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Newest Member: confusedwife32 (44902)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Found out last week
reddragon317
♂ New Member
Member # 42762
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Story: I am a very recently retired military officer. My wife and I have been married almost 16 years (I was in military 27 years). My last year in the military my wife and I started having problems (both of us were contributing to the issues but no betrayal). Around December of 13 she started to visit the older boys (2.5 hours away) over the weekend, every weekend. Our problems peaked in Jan 2014. Then, I knew she was prepping to leave and I (with the help of my counselor) was preparing for this eventuality. Then VERY abruptly, to me (around mid/end of Jan) she sat me down and said she has recommitted to me, us, and our marriage. To say the least I was very happy. The next 5 weeks was awesome. On 4 Mar I started to get this feeling of dread (I'm very intuitive). I checked our phone records and found she made a call to an HIV hotline. Long story short I confronted her and she admitted to cheating on me with her ex (the step sons father) in early Jan. She tells me she wasn't thinking and "went crazy", her meds were all messed up and her therapist was poisoning her against me (she was our marriage counselor and I quit going because she was hugely bias against me and was putting ALL of our issues in my lap). Any advice. I dealing better than I expected but I can't get gut wrenching images out of my head, esp when I sleep. I know her ex knows how to manipulate her and knew of our problems (through their boys). Although she played her part, I feel (as a psych nurse) that she was in an extremely psychology weakened state and he took advantage. If I did the same thing to one of my patients I would loose my license and be put in jail...so although she was willing I feel this was rape or am I just being and idiot...thoughts.


Michael


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Columbus, OH
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome reddragon.

I'm glad you found us and I'm sorry your here.

or am I just being and idiot

Gently - you're trying to rationalize her behavior for her.

She cheated. End of story. It was a decision she made, at each and every moment along the way she could have chosen something different.

Others will be along with more insight them that.

Have you contacted an IC for yourself?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoah! I am very sorry this happened to you, and your wife getting taken advantage of, but this is NOT rape. Rape is not something to be thrown around or used lightly, and it is this nonchalant use that has led to the ABUSE of the word. Was your wife weakened and easily manipulated? Maybe. Does that constitute rape? I am offended that this is even a thought. She cheated, she wasn't raped.

You said it yourself: She was willing. She was NOT raped, by any stretch of the imagination.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 8:58 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry this has happened. All betrayals are different, the great commonality, the immense pain of the betrayed). Two axis of her action- "quality" : one act is a real betrayal but in real evaluation, "quantity"is also a factor, since how long equates to how many lies and in the long run,for almost everybody, it is the deceit that wounds far more and longer than the sex. If your wife's is telling the truth,to be blunt, her wandering is of a relatively short duration -see stories here.I think that matters.
I believe in the concept and reality of diminished responsibility; only you can judge if your professional back ground is inclining to too easily excuse; I'd say maybe not. Maybe you see accurately.People are flawed, often weak and at times, not in full moral control of themselves.
She can help you by being fully forthcoming.She needs to be truly remorseful for her transgression and your injury.If so, it is back to you-do you love her enough to go forward, is it practical-fundamentally can you trust her and no onus on you IF the answer to any of those is No.
That's my short reply. My back story:my wife brutally betrayed me for two years with my "best" friend.It is a wound I will never get over.But after (and during) her doing "all the right things" I had a decision to make- throw her away?
She was more than her treason, there were good odds she never would be so again and,in her own human possession,she still had the qualities I first loved in her. Beauty, bravery, intellect.So, for over 15 years later, we have made our lives together. All cases are different.And the terrible pain you are feeling in this early period will get better.And thank you for your service to our nation.

Posts: 179 | Registered: Jan 2014
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome. I'm sorry that you have the reason to be here, but I'm very glad that you found us for support.

Listen. If her infidelity was with her MC, then I would agree that a professional line was severely crossed. However please don't even try to minimize her "decision" to be unfaithful to you by trying to call it rape. Unless her X forced himself upon her, it wasn't. Yes, people can be more and less susceptible to influences at various times of their lives, but each person has a choice, and a whole series of little decisions to make before they get to the part where clothing comes off and tab a fits into tab b. She made the decision to be unfaithful to you. She needs to own that. Yes, the X may have acted like a horndog and sniffed out that she was vulnerable, but bottom line is that she had the power to say no, but chose not to.

Given that you are in the medical field, I'm assuming that you (and she) have already made your appointments for full STD/HIV panels to be run and that you are also making the follow-up appointments in 4-6 months for the secondary testing. But YOU need to see her official results or the doctor's office needs to tell you personally what her results are. You cannot trust that she will not lie to you if there is bad news.

If you have not done so already, please look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Also, any post in the first 3 pages of this forum that has a red target on it should be read as well (the 1st page). This is information that you need to have, written by experienced people. It will help, trust me.

Keep coming back often for support. We got your back. You'll find a lot of military here active and former. I'm a navy brat and former corpsman myself.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4794 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
norabird
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Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's tempting to blame the OM because if he was the aggressor or 'to blame' in your mind, you can still love your wife and try to move on from it without first confronting HER part in it. But she bears equal responsibility, whatever her state of mind was. Making him the one who has taken advantage ignores the fact that her boundaries with him were flawed on her side.

I hope she can start seeing a new therapist stat.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
toomanyregrets
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Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, March 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry your here. It's a lousy place to be.

One thing that caught my eye was that you said,

I checked our phone records and found she made a call to an HIV hotline.

Did your WW think that she might have contracted something? If so, have you been checked for STD's ?

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 3:00 PM, March 13th (Thursday)]


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 466 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RedDragon,

Your wife lied and cheated. It has been going on longer than you think.

And her ExH needs to be dealt with.

Put him on Cheaterville.

If this happened to me I would let her family and his family know what they have been up to.

But that choice is up to you.

HM


Posts: 849 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also

Please fire the marriage counselor.


Posts: 849 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
stronger08
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Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others that this is nothing more then a typical run of the mill A. There are no mitigating circumstances, she was not manipulated into sleeping with her Ex, he did not rape her and her IC did not force her to sleep with him. As a professional I think you know this, but as a hurting human being your looking for other answers. But there is no other answer, the fact is she cheated and that is that. She has issues and refuses to accept them. What I got from her half assed confession was nothing more then blame, blame, blame, deflect, deflect, deflect. And you more so than others should know that until a person admits they have an issue, it can never be properly dealt with. Thus far she has not accepted her fault in the behaviors and until she does your stuck with an unremorseful WS. Don't over complicate things here. This is an A no more, no less.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5652 | Registered: Nov 2007
reddragon317
♂ New Member
Member # 42762
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the insight. I'm dealing ok, any experiences on how you all dealt with the almost constant thoughts (I.e. Imagining them together). I'm doing ok with it but it's problematic. I'm using a positive thought approach (almost always works for me with past emotional trauma). I'd be open others thoughts/approaches.

Thanks
Reddragon317


Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Columbus, OH
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My own experience, for a time, you just have to have the hard experience of thinking on the betrayal,them together, "seeing the lies." You have no choice, your mind insists on it as it tries to cope with the new reality because at all mental and spiritual levels,this is a new world from what was and the orientation is painful and hard not just at the conscious.It is a hard birth that cannot,should not be mitigated. After a time, however, reestablishment of emotional command and control is essential for health. May I suggest semi-yoga techniques such as visualization of a tv-" change the channel"- and mean it. A journal, where you can express the anger and fixation-and then close the book is often useful. An intense project that really takes concentration or a steady one can also help. I found "social service" very useful, helping other people or in my case working the animal shelter as a volunteer (I though I had problems!)
This is a long road, recovery from a war wound.There will be set backs. The active pain is always there,for months,with flashbacks. But every victory in the process is more than any defeat (I really believe that) and your new life is out there-waiting.Best-

Posts: 179 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 12

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