Affairs really are an addiction...a drug...and they make absolutely NO sense. So, my advice to you would be don't waste any time trying to MAKE sense out of it. You'll only drive yourself crazy. Sending out strength and prayers to you brother as you ride this roller coaster.
So, my advice to you would be don't waste any time trying to MAKE sense out of it. You'll only drive yourself crazy.
AMEN! However, I will say its a process we all go through. It takes us all to work through this feeling, the despair centered around "how could you risk everything" before we can get our feet under us. Honor that feeling. Process it. Spend time with it until you, like Ready to run and I , can put it away for what it is, a waste of time.
Here's the next thing that's going to need to happen and that is going to bring the gravity of the situation home to her. She (and you) are going to have to call your doctor's office and make an appointment to go in and have a complete STD/HIV panel of tests run, including the follow-up tests for things that might be incubating, like HIV. Make her make the phone call and the appointments. This is a consequence. Also, YOU need to see the doctor's results on her tests, which means that you get a printout from the doctor's office OR the doctor/staff calls YOU directly with the results. You cannot trust that she will give you truthful results. You need to hear her results from the office itself. And no sex until the results come back clean.
If she starts to assure you that they used condoms each and every time, just stop her right there. Condoms mean that she was protected from pregnancy, but that doesn't mean that they indulged in safe sex. If they kissed, if they did oral, if they did any combo of the above, then it was NOT safe sex. And no matter, your health is far too precious for you to risk by taking the word of someone who lies to you.
Hang in there. You're going to be on one hell of a roller coaster. It's totally unfair, but there it is. And let me just say one, small, cautionary word. No one, not you, nor your WW, deserves to feel unsafe in their home. So yeah, get your anger out. Her seeing your hurt and anguish is a consequence of her decision to have an affair. But don't put her in fear physically. One, again, no one should feel unsafe in their house, Two, you don't want the children to ever have the chance to see/hear something like that, and Three, it's very easy for a man to get a DV charge slapped on him, warranted or not.
Keep posting. We got your back.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Watch her actions carefully. This is what really counts. Get your vent on, but remember that the things you say you cannot take back. The truth hurts so let her have it...just try not let yourself go too far.
Take care Rocket and please protect your heart.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
I strongly suggest you sit down and figure out if you want to R, and if you do what you require from her for it to happen. Be clear and concise in this, and be ready to follow through with consequences.
Also as you yourself stated don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth, and in that spirit I call BULL SHIT on the OW being threatening. Honestly I am more than betting she has suspicions, or knew and just can't get out because of her financial situation, as he has trouble keeping work.
I would also strongly recommend getting a VAR and hiding it in her vehicle, as this will be the most likely place that she will make contact with him again, on a burner phone. This is like step #2 in the WS handbook for breaking NC.
It is absolute proof that even when the shit hits the fan. We can't always trust our spouses, especially when children are involved. They both had kids. They were already outed and still the A continued.
Another good example as to why we always need the OBS on board to help an A get blown out of the water. I would still double check that the OBS does know and your wife isn't lying to protect herself from the BW.
Just saw this thread.
Glad you are ok and you kept a level head.
Now enforce those boundaries and make sure your wife understands the consequences if she breaks those boundaries.
I hope you are starting to feel better.
Stay strong and keep a cool head.
brace yourself. the knowledge she stared at you with tears in her eyes, swearing that she wants to work on her M, she is sorry, swearing to tell the truth from here out ... and immediately lying about the numbers is normal. its going to hurt.
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
The BS about them only sleeping together 3x is complete nonsense. Why else would she be continually sexting/texting this trailer trash OM unless she continued to want it? If she had no future intention of shagging him, then she would have simply stopped texting.
As we told you before, she is TRICKLE TRUTHING you now. She feels that by only telling you part of the truth, she is protecting you. This is the farthest from the truth. Insist upon 100% of the truth. Ask her for the following:
1) Write out a timeline of the affair. Dates, times, places, etc. Then match what she writes up with credit card statements, phone records, etc.
2) Ask her to submit to a polygraph. She will likely start telling more of the truth once you show her you mean business.
3) Agree with previous posters that she needs to get STD check
I understand your point about the OMW, and that you are worried she might cause some violence. But I need to tell you that this is another piece of BS to protect the OM. She is protecting the OM plain and simple. You need to tell the OMW no matter what. Keep it simple and to the facts. Show OMW what proof you have, and then leave it at that. Ask for OMW's help in keeping the two love-birds apart. I'm sure OMW will help with this. But you need to tell her to stop this affair in its tracks.
Who else have you exposed to? Her family? Your family? Religious leaders? She needs to be publicly shamed in order for the fog to start lifting.
Stay strong brother. We are here for you.