Anyway, she left for work today and made a couple snide remarks to me before leaving. Normally I would have let it go but now that I know about everything, I have no patience. So, I called her on her way to work. We had some words and she said something to the effect " you may not be happy in your life but I'm going to find happiness in mine". This was about my mood lately. Needless to say I knew how she was getting her happiness. I couldn't hold it in long enough to confront her in person. I told her right then and there that I knew what was going on and don't deny it. She acted stupid. I said it again. She relented. This happened just as she was arriving at work. I told her she needed to come home now. Her work is about 45 minutes from here. She went in told her boss she had a family issue and left. The whole time I stayed on the phone with her so she couldn't alert anyone. I know this wasn't the best case scenario but its how it went down.
She came in and couldn't look me in the eye. She was sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't care. I let her have it about everything. Told her I want the truth to every question I ask. Told her I knew alot more than she may think so don't lie. She answered all of my questions truthfully, as much as I could verify with the info I had. She said, like you guys told me, she would do anything to stay together and be a family. She gave me OM wifes name. What city they live in, which is about 4/5 hours from here now. OMW actually emailed my wife about a year ago threatening her. My wife freaked and the OM said dont worry about it he'll care of her. No other contact since then. My stupid wife kept it going anyway. Turns out they are trailer trash. I thought so when I saw his pic. My wife is 44. This dude is 30 and his wife 26 with three kids, two of them his. Wtf??!!
Anyway, they supposedly have only had sex three times. She told me locations. Once at work, other two times in our mini van. Keeping it classy for sure.
She didnt blame me. She knows she fucked up. She doesn't want to hurt our son. I told her you never thought of him in almost two years. I asked her what was her plan when I found out eventually. She didnt have one she said. Told her I knew about her friends that advised her and some of the dirt I now had on them. She said to do whatever I wanted to them with that info. Same with OM and omw. Stated throwing everyone under the bus like you guys told me. Said she was stupid, it was "game" or something like that. She knows he was a loser. Again, she affaired down like you guys told me. I didn't spill every bit of info I had and I inferred I had some bad shit on him. It scared her then. I told her I had seen lawyer. Took her off guard. She said she wouldnt blame me for anything. I could have kid etc. She pleaded and begged for us to try to stay together. She would do anything and see anybody. Whatever I said would be what she would do.
I had her send NC text to him right there. Says their relationship over the last 4-5 months has only been texting/sexting since he moved. Obviously I'm not believing what comes out of her mouth. She texted him to never contact her again. That I knew everything and that I had a lot of info and she didn't know what I was going to go as far as divorce and telling his wife etc. Sent the text. Blocked his number. I had to leave an hour later to do something. When I got back she showed me a blank text from him from another number. There was no content. I don't know if it was a signal or what. She gave me phone. Sent the same text back to that number and blocked it too. Changed phone number on her phone 20 minutes later. I know that means nothing if she wants to get a hold of him.
I know not to believe absolutely nothing out of her mouth. I do think she feels very ashamed and sorry. I was incredibly strong throughout. Went on for four hours. I blew up a few times and got in her face. Said some really bad shit to her. She took it all and knew she deserved it. Told me I can check her phone anytime I want. Phone bill( which I do) Email. Whatever. I don't put alot of stock in that since its all deleteable. I asked her how I could ever trust her. She told me she knew she had to earn it from her actions not from her words. Committed to be a better wife and mother. I got on her really hard about being a bad mom. That all the time she spent in this affair she could have spent with her son. That she neglected him. I brought up some other examples of her being a shitty mom in the past. She broke down even more. I kept going and piling on. Didn't want her to breathe. I broke her down to nothing.
There's probably a lot more and I will post as I remember. It's been a hellacious day. I do feel better though that I let it out. Now everything is out in the open. I told her I don't know what I'm going to do. Leaving her in limbo. I really don't know. I told her there are so many things to get through on so many levels. I told her the biggest was going to be trust and if we ever got past that how I could ever consider having sex with her with visions of that loser fucking her.
Too much to digest right now. I wanted to post to let you know the basics. Thank you everyone for your advice and encouragement.
I am glad I waited to confront though. If I would have confronted the first night I probably would have broke down and went weak. I can tell she knows I'm in control now. She said it, buy I know it. I'll keep you posted.
Strength, the roller coaster just left the gate. it's gonna be a long bumpy ride.
Slow and steady wins the race, Rocket.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
She gave me OM wifes name
Search for her telephone # and call her.
OMW actually emailed my wife about a year ago threatening her.
It could be possible that this ^^^ is not true. Maybe she does not want you to contact the other BS and is hoping you will think the woman is crazy and dangerous. I would contact her.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Also, I found OM address based on my wife's info. It's a p.o. Box. I also found both of their twitter pages. Looks like they havent posted on them in a couple of years.
I believe that the OMW did contact my wife. My wife didnt tell me that as a warning. She just told me.
I am somewhat concerned however. We are listed. I havent lived my life trying to hide from people. I'm sure he knows where we live. His wife threatened mine. She knows where my wife works and could easily find us. Although I agree my wife needs consequences I don't want to escalate things to the point where she gets jumped by a group of OMW friends. Believe me she looks like that kind of woman. Same with OM coming here if I blow up everything for him. It would be different if they were middle aged like us. They are from a different generation and mindset. We have more to lose. How do I handle this? I've wanted OMW for a while now. Now that I have her do I really want to stoke that fire?
As for OM and his BS. Being his BW already knew what has happened contacting her right now is kind of a waste. You an save contacting her for another time. Being she knew and did nothing along with the boast of OM that "He will take care of her" signals to me that he has that poor woman right where he wants her. Perhaps along with his emotional abuse he also physically abuses her as well. Who knows, who cares right now ? The fact is your WW has been lying to you for 2 years now. Now that she has been busted, all of a sudden she wants her M ? She wants to make her family the priority ? I also love how she tossed in the kids for added sympathy. Kuddos to you for putting a stop to that quickly. Do not let your guard down for one second. There are many ways she can go underground with the OM. Lets face it you cant be with her 24/7. As I said study her actions and see how she behaves. Right now she is in shock because she was caught. There is a good chance her demeanor will change and become a blame shifting bitch. So keep all your options open, including D. Don't rush into R until you feel its time.
Seriously sit your ass down and think. Think long and hard about what has transpired. Continue to gather as much info as you can, by any means you can. After your satisfied with the amount of dirt you have dug up, then make your decision. Remember informed and thought out decisions are always the best. If at that time you want to offer the gift of R make sure you have your list of demands ready and don't be afraid of enforcing the ultimate consequence of D to back them up. Because right now all you have in your arsenal is to D her and the treat of exposure. I personally feel exposure in any extent is needed. People who have issues, any kind of issues can not make change until they admit that the issue exists. So if you need exposure in your own healing she should willingly be on board with that. That said you don't have to take out an ad in the paper and announce she is a cheater. But if you think she should be honest with others so be it. Try and keep your own healing on the front burner as well. Your gonna be all over the place emotionally and things are going to suffer because of it. Especially your work. I suggest you inform your boss as to what is going on. Don't be embarrassed because in most cases they can be very supportive and understanding. Besides its not your shame in the first place, its hers. I say this because your work will suffer and it will be noticed. I have seen careers go down the toilet because of infidelity. Don't let that happen to you. Depression, PTSD etc. are all medical maladies that result from infidelity. And there are laws that cover your mental health just as they do your physical. So don't suffer in silence and let your life go down the tubes. Use anything and everything that's available in order to heal. Keep your kids close as they need a stable parent right now. Even if its not told to them they pick up on things. And they suffer just like you. Keep posting updates and reading others. This place really helps and is a god send. Things will get worse before they get better. Hang in there bro, the journey has just started,
I am not saying to stay hard on the offensive, but this:
As I said study her actions and see how she behaves. Right now she is in shock because she was caught. There is a good chance her demeanor will change and become a blame shifting bitch. So keep all your options open, including D. Don't rush into R until you feel its time.
Right now, the power is yours, because you will have to ultimately decide if you want to try R or head to D....no matter what your wife's reaction. Obviously, if she isn't remorseful, then R is not even an option. But even if she is, you are going to have to look deep down inside, and ask yourself if you really want to recommit.
Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Stay vigilant, watch her actions, and attempt to get every piece of information out of her. Right now, while she is contrite, is the time to assure her that the best chance of R is for her to come totally clean. Let her know that any later discoveries...that you believe were deliberately withheld from you...will not only make R more difficult, but maybe impossible. It doesn't have to be an angry threat; it should be as matter-of-fact as possible, because, well---it IS a fact.
Maybe hold off on telling the OW immediately for (2) reasons---first, it sounds like the OW already knew(although I would try to verify this more clearly with your WW), and second, you can see if the OM tries to contact your WW....or vice-versa. This is the vigilance that we are preaching to you. I know it is exhausting, but is vital at this point in your situation. It will pay dividends in the long run.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Sending you strength and courage to get through this next critical phase.
I would as these things go, your situation went better than most.
Your wife gave you all of the information, and said all of the right things.
The game part I believe. Now about the only thing to find out is the why. Why did she play the game in the first place.
She never thought she was going to get caught, so keep that in mind when talking to her. She had no plans to leave you for him and again, why the game.
Since there is an angry OMW, it might be best to let that drop. Who knows what her anger might cause.
Your wife does need to tell you about every single time this OM tries to contact her including in person. For the safety of your family. Obviously this guy is bad news and needs to be wiped from your lives.
I do not think your wife has any intention of taking this affair underground really, since there wasnt anything there other than some game to begin with.
The why is what is important now...well not right away, but soon enough. Knowing the why in the first place is a good way to make sure this never happens again.
Stay calm because now the real anger can set in now that you have heard the truth. Knowing the truth and then actually hearing the truth are two different things.
Very happy you've got that step over with, now the long haul begins. Don't worry about second guessing the confrontation, sounds like you did the best thing with what you had to work with.
I'd expect her to regroup this morning, trying to figure out exactly what you do know, and what she can omit or whitewash. If you look at it from her point of view, it's self preservation. Why give some one a bigger club to whack you with? I think it took me three times of serious questions over most of the first year to get what I think is 70% of the truth. I think thats about the best a BS can hope for.
they supposedly have only had sex three times
Nice job and good luck !
She can be standing right in front of you crying like a baby, mascara and snot running down her face, begging for another chance all the while plotting how to contact OM
There is a good chance her demeanor will change and become a blame shifting bitch.
You crack me up! We are a cynical bunch, aren't we? It's funny because it's so true and there are so many of us that know exactly what your talking about.
Your gonna be all over the place emotionally and things are going to suffer because of it. Especially your work. I suggest you inform your boss as to what is going on. Don't be embarrassed because in most cases they can be very supportive and understanding. Besides its not your shame in the first place, its hers. I say this because your work will suffer and it will be noticed. I have seen careers go down the toilet because of infidelity.