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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: so many fears
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can i confront without revealing my sources? I want to be able to continue to use them.
I know he will deny and deny so i expect to need to provide proof to get this conversation moving.

Help


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Mar 2014
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing is wrong with you....everything is wrong with him! Do NOT blame yourself for his selfish actions. He is not in pain, but completely sick in the head! Start your journey and focus on YOU! He doesn't deserve you focusing on him. I know the thought of the future scary but there is no doubt about it that you will grow tremendously in ways you don't even realize at the moment.

We are all understand and here for you on your journey. It is not fair and not right but we understand your pain!

Keep your chin up and find your inner strength. You've got this and will make it through!!! Hugs!!!


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 312 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can stonewall if he asks how you know. Just say you do. That's the part that matters, not how, and if he just wants to focus on how you found out, he's not getting it--the real issue is his behavior.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3608 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to tell him how you know, just that you DO. Do not ask him IF he is doing this, tell him that you KNOW that he is.

How did you find out that the other BS is aware?


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good men fight for his woman, even when he sins.. he sees his sin and wants to no longer be that man.

t/j - Sorry, but I just had to say how much I LOVE this quote.....


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another one saying you don't reveal your sources-ever. Say you know. If he asks how you know say that doesn't matter, what matters is that I know.

As long as you are worried about how things will fall down on your husband, he will continue to treat you like you don't matter. Nobody should be treated that way, especially a spouse. You need to start being concerned about yourself.

Start exposing. Kick him out. He wants her-let her have him. I'd drop all his stuff off at her house in hefty bags. You could just leave it out on the front lawn.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 677 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the other BS knows because i have Hs email password and i saw an email from OW sayg her H recorded their conversations w a secret pin.
She also said that her H accused her and 'he believes it'. 'It' meaning that she is involved w my H, i presume.

I know you all are tell me the right thing, to look out for me, stand up for me... But its really difficult. It something i hav to explore further in IC.

In my last session i talkd abt the women i grew up around didnt stand their grounds either, so i at least know where i learned it from. They all accepted crappy treatment in some form. Why i am havg so much trouble breakg free from that pattern is another story

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 12:50 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Mar 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imissmyhub, there was a story in, After the Affair by Janis A Spring that reminds me of your story. The H, cake eating, the wife hoping he "sees the light" and the AP waiting in the wings.

The wife eventually played it cool. Was friendly, but kept busy, went about her life, no begging, pleading, etc. The AP grew more demanding. Turns out, he wasn't so in love with the AP after all. He eventually realized what a jackass he had been and wanted to come home.

The sitch as is, cannot sustain itself. You need to be the change you want to see. Isn't that a saying on greeting cards? Be the Change you Wish to See in the World?

You can do this.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2104 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you all are tell me the right thing, to look out for me, stand up for me... But its really difficult. It something i hav to explore further in IC.

In my last session i talkd abt the women i grew up around didnt stand their grounds either, so i at least know where i learned it from. They all accepted crappy treatment in some form. Why i am havg so much trouble breakg free from that pattern is another story

It's a journey for sure. Keep exploring it in IC and maybe the light will dawn. If we could see our problems and fix them by snapping our fingers, the world would be a different place! But instead it is a long process. Starting to ask the questions is huge though. We all are accountable (though not blame-worthy) for our own attitudes, and yet often don't quite know what drives them; it's like unpeeling an onion or unknotting a ball of string to try and figure it all out.

Keep building up your knowledge of yourself and your strength will come out of that knowledge. Be the woman who breaks the pattern. You can do it. We believe in you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3608 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Imiss,
You know that you are in a safe place here. More importantly you know we are trying to help you from mistakes we have made and seen others make.

I am also going to be me, and not pull any punches here, and give you my take on this.

You are in an abusive relationship. Yes you are. Any man that has an A, and makes his wife a choice is abusing her.

Your fear of the OW's spouse harming your spouse is really unfounded, there are stories, and so forth of a cop losing it and shooting the AP, but believe me more often than not they don't. Why would he risk his prosperity, his profession, his livelihood to harm some man that his wife CHOSE to sleep with.

You on the other hand have allowed fear to paralyze you. You cannot allow this. Do you realize the horrible example you are setting for your kids? That is acceptable for a man to treat his wife like an option, that lies are ok, that you don't deserve respect? No Way sister. You need to pull up your big girl britches, and start taking control of the situation.

You said you don't want to confront because you will loose your source? Why is this important? You already know he is cheating. What is your plan. Are wanting to R? If so why? And don't tell me because you love him. What are the real reasons you are choosing R over D. Lets get the stuff you are afraid of out on the table.

You mention you are afraid of losing him. Honey you already have. You are allowing your husband to have a girlfriend. That is not ok.

See a lawyer immediately. Find out your rights, his responsibilities, and what would happen should you have to get tough and show him the door.
Read up on 180 start implementing it, this will give you strength.
See a Dr, and if you are not sleeping and having trouble with eating talk to them about it, in addition have STD testing done. If you can't sleep then you can't keep emotions in check and make sound decisions. Sleep deprivation is real and harmful. Get some meds to help you through this if you need to. No shame in it.

You deserve so much more in life. Time to start reaching out and getting it.

Keep reading, keep posting.
I bumped some great topics the ones with bullseyes, if you haven't read them please do. I wish I had that info prior to confrontation.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since your WH is OW immediate supervisor he is risking his job and his family's financial security. I would ask him isn't he afraid her H might find out and tell his company?



BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tushnurse gave you some SOLID advice imissmyhusb. Seriously, read that last post a few times.

You on the other hand have allowed fear to paralyze you. You cannot allow this. Do you realize the horrible example you are setting for your kids? That is acceptable for a man to treat his wife like an option, that lies are ok, that you don't deserve respect? No Way sister. You need to pull up your big girl britches, and start taking control of the situation.

Also, you need not reveal your source to confront. That is YOUR biz. You need to get your power back.

The teeter-totter is waaaay off balance here.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2104 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again for your replies

Tushnurse pls be you :-) i need to hear it

All out in the table, here it is...
- i dont wanna raise my kids alone
- this shit is embarrassing.
- i dont have a job and dont know when i will get one that cn sustain my family without him. I have no savings and if he doesnt give me what i need im kinda screwed
- i do love him and i am hopg, based on resding posts on this site, that he will emerge from the fog and mend his crazy ways like some other WSs did.
- it hurts that he doesnt love me anymore and i want to feel that from him again
- i dont wanna have to explain 'why daddy left' to my kids

So many reasons that im sure are desperate attempts to save what feels like my life! This is the worst and im scared


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Mar 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i do love him and i am hopg, based on resding posts on this site, that he will emerge from the fog and mend his crazy ways like some other WSs did.

(gently) imiss, they don't just "emerge" from the fog. It takes place after some major introspection on their part and most often when the BS takes a hard approach.

i dont wanna have to explain 'why daddy left' to my kids

You don't have to explain it to them. He can do that. But really, wouldn't you rather let them know when they can fully understand, how Mommy used every ounce of strength she had inside of herself, picked herself up and came through a horrible time with sheer guts and a whole lot of effort and found a much better life?

That's a much better story then fighting for this excuse of a man.

I wish you well Imissmyhusb


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2104 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm other than his financial support aren't you already easing your kids alone?!? I know I was when H was in his A.
Do not assume that e will not provide you financial support. There are laws to protect you and your kids. Do not assume you know what will happen. SEE A LAWYER.

As far as revealing your source I would quickly reach out to the APs spouse and work together to drag this ugly shitstorm out into the bright daylight where it will shrivel up and die. You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. Now if you continue to allow him to have a wife AND a girlfriend and do nothing then you will have something to e ashamed of.

As far a the kids go, they are far more intuitive than you know. It isn't your job to explain why daddy left, that is on him. Honestly the day I threw H out and told him it was up to him to explain to my kiddos why dad wouldn't be here anymore. That I think is. Big reason why he finally got it. He was going to loose it all.

It's up to you to put you and your kids first. He won't do that. He is worried about himself and his ego only. To get him back and out of the fog isn't some magical mystery. It is taking control and telling him you will not tolerate one more minute of it. But be ready o follow through. Because even if he wants to stay, he will try to have his cake and eat it too, or his wife and girlfriend both.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for bumping those posts. I had read them months ago as a lurker

Lots of good info here

I found out where OW H works... How to start that conversation OMG


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Mar 2014
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 25th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you talk to him?????


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Imissmyhusb
♀ Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who, to my WH or the OWH?

I did not speak to OWH yet. Im overthinking it, worrying about where the chips will fall. I hav his job number. Im thinking of telling him that i am suspicious and see what he says. What do u guys think? Is there a better way to approach it?

I tried talking to my WH but he is still denying the A so thats that. We had a really good talk, then made the best love - omg it was awesome - HB i guess. Then i told him 'she doesnt love you'. It came outta nowhere and i figured since he seemed so loving and open and listening to me that he would listen to that. But no. He clammed back up and got mad, askg me what i know, what am i basing this on, defendg her, etc. the next day we talkd a bit more, he ate and then said he was going out 'for juice'. He was gone for 4 hrs, told me he was 'thinking and driving around'. But i saw the phone records and he calld her not more than 5 min aftr he left home and they talkd for an hour. Then they talked back and forth for the next 2 hrs, abt ten calls btwn them - 10 min, 5 min, 17 min, etc. Im sure he blabbed our entire conversation to her and they r plottg on how to hide some more. Pissed me off. Im done trying to make him see the light. Now i am lining up my ducks. This week i am looking for a L to consult with.


Met '95 - dated '97 - married '03 - dday '13
3 kids 7y and 4y twins, me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 194 | Registered: Mar 2014
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Imissmyhusb,

It sounds like you've realized you can't nice your WH back. Taking the first steps are hard but always remember that you can file for D and stop it from finalizing if he truly comes to you remorseful, stops denying the A, and takes full responsibility for it without blaming you, your marriage, or anyone else for his actions. I would highly suggest not sleeping with him again until OW is out of the picture through him going NC with her. Continuing to be a wife for him will continue to enable his cake eating.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The disrespect they show is so staggering. I'm glad you're going to cut him off from his cake-eating. You deserve so much more.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3608 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
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