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Newest Member: utterlydone (44718)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Finally DDay!!!!
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I shouldn't be anymore...But, I am always shocked when I read stories like yours. How a 44 year old woman with children would risk everything for a 30 year old scumbag is just something I will never be able to wrap my brain around.

Affairs really are an addiction...a drug...and they make absolutely NO sense. So, my advice to you would be don't waste any time trying to MAKE sense out of it. You'll only drive yourself crazy. Sending out strength and prayers to you brother as you ride this roller coaster.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my advice to you would be don't waste any time trying to MAKE sense out of it. You'll only drive yourself crazy.

AMEN! However, I will say its a process we all go through. It takes us all to work through this feeling, the despair centered around "how could you risk everything" before we can get our feet under us. Honor that feeling. Process it. Spend time with it until you, like Ready to run and I , can put it away for what it is, a waste of time.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Nov 2010
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very good job confronting your wife. Very Good Job.

Here's the next thing that's going to need to happen and that is going to bring the gravity of the situation home to her. She (and you) are going to have to call your doctor's office and make an appointment to go in and have a complete STD/HIV panel of tests run, including the follow-up tests for things that might be incubating, like HIV. Make her make the phone call and the appointments. This is a consequence. Also, YOU need to see the doctor's results on her tests, which means that you get a printout from the doctor's office OR the doctor/staff calls YOU directly with the results. You cannot trust that she will give you truthful results. You need to hear her results from the office itself. And no sex until the results come back clean.

If she starts to assure you that they used condoms each and every time, just stop her right there. Condoms mean that she was protected from pregnancy, but that doesn't mean that they indulged in safe sex. If they kissed, if they did oral, if they did any combo of the above, then it was NOT safe sex. And no matter, your health is far too precious for you to risk by taking the word of someone who lies to you.

Hang in there. You're going to be on one hell of a roller coaster. It's totally unfair, but there it is. And let me just say one, small, cautionary word. No one, not you, nor your WW, deserves to feel unsafe in their home. So yeah, get your anger out. Her seeing your hurt and anguish is a consequence of her decision to have an affair. But don't put her in fear physically. One, again, no one should feel unsafe in their house, Two, you don't want the children to ever have the chance to see/hear something like that, and Three, it's very easy for a man to get a DV charge slapped on him, warranted or not.

Keep posting. We got your back.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4719 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! You are the MAN!!

Good Job!

Watch her actions carefully. This is what really counts. Get your vent on, but remember that the things you say you cannot take back. The truth hurts so let her have it...just try not let yourself go too far.

K?

Take care Rocket and please protect your heart.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad that you were finally able to confront. It stops the cycle of secrecy on your side of things.

I strongly suggest you sit down and figure out if you want to R, and if you do what you require from her for it to happen. Be clear and concise in this, and be ready to follow through with consequences.

Also as you yourself stated don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth, and in that spirit I call BULL SHIT on the OW being threatening. Honestly I am more than betting she has suspicions, or knew and just can't get out because of her financial situation, as he has trouble keeping work.

I would also strongly recommend getting a VAR and hiding it in her vehicle, as this will be the most likely place that she will make contact with him again, on a burner phone. This is like step #2 in the WS handbook for breaking NC.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8228 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So happy it has come out. But, from a BW point of view...so angry that the OBW confronted your wife and she still chose to pursue the man and she still chose to cheat on you.

It is absolute proof that even when the shit hits the fan. We can't always trust our spouses, especially when children are involved. They both had kids. They were already outed and still the A continued.

Another good example as to why we always need the OBS on board to help an A get blown out of the water. I would still double check that the OBS does know and your wife isn't lying to protect herself from the BW.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, March 16th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rocket

Just saw this thread.

Glad you are ok and you kept a level head.

Now enforce those boundaries and make sure your wife understands the consequences if she breaks those boundaries.

I hope you are starting to feel better.

Stay strong and keep a cool head.

HM


Posts: 828 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rocket,
any number of ANYTHING that she gives you for ANYTHING related to her A is complete and utter bullsh1t.
they all minimize the numbers - they seem to think that saying they had sex with him 3x somehow makes them less of a monster than having sex with him 10x or 20x or 50x.
the numbers for everything will increase.

brace yourself. the knowledge she stared at you with tears in her eyes, swearing that she wants to work on her M, she is sorry, swearing to tell the truth from here out ... and immediately lying about the numbers is normal. its going to hurt.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2014
Bridie38
♀ New Member
Member # 42801
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I kept my suspicions and evidence for 8 days before H shouted me down and convinced me I was wrong and then watched me torture myself for about 6 weeks before he finally confessed to what I knew deep down to be true. After this initial outburst of his confession I was calm and have been so ever since - I think I did my 'hurting' in the lead up to D Day. It is the hardest thing to stop from shouting out your beliefs/suspicions once you have even a shred of evidence. You must be in turmoil, but hang in there and don't let your guard down. My H was absolutely shocked when I finally confronted him with my evidence,, sometimes i wish i had maybe waited a bit longer but it is very hard when your world is turned upside down and you are hurting.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: UK
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job Rocket!!! Was getting worried that you were not going to pull the trigger.
You did a great job of sorting thru this and gaining the uppoer hand here.

Posts: 1015 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rocket - I'm glad to hear that you finally confronted your WW. Looks like she fell apart completely, just like I thought she would.

The BS about them only sleeping together 3x is complete nonsense. Why else would she be continually sexting/texting this trailer trash OM unless she continued to want it? If she had no future intention of shagging him, then she would have simply stopped texting.

As we told you before, she is TRICKLE TRUTHING you now. She feels that by only telling you part of the truth, she is protecting you. This is the farthest from the truth. Insist upon 100% of the truth. Ask her for the following:

1) Write out a timeline of the affair. Dates, times, places, etc. Then match what she writes up with credit card statements, phone records, etc.

2) Ask her to submit to a polygraph. She will likely start telling more of the truth once you show her you mean business.

3) Agree with previous posters that she needs to get STD check

I understand your point about the OMW, and that you are worried she might cause some violence. But I need to tell you that this is another piece of BS to protect the OM. She is protecting the OM plain and simple. You need to tell the OMW no matter what. Keep it simple and to the facts. Show OMW what proof you have, and then leave it at that. Ask for OMW's help in keeping the two love-birds apart. I'm sure OMW will help with this. But you need to tell her to stop this affair in its tracks.

Who else have you exposed to? Her family? Your family? Religious leaders? She needs to be publicly shamed in order for the fog to start lifting.

Stay strong brother. We are here for you.


.....................Kali


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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