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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Finally DDay!!!!
Rocket999
♂ New Member
Member # 42483
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It finally happened today. It didnt go the way I wanted it to but how could it?

Anyway, she left for work today and made a couple snide remarks to me before leaving. Normally I would have let it go but now that I know about everything, I have no patience. So, I called her on her way to work. We had some words and she said something to the effect " you may not be happy in your life but I'm going to find happiness in mine". This was about my mood lately. Needless to say I knew how she was getting her happiness. I couldn't hold it in long enough to confront her in person. I told her right then and there that I knew what was going on and don't deny it. She acted stupid. I said it again. She relented. This happened just as she was arriving at work. I told her she needed to come home now. Her work is about 45 minutes from here. She went in told her boss she had a family issue and left. The whole time I stayed on the phone with her so she couldn't alert anyone. I know this wasn't the best case scenario but its how it went down.

She came in and couldn't look me in the eye. She was sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't care. I let her have it about everything. Told her I want the truth to every question I ask. Told her I knew alot more than she may think so don't lie. She answered all of my questions truthfully, as much as I could verify with the info I had. She said, like you guys told me, she would do anything to stay together and be a family. She gave me OM wifes name. What city they live in, which is about 4/5 hours from here now. OMW actually emailed my wife about a year ago threatening her. My wife freaked and the OM said dont worry about it he'll care of her. No other contact since then. My stupid wife kept it going anyway. Turns out they are trailer trash. I thought so when I saw his pic. My wife is 44. This dude is 30 and his wife 26 with three kids, two of them his. Wtf??!!

Anyway, they supposedly have only had sex three times. She told me locations. Once at work, other two times in our mini van. Keeping it classy for sure.

She didnt blame me. She knows she fucked up. She doesn't want to hurt our son. I told her you never thought of him in almost two years. I asked her what was her plan when I found out eventually. She didnt have one she said. Told her I knew about her friends that advised her and some of the dirt I now had on them. She said to do whatever I wanted to them with that info. Same with OM and omw. Stated throwing everyone under the bus like you guys told me. Said she was stupid, it was "game" or something like that. She knows he was a loser. Again, she affaired down like you guys told me. I didn't spill every bit of info I had and I inferred I had some bad shit on him. It scared her then. I told her I had seen lawyer. Took her off guard. She said she wouldnt blame me for anything. I could have kid etc. She pleaded and begged for us to try to stay together. She would do anything and see anybody. Whatever I said would be what she would do.

I had her send NC text to him right there. Says their relationship over the last 4-5 months has only been texting/sexting since he moved. Obviously I'm not believing what comes out of her mouth. She texted him to never contact her again. That I knew everything and that I had a lot of info and she didn't know what I was going to go as far as divorce and telling his wife etc. Sent the text. Blocked his number. I had to leave an hour later to do something. When I got back she showed me a blank text from him from another number. There was no content. I don't know if it was a signal or what. She gave me phone. Sent the same text back to that number and blocked it too. Changed phone number on her phone 20 minutes later. I know that means nothing if she wants to get a hold of him.

I know not to believe absolutely nothing out of her mouth. I do think she feels very ashamed and sorry. I was incredibly strong throughout. Went on for four hours. I blew up a few times and got in her face. Said some really bad shit to her. She took it all and knew she deserved it. Told me I can check her phone anytime I want. Phone bill( which I do) Email. Whatever. I don't put alot of stock in that since its all deleteable. I asked her how I could ever trust her. She told me she knew she had to earn it from her actions not from her words. Committed to be a better wife and mother. I got on her really hard about being a bad mom. That all the time she spent in this affair she could have spent with her son. That she neglected him. I brought up some other examples of her being a shitty mom in the past. She broke down even more. I kept going and piling on. Didn't want her to breathe. I broke her down to nothing.

There's probably a lot more and I will post as I remember. It's been a hellacious day. I do feel better though that I let it out. Now everything is out in the open. I told her I don't know what I'm going to do. Leaving her in limbo. I really don't know. I told her there are so many things to get through on so many levels. I told her the biggest was going to be trust and if we ever got past that how I could ever consider having sex with her with visions of that loser fucking her.

Too much to digest right now. I wanted to post to let you know the basics. Thank you everyone for your advice and encouragement.

I am glad I waited to confront though. If I would have confronted the first night I probably would have broke down and went weak. I can tell she knows I'm in control now. She said it, buy I know it. I'll keep you posted.


Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2014
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rockett,
I know how hard that was. You did a good job. I know that it will take a while to make decisions. Your decisions do not have to be made right now. You can make them based on your wife's responses and reactions of remorse. Right now she is showing regret....regret at getting caught. Remorse is much more active and will slowly demonstrate if she really wants to make your marriage work.

Stay strong.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1670 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rocket - I never responded to your original post but have been keeping close tabs and hoping all was okay with you. I don't know how you held it as long as you did, but I'm glad you felt like it was the right thing for you. It certainly sounds like you did a fantastic job confronting and protecting yourself. I wish I could have had half of your strength when I just found out. Perhaps I wouldn't have had that effing painful second d-day.
Breathing a sigh of relief for you.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job brother. Please don't let your guard down. Right now, she is in shock. Let her *show* you she means it.

Strength, the roller coaster just left the gate. it's gonna be a long bumpy ride.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3040 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I agree, no decisions need to be made right now. Decide not to decide anything if that's what feels right. You've already seen an attorney so you have that connection and information already. Breathe and observe her actions. Ask questions if you like. Or don't say a damn word. It's your call.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the update. Your WW seems to be making the right *noises*, initially. *Let up* on her just a bit, give it a little time and see if her acquiescence *sticks*. If she is truly remorseful, you don't really want to be continually beating the fuck out of her (figuratively speaking).

Slow and steady wins the race, Rocket.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8116 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job!


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great way to stay focused! Watch her actions, you'll know soon enough if she is sincere. My friend was a ww before I met her. She said there is a root that has to be dealt with. Get ur wife help. Whether u stay w her or not forever, your child will always b with her. This may be the only time u have leverage to get her mind straight.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2260 | Registered: Jan 2012
Mhiimg65
♀ Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rocket999,
I'm impressed. Hang tight. I'm a newbie, 9 weeks from DD. You have my utmost sympathy and my complete attention at how you are handling things. Hang tight, because it gets harder when you finally realize you are not just in a "bad spot" but you are in a fight for your life. Be a rock and know you are going to be clay once in a while.


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She gave me OM wifes name

Search for her telephone # and call her.

OMW actually emailed my wife about a year ago threatening her.

It could be possible that this ^^^ is not true. Maybe she does not want you to contact the other BS and is hoping you will think the woman is crazy and dangerous. I would contact her.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2124 | Registered: Nov 2011
Rocket999
♂ New Member
Member # 42483
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her I would have a list of demands. I needed to think it over. She told me she will do whatever it takes. We'll see. That she is an open book now. She is rocked right now I know. I agree that I shouldn't believe anything right now. Even her actions. Time will tell. I'm not done yet either. I told her that. I just thought it was enough for one day. She said she understands and will answer any question I have. Right now it's not that I want questions answered its like I need to vent out loud to her. She answered my main questions yesterday. I want her to suffer more. I know I need to tap the brakes though eventually. I don't think she should just get off by taking my verbal abuse. Is this wrong of me? I think she needs to be reminded frequently of the pain and destruction she caused Not sure how to balance it. I don't want to belittle her forever regardless if we divorce or not. We have to have some kind of relationship for our son. I'm probably getting ahead of myself again.

Also, I found OM address based on my wife's info. It's a p.o. Box. I also found both of their twitter pages. Looks like they havent posted on them in a couple of years.

I believe that the OMW did contact my wife. My wife didnt tell me that as a warning. She just told me.

I am somewhat concerned however. We are listed. I havent lived my life trying to hide from people. I'm sure he knows where we live. His wife threatened mine. She knows where my wife works and could easily find us. Although I agree my wife needs consequences I don't want to escalate things to the point where she gets jumped by a group of OMW friends. Believe me she looks like that kind of woman. Same with OM coming here if I blow up everything for him. It would be different if they were middle aged like us. They are from a different generation and mindset. We have more to lose. How do I handle this? I've wanted OMW for a while now. Now that I have her do I really want to stoke that fire?


Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2014
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At least its out in the open and on the table bro. Big load off you mind huh ? But now the real shit will start. Its been my experience that you have two types of WS on D-day. Those who don't give a shit and basically blame the BS for everything. And those who all of a sudden are contrite and beg for forgiveness. Seems you have the latter my man. Now whatever approach a WS takes really doesn't mean anything as they can and do flip flop between regret and entitlement. The next few days, weeks are going to be telling. Yet its action that you need to look at, not words. She can be standing right in front of you crying like a baby, mascara and snot running down her face, begging for another chance all the while plotting how to contact OM. She is going to feel you out to see what exactly you know. And what she thinks you have not discovered (And trust me there's much you have not) She is going to try and hide and minimize. Good move on holding back some info as it can be used to test her sincerity. So be very vigilant and don't give an inch. Keep the pressure on just enough to let her know you mean business.

As for OM and his BS. Being his BW already knew what has happened contacting her right now is kind of a waste. You an save contacting her for another time. Being she knew and did nothing along with the boast of OM that "He will take care of her" signals to me that he has that poor woman right where he wants her. Perhaps along with his emotional abuse he also physically abuses her as well. Who knows, who cares right now ? The fact is your WW has been lying to you for 2 years now. Now that she has been busted, all of a sudden she wants her M ? She wants to make her family the priority ? I also love how she tossed in the kids for added sympathy. Kuddos to you for putting a stop to that quickly. Do not let your guard down for one second. There are many ways she can go underground with the OM. Lets face it you cant be with her 24/7. As I said study her actions and see how she behaves. Right now she is in shock because she was caught. There is a good chance her demeanor will change and become a blame shifting bitch. So keep all your options open, including D. Don't rush into R until you feel its time.

Seriously sit your ass down and think. Think long and hard about what has transpired. Continue to gather as much info as you can, by any means you can. After your satisfied with the amount of dirt you have dug up, then make your decision. Remember informed and thought out decisions are always the best. If at that time you want to offer the gift of R make sure you have your list of demands ready and don't be afraid of enforcing the ultimate consequence of D to back them up. Because right now all you have in your arsenal is to D her and the treat of exposure. I personally feel exposure in any extent is needed. People who have issues, any kind of issues can not make change until they admit that the issue exists. So if you need exposure in your own healing she should willingly be on board with that. That said you don't have to take out an ad in the paper and announce she is a cheater. But if you think she should be honest with others so be it. Try and keep your own healing on the front burner as well. Your gonna be all over the place emotionally and things are going to suffer because of it. Especially your work. I suggest you inform your boss as to what is going on. Don't be embarrassed because in most cases they can be very supportive and understanding. Besides its not your shame in the first place, its hers. I say this because your work will suffer and it will be noticed. I have seen careers go down the toilet because of infidelity. Don't let that happen to you. Depression, PTSD etc. are all medical maladies that result from infidelity. And there are laws that cover your mental health just as they do your physical. So don't suffer in silence and let your life go down the tubes. Use anything and everything that's available in order to heal. Keep your kids close as they need a stable parent right now. Even if its not told to them they pick up on things. And they suffer just like you. Keep posting updates and reading others. This place really helps and is a god send. Things will get worse before they get better. Hang in there bro, the journey has just started,


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5756 | Registered: Nov 2007
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job in confronting your wife, Rocket. Notice how all that "power" that she had, simply melted away upon confrontation?

I am not saying to stay hard on the offensive, but this:

As I said study her actions and see how she behaves. Right now she is in shock because she was caught. There is a good chance her demeanor will change and become a blame shifting bitch. So keep all your options open, including D. Don't rush into R until you feel its time.

Right now, the power is yours, because you will have to ultimately decide if you want to try R or head to D....no matter what your wife's reaction. Obviously, if she isn't remorseful, then R is not even an option. But even if she is, you are going to have to look deep down inside, and ask yourself if you really want to recommit.

Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Stay vigilant, watch her actions, and attempt to get every piece of information out of her. Right now, while she is contrite, is the time to assure her that the best chance of R is for her to come totally clean. Let her know that any later discoveries...that you believe were deliberately withheld from you...will not only make R more difficult, but maybe impossible. It doesn't have to be an angry threat; it should be as matter-of-fact as possible, because, well---it IS a fact.

Maybe hold off on telling the OW immediately for (2) reasons---first, it sounds like the OW already knew(although I would try to verify this more clearly with your WW), and second, you can see if the OM tries to contact your WW....or vice-versa. This is the vigilance that we are preaching to you. I know it is exhausting, but is vital at this point in your situation. It will pay dividends in the long run.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2078 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Rocket, first time poster, long time listener of yours. I would say that probably went as well as it was going to go. You have been getting amazing advice and I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said. Wanted to let you know that I'm pulling for you and you have been in my thoughts.

Sending you strength and courage to get through this next critical phase.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice job Rocket.

I would as these things go, your situation went better than most.

Your wife gave you all of the information, and said all of the right things.

The game part I believe. Now about the only thing to find out is the why. Why did she play the game in the first place.

She never thought she was going to get caught, so keep that in mind when talking to her. She had no plans to leave you for him and again, why the game.

Since there is an angry OMW, it might be best to let that drop. Who knows what her anger might cause.

Your wife does need to tell you about every single time this OM tries to contact her including in person. For the safety of your family. Obviously this guy is bad news and needs to be wiped from your lives.

I do not think your wife has any intention of taking this affair underground really, since there wasnt anything there other than some game to begin with.

The why is what is important now...well not right away, but soon enough. Knowing the why in the first place is a good way to make sure this never happens again.

Stay calm because now the real anger can set in now that you have heard the truth. Knowing the truth and then actually hearing the truth are two different things.


Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jun 2002
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rocket,

Very happy you've got that step over with, now the long haul begins. Don't worry about second guessing the confrontation, sounds like you did the best thing with what you had to work with.
I'd expect her to regroup this morning, trying to figure out exactly what you do know, and what she can omit or whitewash. If you look at it from her point of view, it's self preservation. Why give some one a bigger club to whack you with? I think it took me three times of serious questions over most of the first year to get what I think is 70% of the truth. I think thats about the best a BS can hope for.

they supposedly have only had sex three times

Sadly, I've heard that before. In my case that number continued to grow, as I realized it simply wasn't realistic due to the time frame involved.
My best advice is to keep acquiring information, (write it down, time frames, names, etc. right now. At some point, you will deal with the the reasons and justifications, but right now you need to be able to sort the truth and get the facts so you can tell if she is telling the truth. If you can determine she's telling the truth, and the whole truth, (lets say as much as your going to ever get anyway) you can begin to put the wheels back on, if you wish.
She will lie, she will whitewash, she will omit, she will underestimate, for many different reasons.
As for the OM, I did confide in one of my coworkers, a very intelligent and Christian man, and he pleaded that I should not tell the OMW because I would be hurting an innocent family for revenge. Tough titties, Bucko. I didn't cause this hurt to his family, he and my WW did. And yes, he's not getting out of this that easy. I had a very calm, polite and frank talk with the OMW. It was not a total surprise it turns out, she had had her spidey senses tuned into my wife for awhile.
It's a difficult call to make, but absolutely the best thing. You may want to compare notes.
As for becoming confrontational or physical? Exposing him usually keeps at little busy with his own crap. It is customary for the OM to be concern for his own ass after being caught. Angry husbands historically have taken exception to other men screwing their wife. My WW was concerned for her safety after I called the OMW. Yeah well, shit happens, she should have thought about that before.

Nice job and good luck !


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ stonger08

She can be standing right in front of you crying like a baby, mascara and snot running down her face, begging for another chance all the while plotting how to contact OM

There is a good chance her demeanor will change and become a blame shifting bitch.

You crack me up! We are a cynical bunch, aren't we? It's funny because it's so true and there are so many of us that know exactly what your talking about.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
twisted
♂ Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your gonna be all over the place emotionally and things are going to suffer because of it. Especially your work. I suggest you inform your boss as to what is going on. Don't be embarrassed because in most cases they can be very supportive and understanding. Besides its not your shame in the first place, its hers. I say this because your work will suffer and it will be noticed. I have seen careers go down the toilet because of infidelity.

Good advice!


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 927 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very Proud of you Rocket!
Stay strong and cool minded. I am praying for you and that she stays the correct path!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2807 | Registered: Aug 2011
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. It truly sucks. Get your demands in order and set your deal breakers firmly. Take care of you! I hope it gets better soon.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want...I have no idea

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 31
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