it, but a little part of me doesn't believe that. I am sorry that his kids lost their dad, who they apparently adored, but I want to so badly tell the truth about the man who tried to tear my world apart. I can't stand reading the online guest book, set up by his ex-wife, in which my wife posted and which all talk about how he so positively affected the lives of others. I am sorry that I never got to kick his ass. I am sorry that I'll never get my wife to see what a bastard he was. Mostly, I'm sorry that he'll almost always be a part of my life with my wife.

What in the hell do I do, if anything?


Me BS 43
Her WS 35
Kids: my pride and joy 6 & 8
Married 9 years 7/3/2004
DD 12/10/2010. Christmas was a blast!

Reconciled...I suppose.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
mesoSTUPID
♀ Member
Member # 35679
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any advice to offer, but just know that you've been heard. I hope someone comes along and is able to offer some support.

I wish my H's AP was dead, but then again I don't wish for her 4 children to loose their mommy.


ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!

Posts: 195 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Miami
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't stand reading the online guest book, set up by his ex-wife, in which my wife posted

What? This is breaking NC of sorts. Did she tell you? Are you ok with she writing that?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I be honest about my feelings?

If you can't, what is the point of staying married?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2978 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5 years ago, if this would have happened to the OM my XWW had an A with. The one that I finally caught her in. Most likely I would have gone to his gravesite with a camping chair, radio and a couple of six packs and had myself as little celebration. And I literally would have pissed on his grave, I shit you not. That's how much hate I had for this man. Yet today I would actually feel sorry for his family and would most likely ask that god to forgive him for what he had done. I have leaned to let the hatred go, not because I think OM deserves my forgiveness or that I feel he has learned from his mistakes. But because I needed to let go of the hate that was consuming me. And I can say the same thing about my XWW. Because after my initial D-day and subsequent S/D I have learned that the person I M was not who she pretended to be. But you learn to live with the past and move on from it. Because if you don't your life will never get better. And to be honest neither my XWW or her OM were never anything special. Two broken people so consumed with their own self satisfaction that they simply did not care who they hurt with their behaviors. I had to move on from it for me and only me.

Naturally for me its much easier because I did not R with my XWW. You on the other hand have the added issue of her mourning a person you so despise, and understandably so. Its not an easy place to be in my man. And I have to say you are showing more compassion then I would have. And your a better man for that. I don't know if I could be with someone and watch this unfold. Yet at the same time I feel that no matter who the OM was, no matter how much I hated him for doing what he did. The bottom line is that I was not M to him. Sure he was a POS scumbag who not only fucked with my life, but many other lives as well. My XWW was not his first A and I'm sure not his last either. And vice versa with my XWW. But today I hold no hatred for him, nor do I have hatred for my XWW. I think the two of them are fucked up beyond help to this day. But I don't hate them. I actually pity them. But after all that said, if I were in R with my XWW I would not tolerate any sort of open grief and mourning in my presence. Because to me that would add more disrespect towards me then the A had already inflicted. And it sure would be a big red flag if that did happen. Because to me it would signify that my WW still harbored deep feelings for the OM. And just because someone is no longer fucking another, its still shows that I hold the title of second best. And I could not and would not stand for it.

If I were you I would watch her carefully now. Because its times like this when the real truth comes out. If she were to break down balling her eyes out in grief for her OM in my presence, well that would be it for me. And I don't mean that because I'm some hard assed MF'er and happy the dude is dead. But because it would show that she has not moved away from the fantasy and selfishness that was the A. Conversely if she were to have the attitude that she felt sorry that he was dead and was remorseful for what they both did, well I could understand and tolerate that. I might not like it, but I could understand it. But as far as breakdown, tearful grief ? I don't think so. To me this would be a very good barometer to judge her sincerity to you and the R. At the very least she should not show open hurt in front of you. Because that would not only be a slap in your face, but a sign that her heart still belongs to another. And what's the point of R'ing with a woman who's heart belongs to another. Dead or alive it does not matter to me. Take a good look at this situation brother, because not many of us get a real chance at testing the resolve and sincerity of our WS. This is one of those scenarios that would make or break things for me. And don't even think I'd allow any sort of ideas of attending a funeral, wake or any other celebration of his life. Especially if it were done behind my back, because that would be the final straw in my book. This is just how I personally feel, I'm sure other people might disagree. But this is where the rubber hits the road my man. I hope things turn out well for you bro.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5720 | Registered: Nov 2007
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wtf ?!?!?

Your wife posted on the online guest book?

...?!?!?!


Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unacceptable. Signing his book shows lack of remorse, disrespect and ........WOW. Clueless or she doesn't care about you. Neither are acceptable. She should be thinking of you first.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 409 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and if the OM's wife ever learns of the A .. it adds a nice pile of crap to her life. not only was her husband a cheat but one of the women he was with actually signed the guest book. incredibly callous action, not just to you but also the other BS.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2014
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burned,

Sorry that you are here. Post anything and everything that you want.

A couple of questions:

--How long ago was the affair?
--Did you discover, or did she confess?
--Did either, or both of you, seek counseling?
--You say things have been OK. Has this affair just kind of been rugswept...or ignored?
--What has she not said, but done to show you she is committed to your marriage?
--Are children involved?

There are worse things than divorce. One of those scenarios would be staying married to someone who wasn't committed to me. It would only be a matter of time until Mr. Suave 2.0 comes into your life.

If you are comfortable enough, let us know a little more of your situation, and we can help you out a lot more than right now. While every story is different, you will also see how eerily similar that they can be.

Just know that you found a great place for support.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It says a lot about you that you are concerned with your wife's feelings over all this.

For me, I am no one's second choice.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are handling this very compassionately, and it says a lot about your character.

I'd share my feelings.

The first I'd share is that signing the online guest book not only broke NC and demonstrated you were her fall-back, but ALSO was potentially harmful to the dead man's ex-wife, who was also a BS and simply did NOT need to hear how other women valued her once-husband. I'd share that this simple act was supremely foolish, harmful, and selfish.

Her affair partner's death is not something you should be required to help her navigate.

How long ago was this affair?


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8830 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

in which my wife posted and which all talk about how he so positively affected the lives of others.

What did your wife write in this book. Did she post how he was so positive for those around and he positively affected the lives of those around him.

I would be livid!

That is a slap in your face and a kick in the groin by your wife.

Your DD was more than 3 years ago and your wife is still not over this guy.

The OM in my life also died several years after the affair, my wife didnt show any emotions either way. I was relieved knowing I would not have to think about him being on the same Earth as me.

I would be tempted to write something in this book...doesnt this OM wife have any idea what he did. I dont know if I would write anything though.

It sounds to me your wife has no clue the damage she has done just by having an affair in the first place. I dont know your story...was her affair more or less swept under rug.


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Jun 2002
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her affair partner's death is not something you should be required to help her navigate.

This is so true. Any grieving for him in front of you is so out of line and disrespectful. Signing his online guest book is breaking NC. I would escort her out of your home and let her grieve elsewhere until she figures herself out. Her grieving is not about his death but about the loss of her AP she still has huge feelings for. You are still Plan B my friend. Like Stonger said....watch this closely and YOU take control of this.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
ruby44
♀ Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everything that has been said, I wanted to point out how very selfish your WW has been by posting to the page. That page is specifically to offer condolences to the grieving family, I assume the ex wife set it up for his young children so that friends and family can give them something to reflect back on as time goes by. How dare your WW post, what will those children think when they find out who she is and what she did. She was not a friend or family and should suffer silently, she is clearly still only thinking of herself. Shame on her! If it can be deleted, it should be, protect those children from knowing the truth.


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.
Lies!

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice, just wanted to say I hope that slug is roasting marshmallows in hell. Sorry for your pain.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Feb 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a hard situation, mostly because your reconciliation is perhaps revealed under the stress to be somewhat patched together if you cannot address this together.

For your own sake, try to accept the peace of knowing this man is gone from the world and let go of your unresolved emotions about him, since he is no longer among us. But your wife's unresolved feelings are another matter. Hopefully if you can talk openly you can bridge the gap between you and at last become closer....or else she may confess that her heart is still not fully in the M. It's worrying to me that all these years later you are afraid to bring these issues into the open together.

Sending peace and strength to you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I would have so much trouble connecting with her on this level because I would be so pissed she commented on the guestbook.

Truly?! That is so disrespectful to you and to his family. If she has something positive to say about a man that helped her ruin her integrity and her soul while destroying you....SHE IS NOT IN RECOVERY. It sounds like she is still in limbo, lala land for the guy or a fog still. How can she reconcile and still have a positive opinion of a man of such low integrity?

Sorry I can't give you any advice. I am just too angry for you. My heart is truly breaking for you that you are still trying and she is still "in love" with this man and will always see him as her "lost soul mate shit".


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW...MAKE her DELETE her comment on the Guest Book. Honestly, the nerve....

This is what she wants his family to have after she helped destroy that poor OBS. Selfish.

If I was that other man's wife, I would hunt her down to kick her ASS. So disrespectful, disgusting, and cruel.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Burnedonce
New Member
Member # 42784
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow...you guys seem to be in complete accord about her condolences. It is a mild irritant to me, but you are all right about it being a form of contact. I HAVE to address that with her. She did not tell me about doing so. She didn't even tell me that he was dead. Found out on my own. She was acting strangely so I went through her phone and found out that he had died. Also reinforced that knowledge through a Facebook post made by someone in a community that I belong to. I think she is more clueless and selfish than she is non-caring about me, but maybe I'm deluding myself.

A few things:

1) I don't know if his ex-wife knows of the affair, but I'm pretty sure that she knows that her husband was having affairs...I imagine that was the impetus for the divorce.
2) affair lasted four months. She had very sporadic contact for about 7 months after that...then nothing for the last 2+ years. Found out by myself, she did not confess.
3) we did counseling together for a few months while the affair was going on (all was in the open)...then were getting ready to D. We stopped counseling (funds, seemed useless) and the the affair ended and we "reconciled." We could use some counseling now but can't afford it.
4) we have two children...6 & 8
5) what kinds of things would show me that she is committed to us? I guess if I have to ask that question, she hasn't.
6) she has not broken down emotionally in front of me or cried at all because she knows how I'll take that (I know that from looking at her phone). But it is apparent that his death has hurt her deeply. She texted one of her friends that she feels better now and is basically back to normal. She has "tried hard to forget him over the years."

Here's the text of her guest book post, "Qué mucho lo quisimos. Qué mucha falta va ha hacer. Todavía no puedo creer que ya no está con nosotros. Mis oraciones están con su familia, especialmente con sus hijos, que tanto quiso." I'm not exactly sure what the phrases mean as my Spanish is not great...but at least she focussed her post more on the kids and family.

What do you think?

Thanks so much for the advice and letting me vent. You guys are fantastic!


Me BS 43
Her WS 35
Kids: my pride and joy 6 & 8
Married 9 years 7/3/2004
DD 12/10/2010. Christmas was a blast!

Reconciled...I suppose.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
Burnedonce
New Member
Member # 42784
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, March 15th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right...we're not truly reconciled. Gotta get to work on that. What can I do to start that process in our particular circumstance? If she's still harboring feelings for someone else...she's not truly committed to me. How do you get someone to stop having feelings for someone else? Is it just time to walk?


Me BS 43
Her WS 35
Kids: my pride and joy 6 & 8
Married 9 years 7/3/2004
DD 12/10/2010. Christmas was a blast!

Reconciled...I suppose.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Mar 2014
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